Is wedding worth it? Just Elope?

nosaj · December 2009

My FI and I have been together 11 years and are finally engaged.

Most people except those really close have sort of a why bother at this point attitude. So now that I'm deep in planning a big wedding, my FI is getting stressed out about all the decisions.Even though he's had 11 years before proposing and the wedding isn't til Fall 2010 he feels like it's moving too fast! He's concerned about money and whether or not enough people will come since we have no local family. I gave him the option to just let me handle the planning but he's not your typical guy and is way to opinionated. He says he'll be glad when it's over so we can move on with our lives.

Plus people he's talked to other guys who say the honeymoon is the best part and if we have the wedding, we won't be able to afford a honeymoon. Plus, what if we choose wedding and are like "what a waste of money for 7 hours" afterwards.

So we've been back and fourth now about whether or not to elope or scale back. My mom would be upset if she wasn't there and truth is I just started getting excited cause I just found my dress (Pronovias, Medina) and we've put 1k down on a venue already. Before he'd proposed, I'd finally et go of the wedding dream.

To make matters worse he doesn't seem to think the ceremony is at all important and is just about the party time at the reception. In his mind he's already committed to me so this doesn't hold much value other than getting family together and making it official.

I'm so confused!!!

Tygirljojo · December 2009

Lol, sorry, but my FI is the same. All the decisions I pretty much have made. We knew it was important to have family and close friends there. I knew I wanted to weary my white poufy dress and have a bouquet. Regarding your FI thinking it's moving too fast, it sounds to me like you're on track. In fairness to my FI, we started planning 2 years out (although when we got engaged it could have been only 15 months out until we decided to push it back a bit). You're 9 months out from the wedding and it sounds like things are progressing as they ought it.

It also sounds like you're possibly a bit upset with his "Whatever" attitude? Stop and ask YOURSELF (ignore what your FI says and what other people say) "Do I want to have a wedding? The whole shebang? Or do I just want to elope?" And be honest with yourself and your answer. If you do want a wedding but not a big one, that is definitely doable. If you want to go on an HM and have a nice wedding, that's doable as well. It's really a matter of compromising and prioritizing.

Tygirljojo · December 2009

Oh yes, and congrats!

sarack · December 2009

FI and I have struggled with this. After we put down deposits and stuff and learned how some of our family isn't that gungho about everything, we've talked about eloping.

If you've put a lot of money down, I would continue. Plus, do you think in a few years you'll wish you would have had a wedding? I would think about that. Also, tons of people take their honeymoon's at their first year anniversary or a few months after their wedding, maybe you guys can save after the wedding.

As for him only caring about the party, I think all guys are like that. In FI's case, he is just nervous about the ceremony and wants to throw the party we've never been able to throw.

It seems like after we cut our guestlist, FI seems way more excited about the actual wedding. He used to just tell me all the time that he just wants to elope because we were inviting all these people who aren't our close friends and family. Maybe try doing some of that.

IN the meantime, I think before you put more deposits on stuff, you should decide what you wanna do. I think our wedding will be worth it and I'm excited.

carrieoz_76 · December 2009

First off, congrats!

My FI also is pretty opinionated and not happy to spend a bunch of money on a party. We decided to do an intimate wedding (25-30 guests) in Hawaii, and we'll get to hang out with our guests for more than just a few hrs - which is important to us. We came to this decision after sitting down and talking about what he needed - a small wedding with only those people we care about the most in attendance, preferably in Hawaii , and what I needed - my immediate family and best friends at the wedding.

If you decide not to elope, a small DW isn't the only way to cut costs. The smaller the guest list, the smaller the budget. You can have an intimate wedding at an inn on one of the many local islands. You can get married at a park anywhere and have a reception at a restaurant. There really are a lot of options beyond the typical 150+ guest list at a reception hall. Check out intimateweddings.com and budgetsavvybride.com and see how others have done it.

It comes down to what you BOTH want from that day, and can afford. For us, yes, it's worth it (but sometimes just barely). For you, it might not be. It's really a personal decision.

hayleymajayley · December 2009

You don't have to spend a ton on a wedding. Just have a small ceremony and reception for your closest friends and family, and then have your honeymoon! there are some great deals out there.

nosaj · December 2009

Thank you all so much for the feedback. This is the first time I've posted something but I feel a ton better that what I'm experiencing is somewhat normal.

I do need to figure out exactly what I want. I guess I can't be upset with him if I'm not for sure. Actually I do know I want the big wedding, I've just never spent this much on anything and there are a lot of other things we could put it towards. I'm pretty frugal so this is difficult to commit to in that sense.

Plus I'm really shocked at what a lucrative industry weddings are and feel like i shouldn't be so accepting of it. But at the end of the day that is I suppose how it all ends up being the "perfect day."

Thanks again for sharing. I like the idea about doing the honeymoon a bit later too!

jennuinne · December 2009

We've gone through the same thing...back and forth on eloping or destination wedding or medium-size wedding here. We're doing it here, but we both have second thoughts about it all the time. You have to decide what you want (with some consideration for FI and your immediate family). My mom would've died if we eloped without her.

As pp said, you could scale down the wedding or cost costs to afford a honeymoon. Or have a smaller, more affordable honeymoon near home and maybe a more traditional honeymoon later.

If money is your main issue, just be sure to do your research and shop around for details and ask yourself if you really need all those little extras. And ask the knotties for advice...they always have lots of good suggestions.

BrandyL10 · December 2009

I agree w/ people that you need to decide what you want, and it seems you just did! Congrats and I'm glad you are getting excited about your dream wedding. FI's can be a pain in the butt, but there are many ways to cut costs and have a good honeymoon. Talk to the Do It Yourself girls on here! We have many! That is a great way to save and have gorgeous decor, food, flowers, etc. Good luck!

KST_ · December 2009

PPs are right - first you really need to decide what's important to you, what do YOU want? Then you can figure out a way to mesh your desires with your FIs. My FI doesn't really care about the whole thing. He says as long as he gets married to me, he doesn't care (not even if his parents are there, which I don't quite believe). Of course, I also take it with a big grain of salt because whenever we throw little parties at home, I get all wrapped up in details and get frustrated at him for not caring. But the day of the party or a day before, he gets into it and gets excited and always thanks me afterwards for the details and that it was worth it and he enjoyed himself.

Come post with us more often!

We have LOTS of advice and ideas to help shave costs. It is really easy to get suckered in by the wedding industry, the blogs, magazines et. al. for what you "need" to have. You don't need favors. You don't have to do this or do that. A lot of it may be nice ideas but it's tacked on to make us think we HAVE to have that in our consumerist mentality and just forces us to spend money.

Give us some more details on what you DO have planned/deposits on and we'll be more than happy to help!

FYI - we're doing our ceremony in a city park and a daytime tea party reception at a pretty and small community facility. Total cost for everything except bride and grooms' attire, rings, and honeymoon is to be kept to $5000. And plenty of people can do it for less. You have your dress (ordered I assume from your post) and reception venue deposit paid, but you don't have to go all crazy with flowers, etc. Sounding like where you are, there are still a lot of potential big money-spends you haven't been committed to, yet. Always come check with us before putting down a deposit if you have doubts!

nosaj · December 2009

I'm currently giving him a few days without the word wedding coming up in an effort that hopefully he'll be able to clear his mind and make a decision. I think maybe he's just on overload with it being such a topic of conversation.

I know that in the big scheme of things, my costs are pretty low but it's just a lot for me and no one is helping us pay. Catering is what really surprised me the most. I had no idea it would be that much and that then there are labor fee's on top of the PP cost. We want to do a meal since many people would be oot's. So I'd love suggestions for catering if anyone has some or any other vendor you'd recommend.

I haven't put a deposit on the dress yet but am pretty sure I will as it's only about $500 more than the Davids Bridal stuff I tried on and I like it way more. The dress is pretty important even though it's one day right?

Your wedding sounds nice already! Id thought about having it at a park but it was just too much of a risk for a fall wedding. How many people are you having?

Tygirljojo · December 2009

Does you venue allow you to select any caterer? You'll want to double check that. Some require you to use their exclusive catering company, some have a list of approved caterers, and of course there are some that allow you to bring whatever company you want.

I've found for all-inclusive caterers Chef Bert (who we are actually using) as well as Brown's Catering to be good options. For more regular but reasonably priced:The Upper Crust and Renton Technical College (yes, they actually have very good reviews). I've also heard good things about Avenue Catering and Flame Catering , although I will warn that Flame isn't known for good communication, however all the reviews I've come across say they always come through beautifully.

There are of course other options I can't think of right now, but I'm sure other Knotties remember them. I do suggest getting a spreadsheet started so you can compare apples to apples (or as close as you can) since while one catering company may sound reasonably priced, when you add on service, gratuity, plates, linens, etc, it can become a HUGE amount.

carrieoz_76 · December 2009

Other cateriIng options are ethnic or BBQ restaurants that also cater. They tend to be much more affordable than "fancier" more traditional food. I love the idea of a BBQ dinner at a wedding, and we'd have considered going that route if we were doing a local wedding.

Other areas where you can definitely save: paper products (can be DIY-ed and really simple); flowers (can be bought at Pike Place or wholesale online and DIY-ed); centerpieces (can be DIY-ed and you can get vases, etc. at the Dollar Store and lots of other shops).

I definitely agree with KST. There's a lot of wedding-related crap that the wedding industry tries to get us to think we MUST HAVE. If you can afford it, and want it, then go for it. But don't think you need it all.

One area that was more expensive than we expected, though, was photography. And I've really put my foot down on that one. I refuse to regret that we didn't hire a competent professional. But that's our decision - you'll come to yours.

Lastly - I recommend only talking wedding like one day a week. Don't just take a few days off - really limit how much you go on and on about details. I found that my thinking out loud about a bunch of different details was perceived by him as either dithering or indecisiveness, and it really stressed him out. So I've tried to cut back on doing that with him around, and it's been pretty helpful. I also don't talk to FI until I have final details on whatever options we need to decide between. Then we review, discuss, and decide. Then I don't rehash it with him anymore (although I do with friends and online).

Best of luck in your planning. The girls (and guy

) on the boards (esp. this one!) are great resources.

nosaj · December 2009

So I'd posted some replies but for some reason they didn't show up. I'm a bit new at this so I'm sure I did something wrong.

Tygirl-thanks for the caterer suggestions. I've emailed RTC and checked out their website. They are a real possibility for us based on what I saw.

Also, I was wondering if anyone had actually tried Chef Bert at an event? Also, anyone know of restaurants that cater?

Carrie, thanks for the suggestions on the wedding talk. I think that's a big part of the problem with FI right now. Also, who did you use as your photographer?

Thanks again to all of you! I love the boards and am sooooo happy I've got people to talk to whom can relate

carrieoz_76 · December 2009

We haven't hired our photographer yet, but the couple we looked at are much more spendy than we'd realized they'd be ($1500-2000 for 2 hrs). Those are low to middle prices for a photog on Maui. And that amount is certainly waaay more than our original (and not very well thought out) idea of just having our friend who's an amateur photog with a nice camera take them.

Is wedding worth it? Just Elope?

Re: Is wedding worth it? Just Elope?

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