No Plus 1 For You!

rconover · May 2010

Hi there! I know - it's so hard to decide who should get a +1 and who shouldn't. We ran into the same issue with not having enough space at our venue, so we decided that the only people who could bring a +1 (who aren't already dating someone) are people who wouldn't know ANYONE at the wedding except us (the bride & groom). To me, it's extremely rude for guests to assume they get a +1 (or in your case, a +6!!!) That is so outrageous, and you shouldn't feel bad at all telling them that they don't get a +1. After all, all of these guys do all know eachother, and if there are single girls at your wedding they might be glad they didn't bring anyone... that's how I've been spinning it... like "don't bring a date, there will be single girls/guys at the wedding"

. It seems to get people excited!
Good luck!!!!

deanac20 · May 2010

I don't see anything wrong with it. Our list is over 200 people... I never wanted a huge wedding, so we had to start cutting somewhere. The +1s were the first to go (none of them know only me or my fiance, but I figured if they did, than an exception would be made).

Now I just have to figure out how to get my list down even further!!

joehler · May 2010

When I was single, I actually hated being invited with a guest. I felt like there was pressure to find a date that I didn't actually want to bring. As for the friend that texted, this is YOUR party, not his. I can't get over how many guests don't understand that.

kathyhm · May 2010

You are totally in the right. I recommend the book, Miss Manners Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour by Judith Martin. It's very informative along with being hilarious. According to Miss Manners, each guest must be invited by name. If someone has a SO he must bring, you have to find out his or her name and send him or her an invitation. No "and guest" allowed.

KathyH

emma5w · May 2010

I'm wrestling with the same thing, especially because I worry that a few of the single guys will just bring a guy friend of theirs to get drunk with, rather than actually respect the fact that we are paying lots of money for this and we'd have invited that person if we really wanted him there. Unfortunately those same people are in the WP, so...I'm still not completely convinced it's ok to say no plus 1 to them. But I do feel better seeing all of you say that not inviting singles with plus 1 is acceptable. I wouldn't necessarily feel bad about it, but I know I'm gonna have a hard time convincing FI.

elfatc · May 2010

I've been dealing with this issue for the last month. My FI and I decided that we were not going to allow our single guests to bring a plus one unless we knew their SO. I have had two good friends of mine send their RSVP back with "+1" written on it. I then had to make the uncomfortable telephone call to them both stating that we were not inviting guests of guests due to budgetary reasons. The guy gave me a hard time at first but then understood. The girl on the other hand, was pissed and continue to say things like " well if it's a money issue we won't eat so you don't have to include us in the food cost and well if it's that big of a deal then maybe I just won't come." This really upset me, but after calming down I decided that if I let one person bring a date that I don't know about I would have to allow everyone. I didn't want to go back on our original statement, so we stuck with not allowing "+1." Just stick to your decision.

koleson · May 2010

MY FI and I are having a destination wedding in Hawaii. To minimize the cost for our wedding party and close family members my FI and I decided to to pay for everyone's lodging for our week. My FI's has a groomsman, (a friend since childhood), who has a crazy girl friend who has not allowed him to hang out with my FI in over two years because she doesn't like his friends and doesn't trust me and my friends. Needless to say she invited herself to our wedding and is expecting us to pay for her lodging so she can "keep and eye on her Bf at the wedding." Instead of an extra $100.00 or so we are talking about an extra $1000.00 for her alone.

Not happening. I don't feel guilty at all for telling her that she can't come.

This is day is about you and your FI, you are spending a lot of money and deserve to have the people you really care about there, not random strangers. A lot of people tend to forget that weddings are expensive and the guest list is one of reasons why is gets so expensive. If your groom is set on having a few extra people, you could always invite more guests after dinner. The dance part of the reception is the fun part anyway...I have now been to two weddings where the ceremony and dinner were very small and then suddenly at 7:30 that was when to grooms frats brothers were allowed to come. No one feels left out and it saves you a lot of money...unless of course you're having open bar!

nidhidalwadi · May 2010

I do not think it is wrong. It would be wrong it the single person didn't know anyone at the wedding. I personally am debating that with a few friends myself but after another friend only invited the one person, she helped me make up my mind! However, if this person starts dating someone in the next few months, then I will reconsider.

korrie228 · May 2010

No your not.. I actually did the same thing. I am getting married in June and I said no plus 1. If your not in a relationship then you cant bring someone. I cant afford to pay for people your not going to be with tomorrow. Most of my friends understood... My venue can only hold a certain amount and I would rather cut part time BF/GF then people I actual care about!!!

mgreene404 · May 2010

I recently had my first experience with someone assuming a plus one. My friend was telling me about how she needed to find a date to my wedding (Even though her invite did not say "and guest") and I didn't know how to respond. We are inviting significant others if it makes sense for them to be there, but are not allowing anyone a random "plus one." There is nothing wrong with this! If you can only invite 100 people, why would you waste those spots with people you do not know!? Our venue holds 250 and we're still having this problem! It is YOUR day, and you want to be sure you can share it with the people you want to share it with! Best of luck!

Tyler&Anna09 · May 2010

I've had the same pushy problem but from my FI's mom. Our venue will only fit about 100 people and last summer in our initial count for guests we were forced to make the decision (with my parents who are hosting aka $$$-ing for this wedding) that unless the friends/relatives were living with their significant other there would be NO plus ones. Same idea - have people there you know and who love and care about YOU not the free food/booze.
At my soon-to-be mother-in-law's Birthday dinner a few weeks ago, in front of all of us, invited my FI's brother's new girlfriend. I almost dropped my drink in my lap. I felt like "Excuse me? Am I even sitting here?"
A few weeks after that I was TOLD by her "So, Charlie (FI's bro) knows he can bring his girlfriend, right?"

#1 - This is rude and disrespectful not only to me, but to the decisions that my FI and I made and not the mention my parents. My parents are not telling them who/or inviting people to the rehersal dinner etc that she is hosting.

#2 - Give them an inch......

#3 - Mom advice - and the best for this, put it all in perspective. It is not ok what she did, my FI and I had a plan and she should respect that. However, not only that but it is time to start drawing your own boundaries. You and your FI are about to become your own family, you have to be able to support each other and the decisions you have made together. Even if approached alone your FI should be able to put his foot down and say no, sorry we made this plan together please respect it. That way he is drawing his boundaries with his friends as well as supporting and protecting you.

Good luck and warm wishes for your happy day...now I'm off to wrangle with my mother-in-law-to-be!

smrich96 · May 2010

I don't think its a problem at all, especially b/c of your venue space. Just be careful because I had a friend who did no plus ones for her wedding and people showed up with dates!
Logistical nightmare, yes...did everything work out for the best? Yes.
Apparently she didn't get the point across via the invitation.
Some people just don't understand the planning and expense that goes into a wedding and would rather be rude and show up with a date then ask if they are invited with one in the first place!

akrohn71 · May 2010

Ok, this makes me feel MUCH better! My invites just went out and I didn't give my aunts a +1. One of them called me (has not been dating anyone since her divorce 5 years ago) last night but didn't leave a message--she's the type to try to call me out on it. The next month will be interesting as people try to weasel their way into another invite, which is not happening!

teenna · May 2010

I totally agree with no +1's. My rule may be a bit strict but I decided if you weren't dating by the time I got engaged, oh well. Everything is so expensive nowadays for weddings, so why should I foot the bill for you and your fling to have a free date on me.

One of my recently married friends told me that you really only get about 20-30 seconds per guest during the reception (depending on the number of guests) so you really aren't going to forge a deep meaningful relationship at your reception anyway.

