Non-Catholic FI...Just need to VENT!

astanos · May 2010

I have grown up in the same Catholic church my whole life; the same priest baptized me, did my First Communion and Confirmation. So it's really important to me that he marries me. My FI is not Catholic, in fact not very religious at all. I don't want him to become Catholic and he knows that but he keeps bashing everything about getting married in the Church. It hurts my feelings because it's so important to me. I understand that he isn't religious so having a Catholic wedding is a bit extreme but I also feel like my parents are paying for it and he is not religious so why should he care?? I know he is going to be so upset to hear about Engagement Encounter weekend and the classes with my priest we will have to take....He has been to a couple masses with me at my church so he konws that they aren't that bad.
Anyone else have a non-Catholic FI and how did you handle that? Or any advice on how to make mine ease up a little?

ring_pop · May 2010

I'm sorry but this sounds like a huge red flag to me. Have you told him how much this hurts your feelings? If so, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who knowingly continues to do something that hurts you? (If not, speak up!)

At the same time, have you tried having a conversation with him about compromising on the religious aspect of the ceremony? I understand that having a Catholic wedding is REALLY important to you and that's fine, but have you guys actually talked about it, rather than you just taking this "He has to do it because I said so" attitude? You asked "why should he care": just because he is NOT religious, it doesn't mean that he ought to default to your religion. A Catholic wedding is really important to you, but have you considered that perhaps a non-religious wedding is equally important to him?

You both need to respect each other's religious views even if you don't agree on them. How is he going to react when you are asked whether you will raise your children Catholic?

I really think you have some major issues to work out before going any further with planning your wedding. This is about more than him being non-Catholic.

cloud9brenda · May 2010

You know, i was kind of hesitant about a Catholic wedding myself when i first started on this wedding planning journey over a year ago. The Catholic wedding was more for my fiancee, whose family is more religious than mine. I was raised Catholic but we are not regular church going people. Anyway, i wanted to tell you that for me, going through the FOCCUS and the marriage counseling and getting to know our priest was so reassuring. Going through these processes i think he will begin to understand why they are important and how they are the foundation to a solid marriage. If after this he still bashes it, then maybe ythats something you should discuss with the church marriage counselor.

[Deleted User] · May 2010

I agree with ring_pop. It sounds like there are some other things going on there. I would definitely take a step back and talk with him further and even maybe go talk to your priest about this by yourself. Priests are excellent counselors. He should have some good advice about how to handle this situation.

woodie · May 2010

You're just getting started as a couple and you're already facing one of the biggest causes of conflict that couples go through. If you think this issue is just affecting your wedding, you are wrong. It will also affect your whole marriage. You need to have a frank discussion and you need to really think everything through before you go thru with this wedding. You might not care that he's not Catholic now, but how are you going to feel after a few years of going to church by yourself while your husband stays home? How are you going to feel when/if you have children? Are you secretly hoping he'll change his ways after you marry him? Religion becomes a huge issue between couples, especially after children. So, if you can't get on the same page now, then you need to cut your losses and move on.

tgirl06 · May 2010

I have a lot of sympathy for you because I've been dealing with the same situation. My fiance isn't a fan of organized religion, but he agreed to a Catholic wedding because he knew how important it was to me. That doesn't mean he was happy about a lot of the things that the Church requires. One thing to consider is that a lot of what goes on in a Catholic ceremony (not to mention the preparation) is important to you as an individual, but not to him, which makes it difficult because the wedding is supposed to be about you as a couple. Take the time now to discuss what is important to him and then talk to your priest about incorporating as much as possible of this.

If we could make it through engaged encounter and meetings with the priest, you can too. Just make sure you talk a lot about what is important to both of you, for the wedding AND the marriage. I don't promise that it will be easy, but in the end it will make you stronger as a couple if you work through your differences in a constructive way together. Good luck!

