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Not Engaged Yet
We aren't engaged but we are planning a wedding?!
Goodness, I know I'll probably get torn to bits for this, but ah, screw it. (Fair warning: I'm at Starbucks typing this with my second almost empty 20oz coffee next to me. If I jump around or just plain don't make any sense, blame it on the cccccaffiene! Also, it's long. Sorry bout that.)
My boyfriend and I have been together for five wonderful years as of Feb. It's no secret to anyone who knows us that we will be getting married in the future, whenever that may be. His mother has even been introducing me to everyone as her future DIL since year two. Even his co workers and boss (all men) bug BOTH of us on a regular basis about when will we finally get married! We know we're going to, they know we're going to, it's only a matter of time. Everyone else seems more anxious than we do.
We went ring shopping together last weekend. We each picked out both of our rings at only the thrid store. I'm going to a bridal show this weekend with my best friend, my boyfriend knows all about it and is all for it. He's talking about writing vows, cake, which church, and what time of the year he wants a wedding. I'm on here and he's on The Plunge. We are doing this pusdeo planning, but we aren't engaged yet. We talked about it, and he says we aren't technically engaged because he doesn't have the ring yet (he wants to save up and pay in cash so we don't have to finace and go into debt) and he hasn't said those beautiful four words, but for all intensive purposes we kind of are. I brought up the possibility of telling our parents about what we're currently doing (half ass planning a wedding, I guess?) cause our closest friends know and we kind of have a bridal party picked out already. He wants to wait to announce anything because he doesn't like the idea of us being engaged right now cause he wants to "do it the right way", such as asking my father and having a party to announce. He feels like an ass if I say "Oh, mommy and daddy, I'm getting married! But I don't have a ring yet. That'll come in a little while."
I am totally sympathetic to his feelings, but I feel terrible! It's like we're sneaking around our families backs. I want both of our moms to be involved in what we're doing. It's like "let's go look at rings/churches/cakes/ but stay away from this side of town in case we run into them." I'm just as excited as he is to be doing all of this, but it's ovbiously premature if we can't tell our families. We are currently looking around for a "stand-in" ring until he can get the amazing wedding set we picked out for me. He hasn't told me if he'll propose with the stand in or not, cause he's trying to keep SOMETHING a surprise.
So, to you laides I pose three questions: Should we just stop all the psudo planning if we can't even tell our families? Should we let them know what we're doing so it doesn't seem like they're being left out of the loop?
Also, his ring is substantially cheaper than mine and I could afford it soon; would it be acceptable if I bought his ring even though he can't get mine yet? I don't want to make him feel bad about not being able to get mine just yet (every time we talk about those rings he gets sad cause it's going to be awhile till I get mine) but I'd rather just get it now and have that expense out of the way. And, of course, I'm too exticed to wait.
Oui.
Thanks for listening.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: We aren't engaged but we are planning a wedding?!
In my opinion, yes. The best part of planning is sharing it with the people you love. If you want to include those folks, then you should wait! Otherwise, you'll have all these big plans and then you'll have to either tell them "Sorry, already done!" or, you'll end up changing so much because you value their input that the pre-planning wasn't even worth it (true story).
Should we let them know what we're doing so it doesn't seem like they're being left out of the loop?
That's a really personal decision. I don't think you should be pre-planning, especially since you feel bad not telling anyone. Personally, I would stop pre-planning, but let my folks know we've shopped for rings and a proposal is probably coming soon. In fact, that's what I did in a similar situation. lol
Also, his ring is substantially cheaper than mine and I could afford it soon; would it be acceptable if I bought his ring even though he can't get mine yet? I don't want to make him feel bad about not being able to get mine just yet (every time we talk about those rings he gets sad cause it's going to be awhile till I get mine) but I'd rather just get it now and have that expense out of the way.
There's no reason for you to buy his ring early. We bought our bands on Valentine's day when our wedding was the following June. PLENTY of time. But if you guys want a set, then it wouldn't hurt to buy his ring- AFTER you're engaged. If you decide you guys are engaged and ready to start spending money on the wedding, then go for it. If you are waiting to spend money on the wedding until he does the proposal with ring, then wait until after he does that.
Whatever happens, enjoy every minute! Wedding planning is wonderful and stressful and is over before you know it. Enjoy this time NOW, before the engagement... you never get this back. Life moves on. It's great for things to change so happily, but honestly... just appreciate the anticipation. And don't plan until you guys agree that you are engaged and ready to tell the world.
Married to my best friend, making our way together through this crazy, mixed-up thing we call life.
If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?
