Oh, FMIL... Advice? (long)

cupcake_rampage · November 2009

Short version: My FMIL is an obnoxious, passive-aggresive, infantilizing person, and we have to spend Thanksgiving with her, even though my fiance doesn't want to. Is my only option being super sweet, even though she doesn't like me anyway, for no apparent reason?

Long version: Lest you think my family members are the only crazies I have to deal with, I'm joining the "my FMIL is BSC club." Actually, sometimes I feel like President of that club. Some of the gems I've dealt with over the years:

- she told my fiance (then boyfriend of 6 months) that she didn't like me and that I said rude things to her whenever he left the room. um, no.

- she likes to passive-aggressively bring things up around the dinner table as "innocent information," that is really criticism of how my fiance or I are running our lives.

- she tries to treats my fiance like he's a child - and did I mention she still likes to buy him underwear? it creeps us out.

That might not sound too bad, but I'm giving you the oversimplified version, seriously. Nothing works. Being direct is met with confusion or she'll completely ignore it, or try to guilt trip him.

We're spending Thanksgiving there, despite the fact that my fiance doesn't even want to go. I'm nervous about Christmas, because she seriously acts like he's 5 and I end up feeling like a child around her, too, and he hates it as much as I do. Any suggestions for how I/we should deal with the holidays this year? We're already not seeing her on Christmas Day, but I'm afraid she'll just do the whole shebang when we do go over there...

mwhitson14 · November 2009

If your FI doesn't want to go, and you don't want to go, can you skip it? Make up another event that you have to attend? I don't know, I like to avoid things, ha.

nda_roxybabe · November 2009

I reccommend a lot of alcohol..
I hate holidays with T's sister.

anna.oskar · November 2009

If your FI doesn't want to go and you obviously don't want to go, why are you going?

tidetravel · November 2009

I suggest your FI grow a pair of balls.

Seriously, he's the one that's allowing her to run rampant over the both of you. YOUR only option is to play nice. It's not his only option though.

By him not confronting her head on, he's only putting the both of you in a position that neither of you are comfortable in. Its a position that you're going to have to get used to if he doesn't stand up to her.

aMrsin09 · November 2009

I found the solution to this a long time ago. I moved at least four states away from both sides of the family. Holidays consisted of two phone calls home and one of us would host an "orphans" dinner for everyone who stayed in town.

cupcake_rampage · November 2009

That's the thing, though, Tide. He DOES confront her, has in the past many times. He's tried being assertive, being nice, being aggressive, yelling at her. Nothing works permanently.

The best I can tell, we're going over there for two reasons: A. he thinks it's easier to spend an afternoon with her than having her call/email him a dozen times yelling or complaining or whining, even if he could just hangup/ignore her, and B. I think he would feel guilty just never seeing her - she lives a half hour away, and we see my family all.the.time.

I'm liking the alcohol idea, though...

BecW2be · November 2009

Two words: Swine Flu.

anna.oskar · November 2009

I like Bec. Her ideas are good too.

aMrsin09 · November 2009

In all honesty, since you say FI has tried the common methods, is to just cut her off.

When she gets off and running, FI needs to say, "Mom, we will not tolerate that behavior and if you do it again, we will leave, hang up, delete/not respond to emails, etc" and then when she does it again, repeat it and hang up or get up and leave.

cupcake_rampage · November 2009

Is it bad that I almost would rather be home with the flu than go over there? Meh...

cupcake_rampage · November 2009

aMrs, that is exactly what we would like to do. But whenever he brings up what she's doing, she will completely go all innocent, like "what do you mean I'm doing x? I'm only trying to give you information/advice/make sure you're happy," blah, blah, blah whatever it is. It's like she's COMPLETELY clueless about how she's being passive-aggressive and critical.

So it's like... he could say it, and she would have "no idea" what he was talking about. This is why nothing ever works.

ac_in_dc · November 2009

Just drink a lot.

You don't have to be super-sweet or anything like that. Just be civil.

Is anyone else going to be there? Can you distract yourself with kids, pets, or TV? Those are usually my coping strategies. Or maybe play cards or something? Then you don't have to talk about awkward shiit.

ac_in_dc · November 2009

Also, I think both you & FI should try to distance yourselves emotionally and physically from her, if you don't think confronting her will work. Don't let her get under your skin!!

cupcake_rampage · November 2009

Meh, yes and no. It's sort of a "ignore the dog, turn off the TV during dinner" household. She apparently told him that as soon as we wake up and get dressed, we should come on over - ha ha. Yeah, right. We'll be there at dinnertime, thanks.

Also, you're totally right about the distancing thing. I used to get super pissed and anxious, but I kind of try to just let it roll off my back now. My fiance is also getting much, much better about it, and seeing her much less often, not engaging her on certain topics. It's better for sure, but I also don't see why we're going when he doesn't even want to...

