Opinions please.

Mariemoosh · July 2010

Yes opinions. I do honestly welcome them. Especially from uppitty..well you know. ha

So I guess this is more of a question than opinion. But would like some input on my situation.

Has anyone truly had there "first time" (yes first time) on there wedding night with there husbands?

If to personal please dont answer.

Honestly though I have been dating BF 6 years almost 7, and of course marriage has been talked about numerous times. Being that we did not want to be poor and living in an apartment marriage has been always in the future. I have my rules obviously no moving in before marriage and no sex. Well its been a long time, sometimes I feel guilty.

I am torn between sticking to my guns, or just moving in and start living our lives together. Mind you it would not be until next summer because I will be done with school stuff, and the house we are remodeling will be done.

Opinions, suggestions, Thanks.

jelique7 · July 2010

I don't see why people want to wait to have sex. Sex is important in a relationship and can sometimes ruin it, it seems like you guys have a good solid long-term relationship so I don't see why you wouldn't make that jump but that's just me. But its up to you. You know what is right for your relationship and what is right for you. No one call tell you what to do.

katanne9 · July 2010

Haha, someone did their lurking.

My FI and I will both have our "first time" on our wedding night. We have been together for 4 years, and I truly understand how difficult it is.

You need to decide what is right for you. I truly believe that unless you have made this decision 100% it's nearly impossible to keep. I, personally, would encourage you to continue pushing on if this is something you truly believe in. Only you can decide what you truly want to do.

What does your BF think? He is the key important factor in this decision if it's something you choose to do.

If you want to talk to someone in depth about this, you can always PM me. I know EXACTLY how you feel. : )

heyimbren · July 2010

I really am trying to wait. I'll be honest, at times I do find it difficult but it's something that really matters to my BF and I. so yes, I'm waiting. I really do believe it's a personal decision, between you and your SO (generally speaking, not necessarily Mariemoosh).

jgcohn · July 2010

I think this is a very personal topic that you can't really have other people determine for you. Each couple does things differently. I am currently living with my BF and we did not wait to the wedding night to have sex. That is just what worked for us.

There are women on this board that have waited/are waiting for their wedding night. I have friends doing the same. That goes along with their beliefs and how they were raised. I definitely respect those who decide to do things this way.

I have one friend who said she would never sleep with someone until they were married. She dated someone for over three years and during their relationship she decided to sleep with him because they were very serious and talked about marriage and all that jazz. He later broke up with her and she felt like she made a huge mistake. I'm not saying this will happen to you...it's just a story from my friend.

I really think that it is a very personal decision for you and your SO to figure out. If you decide to go through with it, make sure it is what you really want to do so you don't have any regrets later on down the line

jeanacorina · July 2010

Ugh, I am trying to PM you, Marie, but it's not working. I'll try again tomorrow. Or, you can PM me and I'll respond.

PaigeMcC · July 2010

First let me say that I am so impressed with anyone that makes the decision, with their BF/FI, to wait. I think it's very honorable that you're sticking to your guns and doing something you believe in.

It's really a very personal decision on if you want to wait or not. I would sit down and have a conversation with your BF. How does he feel about it?

bethsmiles · July 2010

BF and I are waiting until our wedding night. Its part of our personal beliefs. Its important to both of us and we both know we would regret it if we jumped the gun. It is really hard sometimes and I'll admit that sometimes I wish would would just do it already. But if that is a commitment you made to yourself then I think its important that you think really hard about it before you make the decision. Of course talk with your BF and see what he thinks but this is such a personal decision. You won't want to do anything you will regret.

I've heard the argument that sex is important in a relationship but its not like BF and I don't do anything at all. I think we would know if we weren't sexually compatible. And besides a lot of that is willingness to be open and honest with your partner about what you like or don't like.

