Wedding Etiquette Forum

Not Invited To Wedding But Husband & Daughter Are

Hi!  My brother-in-law is getting married in August.  My MIL and I do not get along.  She just addressed the wedding invitations and low and behold, ours came addressed to my husband and 4 year old daughter - NOT me.  I think this is incredibly tacky.  I have no beef with the couple getting married, and as far as I can tell, they have no beef with me.  I don't want to make my husband miss his only brother's wedding, and my daughter is actually in the wedding, but I feel like my husband should either politely decline (which he has offered to do) or the couple should intervene or SOMETHING should happen here.  What is the correct way to approach this situation from an etiquette standpoint?  

Re: Not Invited To Wedding But Husband & Daughter Are

  • If it were me, I'd want my husband to call his brother and ask what happened. He needs to reiterate that you are a family unit and that if you aren't invited, neither he nor your daughter will attend. If your MIL addressed the invitations, then he needs to have a talk with her, too. I don't think this is an 'etiquette' question, it's a boundaries question.
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  • Why is your MIL sending out the invitations to someone else's wedding?  That seems wierd to me.

    That aside, if someone is going to speak up about this it needs to be your husband since it's his family.  What does your husband think about the whole situation?

    And you're right, it's not okay to leave a spouse off of a wedding invitation. Your MIL was WAY out of line. No matter what her beef is with you she doesn't have the right to do what she did. It's not her wedding and it's rude to seperate a social unit
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  • I'd bet money the bride and groom have NO IDEA your MIL did this. I'd have your H talk to his brother and/or the bride about it. 

    (And I hope this isn't a reading fail on my part; it seems to me your MIL addressed the envelope, right?)
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  • edited July 2012
    Has your H called his brother to find out what's going on? Honestly, if H's brother was like, "Yeah, we don't want her at our wedding," my H would say, "OK well then I'm not coming either."

    That was horrendously rude, and it sounds like your MIL had some doing in this if there is no beef with you and BIL. I would have H talk to his brother, but if he has volunteered to not go if you're not invited, then I would say take him up on that offer.

    ETA: I agree that BIL may have no idea how the invitation was handled. Hopefully once he realizes it, he will say that you are most definitely invited as well.


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  • edited July 2012
    That's awful and really hurtful.  My first reaction would be to flip, but it seems like they are looking for a fight here.  I would not say a single word about it.  Just send your husband and daugther, as the invitation was addressed.  This might be one of those occassions where you will really rise to the top by being the bigger person.  I might have H casually mention it to his brother if the opportunity presented itself. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-to-wedding-but-husband-daughter-are?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d8f6c80e-2a36-45b6-b095-2cc7055267aaPost:8db05ef9-c695-4dde-bf59-a933fec6ae01">Re: Not Invited To Wedding But Husband & Daughter Are</a>:
    [QUOTE]If it were me, I'd want my husband to call his brother and ask what happened. He needs to reiterate that you are a family unit and that if you aren't invited, neither he nor your daughter will attend. If your MIL addressed the invitations, then he needs to have a talk with her, too. I don't think this is an 'etiquette' question, it's a boundaries question.
    Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

    All this.  I'm going to hope your BIL had nothing to do with it and apologizes profusely, so then your H will only have a bone to pick with his mother (since it sounds like there's already some ill will there)
  • Your H needs to have a stern talk with both his mother and his brother. I don't think your daughter should be in this wedding ifyou aren't invited.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-to-wedding-but-husband-daughter-are?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d8f6c80e-2a36-45b6-b095-2cc7055267aaPost:0f4bae57-0ddc-491e-8161-02bedd89448c">Re: Not Invited To Wedding But Husband & Daughter Are</a>:
    [QUOTE]That's awful and really hurtful.  My first reaction would be to flip, but it seems like they are looking for a fight here.  I would not say a single word about it.  Just send your husband and daugther, as the invitation was addressed.  This might be one of those occassions where you will really rise to the top by being the bigger person.  I might have H casually mention it to his brother if the opportunity presented itself. 
    Posted by mlperkins12[/QUOTE]