Calypso1977 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_non-catholic-fijust-need-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:16bd21ea-f7b1-49fa-aab0-cae803aae419Post:da390aed-6167-412b-ab21-8c6a35af21c1">Re: Non-Catholic FI...Just need to VENT!</a>:
[QUOTE]You're just getting started as a couple and you're already facing one of the biggest causes of conflict that couples go through. If you think this issue is just affecting your wedding, you are wrong. It will also affect your whole marriage. You need to have a frank discussion and you need to really think everything through before you go thru with this wedding. You might not care that he's not Catholic now, but how are you going to feel after a few years of going to church by yourself while your husband stays home? How are you going to feel when/if you have children? Are you secretly hoping he'll change his ways after you marry him? Religion becomes a huge issue between couples, especially after children. So, if you can't get on the same page now, then you need to cut your losses and move on.
Posted by woodie[/QUOTE]

this.

i'm actually really surprised by the number of brides on here that say their faith is very important to them, yet they have chosen mates who do not share their faith with them. for me, it was a no brainer to marry someone who shared my faith. i just knew it would make marriage easier. yes, you cant help who you fall in love with, but you do have control over who you date in the first place.

i really hope this works out for you, btu i would proceed with extreme caution and maybe rethink this marriage.

mica178 · May 2010

I am marrying a non-Catholic. He has some issues with some of the church's specific ideas/policies, but he knows that if he wants to marry me, he's going to have to have the wedding at the Catholic church, and that includes attending the EE, pre-marital counseling, my preference to raise our children as Catholic, etc. I told FI that these things were important to me, and he respects that part of what makes me "me" is my relationship with God.

EE and a lot of the pre-marital counseling focus more on relationship issues than on religious ones. My FI was actually excited about doing the Catholic pre-marital preparation stuff because he thinks these issues need to be discussed before the wedding to have a successful marriage.

agapecarrie · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_non-catholic-fijust-need-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:16bd21ea-f7b1-49fa-aab0-cae803aae419Post:67b0f7f0-307f-4077-89b8-c02d5d413854">Re: Non-Catholic FI...Just need to VENT!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Non-Catholic FI...Just need to VENT! : this. i'm actually really surprised by the number of brides on here that say their faith is very important to them, yet they have chosen mates who do not share their faith with them. for me, it was a no brainer to marry someone who shared my faith. i just knew it would make marriage easier. yes, you cant help who you fall in love with, but you do have control over who you date in the first place. i really hope this works out for you, btu i would proceed with extreme caution and maybe rethink this marriage.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

Calypso, I agree almost completely with you...with one change

You can help who you love. Love is a decision, an act of the will, it isn't emotion. Emotions come with it, but love itself isn't an emotion.
Love is a decision for the other's good, and the other's good is to get them to heaven. (This is from Eph 5).

If you can't help who you "fall in love with" then you can't help it when you fall "out of love". and there would be no such thing as the permanence of marrige. It would be impossible to vow to love someone till death if it was merely an accident of "falling".

Emotions come and go, but the decision to love even when one doesn't feel like it (like Christ did on the cross) is the most important thing to understand when going into marriage.

That said, I agree with you about picking who you date, and marrying someone in the faith. When a couple agrees on the most important things in life, like their souls, then the major decisions made together are all for the same goal.

Jasmine&Rajah · May 2010

astanos, I am sorry that you are going through this, and that your FI does not respect the Church. I pray that the Savior is with you and guides you. Your example might be what helps your FI toward conversion and salvation - only Jesus knows, since only He can truly turn someone's heart.

As strangers on a message board, none of us can tell you what to do. But as your sister in Christ, I can say that I personally could not survive in a marriage where my husband - the man commanded to spiritually lead me and our house - did not love and honor the Lord and the teachings of the Church. NFP, in particular, will be very difficult if your husband is not "on board" with you. He may not care since he does not receive the Eucharist - but as for your own ability to receive, I'm sure that you do care (and should, if you are a practicing Catholic.)

I wish I had more encouraging words for you - I'm sorry that I don't. You're in my prayers.

Theresa626 · May 2010

This is not going to be the only time you will encounter this problem. This same problem will rear it's ugly head for the rest of your married life together. It is one thing for you two to be of different religious beliefs but when your fiance doesn't respect your beliefs or feels you are forcing them upon him when you follow those beliefs, you are getting into a lot more trouble.

When you have kids, what religion will your raise them? Is it important that they be baptized or that they go to church every once in a while? That they pray? That they believe in God? On Christmas, do you want to have a religious celebration? Do you want your family to go to church with you? Do you feel comfortable talking about your religious beliefs with your fiance without being criticized or belittled?