Anyways what I'm attempting to say is that this is a very personal decision that only you can make. But don't give up on sticking to your guns just because its hard, you don't want to do something you will regret. Just make sure you take the time to think about it before you make any decisions.

oceana919 · July 2010

First of all, major kudos to those ladies who saved their "first time" for their wedding night. I'm not one of those ladies, but I have the utmost respect for those that are.

While I don't think it's 100% necessary to have sex prior to marriage, I honestly believe one of the best things you can do for your relationship is to live together prior to marriage. It gives you a chance to move past the romantic "honeymoon" phase and truly assess whether or not you are capable of living together. You'll see the good, the bad, and the ugly of your partner when you live together, and that can be a deal breaker for some couples.

When my FI and I moved in together, I learned what habits of his I love and habits I can't stand. I learned what I could learn to live with (his horrible taste in movies) and what I couldn't. He learned all the same things about me. We found that there were things we would have to learn to compromise on. For example, my FI is a guy, and I'm a neatfreak - I've learned to be a more relaxed about the orderliness of the house, and he's learned to do basic upkeep everyday to keep the house in working order. We've also learned that there are things that we will give in to to make the other person happy. For example, FI has always owned a firearm for home protection and is an educated gun owner. I, however, am terrified of guns after having been involved in a nightclub holdup. For that reason, FI does not own any firearms - he promised me that we wouldn't own one, because of how I felt about them.

Sure, you can learn some of these things by being in a relationship for an extended period of time, but there are things that I feel you only truly learn about your partner by living together.

BTW, it is possible to live together and still be living according to your personal beliefs/faith. It will take a lot of self-discipline and strength and patience, but it's doable.

Narwhal · July 2010

I think that it something that you should do with a mature conversation and not because you feel guilty for having it be so long.

BF and I did not wait. However we are each other's firsts. But we talked about it and all the benefits and risks and decided what would be best for us. We take our sex life very seriously and make sure that we're going into each endeavor with the right heart of the situation. I don't particularly like it when people say that they really commend people for waiting because it puts it in the connotation that the people that do not wait until the wedding night are weaker and I don't think that's true. I don't think that it's good for people to wait just because they don't want people to get the wrong impression of them (if you're letting other people define you're relationship, you probably aren't in the right maturity position for sex to be an option the first place) and I don't think that it's right when someone has sex because it's the easy thing to do, etc. But I think that it should be commendable for people to stand by their beliefs of their sex life, regardless of the decision they choose to make.

tafft1 · July 2010

Just to start I too have the utmost respect for those ladies here and elsewhere that do wait until their wedding night and believe that it truly takes a special person and people to stick to their guns through things.

Now for me - I couldn't do such a thing. I am far too much of a sexual person to do such. FI is the same way , it;s just a part of who we are. With that said it is a VERY personal choice. No one can tell you what is the right thing to do. Only you can decide that. What is right for one person can never be the same for you - Don;t sacrifice what you feel , believe , etc out of fear. IF things went badly afterwards I worry that you would really blame it all on that , when it could be a number of things.

I don't think waiting or not waiting has an actual impact on the relationship unless that is all it is based around in the first place. I have gone both routes , waiting and jumping right in , and in both situations it took time to adapt to the person's indivudal needs , desires and what not.

You never really "know" someone until you live with them. Now this isn't to say that if you wait that your relationship will instantly be harder or easier , definitely not. But living day in day out , throgh good times , mood swings , real life situations , stress , job changes , etc really do change how we interact with one another. I too believe that you can live together without giving in to the temptations but that is individualistic as well and no one here can decide these things for you. You just have to decide what is most important to you.

zipis1 · July 2010

I have seen all sides of this and as the PPs have said, it's really up to you.

I had a friend that intended to wait til marriage with her partner who was literally amazing in every way, didn't make it (so she had sex with him), and learned that while he was the most attentive, caring, communicative man outside the bedroom, he was selfish as could be in the sack and would not take direction at all. He also had a low sex drive compared to her, and hers just went up once she started having sex. This eventually ate at the rest of their relationship until it ultimately crumbled. She had sex with her now husband early on and they're very happily married (and very sexually compatible).