    <div>I could not disagree more with this.  They are a married couple and a family unit.  They are invited as such or they don't go.  This is definitely a hill for DH to die on - how much more blatant can you get for a disrespectful slap in the face.  If they ignore this, OP's MIL will only get worse as time goes on.  </div><div>
    </div><div>I'm also in the camp of betting the couple has no idea MIL did this.  They need to be notified asap.  Oh to be a fly on the wall when OP's BIL asks his mom WTF she was thinking.  Now..if the couple does know about this that is a whole other story and for sure OP's husband and child should not attend.</div><div>
    </div><div>I'm still thinking MIL is at the heart of this matter and I will be anxiously awaiting an update on this one!</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-to-wedding-but-husband-daughter-are?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d8f6c80e-2a36-45b6-b095-2cc7055267aaPost:1bfdcd5f-7460-4355-8901-f664f2c07477">Re: Not Invited To Wedding But Husband & Daughter Are</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Why is your MIL sending out the invitations to someone else's wedding?</strong>  That seems wierd to me. That aside, if someone is going to speak up about this it needs to be your husband since it's his family.  What does your husband think about the whole situation? And you're right, it's not okay to leave a spouse off of a wedding invitation. Your MIL was WAY out of line. No matter what her beef is with you she doesn't have the right to do what she did. It's not her wedding and it's rude to seperate a social unit
    Posted by ElleB87[/QUOTE]

    Because maybe she is hosting her son's wedding.

    Your husband needs to speak with his mother and brother pronto.  It may even be that his brother did not know about this occuring, especially if his mother took the guest list and addressed the invites herself.

    It is very nice that your husband has offered to decline the invite since you were not included, it shows that he has your back and is willing to miss his only brother's wedding in support of you.  But like you, I wouldn't want him to decline and miss the wedding.

  • willywally5willywally5 member
    First Comment
    edited July 2012
    Once your H speaks to his brother, you will know. 

    If Monster-In-Law did this without their knowledge, the brother needs to have a little come-to-Jesus meeting with momma to let her know just because SHE doesn't like you doesn't mean he and his bride have to cater to her nastiness. 

    If H's brother DID know this was going to happen and allowed or worse, condoned it, then he's a spineless tool and none of you should attend. I really don't think this is the case, however. For some reason, I get the vibe lunatic MIL just saw this as an opportunity to jab at you and stir up drama. 

    ETA: I don't care if she is paying for the wedding or not. Having a hefty checkbook doesn't give you license to be horrible to your family.

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  • How does your H feel about this?  I know if my mom invited me and not my husband to my sibling's wedding, I'd be furious with her.  There is no way I'd accept such blatant disrespect to myself and my spouse.

    However, from the sound of it, it seems very likely that your BIL and his fiance didn't know that MIL didn't include you, so I'd have your H call his brother first to calmly clarify the situation, and then have a stern talk to his mom about boundaries and respect.
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  • edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-to-wedding-but-husband-daughter-are?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d8f6c80e-2a36-45b6-b095-2cc7055267aaPost:0f4bae57-0ddc-491e-8161-02bedd89448c">Re: Not Invited To Wedding But Husband & Daughter Are</a>:
    [QUOTE]That's awful and really hurtful.  My first reaction would be to flip, but it seems like they are looking for a fight here.  I would not say a single word about it.  Just send your husband and daugther, as the invitation was addressed.  This might be one of those occassions where you will really rise to the top by being the bigger person.  I might have H casually mention it to his brother if the opportunity presented itself. 
    Posted by mlperkins12[/QUOTE]

    I think in this case traditional etiquette (to not question the guest list and just politely decline if you don't agree with who is invited) is trumped by family relationships. OP skipping the wedding and not saying a word will reassure the MIL that ignoring and excluding OP is ok and will be accepted. If it's confirmed that this was an intentional slight on the part of the couple (and not just the MIL being a pill), I'd be declining and pulling the daughter's attendance, and telling them exactly why. It's one thing to keep quiet for the sake of getting along with family, but it's quite another to just roll over and take being treated badly and disrespected.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-to-wedding-but-husband-daughter-are?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d8f6c80e-2a36-45b6-b095-2cc7055267aaPost:0f4bae57-0ddc-491e-8161-02bedd89448c">Re: Not Invited To Wedding But Husband & Daughter Are</a>:
    [QUOTE]That's awful and really hurtful.  My first reaction would be to flip, but it seems like they are looking for a fight here.  I would not say a single word about it.  Just send your husband and daugther, as the invitation was addressed.  This might be one of those occassions where you will really rise to the top by being the bigger person.  I might have H casually mention it to his brother if the opportunity presented itself. 
    Posted by mlperkins12[/QUOTE]

    <div>I disagree that she should send the husband and daughter.  Yes, they are looking for a fight, but there are OTHER ways to rise to the occasion and be a bigger person than to allow that sort of behavior.  I think the husband should call the BIL and ask if there was some sort of error in addressing the invitations to only him and the daughter.  If he say s"Yes, there was" then the issue is now the BIL's to handle as the MIL is meddling in his wedding.  If the answer is "No, not an issue".  Then the only necessary response is to RSVP no and send a lovely card and gift to the couple.</div>
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  • I am appalled by that.  That is completely rude of your MIL.

    I do agree w/ PP.  Your DH needs to have a talke with his brother and FI ASAP and find out.  If they have no clue, then DH and BIL need to have a talk w/ MIL ASAP.  There is absolutley no reason for her not to have addressed your name on the invite.  If my ILs did that to me, my DH would chew them out a new ahole.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-to-wedding-but-husband-daughter-are?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d8f6c80e-2a36-45b6-b095-2cc7055267aaPost:8acc6ea9-307a-47d0-9415-652a7f4a00f6">Re: Not Invited To Wedding But Husband & Daughter Are</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would avoid threats like pulling the daughter out of the wedding. Have H talk to his brother. If it was an oversight, no worries. If it was a slight, let H decide if he wants to attend alone and the two of you can decide if you still want DD in the wedding. Don't blackmail them into doing the right thing.
    Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]
    IMO I don't think it should be considered blackmail in the unlikely instance that they feel the need to take their daughter out of the wedding.  I wouldn't want any of us to go at all either way if they felt forced to change their mind.  But to let her stay a part of it would be to show tacit approval for being completely disrespected as a family unit.  The family needs to be united in their disapproval of this treatment to send a clear message based on principle that it will not be tolerated.  And I'm sure that if the daughter was old enough to understand she would not want to be involved in a wedding where her mom was intentionally snubbed.  But I doubt the H's brother knows anyway and it was probably just a sneaky, petty ploy by the MIL.
  • aragx6aragx6 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    If it turns out that you're truly not invited, I don't think your husband and daughter should attend -- no matter how much you don't want him to miss his brother's wedding. This would set a terrible precedent for the future and undermine your relationship.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-to-wedding-but-husband-daughter-are?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d8f6c80e-2a36-45b6-b095-2cc7055267aaPost:01f15857-e6b8-4281-bc44-b29aba56c35f">Re: Not Invited To Wedding But Husband & Daughter Are</a>:
    [QUOTE]If it turns out that you're truly not invited, I don't think your husband and daughter should attend -- no matter how much you don't want him to miss his brother's wedding. This would set a terrible precedent for the future and undermine your relationship.
    Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

    I agree. I'm guessing your BIL has no clue this happened though.
  • TOTALLY want to know how this pans out! OP, will you let us know?
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  • egm900egm900 member
    First Comment
    I agree with PP about your husband checking with his brother.  If it was not an error (meaning BIL had you on the guest list), then I would also pull daughter from being in the wedding.  If you and your husband are not there, there is not reason for her to be there either.  Among other reasons, will she be adequately supervised?  Even though the mother of the groom isn't as involved usually as the mother of the bride, she will still have things to do that might make it difficult to watch a 4 year old.  I also wouldn't want her to interact with my child if I thought there was any chance of her saying bad things in front of the child.  I know a family where that happens, and the kid is really messed up by it.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-to-wedding-but-husband-daughter-are?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d8f6c80e-2a36-45b6-b095-2cc7055267aaPost:4b7b7f6b-5642-4a49-9652-c74994ebe6b7">Re: Not Invited To Wedding But Husband & Daughter Are</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not Invited To Wedding But Husband & Daughter Are : I don't think taking DD out is blackmail either. I think saying, "if you don't invite my wife, then daughter isn't going to be in the wedding and I am not coming," is. If OP is not invited, then H can decline the invite for him and pull the daughter.
    Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]
    Right.  That makes sense.
  • I would expect my husband to politley decline the invitation and quietly pull my daughter from the bridal party.  I agree with those who said it is a boundaries question:  Your mother-in-law is attempting to intervene where she has no role in your family (You, your husband, your daughter).  I know my husband would never allow this to occur and would not go because he wouldn't want our child to see his/her mother being walked all over and dismissed from the family.