Maureen679 · May 2010

We decided that if you are not in a serious relationship you don't get a plus one. We have so many peole family and friend wise that we want there we don't have the money to pay for them all to bring a guest. And seriously who ask to bring +6?

atraut1 · May 2010

This is YOUR wedding day, not prom. People will survive without a date for a couple hours. I'm doing no plus ones too. My FI's cousin who I've never met RSVP'd and wrote that "he's thinking about maybe bringing a date" sorry but no! Our guest list has already blown up, my family is massive and I'm not making my parents pay more than they have to for someone I don't care if they're at my wedding. Only people who are in serious relationships get a date, and even then we found out the SO name and put it on the invite so it's not like they get to choose who they bring

CNovlesky · May 2010

We have over 20 singles invited to our wedding. I think times are a changing. A wedding is a great place for singles to meet other singles and they should be excited! lol How awful would it be to show up with a random date that you just invited to a wedding and then miss out on all the single action.
I think that it might be different if it was a single that didnt know anyone at the wedding, maybe a work friend or something, where they might feel awkward without someone to accompany them to the wedding so they know someone other than the bride and groom. If its a friend, who has many other friends there, they will survive the night having fun without an unknown tagalong.

ErLeBe · May 2010

This is what I'm doing, too, just like most people above me said.
When space and money limitations come into it, there is no need to feel guilty. Not to mention it is your and your FH's day, so why would you want it full of strangers?

But...I have a question that should probably be a post of it's own...
how is everyone indicating to people that they can't have a plus one?

BrandiNichol · May 2010

Wow, I think that is very arrogant, disrespectful and rude of your friend. Someone needs to explain the process of planning a wedding to him so he understands how difficult it is and how expensive it would be to let just anyone show up. It is your wedding and you make the rules and as long as you are consistent it shouldn't be a problem. For instance, my Mom thought my 19 year old cousin should be able to bring her serious boyfriend of a year. First of all I am not that close to this cousin b/c I am 9 years older and I have never even met her b/f. I cannot make this exception b/c I have tried to make it clear that if the guest is not married they must be engaged or together for years to have a plus 1. I hope this helps:) Good luck with the wedding. One of my favorite quotes:

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
--- Bill Cosby

Brandi

BrandiNichol · May 2010

Sorry one other exception for a plus 1 is that if the guest will not know anyone at the wedding.

lynds230 · May 2010

@mrscheetah douchelord = hilarious. I will be stealing that

OP - I can't believe your FI friends even thought bringing 6 "party" people to your wedding was in the cards! Has this person ever been to a wedding reception? LIke PP's said, this is not a frat party or backyard bbq...Please don't feel bad! My FI and are are not having plus 1's for single folks either and so far no one has complained at all.

Davette473 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:95014fd5-f171-48bd-a3f0-68c96aa0d085Post:43e7f2a9-6a9b-4d9f-bfad-9e321bf7a916">Re: No Plus 1 For You!</a>:
[QUOTE]We only invited +1's if they were engaged, living together or in the wedding party. I kind of felt guilty about it when family started asking me if they could bring a date, but I just told them we didn't have it in the budget. I feel much better cutting people I don't know than people who I actually want to see at my wedding. I don't feel guilty anymore, though. I'm glad I chose to do it this way. At least we will know everyone there.
Posted by klindke[/QUOTE]

Same here for us - only married, cohabiting, engaged or in wedding party. I know we'll feel guilty (or maybe just uncomfortable) too when ppl start asking about +1s(funny, people are asking if they could invite drivers too) but my answer is that the site is full and we're over the limit - which is the truth. I'm also going to make it so that neither I nor fiance will be collecting rsvps. It's easier to say no if it isn't your party. My sis and some good friends with strong resolves will handle that for me.

