2 faced family member -- long

pinkpigeon · November 2012

My aunt is a passive aggressive bully who loves to gossip. I hate it, everyone hates it, but it’s how she is. She is married to my supportive uncle whom we have considered asking to speak at our renewal. Yet, she talks about EVERYONE behind their backs, and I have personally felt her sting twice.

First, when my now-husband and I found out we were pregnant and my cousins threw me 1 of 2 showers. Building up to the showers she would talk to people about how wrong it was to throw a shower, and show support of our bastard baby. She never sent words of encouragement, or shows her support, except that she did show up at the shower and gave us a onsie.

Then when our sweet daughter was born, and we visited the family, my aunt was suddenly ALL ABOUT our little one. She wanted to hold her, and love on her, etc. Shortly thereafter we were married, but never had a ceremony or reception, etc.

Now that we have more time and money we have started to plan our vow renewal and reception. Unfortunately 2 of my cousins are planning their weddings within 6 month time frame too. I have talked to both of them, to make sure they wouldn’t feel like their weddings were overshadowed by mine (which is the last in the year), and they have assured me they don’t. Our is a laid back, 100 people (or less) event, with pie and sweet tea and an ipod instead of a dj. Very laid back.

Today I found out my bully aunt has been talking about us again, and how she feels our reception is a slap in the face to the other 2 cousins. More was said, but this was enough to hurt my feelings and second guess the entire event.

Ultimately, this lady has not been supportive of our lifestyle since day one, and hearing about her stresses me out, and brings me to tears. Maybe we shouldn’t have a reception. Maybe I am being inconsiderate. I don’t know. What would you do? Would you approach her, and ask her to stop the gossip? Would you avoid inviting her, especially because she has not been supportive and seems to show up for the free food alone? Would you invite her and kill her with kindness (I don’t know if I can do that)? How do you handle a 2 faced family member?

PMeg819 · November 2012

So your aunt has always been like this and you're letting it get to you? Seriously, grow up. Obviously no one seems to want to confront her, or they do and it does nothing. This is her behavior, and apparently always has been, so just move on. Don't speak to her about the wedding if it bothers you. Tell your family that you are done with the gossip, and that you'd like to keep wedding details private. After all this time, your reception is the straw that broke the camel's back? I don't buy it personally, but whatever. As for inviting her, it's your call. Is it going to create more drama if you don't? What does your other family feel? I don't get why people are still talking to this woman if she's so two-faced. It takes more than one person to continue on her chain of lies.

tawillers · November 2012

1. Why do you care what she's saying about you?

2. How are you finding all of this out? The people telling you all of it are just as bad as your aunt, in my opinion.

3. Why can't all of these people keep their mouths shut and ignore her? It seems like she's not the only gossip in the family.

4. Again, why do you care about her? Why would you reconsider the reception because of something she said? Why does she have so much power?

pinkpigeon · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_2-faced-family-member-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:ea6c54ca-b2f3-4998-8a57-3e369679b4c1Post:c31360d4-e935-44f1-933a-2e944b377555">Re: 2 faced family member -- long</a>:
[QUOTE]So your aunt has always been like this and you're letting it get to you? Seriously, grow up. Obviously no one seems to want to confront her, or they do and it does nothing. This is her behavior, and apparently always has been, so just move on. Don't speak to her about the wedding if it bothers you. Tell your family that you are done with the gossip, and that you'd like to keep wedding details private. After all this time, your reception is the straw that broke the camel's back? I don't buy it personally, but whatever. As for inviting her, it's your call. Is it going to create more drama if you don't? What does your other family feel? I don't get why people are still talking to this woman if she's so two-faced. It takes more than one person to continue on her chain of lies.
Posted by PMeg819[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>thanks for the brutal honesty. i dont speak to her about the wedding at all, and have only seen her in the past few years when we are invited to the same family functions. there is no personal relationship between us, and i have stopped her in her tracks before when she has tried to talk gossip. the straw that broke the camel's back was when she was unsupportive and awful about my pregnancy -- which is when i called her out during one of her gossip bouts. and you're right, people should call her own, or at least ignore her when she gossips and for all i know the rest of the family is gossiping and is as unspportive as she is. however she has been blatently toxic, and unsupportive, moreso than anyone else. the rest of my family feels the same -- that she is obnoxiously toxic, and almost everyone keeps the details of their lives to themselves so that she doesn't have ammo to passive aggressively use against us, and make us feel bad about our lives.</div><div>however, she is still family and is married to a much loved uncle. my only regret in not inviting her would be that my uncle wouldn't attend. if the only advice that i get is that i need to suck it up and deal with a fake family member, then i'll consider that. i had hoped someone would have something a little more helpful to say rather than "seriously grow up".

</div>

VarunaTT · November 2012

You know, you sound like you don't need advice, you need validation.

