Bridesmaid duties

3610Collins · January 2010

I am the bride and am getting married in five weeks! I had a 13 month engagement and have three bridesmaids. One of the original bridesmaids couldn't do it so I asked a friend in August. I basically have gotten NO help from my bridesmaids! They don't live super close but could offer to come up for a weekend to help. My MOH will drop anything for her on again off again bf of 2 years, but to drop a weekend and help me, hasn't happened. I have been doing ALL of the planning of the wedding myself. I've been super stressed and the idea of destination weddings seemed more and more ideal. My fiance helped me print my invites and I did ALL of the stuffing, stamps, and the little parts that go with the the 220 invitations. My bridesmaids constantly call me and ask "when are the dresses coming in?" In my head im screaming, 'you ordered them! call yourself! I have enough to worry about'. My MOH completely slacked and basically my mom last minute had to plan my shower (my MOH also asked to change the date of the shower with less than a month to go bc she wanted to go to her bf/ booty call's dad's birthday). My mom was stressed to the max that she had to basically plan my shower. only my MOH showed to the shower. One BM had a good exscuse not to come, the other is just being a horrible BM. And now with two weeks to the bachelorette they still dont know where they're going. Basically I feel like my wedding party isn't even helping! They're focusing on the bachelorette more than anything and I'd like help with the actual wedding! So, with this said, is it acceptable to make them REALLY step it up the day of the wedding by making them to things they should've done all along? I really need help with cleaning after the wedding (nothing like scrubbing floors, more so like picking things up) is it acceptable to have my bridesmaids stay after to help clean up? They literally have not helped me with one ounce of planning. I feel like the day of they're going to be next to me getting married with their dresses on and people are going to think they helped, how annoying! I'm in no way a bridezilla, i have not asked them to spend tons of money, or take weeks off of their life to help me, but I would like them to overcompensate the day and night of the wedding by actually helping me get things done. Is this acceptable? what are exact roles of bridesmaids besides looking good in pictures?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · January 2010

Holy hell, you are inviting over 400 people to your wedding?

I'm in no way a bridezilla

The rest of your post proves that statement false.

No one is responsible for planning your unnecessary party except you and your fiance.

[Deleted User] · January 2010

megk8oz , your post made me laugh. Becuase it's just so very, very true.

duckie1905 · January 2010

Awww, I feel SOOOOOOOOO bad that you had to do all the the work for YOUR wedding on your own.

You should lay down the law and make sure those b!tches step up. Don't they understand that you are the BRIDE?! You are a unique and beautiful person and don't deserve to ruin your manicure and waste your time on mundane tasks like stuffing invites when you could be at the spa, being pampered to relieve all your wedding stress.

WAAAAAAAAAAA!

lyndausvi · January 2010

Paragraphs please...

Anyway. My BMs didn't do anything. They all live a plane ride away, so I'm not sure what they could have done anyway. DH, my parents (paying) and myself planned the wedding. As it should have been.

As far as stepping it up, No you can not ASK them to step it up. I've been a BM many, many times and I've never helped with planning months and weeks out from the wedding (there was not expectation to either). That said, myself and the other BM always helped in the DAYS leading up to the wedding (if available) without prompting from the bride.

trix1223 · January 2010

Oh my goodness, darlin'. There is so much wrong with your post, and that doesn't even include the lack of punctution, paragraphs, or sentence structure.

To summarize all of the other wise ladies whose posts have preceded mine:

If you and your FI can't plan your own wedding, you either need to hire a PAID wedding planner, or scale back to something that's manageable for the two of you.

BMs should never have been chosen for what they can do for you. The other ladies have told you what your expectations SHOULD be for the women you asked to stand with you.

Here's what they don't have to do: dress shop for your dress, make favors, address envelopes, stuff envelopes, put stamps on envelopes, arrange flowers, go to tastings, visit venues, decorate the venue, clean up the venue, bake cakes, make centerpieces, plan showers, throw showers, attend showers, plan e-parties, attend e-parties, plan b-parties, throw b-parties, attend b-parties.

Here's the difference between a 'zilla and a gracious, thoughtful bride. The 'zilla DEMANDS helps and sulks, pouts and/or throws tantrums when when doesn't get it. The gracious, thoughtful bride ACCEPTS help when it is offered, and smiles and says thank you when she gets it.

Want to guess which you're headed toward? Lose the sense of entitlement that you currently have, and you and everyone else around you will be far, far happier.

emilyinchile · January 2010

Duckie, can you please explain to OP that your post was in fact sarcastic? I'm afraid it might be taken as support...

stina93446 · January 2010

[QUOTE]Awww, I feel SOOOOOOOOO bad that you had to do all the the work for YOUR wedding on your own.
<div>Posted by duckie1905[/QUOTE]
This! And yes, it was TOTALLY sarcastic!</div>

bablingbrooke · January 2010

I guess you don't care about having any friends left AFTER the wedding? Because this is sure to leave you friendless.