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · November 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_oh-fmil-advice-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d7e7623-483e-4dd8-a273-fbdba7a843dcPost:2d874787-7d75-489c-a2d3-0f03ec33ca8e">Re: Oh, FMIL... Advice? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]aMrs, that is exactly what we would like to do. But whenever he brings up what she's doing, she will completely go all innocent, like "what do you mean I'm doing x? I'm only trying to give you information/advice/make sure you're happy," blah, blah, blah whatever it is. It's like she's COMPLETELY clueless about how she's being passive-aggressive and critical. So it's like... he could say it, and she would have "no idea" what he was talking about. This is why nothing ever works.
Posted by cupcake_rampage[/QUOTE]

She knows what she's doing. He needs to tell her, "Yes, you know. Or figure it out and call me back in a few days." Or else he needs to rationally explain exactly what she just said, why it's unacceptible, and that she needs to learn to not do it. She needs to take responsibility for her actions and he needs to hold her to that accountability.

tidetravel · November 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_oh-fmil-advice-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d7e7623-483e-4dd8-a273-fbdba7a843dcPost:207941bd-0ad0-46ea-8462-f44c86bde1b9">Re: Oh, FMIL... Advice? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In all honesty, since you say FI has tried the common methods, is to just cut her off. When she gets off and running, FI needs to say, "Mom, we will not tolerate that behavior and if you do it again, we will leave, hang up, delete/not respond to emails, etc" and then when she does it again, repeat it and hang up or get up and leave.
Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]

That sucks Cupcake. She's obviously manipulative. I agree w/ AMrs though. He needs to call her bluff. If he refuses to indulge her manipulations, she will have no other choice than to stop. It may not change her thoughts/opinions, but it should change her willingness to voice them.

cupcake_rampage · November 2009

Okay, well, thanks you guys.

I will definitely pass on the advice, and I think he'll probably go ahead and try a couple of different things to see if anything works.

Oh and, of course, we'll be picking our battles. Some things we just kind of roll our eyes at, or he'll ignore the comment and won't take the bait. I'm actually read proud that he's able to do that now instead of engaging her on every.little.comment.

I guess even though it's silly, it still stings to know that she told him she doesn't like me. I have been nothing but really sweet and nice to her. She hasn't even really seen my bitchy side, so I have no clue what it would be she doesn't like, and no one else who knows me understands either...

BecW2be · November 2009

I'm betting you can't call her bluff, because she pretends she has no idea what you're talking about, and then turns it into you're overreacting and she's not meaning anything out of the way, right? That's how my EXMIL was, and I hated her.

Again, don't put on make up, lay around the house all day with FI and say you have swine flu. Then try to move out of state by Christmas!

cupcake_rampage · November 2009

YES Bec, exactly right. It drives us up the wall, and unfortunately for her, she really has been driving her own son further and further away from her. The thing is, she wants to blame him (and, we think, me, even though she won't say it outright), but it's too bad because the more she blames others, the less he wants to see her.

We really don't want to move out of state, or at least not permanently. We love where we live, and there's no way we want to live far away from my family (as BSC crazy as they can be) or his best friend, who is more like a brother to him. Unfortunately that means living close to her, but if she doesn't watch out, it's not going to matter how close she is. Sad for her.

steffenfam · November 2009

You can respond with questions: Why do you ask? Why do you think it's bad if we eat dinner out 3 times a week? Why do you think it's bad if we get a dog? Why shouldn't we buy a new car? Why do you still buy FI his underwear? Why "fill in the blank"?

cupcake_rampage · November 2009

Steffenfam, I would love to hear the answer to the whyyyy does she buy him underwear one. Haha, that was good food a laugh. Whenever he asks her a question like one of those, like why she doesn't like me, for example, she never has an answer. He tells me that she usually just doesn't say anything, and then there's an awkward silence.

But. I do think that's a good idea, and even though it might not get her to stop, it might be fun for an evening. Just ask her questions repeatedly. I'd either end up flustering/frustrating her or getting her to admit she's being PA. Either way, fun.

LesaBear · November 2009

I have a very similar problem. She’s passive-aggressive, mean, and plays the sympathy card if anyone calls her out on it. It no longer bothers my FI; he just lets her talk and doesn’t respond. After knowing her for 5 years and getting along pretty well she turned on we after we got engaged. After trying to talk to her and FI I had to cut her off. I avoid her at all costs, don’t answer her calls and throw her mail in the trash. Sounds mean but when I do have to see her I simply smile and when she says really mean things such as FI and I won’t even be together by the time of the wedding so we shouldn’t let people make reservations, I simply walk away from her. She knows what she’s doing so why feed into it? I’m letting FI go visit her on his own on Thanksgiving and will probably be dipping into the alcohol to make it through Christmas. I feel your pain!

Oh, FMIL... Advice? (long)

Re: Oh, FMIL... Advice? (long)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards