Bridesmaid Trouble

danielledumond · May 2010

I have 5 maids including my MOH all very close friends. None of them have helped me plan anything for the big day. They are almost making it more stressful. for example. I asked for 4 months straight when would be a good time to get together to look at Bridesmaids dresses. & seem to get the run around. When 6 months before the wedding came around i finally set a date and said it was none negotiable. Two of my maids said i was being rude and disrespectful to them by saying it was non negotiable and not giving them any say. I also gave them 3 weeks notice on a great shoe sale! That would save them 75% off I asked them to put the money in my account before the sale was over & even sent out several reminder text's. The sale ended and only 2 maids ended up putting the money in. Even though they all agreed. Am I being to pushy or expecting to much from them? Should my Maids be stressing me out more then helping me?
Thanks Ladies!!

gottahavashorti · May 2010

[QUOTE]I have 5 maids including my MOH all very close friends. None of them have helped me plan anything for the big day. They are almost making it more stressful. for example. I asked for 4 months straight when would be a good time to get together to look at Bridesmaids dresses. & seem to get the run around. When 6 months before the wedding came around i finally set a date and said it was none negotiable. Two of my maids said i was being rude and disrespectful to them by saying it was non negotiable and not giving them any say. I also gave them 3 weeks notice on a great shoe sale! That would save them 75% off I asked them to put the money in my account before the sale was over & even sent out several reminder text's. The sale ended and only 2 maids ended up putting the money in. Even though they all agreed. Am I being to pushy or expecting to much from them? Should my Maids be stressing me out more then helping me? Thanks Ladies!!
Posted by danielledumond[/QUOTE]
They don't have to help you plan anything. Your FI does. It's okay to be disappointed that they're not interested, but don't expect anything of them.

Telling them about the shoe sale was inappropriate if it means you were requiring them to get certain shoes. In that sense it does sound like you're being a bit pushy.

Was the date to order dresses non-negotiable because it was the date you wanted, or because it was the last date to order the dresses? If it is the last date the store is able to order the dresses, that is reasonable. If some want to put in an order sooner, the others can order separately.

All BMs have to do is get the dress as long as they have approved the dress budget, so if they don't do that it's on them.

psichick · May 2010

you're being a bit over the top. you really expected your maids to put money into an account for a shoe sale? so what you can go buy their shoes for them that you're requiring with their money?

you have two choices for the dress really......1. pick it out and tell them what it is, where to get it, and when to order by (after consulting with them about budget of course). 2. tell them the color and length that you want and let them find it themselves. other than that you can't force grown adults to do anything.

and what you do expect them to plan for you for your "big day"? just because they're BM's doesn't make them wedding planners.

stina93446 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8f4ae0f7-9cc9-4f0c-a617-c74cfe5277a1Post:5d6d8c8a-6506-4fce-94d9-f9dead06d471">Bridesmaid Trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]I have 5 maids including my MOH all very close friends. None of them have helped me plan anything for the big day. They are almost making it more stressful. for example. I asked for 4 months straight when would be a good time to get together to look at Bridesmaids dresses. & seem to get the run around. When 6 months before the wedding came around i finally <strong>set a date and said it was none negotiable.</strong> Two of my maids said i was being rude and disrespectful to them by saying it was non negotiable and not giving them any say. I also gave them 3 weeks notice on a great shoe sale! <strong>That would save them </strong>75% off I asked them to put the money in my account before the sale was over & even sent out several reminder text's. The sale ended and only 2 maids ended up putting the money in. Even though they all agreed. Am I being to pushy or expecting to much from them? Should my Maids be stressing me out more then helping me? Thanks Ladies!!
Posted by danielledumond[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yes you are being too pushy. </div><div>
</div><div>First off, no one, including bms are required to help you plan. The only person who's required to help is your FI. You can definitely ask them to help, but you cannot expect them.</div><div>
</div><div>Secondly, why do you need ALL of them to go on one date? Why not pick a couple dresses, or pick a couple dates that you can attend to accomodate more girls. Yes, you were being slightly rude by telling your girls that it was non negotiable. If someone told me this and they weren't my boss, I'd brush them off.</div><div>
</div><div>Lastly, if they didn't get the shoes, they didn't get the shoes and they don't get the discount. It's on them, not you. You should not even be concerning yourself with this. It's THEIR attire, not yours. you have enough to worry about. </div><div>
</div><div>Also, a lot of girls on this board (myself included) believe that brides should not pick the bms shoes because shoes are very specific and each person has different feet unless you're going to pay for them. So you may want to be a little more lax and just give them all a color. Just think about this: imagine the last wedding you attended.....got it in your head? What shoes did the bms wear? Most of the time, you can't remember or you don't care. I strongly urge you to let this issue (aside from your pushiness) go. It's not worth getting worked up over.

</div>

MyNameIsNot · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8f4ae0f7-9cc9-4f0c-a617-c74cfe5277a1Post:5d6d8c8a-6506-4fce-94d9-f9dead06d471">Bridesmaid Trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]I have 5 maids including my MOH all very close friends. None of them have helped me plan anything for the big day. They are almost making it more stressful. for example. I asked for 4 months straight when would be a good time to get together to look at Bridesmaids dresses. & seem to get the run around. When 6 months before the wedding came around i finally set a date and said it was none negotiable. Two of my maids said i was being rude and disrespectful to them by saying it was non negotiable and not giving them any say. I also gave them 3 weeks notice on a great shoe sale! That would save them 75% off I asked them to put the money in my account before the sale was over & even sent out several reminder text's. The sale ended and only 2 maids ended up putting the money in. Even though they all agreed. Am I being to pushy or expecting to much from them? Should my Maids be stressing me out more then helping me? Thanks Ladies!!
Posted by danielledumond[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You seem to be confused about their role. It isn't their job to help you plan anything. This is your wedding, it's for you and your FI to plan. Not them.</div><div>
</div><div>On the dresses, setting a non-negotiable shopping date 6 months out is ridiculous. You should have at least given them options on dates. A much better option is to pick a color, length and designer, and let them get their own dresses on their own time.</div><div>
</div><div>On the shoes, if you specify shoes and accessories, you pay, so I can't understand why you would be asking them to put money in an account.</div><div>
</div><div>This whole thing seems really ridiculous. You seem to be being really demanding, and I don't understand why. You are treating them like bad children, when they aren't doing anything wrong.

</div>

saxy414 · May 2010

The only non-negotiable date to get the dresses is the absolute last day the store can order them to have them in before the wedding. If not everyone can be there the day you go shopping, just tell the other girls that you will take pictures (or find pics online if pictures aren't allowed in store) of the dresses you and your girls like and put it up to a vote. Or, you could just tell your BMs a color and a designer, and let them get their own--lots of bridal parties do this, and look awesome with all the girls in different but similar dresses.

It's also probably easiest to just tell them a color and let them get their own shoes. I'm sure you thought you were making every one's life a little easier by taking care of it for them, but they'd probably be much happier if they could wear their own shoes that they know they are comfortable in. Lots of people are very picky about what they put on their feet, especially if they're wearing them all day and standing through pictures and the ceremony.

aerinpegadrak · May 2010

My wedding was eight days ago. I couldn't tell you what shoes half of my girls wore. I could check the photos, but you can't see them clearly enough to tell more than "black". Also, my MOH and one of the BMs didn't get their dresses until two months before the wedding. Another BM brought along two options and decided on which as we were getting dressed.

Methinks you might be a tad tightly wound.

jagore08 · May 2010

Please listen to these ladies. They are giving you good advice.

banana468 · May 2010

PPs are correct.

And any time you say, "non-negotiable" as a mandate to your BMs, you have to expect that the statement and attitude will irritate people.

duckie1905 · May 2010

Honestly, if a bride asked me to put money in her account so she could get discounted shoes she was requiring me to wear for her wedding, I'd tell her where to shove it.

1. If you want them wearing certain shoes YOU need to pay them.
2. They aren't required to help you plan anything so stop expecting them to.
3. Using the words "non-negotiable" is bound to piss people off. You aren't their dictator or their parents. I'm sure they'll get their dresses and if they don't then they've removed themselves from the wedding.
4. By not giving them any say you were being disrespectful and rude. They have to buy this dress and it is only right that they get to make some of the decisions. I understand the store's ordering deadline but it isn't up to you to set your own and force it on them.

You are acting over the top. From what I can tell they have done nothing wrong. It is your attitude and actions that need a check. I'd apologize for overreacting and hope everyone can move on.

angela72023 · May 2010

I agree with PP's, but understand how you would like your BM's to be more involved. I am very lucky in that mine asked to be as involved as I will let them in the planning, etc...and have been so great about it all!
That being said, I picked two colors (black and silver) the store (DB, one is OOS, so that was easiest) and asked them to find a full length dress they liked with spaghetti straps. They ended up picking the exact same ones, so it will be awesome! I also told them to pick their own shoes and I am buying their jewelry.
Lighten up and you will enjoy your wedding so much more than if you stress about this stuff...Hopefully your FI is involved...if not, maybe a close family member would like to be your planning pal, GL!

emilyinchile · May 2010

Lurk here for a while before you get in touch with your BMs again. I think it'll help you get your expectations in check and will hopefully prevent you from ruining your friendship with these girls over discounted shoes.

gottahavashorti · May 2010

The shoes still can't be required due to comfort issues. What if they were painful for the other 2 BMs? Guidelines are fine so that they all have the same general feel (black strappy sandals), but not telling them which shoes they will be purchasing.

suz62984 · May 2010

I don't even have the energy to deal with your absurdness. Listen to the other ladies and please lighten up on your poor bridesmaids.

duckie1905 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:8f4ae0f7-9cc9-4f0c-a617-c74cfe5277a1Post:a0a81f4e-c046-47cd-94f2-96896b804550">Re: Bridesmaid Trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't even have the energy to deal with your absurdness. Listen to the other ladies and please lighten up on your poor bridesmaids.
Posted by suz62984[/QUOTE]

ditto, big time. Give them a break, please.

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