If you wanted someone else to plan your wedding, you should have hired a wedding planner.

jeannigirl · January 2010

All I can say is OMG. Yes this is totally bridezilla territory. I love the way these girls put it mindly to you. TAKE their advice and grow up and hire a WP or get your man off his bum and help you stuff those envelopes and what ever else needs to be done.

krmabojo · January 2010

WHAT THE F***?!?!

You have got to be joking me. This is THE craziest thing that I have read on one of these message boards.

IT IS YOUR WEDDING YOU AND YOUR FI DO THE PLANNING. IF YOU WANTED HELP YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A WEDDING PLANNER.

The BMs have not "duties" expect get the dress, show up and smile. Anything else they do is extra and on their own!

You claim you are not a Bridezilla... Ha!

mrsamyjones · January 2010

zilla...read all posts above

done.

duckie1905 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaid-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:8e64437a-053d-44af-8c12-5d2d16b50dfbPost:b1478e55-6eb7-49ff-9709-43d645b2b01c">Re: Bridesmaid duties</a>:
[QUOTE]Duckie, can you please explain to OP that your post was in fact sarcastic? I'm afraid it might be taken as support...
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

<div>So sad that we live in a world where there are people that would actually take my comment as support. :)</div><div>
</div><div>OP-you are acting like a brat. My post was sarcasm. I'm surprised you have friends at all with your HUUUUGE sense of entitlement.</div>

agk0125 · January 2010

Yowza. You can ask your bridesmaids nicely to help you, but you can't in any way require them to help you. The end.

Blueyed228 · January 2010

Sarah, I think you are mistaken. Look up the sites. They all say that its a bridesmaids DUTY to help out. I have actually never heard of the BM NOT helping. If their only duty was to show up and smile for pictures Id just hire pretty stand-ins.

http://www.a-bridesmaid.com/bridesmaids.html

http://www.bridesmaid101.com/bridesmaid_planning.html

http://www.dessy.com/wedding-planner/brides-guide/

http://www.countybride.co.uk/bath/wedding_etiquette/roles_duties/

Maybe its where I am from, but really. If someone asked me to be a BM id plan on running errands, helping with favors, invitations etc. She is not asking people to PLAN her wedding, she is just asking her BM's (who accepted the role) to help out.

I mean, its not like she is asking them to scrub toliets at the ceremony or mop floors, or even contribute money. She is just asking for help and support. If my BM's dont offer to help Ill be pissed.

SarahPLiz · January 2010

We are going to have to agree to disagree, then. I think those are traditional roles a BM might play, but to expect them is only setting yourself up for disappointment.

FWIW, my attendants are on opposite sides of the country and I am in the middle. I saw them at Christmas and won't see them again until the day before the wedding. If I had all these expectations of them, I would be severely disappointed and feel very neglected. However, I don't expect anything of them besides being my closest friends and supporting my union with FI. I have other local friends who aren't BMs who have offerred to help me with wedding related things because they like party planning. I haven't asked them to help with anything yet, but because they have offerred, I won't feel bad asking if I do need help. I would always ask FI first, though, because its our wedding to plan and execute.

I would never expect someone to do my work, though, in any situation.

duckie1905 · January 2010

I don't like to help with weddings and have been a BM many times so I guess now you've heard of a BM that never helps.

Not every woman gushes over weddings and not every woman has the time or inclination to spend their free time doing grunt work. I'm happy to support the bride in other ways, but I fail to see how helping the bride with her responsibilities (favors, invites) makes me a better friend.

I didn't even like planning my own wedding that much (and, no, my BMs didn't help either, other than pick out their dress and show up at the wedding). So, there are more BMs that didn't help and that was fine, and how I preferred it.

Not everyone cares to help with wedding planning. It isn't my job as a bride's friend to help her plan her wedding. If she needs that much help, she needs to hire a wedding planner. I don't care what wedding websites say I'm supposed to do. It isn't about "etiquette." I'm not a rude person because I didn't lick 200 invites for my friend's wedding last September.

jennylove810 · January 2010

Through all this, I am wondering.. how exactly will the OP "require" her BMs to do anything? FWIW, I'm a grown woman, and if one of my friends "required" me to clean up after her party, well... let's just say I wouldn't be shy about leaving the party when I was good and ready, janitorial requirements be d@mned!

bablingbrooke · January 2010

Blueyed, do you believe EVERYTHING you read on the internet?

Blueyed228 · January 2010

In Response to Re: Bridesmaid duties:

Blueyed, do you believe EVERYTHING you read on the internet?
Posted by bablingbrooke

Not at all brooke. Im just saying that BM's should help. Not do the brides job, but help. Everyone is acting like licking a few envelopes and tying a few favors is slave labor. All the times I have done it, we have made it fun. All of the brides closest friends, a few bottles of wine, etc. Your BM's are supposed to be your friends, and your friends are supposed to want to help.

