NWR: warm & fuzzy ILs?

musicalsunlight · April 2011

I was thinking about this yesterday because my FMIL texted me a very sweet text about hoping my day goes well and that she loves me. J's family is very touchy-feely and always end phone calls with an "I love you", and hug each other goodbye when leaving a family gathering. I think it is nice and they are very inviting people, but I always feel really awkward saying "I love you too" back. My family is perfectly loving and close but we have never been an "I love you" saying family all the time. Does that make sense?

I guess I just never say "I love you" out loud except to J, and sometimes my parents if the situation seems to come up. For some reason it makes me uncomfortable to say out loud to other people. Is that weird? Haha am I heartless?

Honestly I do feel love for my ILs, but saying it just feels strange to me. Am I alone in this? Are your ILs more affectionate (or less) than you?

annakb8 · April 2011

No, I feel the same way. My FIs parents, and even his aunts and uncles, tell me they love me and I feel really awkward saying it back. And his mom and aunts feel free to call, text, or email me whenever and sometimes I just don't want to deal with it.

impslave · April 2011

For the two years we were engaged, MIL was very standoffish. I didn't fit the definition of a good wife for her son, so things were pretty tense between us. About a week after our wedding, we had a chat and hashed out a lot of our differences.

It's been a year now, and I can actually not cringe when I think about her. She'll say "love you both" after a visit, but I'm not quite there yet. I only say "love you" to my immediate family and H.

H's mom and aunt are big huggers, and they're always hugging me now. It's nice, considering things didn't start off great, but I'm not all that into hugging.

baystateapple · April 2011

It's the opposite for me. My family is really overly affectionate, and H's family...not so much. I adore his mom and my BILs, and we hug and stuff, but nobody ever says "I love you". Even when H calls his mom, they just say "Bye" at the end of the conversation. I asked him once why he never tells her he loves her, he shrugged and said he doesn't know, it's just not something they do.

musicalsunlight · April 2011

Sometimes I feel like a bad person because I don't feel as comfortable about it, because it is not like I hate them, in fact I do love them, lol. Just saying it and hugging is just more uncomfortable to me.

musicalsunlight · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-warm-fuzzy-ils?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:05c9175a-6705-457c-98c0-7a408f05260bPost:200ff5e2-4c79-4d79-9962-3bf5a2e16710">Re: NWR: warm & fuzzy ILs?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's the opposite for me. My family is really overly affectionate, and H's family...not so much. I adore his mom and my BILs, and we hug and stuff, but nobody ever says "I love you". Even when H calls his mom, they just say "Bye" at the end of the conversation. I asked him once why he never tells her he loves her, he shrugged and said he doesn't know, it's just not something they do.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I think it is just something that is normal for some people. My parents and I never end conversations with "I love you", but I also know that they do, of course, still love me. Whereas even if I'm on the phone with ILs, they will end it by saying, "Love you!" It just is almost a little jarring to me for some reason. If I said "I Love you" to my mom over the phone, she'd probably be caught a bit offguard, haha.

Beachy730 · April 2011

HA, I complain about this all the time to my mom. MIL always hangs up the phone with "I love you," and it drives me nuts. Sometimes she'll even end texts messages with it. And it's usually even more annoying though with an "I love you baby girl." WTF! It's really really strange to me that H's whole family says it when they hang up because they are not at all a close family. My family is ridiculously close and we say it MAYBE once a year. But actions speak louder than words, and it takes more than an ILY to convinve me.

Luckily MIL is the only one who calls me so I don't have to deal with it for all of them. When she is on the phone and says it, I will say it back just out of respect for H I guess. But if she texts it I ignore the text, and I never say it first. She also is the queen of stupid forward texts, and I ignore all of those too.

Annddd.... another annoyance I had was that MIL would ALWAYS kiss H on the lips when we would leave. It would seriously make me want to vomit. I know some families kiss on the lips, but I have never actually seen it. But I dealt with it because it's his mom and that's what they did. I would always turn my cheek for her though (that's what I do with my own family too), and finally one day she said "oh honey you need to learn to kiss on the mouth. We are Italian and in this family we kiss on the mouth." In my head I'm vomiting, and thinking I know many full blood Italian families, including my own, and that doesn't happen. I just kinda fake smiled and left, and once H and I got in the car I said "your mom is smoking crack if she thinks I'm ever going to kiss her on the lips, it just irks me out." And then I found out he hates it also, and ever since then I noticed he would turn his cheek to her.

sarahmi5308 · April 2011

My ILs are the same way... Hugs for everyone, I love you after everything. My family is lovey... But it is just different with the IL's?