These are very very important discussions to have with him. If Catholicism is important enough to you to have a Catholic wedding, then you really need to think long and hard about whether you can marry someone who doesn't respect your religious beliefs. At this point, I'd say this argument has very little to do with your wedding day and everything to do with your compatibility as a couple. Your fiance doesn't need to be religious but he needs to respect and even support your religious beliefs. By support I mean that he encourages you in your faith even if he doesn't join you in it. Please sit down with him and have a very serious talk with him. I strongly suggest you purchase this book and go through the questions on faith with him.

http://www.amazon.com/Perspectives-Marriage-Catholic-Ceremony-Resources/dp/0915388375

You need to agree or at least come to an understanding about all of the aspects of your religious life as a married couple. This book has lots of questions that you may not have thought of. You work through the questions on your own and then discuss them with your fiance.

Theresa626 · May 2010

agapecarrie, I love what you said about love. I agree that it is a choice and I think very few people enter marriage understanding that.

unplainjane · May 2010

wow this is hard. my FI in catholic and i am not. we are having a catholic wedding. with your FI like PP posts said this is something the two of you need to discuss. not just for your wedding but for your future as a family and how you want to raise your children. as a non-catholic once we got engaged i did crazy research on the catholic church and how they feel about marriage and family because i know it's so important to him and i want to understand it all. he definitely should not be disrespectly at all! that is not acceptable. you guys need to talk over why he has this attitude. have you guys met with your priest yet? i know it will be important to the priest that he is open to raising his children catholic. very early on in our relationship my FI asked me my thoughts about raising children catholic and i said i was fine with it. if i wasn't i know it would've been a deal breaker for him. so this is important stuff. when you do talk don't push the chuch on him and pressure him but educate him on why it's important to you.

Calypso1977 · May 2010

i somewhat agree with teh comments on love taht agape made.

i think you can still have a successful marriage without love. love is but one small piece. its important, but its not the most important aspect nor is the only aspect needed. i also dont beleive in "soul mates". i think its possible for folks to be compatible with more than one person, and i think its possible for someone to be mad crazy in love with someone and have it be a terrible fit, and possible for someone to have a level of love for someone else and have it be wildly successful marriage.

agapecarrie · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_non-catholic-fijust-need-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:16bd21ea-f7b1-49fa-aab0-cae803aae419Post:ebe3752c-6af5-424e-8771-fe1b9f9fa3c4">Re: Non-Catholic FI...Just need to VENT!</a>:
[QUOTE]i somewhat agree with teh comments on love taht agape made. i think you can still have a successful marriage without love. love is but one small piece. its important, but its not the most important aspect nor is the only aspect needed. i also dont beleive in "soul mates". i think its possible for folks to be compatible with more than one person, and i think its possible for someone to be mad crazy in love with someone and have it be a terrible fit, and possible for someone to have a level of love for someone else and have it be wildly successful marriage.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

I guess its what one would define "successful" as. Staying together, but miserable, giddy, or somewhere in between.... its an interesting perspective calypso, and I'll think about that more.

I define it as the church defines it... as EPH 5, "Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church". ...which means he has to love his wife, get her to heaven even if it kills him. I would definitely rate the "love" for a spouse as the single most important thing in a marriage. Remember, love is not a feeling. You often don't feel in love with someone, but can choose to love them every day.

bel138 · May 2010

I just wanted to throw out that I do believe in "soul mates" because I believe that God MADE my DH specifically for me. And that he MADE me specifically for DH. And that he wants us to be together, and there is no other person on this earth for each of us. Otherwise, why would we commit our entires lives (an all of eternity) to each other? I don't know if that's what you meant by "soul mates" though.

Oh, and OP. Major red flags. HUGE red flags. I think every one else covered what I would say to you, though.

agapecarrie · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_non-catholic-fijust-need-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:16bd21ea-f7b1-49fa-aab0-cae803aae419Post:ca9c7aba-e88d-43b8-bda2-5368eb23fabf">Re: Non-Catholic FI...Just need to VENT!</a>:
[QUOTE]I just wanted to throw out that I do believe in "soul mates" because I believe that God MADE my DH specifically for me. And that he MADE me specifically for DH. And that he wants us to be together, and there is no other person on this earth for each of us. Otherwise, why would we commit our entires lives (an all of eternity) to each other? I don't know if that's what you meant by "soul mates" though. Oh, and OP. Major red flags. HUGE red flags. I think every one else covered what I would say to you, though.
Posted by bel138[/QUOTE]

Actually, you don't spend all of eternity together. Christ says there is no marriage in heaven. The whole purpose of marriage is to help each other get to heaven. Earthly marriage on earth is an icon of the trinity, and points us to marriage of Christ to His Church. We no longer need the icon when in heaven.