    OP, I feel for your husband:  He's been put between a rock and a hard place with two important women in his life.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-to-wedding-but-husband-daughter-are?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d8f6c80e-2a36-45b6-b095-2cc7055267aaPost:0f4bae57-0ddc-491e-8161-02bedd89448c">Re: Not Invited To Wedding But Husband & Daughter Are</a>:
    [QUOTE]That's awful and really hurtful.  My first reaction would be to flip, but it seems like they are looking for a fight here.  I would not say a single word about it.  Just send your husband and daugther, as the invitation was addressed.  This might be one of those occassions where you will really rise to the top by being the bigger person.  I might have H casually mention it to his brother if the opportunity presented itself. 
    Posted by mlperkins12[/QUOTE]


    Sorry, no.

    I love my brother. He's my only sibling and we're pretty close. But if I was being forced to choose between him and my husband, my spouse wins everytime. That's the way it should be between your spouse and ANYONE.

    If the husband has to burn bridges with his immediate family, too bad, so sad, but it's their fault to begin with. And I'd rather be on the outs with my blood relatives than with my spouse!
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  • Woooo that's harsh. I"m guessing the couple doesn't know about this. Ask your husband if he wants to call and politely speak to his brother about this, or just quietly decline. I don't think sending your daughter and husband without you is acceptable. My fiance wouldn't go to his school reunion down the street without me... I can't imagine he'd even consider a wedding without me! I bet if he does call and they wind up confronting your MIL, she'll claim it was an "oversight." Please update us!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-to-wedding-but-husband-daughter-are?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d8f6c80e-2a36-45b6-b095-2cc7055267aaPost:76fe0258-d28d-4eeb-a0df-3862a7f70349">Re: Not Invited To Wedding But Husband & Daughter Are</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not Invited To Wedding But Husband & Daughter Are : Sorry, no. I love my brother. He's my only sibling and we're pretty close. But if I was being forced to choose between him and my husband, my spouse wins everytime. That's the way it should be between your spouse and ANYONE. If the husband has to burn bridges with his immediate family, too bad, so sad, but it's their fault to begin with. And I'd rather be on the outs with my blood relatives than with my spouse!
    Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]
    Slightly off topic but I just had to thank you merymac cause I only have one brother too and it irritates me so much when my family says "you two are all you've got".  They act like even though I will be married soon no one ever matters as much as blood but I disagree and it's good to see that I'm not alone.
  • OP - please come back and update us!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-to-wedding-but-husband-daughter-are?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d8f6c80e-2a36-45b6-b095-2cc7055267aaPost:bde6cbbd-cb26-4004-89ee-556c6a6713fe">Re: Not Invited To Wedding But Husband & Daughter Are</a>:
    [QUOTE]OP - please come back and update us!
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]<div>So I tried to email future SIL to address the situation and she refused to even write me back!!! How rude is that?  Now my husband is saying that I should send them an email saying that I will voluntarily not go to their wedding because the conflict between me and MIL will cause a "distraction."  What the ???  I am so ticked off ladies, I don't know what to do.  There is NO WAY I AM WRITING THAT EMAIL.  I'm pretty sure I am in the right here.  What should I do?  

    </div>
  • OK - you don't have a MIL problem.  you have a husband problem.

    YOU don't email anyone.  HE needs to get on the horn with his brother and straighten this out.
    No emails and no text.  Does he really expect you to take this?  Does he really not feel it is his duty to stand up for you and say "if she isn't invited, neither am i?"  WTH

    You should have never emailed her in the first place.  He should have taken the ball and ran with it.  Maybe he needs to read this post?

    He is as wrong as a man can get if he chooses his brother's wedding over you.
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