Delicate +1 situation

damaless · May 2010

My uncle died unexpectedly a few months ago, and so the invitation I sent to my aunt included only her name and her daughters name (originally it would have been the three of them, of course). Now she has RSVP'd for herself, my cousin, and another woman's name that I don't recognize. Maybe she thought since originally I had allotted 3 spots for her party, she gets to bring another person?

Would it be totally insensitive of me to do the usual in the unexpected +1 situation, where you call and let the person know that unfortunately due to restrictions on the venue size you will be unable to accommodate additional guests? Was it wrong of me in the first place to invite an additional person as a result of having a slightly smaller guest list than expected?

aperitisa · May 2010

I would allow the guest to come. This may be the first time that she has gone to a big event without her spouse and needs the extra support. We have a similar situation with a friend of the family, and we are going to offer her a guest.

danieliza1127 · May 2010

Being that she is your Aunt, I'm guessing she will know plenty of people at the wedding? I think you did the right thing and it's fine for you to call her and let her know you can't accommodate the uninvited guest. It's not like she's coming alone and won't know anyone.

spinner84 · May 2010

I would let it go in this case.

mandybear7 · May 2010

Let the aunt bring her friend. Her husband has passed away and you would have wanted him to come. I don't understand the budget constraints and neither will your aunt.

Calumet · May 2010

It wasn't wrong of you to invite her alone/with cousin, and you are within your rights to call her and explain your space limitations.

BUT under these circumstances, I'd let it go. Unless you think it would start a cascade of family adding random extras.

laurenclaire1386 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_delicate-1-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a50a215a-baed-43ae-a71b-150b0127ade6Post:e547907c-c025-4293-8443-e09a973f933a">Re: Delicate +1 situation</a>:
[QUOTE]Being that she is your Aunt, I'm guessing she will know plenty of people at the wedding? I think you did the right thing and it's fine for you to call her and let her know you can't accommodate the uninvited guest. It's not like she's coming alone and won't know anyone.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]
I agree. She's got her daughter with her and she's at a family function. I think you're well within your right to call.

andyandhillary · May 2010

I would just let it go. Has every single person RSVPed yes? Are you able to make this one exception? I certainly would if I could.

pooh8402 · May 2010

I'd let it go.

danieliza1127 · May 2010

I should add, if you have room for this one person, I would let it go. We had a couple people write in dates and since we'd had some declines, we just let it go and let them come. If you don't have the room though, I stick with my original advice which is that you are within your rights to call her.

ohwhynot · May 2010

Exactly what Calumet said. You wouldn't be wrong in calling her and declining the +1, but it would be kind to allow the +1, if you are able to do so.

karbar42 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_delicate-1-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a50a215a-baed-43ae-a71b-150b0127ade6Post:ad8827ac-2072-4efd-bfba-d4ff43f0387f">Delicate +1 situation</a>:
[QUOTE]My uncle died unexpectedly a few months ago, and so the invitation I sent to my aunt included only her name and her daughters name (originally it would have been the three of them, of course). Now she has RSVP'd for herself, my cousin, and another woman's name that I don't recognize. Maybe she thought since originally I had allotted 3 spots for her party, she gets to bring another person? Would it be totally insensitive of me to do the usual in the unexpected +1 situation, where you call and let the person know that unfortunately due to restrictions on the venue size you will be unable to accommodate additional guests? <strong>Was it wrong of me in the first place to invite an additional person as a result of having a slightly smaller guest list than expected?
</strong>Posted by damaless[/QUOTE]

This makes it sound to me that you have invited someone additional in that spot already and that's why you are stressing over it. Did anyone else decline, or is your budget/venue size flexible enough to allow for this additional guest?

While your wedding is a happy day for you, it will likely be a reminder to her that she lost her husband, and it might be really difficult for her. If you can, allow her to bring her friend.

damaless · May 2010

I agree that it's possible that she wants extra support at the wedding, which is fair. We went on a vacation together along with some other family and she brought a friend along there too. However, what I am confused about is that there are several close friends of hers (such as the one she brought on vacation) who I know, whereas I don't know the person she has listed.

I also just called my mom to ask who the woman is, and my mom said that my aunt called her and asked about adding her to the RSVP, and my mom decided to OK it without checking with me on the status of the other RSVPs and whether we would have room. So I am not at all annoyed with my aunt - apparently she did call and check with someone - but I am a little bit annoyed with my mom for OKing it without even bothering to give me a heads up.

Moneypenny424 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_delicate-1-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a50a215a-baed-43ae-a71b-150b0127ade6Post:86bf6173-8102-45c1-a32d-324fbd7d08b6">Re: Delicate +1 situation</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree that it's possible that she wants extra support at the wedding, which is fair. We went on a vacation together along with some other family and she brought a friend along there too. However, what I am confused about is that there are several close friends of hers (such as the one she brought on vacation) who I know, whereas I don't know the person she has listed. I also just called my mom to ask who the woman is, and my mom said that my aunt called her and asked about adding her to the RSVP, and my mom decided to OK it without checking with me on the status of the other RSVPs and whether we would have room. So I am not at all annoyed with my aunt - apparently she did call and check with someone - but I am a little bit annoyed with my mom for OKing it without even bothering to give me a heads up.
Posted by damaless[/QUOTE]

Ugh, that's annoying. I hope the extra person won't create any issues here!

melissamc2 · May 2010

With the follow-up you gave - yeah...I'd let it go. Your Aunt checked (although, unless your Mom is heavily involved in the planning of the wedding, or in charge of RSVPs, I think she should have called you directly) and it was approved. Unless you're at maximum capacity at your venue, one person shouldn't really change much of anything.

Good luck and congratulations!

damaless · May 2010

Yeah I am not considering telling her she can't bring the guest at this point. I am considering making it clearer to my mom that since the RSVPs are coming to my house and I am the one keeping track of the number of guests there will be, she should check with me before telling people it is okay to bring extras. For instance, I am inviting a family of 6 (two parents, four daughters, some of them grown), and if all of the daughters bring guests, that is a lot of extra people.

danieliza1127 · May 2010

Yeah, you definitely need to let your Mom know that's not okay and not to do it again, in a nice way obviously.

[Deleted User] · May 2010

You'd be within your right to decline the +1, but in this case I'd say let it go. She likely needs a friend to lean on, even when surrounded by family sometimes what you need is a close girlfriend by your side.

katiepoppy · May 2010

Thank goodness you checked with your mom before calling her! That would have been super awkward.

damaless · May 2010

Definitely! But yeah, I wouldn't have called her without calling my mom first, because I know she is the type to do stuff like this without letting me know. At least one of us knows to check with the other before taking action! :P

PetraStonegirl · May 2010

It occurs to me that sometimes family functions can be even harder to cope with after the loss of someone so close to you, than non-family functions. She may be bringing her friend for the sole purpose of running interference when the well-meaning family members are pressing in to inquire as to how she's holding up. I would accommodate the friend, and make a point of learning her name for the seating chart.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2010

I'd allow the guest to come. It's surprising (I'm not inviting my aunt to my wedding with a guest, as her husband died last September and she's traveling with my dad - her brother - and her daughter, son-in-law and grandson are also invited). I wouldn't expect a recently widowed person to bring a guest. But I'd really let it go.

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