How Bad Would this Be?

MissJosGettinHitched · December 2009

Hello!

Just want your opinions on one set of parents having

a) not met either the FDIL or FSIL before an engagement is announced and, completely unrelated scenario...

b) getting engaged without one set of parents being too keen yet on either the groom or bride, not because of anything terrible but just they're very set in their own cultural/religious ideas... (again, nothing too key, like completely opposite religions, just parents that have a picture of who the bride/groom should be from head to toe that they're holding onto)

Basically, would you just not get engaged in either of these cases... or if you would... how would you go about it...

AmoroAgain · December 2009

If you're a big girl (or boy) you should do what makes you happy and fulfilled in life, no matter what. You should respect your family's wishes to a point, but not to the point at which it restricts your movement in life.

janedoe1113a · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bad-would-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a7a81e6c-780b-4c11-9f80-4a40b50c5421Post:aef69484-eaf1-4d4d-8d91-9eccf3393914">Re: How Bad Would this Be?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you're a big girl (or boy) you should do what makes you happy and fulfilled in life, no matter what. You should respect your family's wishes to a point, but not to the point at which it restricts your movement in life.
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]

I completely agree. If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to stick up to your parents.

Nebb · December 2009

What do I think about a set of parents getting engaged without another set of parents not liking the groom or bride, huh??

ricksang · December 2009

I would not let my family stop me from marrying someone. Of course I am 33 so....

Brie2010 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bad-would-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a7a81e6c-780b-4c11-9f80-4a40b50c5421Post:1b2f7214-42f3-4be9-9c2a-9846298ee4c4">How Bad Would this Be?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello! Just want your opinions on one set of parents having a) not met either the FDIL or FSIL before an engagement is announced and, completely unrelated scenario... b) getting engaged without one set of parents being too keen yet on either the groom or bride, not because of anything terrible but just they're very set in their own cultural/religious ideas... (again, nothing too key, like completely opposite religions, just parents that have a picture of who the bride/groom should be from head to toe that they're holding onto) Basically, would you just not get engaged in either of these cases... or if you would... how would you go about it...
Posted by MissJosGettinHitched[/QUOTE]

a) My family would be pissed if they'd never met the guy I was engaged to. Unless there was some extreme circumstance, like they live on another continent and we couldn't afford to see them, absolutely not. Otherwise, I would make sure they at least met beforehand, just as a courtesy.

b) I'm old enough to make my own decisions without my mommy's approval. If you are not old or mature enough to stand on your own two feet and say "I'm marrying the man I love and I hope you will accept him," you shouldn't be getting married.

I would be an adult about it and be mature. I would be kind to my parents, but firm in my decision. Bottom line: I am an adult, and while it would be nice if my mom loved every decision I made, I don't need her approval for anything I do.

tidetravel · December 2009

I'm pretty sure that if I'm old enough to get married, then I'm old enough to make my own decisions about getting married without my parent's permission and/or approval.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2009

Doesn't seem like a problem to me. FI and I live very far away from both sets of parents. We did meet each others' parents before getting engaged, but if we had gotten engaged earlier in the relationship or not had the money to travel, it's possible we wouldn't have seen them together. I might have felt weird about it. If they live close, I'd definitely feel weird about it.

Is this a fairly young relationship? If you feel okay with it, then it's fine.

redheadfsu · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bad-would-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a7a81e6c-780b-4c11-9f80-4a40b50c5421Post:aef69484-eaf1-4d4d-8d91-9eccf3393914">Re: How Bad Would this Be?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you're a big girl (or boy) you should do what makes you happy and fulfilled in life, no matter what. You should respect your family's wishes to a point, but not to the point at which it restricts your movement in life.
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]

This 100%.

I love & try to respect my parents, but they do not rule my life.

AmoroAgain · December 2009

Has your family met him yet? Is your engagement official yet?

MissJosGettinHitched · December 2009

It's not about deciding to get engaged at all, it's about perhaps holding off a bit.

Many of you brought up the issue of respect... and there are respectful and mature ways to go about such things - which also show proof of being an "adult".