I've also had the friend who did wait til her wedding night and her husband was so overeager he seriously hurt her (she felt raped and cried the whole time. It was awful and I still want to punch him).

However, I've had friends who waited and are very happy with their decision, and very compatible. I've had friends who didn't wait and can boast the same.

Me? I am asexual and BF and I will never have sex, ever, married or not (he's aware and while he doesn't wear the title, is essentially asexual as well).

You have to do what's right for you. Look inside yourself and ask, "If I were to have premarital sex, and BF broke up with me in a week, month, year, or ten years, would I regret it?" If the answer is yes, don't do it. If the answer is no, ask yourself if you're sure and then follow your heart.

Best of luck to you.

joiner521 · July 2010

Nobody really waits til marriage, lol. By living together, you know each others true cololrs and really see how the other operates on a daily basis. I did it and do not regret it. My fiance loves me even more. Some women put up a front about how they are til they get a ring on their finger. He sees me in curlers in the morning, just waking up, no make up and he still loves. I WILL NOT LOOK FRUMPY AROUND THE HOUSE THOUGH. Some women just let themselves go. It is easier to ease into the marriage thing. Be realistic, you are gonna accidentally fart, burp and poop when he is home. Get that out of the way. LMAO!

dwest2201 · July 2010

I did not wait til marriage, but sometimes I wish I had. I have an immense about of respect for anyone who chooses it do so. If it is something that is important to youstick to your guns so that you never look back and say man I wish I wouldn't have.

My advice is talk to Kat!

PaigeMcC · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_opinions-please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3574c05c-b20a-4d04-96a7-9dd1f13b5531Post:ce37b9ae-6f1d-4506-8e2c-f48c6f3efe9e">Re: Opinions please.</a>:
[QUOTE]We take our sex life very seriously
Posted by Narwhal[/QUOTE]

<div>These 7 little words gave me the first giggle of the morning.</div><div>
</div><div>I also take my sex life very seriously.</div><div>
</div><div>mRow</div>

oceana919 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_opinions-please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3574c05c-b20a-4d04-96a7-9dd1f13b5531Post:f8088342-3ee6-4c5c-b0cc-e506ed96c815">Re: Opinions please.</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Nobody really waits til marriage, lol</strong>. By living together, you know each others true cololrs and really see how the other operates on a daily basis. I did it and do not regret it. My fiance loves me even more. Some women put up a front about how they are til they get a ring on their finger. He sees me in curlers in the morning, just waking up, no make up and he still loves. I WILL NOT LOOK FRUMPY AROUND THE HOUSE THOUGH. Some women just let themselves go. It is easier to ease into the marriage thing. Be realistic, you are gonna accidentally fart, burp and poop when he is home. Get that out of the way. LMAO!
Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]

Um, they don't? Perhaps you should let Kat and Beth know that, because I'm pretty sure they said they were waiting a few posts back.

ie. Don't think you can speak for everyone. You can't.

jeanacorina · July 2010

Umm, well, crazy person 521, I lived with my husband for over 3 years before our wedding without having sex with him. We made a commitment and we both respected it. Slept in the same bed, woke up with each other in the morning, kissed and cuddled and everything else.

To me, living together and having sex are not synonymous, even though many people assumed since we lived together we must be having sex.

It took a lot of willpower, but it can be done. I've heard of a few other couples who have managed to live together without sex as well.

loves2shop4shoes · July 2010

Jeana- my jaw hit the floor after reading your post. That must have taken some SERIOUS willpower. Good for you, though, for really sticking to your beliefs. That's amazing.

As for me, I suppose I will assume the role of the slut of the board. I lost my virginity when I was 15 and have since had several sexual partners. Although I regret most of them, I do not regret sleeping with my ex-BF or my current BF; they were serious relationships and sex has allowed me to figure out my own sexuality: what I like, what I don't. You may know what type of foreplay you like and how you like it, but sex itself is a different can of worms.

