Advice Please

emilykathleen511 · February 2011

Thanks for your help!

musicalsunlight · February 2011

If you do not feel comfortable with the shower as she wants to do it, I don't see a problem with politely declining. The fact that she seems set against inviting your few "side" of the BP seems weird to me. And rude.

tpender13 · February 2011

I get where you're coming from, that it would be so much easier to just have one shower, especially when you live so far away from here. And it does kinda suck that FMIL isn't or doesn't want to work with that. But even so, she's throwing a party, so even though it's in your honor, she gets to decide the guest list.

Maybe you could have a small thing at a restaurant somewhere with the group from your side that same weekend.

EDIT: Ditto musical; it's okay to decline the shower.

musicalsunlight · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:81Discussion:8d309a52-513f-454b-90f3-545afb845e3ePost:8816ce3f-4120-4c94-bf49-61979ad32556">Re: Advice Please</a>:
[QUOTE]I get where you're coming from, that it would be so much easier to just have one shower, especially when you live so far away from here. And it does kinda suck that FMIL isn't or doesn't want to work with that. But even so,<strong> she's throwing a party, so even though it's in your honor</strong>, she gets to decide the guest list. Maybe you could have a small thing at a restaurant somewhere with the group from your side that same weekend.
Posted by tpender13[/QUOTE]

This is true but I don't think she is obligated to accept the party, if she really doesn't feel comfortable with the way it would be held. If my FMIL told me that she ONLY wanted to hold a shower if she didn't have to invite X,Y & Z ...I'd be offended and probably say it was best not to have a shower.

ETA: Haha just saw you edited yours, tp! ;)

graysquirrel · February 2011

I agree with pps. Unfortunately, if she hosts, she can decide who to invite. However, I hope that she isn't expecting your BMs to pay any money toward it. Since she asked for the contact info, I thought that it might be possible. If you are uncomfortable with the set-up, decline.

However, as rude as she's been and as bad as this sounds, I would think very hard before delcining for 2 reasons. One, you don't want to alienate your new family, which declining could very well do. Second, at least by going you'd get some gifts out of it, which you wouldn't get otherwise.

Steph0871 · February 2011

Ditto everything Gray said.

You *can* decline, but it might cause hurt feelings. So has she actually told you that she doesn't want to invite your family or did she just say that in her email to your MOH? If she hasn't actually said anything to you, I'd just make sure to give her a list of your family that you want invited

emilykathleen511 · February 2011

Well, it isn't really a "new" family, in that, I've known her for the entire 8.5 years FI and me have been together, but yeah, she would probably take me declining the wrong way.

She told FI over the phone that she was sure my sisters or whoever would be throwing a shower for "my" side and she wanted to throw one for hers. Then when I was talking to her about something else wedding-related I told her what I said in my OP; she didn't say anything except to give her MOHs contact info. Then in the e-mail to MOH she basically said there wasn't room in her living room for any more than the number that she wants invited of her people (even though she will be having over double that amount in her home for the rehearsal dinner). I mean, if one of my sisters offers to host a shower, I would definitely invite my in-laws; I get along with all of them and know them all pretty well. My FMIL has always been nice to my face, but does passive aggressive things or talks behind my back.

I was thinking of saying that I only have time for one shower, since I will have fairly limited time in Minnesota before the wedding.

musicalsunlight · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:81Discussion:8d309a52-513f-454b-90f3-545afb845e3ePost:8a139010-9380-4ab5-a6a0-2e6edb703bbb">Re: Advice Please</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, it isn't really a "new" family, in that, I've known her for the entire 8.5 years FI and me have been together, but yeah, she would probably take me declining the wrong way. She told FI over the phone that she was sure my sisters or whoever would be throwing a shower for "my" side and she wanted to throw one for hers. Then when I was talking to her about something else wedding-related I told her what I said in my OP; she didn't say anything except to give her MOHs contact info. Then in the e-mail to MOH she basically said there wasn't room in her living room for any more than the number that she wants invited of her people (even though she will be having over double that amount in her home for the rehearsal dinner). I mean, if one of my sisters offers to host a shower, I would definitely invite my in-laws; I get along with all of them and know them all pretty well. My FMIL has always been nice to my face, but does passive aggressive things or talks behind my back. I was thinking of saying that I only have time for one shower, since I will have fairly limited time in Minnesota before the wedding.
Posted by emilykathleen511[/QUOTE]

I guess I don't understand her logic, but I suppose it is probably more of a "I want to do it MY way" thing rather than actually worrying about space, since you already pointed out she would have more coming for the RD later. I think you should do what feels best internally, whether it is to decline or not. If it were my FMIL, who is on the edge of being BSC sometimes, I'd probably decline it because I would feel uncomfortable. So I guess it is what outcome you feel best with! Good luck! Oh, FMILs...

SuperRNluvsChef · March 2011

Barf. It sounds like we have the same mother in law. I share your frustrations. I agree with Steph and graysquirrel. GL with all that, and maybe telling her about your limited time in MN will help her chill out a bit.

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