You can walk up to the altar leaving a wake of hurt feelings and resentment along the way... or not. And this question was more about that.

tidetravel · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bad-would-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a7a81e6c-780b-4c11-9f80-4a40b50c5421Post:f9fa2ab5-a5f7-4171-891d-79767f87b3fb">Re: How Bad Would this Be?</a>:
[QUOTE] Many of you brought up the issue of respect... and there are respectful and mature ways to go about such things - which also show proof of being an "adult". You can walk up to the altar leaving a wake of hurt feelings and resentment along the way... or not. And this question was more about that.
Posted by MissJosGettinHitched[/QUOTE]

Who exactly are you preaching to?

redheadfsu · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bad-would-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a7a81e6c-780b-4c11-9f80-4a40b50c5421Post:f9fa2ab5-a5f7-4171-891d-79767f87b3fb">Re: How Bad Would this Be?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's not about deciding to get engaged at all, it's about perhaps holding off a bit. Many of you brought up the issue of respect... and there are respectful and mature ways to go about such things - which also show proof of being an "adult". You can walk up to the altar leaving a wake of hurt feelings and resentment along the way... or not. And this question was more about that.
Posted by MissJosGettinHitched[/QUOTE]

I'm confused. Why did you post this thread? For advice for yourself or something else?

[Deleted User] · December 2009

i would just get engaged if i wanted to get engaged. neither of those is even close to a dealbreaker.

squirrly · December 2009

I wouldn't get engaged without at least making significant effort for him to meet my parents and me to meet his parents. That would seem to be really kind of rude to all parties. Now, if they weren't cooperative to meeting, etc., so be it. But, I would make every effort possible.

The decision of who I marry, though, is entirely mine. I would make every effort to make my parents comfortable with my FI, but I don't need their approval. Doesn't mean I don't want it -- but I don't need it. If they simply refused to accept him willingly, I certainly wouldn't hold him responsible for that and walk away. I'm the one who has to live my life - not my parents.

And no, I wouldn't delay my engagement, either. I would sit down and have an adult conversation with them to try to allay their concerns, but I would move ahead with my life on the timeline that suited me and my FI.

Best of luck.

MissJosGettinHitched · December 2009

None of that was preaching. A lot of people brought up that argument of 'age'/'maturity', which is all valid and great. However, my question was:

Would you put off the engagement, and if not, how would you go about things.

I got basically nothing in the first round of how to handle the situation... just "well, I'm old enough to get married so I'm old enough to just go ahead with things."

Well, what if that's not the case? How then do you proceed with an engagement and deal with either rents who haven't met the person yet who might be offended or hurt, or who if they've met them, but have certain objections, especially cultural or religious...???

mwhitson14 · December 2009

What if what's not the case? Are you not old enough to get married without parental consent?

janedoe1113a · December 2009

Exactly how old are you?

redheadfsu · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bad-would-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a7a81e6c-780b-4c11-9f80-4a40b50c5421Post:be1a0a16-7152-4fb8-8574-25d03a472ee3">Re: How Bad Would this Be?</a>:
[QUOTE]None of that was preaching. A lot of people brought up that argument of 'age'/'maturity', which is all valid and great. However, my question was: Would you put off the engagement, and if not, how would you go about things. I got basically nothing in the first round of how to handle the situation... just "well, I'm old enough to get married so I'm old enough to just go ahead with things." Well, what if that's not the case? How then do you proceed with an engagement and deal with either rents who haven't met the person yet who might be offended or hurt, or who if they've met them, but have certain objections, especially cultural or religious...???
Posted by MissJosGettinHitched[/QUOTE]

A lot of the woman on here have professional jobs/ in college/ have lived on their own for awhile. So parental approval is not a must, but we all want our families to be happy with our marriage. I have a high standard for myself, so if my parents objected it most likely would be irrational. If my parents were irrational about my relationship, I would not be a hostage to their emotional craziness.

If parental approval is a must, talk to them as an adult. Have them meet your FI. Your FI must have good qualities, right? Highlight those. See why your parents object. Are they rational objections? Go to a mediator or counselor together and try to work on your relationship with your parents and your FI.