My best friend and I were talking about it the other day... They are very clingy (for a lack of a better word). I love spending time with them, but don't need to spend every sunday night at their house, or some days during the week. FI's Brother's wife's family is even MORE involved/clingy/lovey. Her mother has no problem calling me on a whim. I can't stand her. So it makes it worse. and I hate when the woman says "I love you sweetie" I feel awkward and don't feel the same way (most of the time I want to punch her) <endrant />

annakb8 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-warm-fuzzy-ils?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:05c9175a-6705-457c-98c0-7a408f05260bPost:98afe4ee-b1fa-4051-bdef-c395a0214b8d">Re: NWR: warm & fuzzy ILs?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sometimes I feel like a bad person because I don't feel as comfortable about it, because it is not like I hate them, in fact I do love them, lol. Just saying it and hugging is just more uncomfortable to me.
Posted by musicalsunlight[/QUOTE]

I feel the same way. I actually do tell my parents I love them whenever we talk on the phone, but I don't do that for anyone else. And I am just not a hugger in general. Its nothing against them, they're great, I just hate when people touch me.

musicalsunlight · April 2011

I know exactly what you mean DNB, my family doesn't use the words but we don't really need to, so maybe that is why I feel like it's weird? I don't know.

Meg1036 · April 2011

It's the same for me. I'm not even the type to say "I love you" to my own aunts and uncles (although they say it to me), so it makes me really uncomfortable to hear it from FI's family.

I'm a lot like my dad - neither of us is really emotionally effusive, and I get uncomfortable in groups where there is a lot of hugging, etc. (FILs are definitely like that, and I really don't want to offend them). They can tell I'm uncomfortable, and they think it's because I don't like them. Which isn't it at all. It's just a way of expressing myself that I don't do often.

Stackeye210 · April 2011

My IL's are huggers and lovers. I didn't like it at first and so my MIL got the hint, but now that I really DO love them I would be open to hugging but it's almost like that ship has sailed b/c I'm too shy to actually initiate it now. Oh well. I always make sure to hug them on holidays. I have recently started telling my MIL that I love her, because I really honestly do. But I only started saying it once I really started feeling it.

Stackeye210 · April 2011

I kiss my grandparents on the lips just b/c that's how its always been. It isn't weird to me with them, but I think with anyone else it would be.

Remember the old school Family Feud and dude would kiss every female contestant on their lips? Even if they were under 18. That creeps me out. lol.

aragx6 · April 2011

My FMIL has never said I love you to me, but it sure would be awkward if she did. My relationship with both his parents is a little exhausting, and to be perfectly honest I simply don't love them. It's been 7 years and it still stuns me how different their son is than them.

They're cold, hypocritical, hypercritical and passive aggressive.

Beachy730 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-warm-fuzzy-ils?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:05c9175a-6705-457c-98c0-7a408f05260bPost:34e564b3-aedf-48f1-b923-1f82dccd083c">Re: NWR: warm & fuzzy ILs?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FMIL has never said I love you to me, but it sure would be awkward if she did. My relationship with both his parents is a little exhausting, and to be perfectly honest I simply don't love them. It's been 7 years and<strong> it still stuns me how different their son is than them. </strong>They're cold, hypocritical, hypercritical and passive aggressive.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

<div>This is what I always say too. </div>

missy68 · April 2011

I don't think I've ever hugged J's sister. I've hugged his aunt a couple of times. Not his grown nephew or his sister's husband either. His mom is deceased, dad is estranged.

MY family, though, is very demonstrative. We always end phone calls with "love you," even FB chats with my brother I end like that. We're huggers, and kissers, and my parents and SIL hug J. Well, I think my dad shakes his hand when we arrive, and hugs him when we leave. My brother hugs him. My grandmothers hug him, when we see them. I have a suspicion part of it is knowing he hasn't had a solid, positive father figure in his life since he was 5, and part is just how much they like him. They know his mom has been gone for 12 years now, and I think they have kind of taken him under their wing, even though he's very much an adult. Dad's offered to be any kind of father-figure he might ever need, even though he's survived 40 years without one.

I think he appreciates the gesture, though, and I think the demonstrativeness is less intimidating now than it was at first. He was very private and closed when we met; not so much now.

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