The thing about it is, marriage is a free choice. We have a free choice with who we marry or if we marry.

Calypso1977 · May 2010

that is what i meant by soul mates, bel, and while i respect your position, i dont agree with it.

bridgetlb · May 2010

my FI is not catholic either but realizes that i 100% am and has agreed to go to catholic church as a family and raise our kids catholic. in return i never expect him to convert, but just respect my religion and beliefs. he occasionly makes jabs at the catholic church or other religions in general even though he is 100% christian. when approaching the pre-cana, i was so scared as to the outcome since he likes his little jabs and such. on the way there (on maybe the night before)... i asked him one thing: please just be open minded for this one day, on this one thing and maybe it won't be as bad as you think...
we have a wonderful pre-cana class and he was ALL ears the whole time!!! i was shocked. he really enjoyed himself and learned quite a bit. they were very respectful that there were non-catholics there and even explained things better than i ever could. he said he feels more open minded now!!! i'm shocked!
my point is this....
1. ask him to just be openminded for this ONE thing and see what happens
2. sometimes people who aren't committed to 1 perticualur religion, but are christians just feel uncomfortable with all the rules and such and because they are guys, their way of showing their uncomfortableness is to make snide remarks - guys like to know everything and be in control... and when it comes to this, they are not and feel uncomfortable.
3. as long as he respects where your beliefs are coming from - everything is fine.

for those that are hating on this orignal poster, just remember that sometimes God brings people into our lives for a reason. maybe that reason is to show them the way. maybe her FI or my FI has never really been shown a certain way and they feel uncomfortable at what they don't understand. as long as they respect where our beliefs are coming from, maybe one day they will understand them as well... wether they ever fully commit to that belief doesn't matter, if the mutal respect is there. All and all, God is God, no matter what religion you associate with.

Calypso1977 · May 2010

no one is hating on OP??!??

we are just letting her know that she may want to take a hard look at things. mixed marriages CAN work, your case is a great example, as is my sister's marriage (her husband did ultimately convert, but it was on his own terms, own time, shortly after the birth of their first child). in both of those examples, full spousal support of practicing the faith was present. OP doesnt appear to have that, and that could be a big problem for her.

Riss91 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_non-catholic-fijust-need-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:16bd21ea-f7b1-49fa-aab0-cae803aae419Post:5504aa07-51a9-450c-bfd7-cddcfae652b3">Re: Non-Catholic FI...Just need to VENT!</a>:
[QUOTE]2. sometimes people who aren't committed to 1 perticualur religion, but are christians just feel uncomfortable with all the rules and such <strong>and because they are guys, their way of showing their uncomfortableness is to make snide remarks - guys like to know everything and be in control</strong>... and when it comes to this, they are not and feel uncomfortable. 3. as long as he respects where your beliefs are coming from - everything is fine.
Posted by bridgetlb[/QUOTE]
I didn't think anyone was hating, either. Also - as for the bolded part - I don't think this is true (my husband certainly would never behave so immaturely) and if a guy behaves this way, it is not appropriate or acceptable and he is not ready for a serious committment. Regardless of what the disagreement is, a spouse should never be disrespectful to their mate. I think that would be my biggest problem with the OP issue. Her FI is blatantly disprespecting her. I wouldn't feel comfortable moving ahead with a relationship where that behavior was taking place. I hope they are able to sit down and talk through what he is feeling and hopefully resolve the problem, without the OP having to give up too much.

bridgetlb · May 2010

my FI has never disrespected me, i cant say if hers does or not. he is entitled to his own opinion and can express them how he chooses. i don't think anyone outside my relationship or the orginal poster's relationship can judge if their FI is mature enough for a marriage. just because he makes an inmature comment. we like to joke and kidd around alot and try not to take life too seriously... and making comments about a marriage prep class that so many non-catholic talk so bad about and give non-catholics the wrong impression about, he had every right to be concerned and a little cautious about. again i can't speak for her and her situation, but just trying to let her know sometimes guys express themselves differently than women do. it is up to her to decide if he truly has different thoughts than she thinks he does and is not ready for a serious committment or if he is just nervous and unsure. i can't honestly say that i've never made an inmature or snide comment about something i didnt' fully understand, i am human. if he has taken the step to actually go to church with her and didn't think it was "too bad", then that shows to me that he actually probably is more open minded than he is letting on, and it is up to her to decide that.
maybe he is nervous about the wedding in general and it is coming out in "bashing everything catholic" and doesn't realize how it is coming across.
for the OP, i think you should let him know honestly how you feel and see he reaction - he might surprize you! (in a good way