Edit: Just want to add, please don't get engaged or married until you are old enough to support yourself & please finish college first.

[Deleted User] · December 2009

i have no respect for people who act like dipshits for religious reasons. that kind of crap wouldn't affect my decision at all.

SarahPLiz · December 2009

a) My sister got engaged and none of us knew she was even dating my BIL. None of us had met him. My mom was pissed. They got married 2 weeks later and I didn't meet him until 4 months later. They celebrated their 12 year anniversary in AUgust. My mom still holds a little bit of a grudge, but she did end up really liking my BIL when she met him.

b) I think that if you and your BF/FI recognixe the differences in your cultures and religions and have a plan on how you will live your lives together, then there is no reason for your parents to be involved in that decision. If the 2 of you can reconcile conflicting belief systems, then go for it. Its not really your parent's business.

SarahPLiz · December 2009

So, in August 2008 you said your wedding was 14 months away. then in September 2008 you said that the engagement wasn't final because your FI was out of town for work and had not met your parents yet. Is he in the military? Has he not come home for over a year? That must be a tough LDR.

RachNRich · December 2009

Rich and I got engaged before either sets of parents had met our significant other.

We're getting married in less than 3 months now. Not a single person threw a fit (except his sister, but that is neither here nor there).

cbvcru67 · December 2009

It seems like you might be nervous for your parents to meet your BF and that's why you haven't officially become engaged yet, is that correct? While I agree that if you have a close relationship with your parents, it is a sign of respect to allow them the oppurtutnity to meet your BF before you take that next step, the question is - if you're that serious - and close with your parents-, why haven't you made that move yet? Is it distance, cost, or just sheer fear/anxiety?

If it's the first two, I would make an effort to talk about your BF on the phone, maybe put him on to say hello to your mom for a quick second now and then, ease them into it. Let them into this very important part of your life. It will work itself out from there.

If it's the second, bite the bullet and take him home and just do it already. If you're really worried about a culture clash, let your parents know sublty ahead of time he may not be the Prince Charming they've envisioned for you since you were 5. ("Mom, He is sooo sweet, I know you're going to love him. He did the sweetest thing for me the other day and cooked me homemmade chicken noodle soup when I was sick. By the way, he has a Mike Tyson-esque tattoo all over the front of his face.") Ok , maybe that isn't subtle enough, but you get the idea. The longer you wait and "hide" him, the worse the intros are going to be, and if I was your BF, I'd be really upset to think that you were too ashamed of me to introduce me to your family.

MissJosGettinHitched · December 2009

@SarahPLiz - He's since you last checked into our rel for whatever reason moved to my town in July, and has met my parents who have so far ventured as far as to grudgingly say he's 'a very nice and respectful guy' and our date has been indefinitely postponed mostly due to finances.

As far as this question has anything to do with me, is the fact that my parents are highly religious Arabs. FI is from, I guess one would say an Agnostic background?? and white American. We're both churchgoers but his family definitely isnt

Our parents have yet to meet each other. And that would basically be about it as far as this question relates.

I was mostly just curious about your opinions. Has very little to do with me or my relationship between my FI and my parents. as far as I'm concerned I'm ultimately the only one who has to lie in bed with my decision for the rest of my life so it better be good and what I want and could live with 'forever'.

SarahPLiz · December 2009

I wasn't trying to be disrespectful or pry, I was just looking for your planned date on your bio and your blog post came up, so it made me curious.

lyndausvi · December 2009

We basically got engaged before we met each other's parents.

DH insited not to be 'offically' engaged until he met my parents.(in his mind giving me the ring made it official). He met them one day and the next day I got the ring (which I had designed myself ). In my mind I was engaged months eariler, but I let him think otherwise.. It was stupid, but whatever, it made him happy.

I met my MIL three days later. She sent down her diamond for DH to give to me 5 months eariler. So she knew is was coming. She even threw us an engagement party the day after I met her.

So I since we basically did option #1, option #2 never had a chance to occur.

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