It's also a HUGE eye-opener about a side of your SO that you wouldn't see otherwise. I've known women who have had great relationships until they've slept with their SO's because their SO's were either sexually incompatible or REALLY selfish in the sack. There are other issues that can also arise from having sex. Perhaps you have BV and never knew it, perhaps he consistently doesn't last, etc.

All of that being said, sex is something that is extremely personal. If it is important to you, then you should absolutely continue to wait. Don't be pressured into doing it. I ended up seriously regretting every sexual experience I had that resulted from my feeling pressured to do it. Talk to your BF about how you feel and see what he thinks. Make the decision together based upon your beliefs. You should only do it if you BOTH feel 100% POSITIVE that you want to.

Good luck!

Goff2010 · July 2010

Huh... nobody's a pretty strong generalization. I am waiting til my wedding night. And, yep, it'll be my first. I'm really excited. One of the reasons we waited is because it is part of our religious beliefs. Another reason, I wanted to get to know who I was dating without being distracted by how great in bed they were.

Narwhal · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_opinions-please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3574c05c-b20a-4d04-96a7-9dd1f13b5531Post:86f423f0-3787-4b95-93fe-0e0c96cda172">Re: Opinions please.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinions please. : These 7 little words gave me the first giggle of the morning. I also take my sex life very seriously. mRow
Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]

teehee.

we do though.

Mariemoosh · July 2010

Wow. Thanks Everbody for there opinions. Really thoughtful advice. Of course I know its my decision, and I will stick to it. Also, lets be honest, I am not a robot, and we do keep each other happy in other ways.

Anyway, my only qualm was that I feel like...life's too short. Thats my only thing.
But a plus is taking away the stress of the What if? Baby? Because I am not ready for that. Don't get me wrong kids love me, I love them, but I also love that they go home to my sisters house at the end of the day. haha.

I am so glad to hear that there are many out there in a semi-similar situation, because I dont really have people I feel freely talking to about this subject.

shihtzulover1 · July 2010

I did not wait until marriage. I know that it is important to some people, but I had a really bad experience with a guy who was waiting for marriage.

It was a few years ago, and I was naive. We talked about our sexual pasts, and he was a virgin (although he had done some stuff that I would consider to make him borderline non-virgin).

He knew that I had one partner in the past, yet he continued to date me. Over time though, he made me feel bad about not being a virgin, telling me that some people would consider me to be a slut, etc.

He also ALWAYS wanted to fool around. As long as no insertion was involved, he considered himself to be good and pure. Since I wasn't a virgin, he just assumed that I always wanted to do stuff with him.

The worst was after we broke up. I still liked him, and wanted it to work,. He would grope me "as a joke" and even though it upset me, he acted like it was no big deal, and like I was overreacting - since he was "just playing".

One day, we went to a movie together and went to a store afterwards (I had to pick up a hair product or something, and wasn't familiar with the town, so he showed me how to get there). Afterwards, when I went to drop him off at his car, he was all over me. I kept saying no but I was giggling, because I was nervous. I feel that he should have stopped because no means no, no matter how it is said -but he kept grabbing at me and trying to put my hand down his pants.

To this day, it angers me so much. Also, when my boyfriend goes to do certain things to me, it makes me feel gross. It is not his fault, and he always stops when I tell him, even though I feel weird because what he does is supposed to make me feel good, not bad.

I blame myself a bit for not being more firm with that jerk, and for going along with fooling around with him in hopes that it would make him like me.

Instead, he sees me as someone he could play around with and take advantage of, and all of his friends (virgins too, since a lot of the people here are very religious) still think that I am the huge slut and that he is so innocent and pure. His parents were convinced that I was a bad influence and that I was corrupting their wonderful son.