So yes, if you want your beloved uncle there, you have to deal with hated aunt. You can't only invite one of them, it's rude and it'll just give her more ammunition. So, which do you want more, beloved uncle...avoidance from hated aunt?

pinkpigeon · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_2-faced-family-member-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:ea6c54ca-b2f3-4998-8a57-3e369679b4c1Post:b5dd2467-47c0-43c0-ac3f-6afaa4b12568">Re: 2 faced family member -- long</a>:
[QUOTE]1. Why do you care what she's saying about you? 2. How are you finding all of this out? The people telling you all of it are just as bad as your aunt, in my opinion. 3. Why can't all of these people keep their mouths shut and ignore her? It seems like she's not the only gossip in the family. 4. Again, why do you care about her? Why would you reconsider the reception because of something she said? Why does she have so much power?
Posted by tawillers[/QUOTE]

<div>she is married to my uncle, who i have even considered asking to speak or read verses during the vow renewal. of course if it turns out we do not invite her, then we may have to do something different. or, as another poster suggest, we suck it up, invite her, and deal with it. however, i don't feel having someone who has been blatently unsupportive, and who has said awful things about us, should freely attend a wedding, drink our drinks, eat our food, have fun, and overall act like she cares. let me put it this way, if she WASNT family, and was just a friend/coworker, would you want to have someone at your wedding who talks about your life in that way?</div><div>
</div><div>and as far as people telling me these things, i agree -- i don't need to know any more. but im glad i did. again, if this person was a "friend" of mine, i would want to know if things were being said behind my back. im not one for fake friends, or fake family for that matter. i would rather know, so that i could get the toxic person out of my life.</div><div>
</div><div>and it has made me question calling the event off because of how my cousins may feel. of course my talks with them have led me to believe they are okay with it, but i truly felt awful that i may have somehow hurt their feelings, or caused them to be upset.</div>

pinkpigeon · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_2-faced-family-member-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:ea6c54ca-b2f3-4998-8a57-3e369679b4c1Post:280f6ac0-2994-48aa-be64-02b0cf5b9cd8">Re: 2 faced family member -- long</a>:
[QUOTE]You know, you sound like you don't need advice, you need validation. So yes, if you want your beloved uncle there, you have to deal with hated aunt. You can't only invite one of them, it's rude and it'll just give her more ammunition. So, which do you want more, beloved uncle...avoidance from hated aunt?
Posted by VarunaTT[/QUOTE]

<div>thanks for the advice, varuna. you're a gem and have been quite helpful.</div>

VarunaTT · November 2012

You don't call off events that are important to you b/c of other people. Also, if your cousins really did mind, too damn bad. Everyone gets a day for their weddings, that's it. Your date doesn't conflict, so there is no reason for them to care.

tawillers · November 2012

No, if this person wasn't family, she certainly wouldn't be in my life, let alone invited to the wedding.

I'm definitely not a "but she's family!!!!" type person, so I don't think you have to go out of your way to be nice to her. Personally, for my uncle, I'd just make sure I wasn't mean to her and that's it. I definitely wouldn't be chatting her up or anything.

If you want your uncle there, then invite them, but don't worry about entertaining her. Let her sit in the corner taking notes about what she's going to talk about behind your back later. Just dance and have fun at your party.

pinkpigeon · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_2-faced-family-member-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:ea6c54ca-b2f3-4998-8a57-3e369679b4c1Post:d1aa1bf2-9a11-4d09-9b6e-dcd6ef754d32">Re: 2 faced family member -- long</a>:
[QUOTE]No, if this person wasn't family, she certainly wouldn't be in my life, let alone invited to the wedding. I'm definitely not a "but she's family!!!!" type person, so I don't think you have to go out of your way to be nice to her. Personally, for my uncle, I'd just make sure I wasn't mean to her and that's it. I definitely wouldn't be chatting her up or anything. If you want your uncle there, then invite them, but don't worry about entertaining her. Let her sit in the corner taking notes about what she's going to talk about behind your back later. Just dance and have fun at your party.
Posted by tawillers[/QUOTE]

<div>thank you for understanding and advise.</div>

Peledreamsofrain · November 2012

Honestly? I'd be more afraid if a nasty peice of work like that was suddenly nice to me. It's just business as usual at this point for her to be mean. Treat it with the bored contempt it deserves. Also, be glad u aren't her, she never gets a break from herself. Yikes!

PMeg819 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_2-faced-family-member-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:ea6c54ca-b2f3-4998-8a57-3e369679b4c1Post:4518bea4-4921-4e0c-8647-2a4e45b74c3c">Re:2 faced family member long</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly? I'd be more afraid if a nasty peice of work like that was suddenly nice to me. It's just business as usual at this point for her to be mean. Treat it with the bored contempt it deserves. Also, be glad u aren't her, she never gets a break from herself. Yikes!
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

You take the time out to spell business or contempt, but use "u". Because y and o are too hard to include? I fracking hate text speak.

2 faced family member -- long

Re: 2 faced family member -- long

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