)

M&Mf4me · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_non-catholic-fijust-need-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:16bd21ea-f7b1-49fa-aab0-cae803aae419Post:77aad6fb-76ce-4154-9f06-ad76a8d2feaf">Re: Non-Catholic FI...Just need to VENT!</a>:
[QUOTE]astanos, I am sorry that you are going through this, and that your FI does not respect the Church. I pray that the Savior is with you and guides you. Your example might be what helps your FI toward conversion and salvation - only Jesus knows, since only He can truly turn someone's heart. As strangers on a message board, none of us can tell you what to do. But as your sister in Christ, I can say that I personally could not survive in a marriage where my husband - the man commanded to spiritually lead me and our house - did not love and honor the Lord and the teachings of the Church. NFP, in particular, will be very difficult if your husband is not "on board" with you. He may not care since he does not receive the Eucharist - but as for your own ability to receive, I'm sure that you do care (and should, if you are a practicing Catholic.) I wish I had more encouraging words for you - I'm sorry that I don't. You're in my prayers.
Posted by Jasmine&Rajah[/QUOTE]

VERY WELL put. ONe of my biggest disappointments of my first marriage (fully annulled) was the lack of spiritual headship. I have to echo the thoughts of others that say these issues were the doom of our marriage. Please assess where your heart and soul are the most comfortable. If your heart and soul are not "safe" with your intended you may need to step back and truly think and pray about the future.

Shell.

lisam1217 · May 2010

Wow, quite the discussion going on here. I'll give my two sense but firstly, I'll let you know this: I am not Catholic. I was raised in a non-denominational church. I have however been going to mass with my FI for the past 2 years. He is a very devote Catholic. Our situation is quite different from yours though. While we may not agree on everything when it comes to our faith and what is required as a Christian, we share the same fundamental beliefs and I think that is what helps to keep our relationship strong. I agreed to a Catholic wedding mostly because FI is such a devote Catholic and I knew that was a compromise I was willing to make. To say that our interfaith relationship hasn't ever led to problems would be a lie but we both have respect for each others believes.

Now, back to you. I think what your relationship is lacking is that respect for believes. If your FI agreed to a Catholic wedding and is now being difficult about it,that really isn't good. He shouldn't be doing that. But, as a non-Catholic myself, I can relate to what it must be like for him. I had 2+ years to learn more about the Catholic ways and customs by going to mass with FI. I'm not saying that in those two years I've come to agree with everything because I haven't, it's just helped me to understand more about where these beliefs come from and what they really mean. Your FI doesn't have that. And as a completely non-religious person, everything about the church probably seems so completely foreign to him. And, I'm going to be honest here but you have to remember that this is his wedding to. It's not fair for him to have a ceremony that is so completely different from his beliefs. I'm afraid that for him to get married in the Catholic Church, he may not take it very seriously, and that would not be good. Do you really want him to be sitting there during your wedding ceremony, completely disagreeing with everything that is being said?

Now, here is the hard part. You need to really sit down with him, both of you with an open mind, and discuss where to go from here. And I don't mean whether you should get married or not. I mean, see if there is a way to do the wedding in a way that you both can have a little of what you want because right now you both want completely different things. I think you both have to ask yourselves what is more important here, getting what you want out of the ceremony or getting each other. Interfaith marriages can work but they need both people to be willing to compromise and to be able to give a little.

I wish you the best of luck and really hope that everything works out for you!

Theresa626 · May 2010

Lisam, I disagree with you. Why is how their wedding day goes more important than how the rest of the marriage goes? You seem to think that the only thing this affects is their ceremony but honestly, their ceremony is really the least of their problems. You really think that the only time she'll have to compromise her religious beliefs is for the ceremony? That is very naive.