Sorry for this rant, and I know that some people mean well when they want to wait. If you do, that's a great decision for you. I know that many men (and women) who want to remain virgins until marriage are sincere and actually fulfill the pledge, but it just seems that so many have a dark side that no one sees.

Good luck!

Mariemoosh · July 2010

Shitzulover- Yeah thats pretty intense. Sorry you had to deal with that. I understand what you are saying. Also to say that BF is not a virgin, but that didnt matter to me. It also makes me feel good to know that he loves me that much to wait.

ekathleen684 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_opinions-please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3574c05c-b20a-4d04-96a7-9dd1f13b5531Post:e16cb621-0d74-4f29-8e9c-420aa84370a4">Re: Opinions please.</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. Thanks Everbody for there opinions. Really thoughtful advice. Of course I know its my decision, and I will stick to it. Also, lets be honest, I am not a robot, and we do keep each other happy in other ways. Anyway, my only qualm was that I feel like...life's too short. Thats my only thing. But a plus is taking away the stress of the What if? Baby? Because I am not ready for that. <strong>Don't get me wrong kids love me, I love them, but I also love that they go home to my sisters house at the end of the day. haha. </strong>I am so glad to hear that there are many out there in a semi-similar situation, because I dont really have people I feel freely talking to about this subject.
Posted by Mariemoosh[/QUOTE]

This made me giggle since I completely agree, LOL. Everyone made some really good points and I don't really have anything to add that hasn't already been said by everyone. Think it through and do whatever YOU feel is right. GL

Mariemoosh · July 2010

FYI people my newbie info is under Eclair10 Idk what happened to my screen name it changed.

**Mutley** · July 2010

And count this as another win for NEY. Look at you uppity bitches giving good advice.
Almost makes me want to nicer. Almost...

Marie, good luck in whatever you chose.

Mariemoosh · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_opinions-please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3574c05c-b20a-4d04-96a7-9dd1f13b5531Post:f520e738-ddfa-4196-9e58-1b01da6ff7bc">Re: Opinions please.</a>:
[QUOTE]And count this as another win for NEY. Look at you uppity bitches giving good advice. Almost makes me want to nicer. Almost... Marie, good luck in whatever you chose.
Posted by **Mutley**[/QUOTE]

Yes Mutley responded to my post! lol Total lurker here. Your like celebrity status round' this board.

**Mutley** · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_opinions-please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3574c05c-b20a-4d04-96a7-9dd1f13b5531Post:7070d395-1de6-4647-ab15-8f071b20ba88">Re: Opinions please.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinions please. : Yes Mutley responded to my post! lol Total lurker here. Your like celebrity status round' this board.
Posted by Mariemoosh[/QUOTE]

So basically, you <a href="#" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '237d92f1-cdf8-4d4f-84a2-00ef34cceccf', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/3/4/237d92f1-cdf8-4d4f-84a2-00ef34cceccf.medium.gif" alt="" /></a> me and would vote for me for President? Good to know.

P.S. Your should be you're. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />
<a href="#" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '237d92f1-cdf8-4d4f-84a2-00ef34cceccf', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));"> </a>

Mariemoosh · July 2010

I is smarticle, I swear. Kinda. ha.

PaigeMcC · July 2010

MUTLEY FOR PRESIDENT

...Although as a Canadian I can't vote in your election. Sorry.

[Deleted User] · July 2010

I appluad your determination to wait until marriage. That was my goal at one point and time... and hoenstly could have happened bc my BF and I were both virgins until the age of 21, when we lost it to each other on our 3 year anniversary. He is the man I am going to marry and plan to spend the rest of my life with. We aren't officially engaged but we have agreed to get married next year and are just saving money for a ring and such.

Ultimately though, it is your decision on whether you choose to move in with him and if you can handle the temptation. It also depends on whether you can "live with yourself" should you stray away from your hope of staying celibate until marriage.

Opinions please.

Re: Opinions please.

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