Now my two cents. Stop planing, dont even worry about anything wedding related until you 1. can tell the parents without feeling guilty and 2. have the ring.
that is all
[QUOTE]Yes, stop psuedo planning. Do not buy his ring. Do not pass go. (Monopoly ref, sorry!) Sweetie, <strong>I am 7months engaged</strong>, and my wedding is 6 months, 6 days from now. I understand being excited. I understand wanting to super plan! But I promise you will be a lot happier if you wait until you both feel that you are engaged. If you guys feel like you are engaged, I wouldn't be hiding it from my family. If you aren't, then stop planning. It sounds like you are sneaking around planning. My mom would be hurt to miss out on that stuff, and it would hurt our very good relationship. EDIT: If you want to pretend like the money is spent for his ring, just stick it in a jar and hide it in your underwear drawer or something. I actually am saving money in an envelope, in a lockbox ($7 @ Target) because a)FI does not go in the lockbox since it is my store/studio money and b) because I will not spend it. Edited again: If you guys want to, get engaged with a cheap, cute stand in and tell your family you are picking the design together and then it is being forged in the depths of Moria. That's a long-a$$ journey, just ask Frodo. There, I bought plenty of time for your guy to save up.
Posted by sunbird627[/QUOTE]
I must have baby fever. I thought that said you were 7 months pregnant and was thinking, "OH MY GOSH!! CONGRATS!!" Then re read it. oops.
Should we just stop all the pseudo planning if we can't even tell our families?
Things you hide, you do for a reason, this is not a good one. If you can't tell yor families then why should you be engaged? An engagement is a commitment that shouldn't be hidden. So the answer is stop the planning.
Should we let them know what we're doing so it doesn't seem like they're being left out of the loop?
This must me because I just ingest chocolate and really can't focus on reading your whole post. But hey if you guys are on your way to getting engaged then it would be nice to mention that your families that you guys are TALKING about going to the next level. Never mind I went back and read it over. No need to tell your family about your pseudo planning. Tell them of the venues and vendors once your engaged and officially planning.
No need to buy a stand in ring. Figure out your ring budget, save for ring and buy the ring when ready. Slightly confused is he getting an engagement ring as well?
Motolyn's House Remodel Blog Starting anew Nov. 2012.
I want to go back to Louisiana, please.
[QUOTE]Goodness, I know I'll probably get torn to bits for this, but ah, screw it. (Fair warning: I'm at Starbucks typing this with my second almost empty 20oz coffee next to me. If I jump around or just plain don't make any sense, blame it on the cccccaffiene! Also, it's long. Sorry bout that.) My boyfriend and I have been together for five wonderful years as of Feb. It's no secret to anyone who knows us that we will be getting married in the future, whenever that may be. His mother has even been introducing me to everyone as her future DIL since year two. Even his co workers and boss (all men) bug BOTH of us on a regular basis about when will we finally get married! We know we're going to, they know we're going to, it's only a matter of time. Everyone else seems more anxious than we do. We went ring shopping together last weekend. We each picked out both of our rings at only the thrid store. I'm going to a bridal show this weekend with my best friend, my boyfriend knows all about it and is all for it. He's talking about writing vows, cake, which church, and what time of the year he wants a wedding. I'm on here and he's on The Plunge. We are doing this pusdeo planning, but we aren't engaged yet. We talked about it, and he says we aren't technically engaged because he doesn't have the ring yet (he wants to save up and pay in cash so we don't have to finace and go into debt) and he hasn't said those beautiful four words, but<strong> for all intensive purposes</strong> we kind of are. I brought up the possibility of telling our parents about what we're currently doing (half ass planning a wedding, I guess?) cause our closest friends know and we kind of have a bridal party picked out already. He wants to wait to announce anything because he doesn't like the idea of us being engaged right now cause he wants to "do it the right way", such as asking my father and having a party to announce. He feels like an ass if I say "Oh, mommy and daddy, I'm getting married! But I don't have a ring yet. That'll come in a little while." I am totally sympathetic to his feelings, but I feel terrible! It's like we're sneaking around our families backs. I want both of our moms to be involved in what we're doing. It's like "let's go look at rings/churches/cakes/ but stay away from this side of town in case we run into them." I'm just as excited as he is to be doing all of this, but it's ovbiously premature if we can't tell our families. We are currently looking around for a "stand-in" ring until he can get the amazing wedding set we picked out for me. He hasn't told me if he'll propose with the stand in or not, cause he's trying to keep SOMETHING a surprise. So, to you laides I pose three questions: Should we just stop all the psudo planning if we can't even tell our families? Should we let them know what we're doing so it doesn't seem like they're being left out of the loop? Also, his ring is substantially cheaper than mine and I could afford it soon; would it be acceptable if I bought his ring even though he can't get mine yet? I don't want to make him feel bad about not being able to get mine just yet (every time we talk about those rings he gets sad cause it's going to be awhile till I get mine) but I'd rather just get it now and have that expense out of the way. And, of course, I'm too exticed to wait. Oui. Thanks for listening.