Calypso1977 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_non-catholic-fijust-need-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:16bd21ea-f7b1-49fa-aab0-cae803aae419Post:15867ff9-0703-4772-aa1c-58312cf0e570">Re: Non-Catholic FI...Just need to VENT!</a>:
[QUOTE]Lisam, I disagree with you. Why is how their wedding day goes more important than how the rest of the marriage goes? You seem to think that the only thing this affects is their ceremony but honestly, their ceremony is really the least of their problems. You really think that the only time she'll have to compromise her religious beliefs is for the ceremony? That is very naive.
Posted by Theresa626[/QUOTE]

ditto.

GulfCoaster · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_non-catholic-fijust-need-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:16bd21ea-f7b1-49fa-aab0-cae803aae419Post:6342d2e3-0dbb-4e11-82e5-d028caf3fffc">Re: Non-Catholic FI...Just need to VENT!</a>:
[QUOTE] Lisam, I disagree with you. Why is how their wedding day goes more important than how the rest of the marriage goes? You seem to think that the only thing this affects is their ceremony but honestly, their ceremony is really the least of their problems. You really think that the only time she'll have to compromise her religious beliefs is for the ceremony? That is very naive.
Posted by Theresa626[/QUOTE]

Tritto (if that's a word).

Mixed marriages can work (I know two Catholic-Protestant matches that have been married for 60 years now), but <em>only</em> if both partners can be respectful of each others' beliefs.

Based on what the OP said, he isn't respectful of her beliefs. I seriously doubt, based on what she wrote, that the disrespect toward her beliefs will end after they get married. How will her FI react when they have children, and she seeks to have them baptized Catholic? How will he react when the children receive their first Communion? Etc. Their wedding day is unlikely to be the only time in their marriage when they have to navigate religious differences.

Theresa626 · May 2010

astanos, you must read this thread and I'm really curious as to your thoughts. I really don't want you to think we are all saying you should call off the wedding immediately or something drastic like that. We just wanted to make sure you discuss these things with your fiance so you are on the same page about what you want from your marriage. So, I'm just wondering if you ever did talk to your fiance about this?

clearheavens · May 2010

I agree with Theresa626, we want you to know that we support you and are praying for you. Please let us know how you're doing.

astanos · May 2010

WOW I finally got around to reading these posts, everyone sure does have a lot of opinions! I don't believe that as a Catholic I should have strictly dated other Catholics, how is that fair? I believe that my FI were made for each other and I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. I grew up in a small town of only 350 and in the church I attended there were 2 other girls my same age. One of them is engaged and her FI is converting because it is so important to her that he does so. The other one is dating a guy who is not Catholic and is frankly not a very good person at all so do you think she cares whether he is Catholic or not? Obviously not.

I think part of my FI's problem is that his family is not very religious at all. He was baptized Methodist but they attended a Lutheran church because it was "closer to their house". Obviously religion is not important to them. He was never confirmed, only baptized. He believes in God but for a person whose family hardly ever attended church of course the idea of having a Catholic wedding must be overwhelming and scary for him. I do not expect him to convert. One of my CATHOLIC friends has a Catholic mom and a Lutheran father. They were married in our Catholic church. On Sundays the dad goes to his church and the mom and kids come to our church. It works great for them. There are several families in our church that do that so yes, mixed religion marriages can work, why wouldn't they?

I agree with bridgetlb that his remarks are from his lack of understanding and even being scared. I have talked to him about this and I told him that it really hurts my feelings when he makes those remarks because it is something that is so important to me. He says that he's only joking. His mom says that she knows the Engagement Encounter and premarital classes that we will be taking will be so beneficial for him because he will get a better understanding and maybe find God.

Like bridgetlb also said, as humans we are guilty of making fun of things that we don't understand, it is human nature. I probably won't have a mass during my ceremony because obviously none of his family is Catholic and it would be more comfortable for everyone to not have one.

Theresa626 · May 2010

I don't think there is any issue with Catholics marrying non-Catholics and I'm sure that that alone would not cause any problems in your marriage. The issue we were worried about is respecting your beliefs, letting you follow the beliefs that are important to you, etc. I'm glad that you did talk to him about this but I would continue to emphasize how you really don't like when he jokes about your beliefs. If he really comes to understand that it is important to you then he can change his attitude towards your faith. Just continue to to discuss it with him so you can have that respect you want when it comes to religion.

Non-Catholic FI...Just need to VENT!

Re: Non-Catholic FI...Just need to VENT!

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