Seriously girl, I'm with you on the no +1 for you thing.

wallyandkristin · May 2010

Don't feel bad about it at all. Make sure he knows he can't have a plus one. Until you plan a wedding, you just don't know how it all works and how hard it is to make a guest list. I'm sorry, I would rather have another family friend who would be touched to be invited and give a gift than somebody's signifigant other who won't remember a thing, is just there to drink and I won't recognize in the photos. We're not even giving the wedding party plus ones. If you aren't married and we don't know you, you aren't invited. I'd rather have our wedding party there focusing on the group and the wedding than babysitting their significant others who don't know us or the family. It's one night, they'll be fine.

genewifey2010 · May 2010

my problem isnt really with plus 1 mines is with ppl with kids ugh some of my cousins have like 4kids each and thats taking away from my actual quest and i have a baby and my sister has 3 and other sis has 1 but they are all in my wedding. i feel wrong saying no kids allowed,because to me it's like no one will have a babysitter : / so they wont show up i have a limit of 80ppl and 20 is is the wedding party

Reginalynch · May 2010

If any of these guys are in the wedding party then I would give them a Plus 1. I have been in two weddings where I was not allowed to bring my boyfriend and I was very upset about it.
Most single guys should not want to bring sand to the beach anyways so I agree that if they are going to be with their friends at the wedding that they do not need a plus one.

This "No Plus 1 Rule" is new and not everyone knows about it. BTW Boys don't have a clue and most of them don't even know they are to bring a gift so don't expect much from them. Your FI May have to let his single friends know what is up.

loritajean · May 2010

None of my single guests are getting a plus one. (Except for one friend from work who won't know anybody at the wedding.)

We have space for 250 people, but since we both have huge families, we're already about 10 over our limit and trying to figure out how to cut people.

Can't even begin to tell you how many people have asked to bring along extra guests. Just say no!

Annekite · May 2010

mrscheetah gets best post of the day, and I totally agree with her. We're only inviting SOs of guests. In one case for a single bridesmaid, I told her she could have a plus one, but it has to be her best guy friend who's already on the guest list anyway

This is your day to be surrounded by the people you love, and not this frat guy's day to get his friends drunk on your dime. No SO, no date. I'm sure he'll find some poor single friend of yours to awkwardly hit on anyway.

wegoromo · May 2010

We have the same problem with trying to cut the list. We recently went to a family funeral and that's when I found out and met two of my FI's cousins' SO. One of his cousins hasn't had a girlfriend forever, since even before I met my FI and he's over 35 and still lives at home with his mother. Now he has a girlfriend and I'm sure he'll be expecting to be able to bring her but I never would have even known about her unless this unexpected death in the family occured. Should I give him a plus one, should I invite his GF specifically or can I just not let him bring anyone? He's only been dating her for 2 months and the first I'd heard of it was at the funeral. He didn't even introduce her to anyone we all just had to gossip to figure out her name. Ok so now his other cousin had been dating a girl on and off for years and the girl knows the family so I was going to give her a plus one but then at the funeral his cousin had a totally new girlfriend. We're pretty close to his cousins' side of the family but some sides of the family we aren't as close with and haven't seen in years (some of whom probably have SO) but since we don't know about those they are not getting a plus one and may not even come to the wedding. My FIs cousins are both definitely coming.

So what do you guys think, do either of them get a plus one?

Jatalians · May 2010

I had the same problem, I have 3step-brothers 1 of them don't have a girlfriend. I didn't do a + 1 for him..... could u believe he called me up asking "so how does this work me +3 ppl" i WAS OUTRAGED,, asked him if he was a mad man. I ended up tell him its okay to bring 1 guest.........

One of the girls I work with, I know for a fact that she is single, I sent her and invite without any +1,,,,, she rsvp with a + 1 so I quickly called her and clear that up.

I really don't know what's up with ppl thinking they can pull anyone off the street and take them to someone's celebration.

prettyt · May 2010

We are not doing plus 1's. I dont really like the idea of having strangers present on such a personal day. When I mentioned it to my single friends, they were all relieved! It's too much pressure to find the right date, and hard to enjoy yourself when your date doesnt know anyone.

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