Posted by Annamolly164[/QUOTE]
Gah. Like nails on a chalkboard.
[QUOTE]In Response to We aren't engaged but we are planning a wedding?! : Gah. Like nails on a chalkboard.
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]
It bothers me alot, to.
<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" border="0" alt="Tongue out" title="Tongue out" />
[QUOTE]In Response to We aren't engaged but we are planning a wedding?! : Gah. Like nails on a chalkboard.
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]
Ahh I was going to say the same thing! Bugs the hell out of me!
[QUOTE]... So, to you laides I pose three questions: Should we just stop all the psudo planning if we can't even tell our families? [/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yes. It sounds to me like you aren't engaged. Knowing that you both want to marry each other isn't the same as being engaged. Being engaged means he asked you to be his wife, and you accepted. It doesn't matter if there is a ring or not. It's a fine line.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]Should we let them know what we're doing so it doesn't seem like they're being left out of the loop?[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>Once you are engaged, yes.</div><div>[QUOTE]Also, his ring is substantially cheaper than mine and I could afford it soon; would it be acceptable if I bought his ring even though he can't get mine yet? I don't want to make him feel bad about not being able to get mine just yet (every time we talk about those rings he gets sad cause it's going to be awhile till I get mine) but I'd rather just get it now and have that expense out of the way. And, of course, I'm too exticed to wait. Oui. Thanks for listening.</div><div>Posted by Annamolly164[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>Get his ring if you want, but you don't have to tell him about it.</div><div>
</div><div>Ok - it took me an hour to get back to this and finish it, so apologies if others have already answered these questions for you. Congratulations on finding the man you want to marry. Take a deep breath, enjoy your relationship every day for what it is, and stop planning until you both can agree that you are engaged. Tell your BF that you don't want to plan anything until it's official, whether that is when he gives you the ring or not. Have a great weekend!</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: moved the 'posted by' to it's rightful place!</div><div>
</div>
Still here and still fabulous!
[QUOTE]In Response to We aren't engaged but we are planning a wedding?! : Gah. Like nails on a chalkboard.
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]
<div>You make me laugh.</div>
Still here and still fabulous!
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: We aren't engaged but we are planning a wedding?! : It bothers me alot, to.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]
So. not. funny.
And yes OP- just slow it down. There's no need to start planning right now. So just chill out for a bit, wait for the engagement, enjoy this last little while of just dating, and then tell your parents and plan to your heart's content when you are engaged.
And read the post that SeaTea linked you to.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: We aren't engaged but we are planning a wedding?! : It bothers me <strong>alot</strong>, to.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]
That's just mean, Elle.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: We aren't engaged but we are planning a wedding?! : That's just mean, Elle.
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]
Psst- there's the "to", <strong>too</strong>.
[QUOTE]OMG you guyz r sooooo mean! <strong>Your</strong> a bunch of big, big meanies!!!!
Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]
I meant "Ur". ? />!?!!?!@>!?
[QUOTE]Am I the only one who would be super embarassed if people were constantly like "OMGEEEEZ when are you getting marrriiiiiiieeeed?!?"
Posted by caitlin.cave[/QUOTE]
I dated a guy for 8 years, and people asked all the time! It was annoying.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: We aren't engaged but we are planning a wedding?! : I dated a guy for 8 years, and people asked all the time! It was annoying.
Posted by Ember01[/QUOTE]
Yeah... I don't know, I feel like I would just blush and stutter and not know what to say.
Blog: A New Yorker in Duluth
Updated 8/8/11
[QUOTE]In Response to We aren't engaged but we are planning a wedding?! : Gah. Like nails on a chalkboard.
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]
I was going to say the same thing except more like this - <div>
</div><div>
</div><div>ALL <span style="text-decoration:underline;" class="Apple-style-span">INTENTS</span> AND <span style="text-decoration:underline;" class="Apple-style-span">PURPOSES</span>! Not intensive purposes. PICK UP A BOOK!</div>
Married Bio
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: We aren't engaged but we are planning a wedding?! : Yeah... I don't know, I feel like I would just blush and stutter and not know what to say.
Posted by caitlin.cave[/QUOTE]
My go to response was "When we are ready, we'll cross that bridge, and I promise, you will be one of the first to know."