Would you really want your best friends cleaning up her reception hall after her wedding? Or would you want her and her new husband to have no worries?

Maybe OP cant afford a wedding planner.

I am also curious to know if all the brides who didnt expect a thing from their BM's still gave them a gift for being in the wedding.

All I'm saying is you guys are crucifying this girl because she is disappointed that her BM's only concern is looking sexy on her day. I think her being upset is fair.

duckie1905 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaid-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:8e64437a-053d-44af-8c12-5d2d16b50dfbPost:8d5f1651-9201-4160-90a4-38b888028199">Re: Bridesmaid duties</a>:
[QUOTE]Not at all brooke. Im just saying that BM's should help. Not do the brides job, but help. Everyone is acting like licking a few envelopes and tying a few favors is slave labor. All the times I have done it, we have made it fun. All of the brides closest friends, a few bottles of wine, etc. Your BM's are supposed to be your friends, and your friends are supposed to want to help. Would you really want your best friends cleaning up her reception hall after her wedding? Or would you want her and her new husband to have no worries? Maybe OP cant afford a wedding planner. I am also curious to know if all the brides who didnt expect a thing from their BM's still gave them a gift for being in the wedding. All I'm saying is you guys are crucifying this girl because she is disappointed that her BM's only concern is looking sexy on her day. I think her being upset is fair.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

Even drunk, I don't think licking invites is fun. I don't think making favors is fun. I don't find it interesting to go dress shopping or help pick out flowers or attend meetings, or get newsletters or one of the million other things that wedding websites tell you a good BM should do.

I'm glad you have fun doing these things but it isn't my idea of fun. My idea would be a bottle of wine and a movie with the invites completely out the picture. And yes, if she doesn't have anyone to clean I think she should do it herself instead of being with her new husband and having no worries. Her wedding, her responsibility to clean, even if it means they get back to their room or house later. With that being said, if the bride and groom were going to help, I'd pitch in too. But, if they can't be bothered to do the work they ask others to do-cya lata sister.

Yes, I bought all of my BMs gifts. I bought them gifts because I love them and they were emotionally supportive. I gave my BMs the option to wear any black dress (even if they already owned it) but I think they all spent their money to buy a dress and I know all traveled they spent their time to attend the wedding. They deserve a gift for just that. I don't base the gifts I give my friends by how much they do for me but on the fact that they are there for me. Being there for me does not equal licking envelops.

Blueyed, I'm thrilled that you like to help and that you have BMs that want to help. But, not all women are like that, and that is something you need to understand. I'd much rather be a friend than be a helper, and the two are not dependent on each other.

banana468 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaid-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:8e64437a-053d-44af-8c12-5d2d16b50dfbPost:8d5f1651-9201-4160-90a4-38b888028199">Re: Bridesmaid duties</a>:
[QUOTE] Not at all brooke. Im just saying that BM's should help. Not do the brides job, but help. Everyone is acting like licking a few envelopes and tying a few favors is slave labor. All the times I have done it, we have made it fun. All of the brides closest friends, a few bottles of wine, etc. Your BM's are supposed to be your friends, and your friends are supposed to want to help. <strong>Would you really want your best friends cleaning up her reception hall after her wedding? Or would you want her and her new husband to have no worries? </strong>Maybe OP cant afford a wedding planner. I am also curious to know if all the brides who didnt expect a thing from their BM's still gave them a gift for being in the wedding. All I'm saying is you guys are crucifying this girl because she is disappointed that her BM's only concern is looking sexy on her day. I think her being upset is fair.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

First Brooke, if you're going to post on what a bridesmaid duty is going to be, at least get it from wedding experts. Even Emily post will say that mulitple things you reference are not duties. The only time that anything will become a duty is if the BM chooses to take that on. It's NOT the BMs responsibility to be a second wedding planner or to host a shower UNLESS the BM volunteers.

Being a great friend works both ways. When you're a BM, your friend the bride should be acting as a good friend to you rather than expecting that you'll do somethings referenced on a website.

And a BM acting as a cleanup person? No freakin' way. At the end of a reception, the BMs get to go home. It's up to the couple or the hosts to figure out who will be on cleanup duty and those people should be PAID.

banana468 · January 2010

To add: I can't imagine wanting my friends to do things that were up to ME to do. I didn't even lick my own envelopes (Hello sponge!) but DH and I put the effort into our wedding to make sure it's something that we loved.

I think the OP has to remember that her BMs are not hired help and it's not even remotely appropriate to treat them that way. That some aren't showing up to other events makes me wonder if there are deeper issues going on as well.

However the way that the OP should deal with this is to see what sort of things she can do to help smooth things over with her friends - to tell them that they need to step things up is in poor taste - and it may lead to some larger issues than she wanted.

[Deleted User] · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaid-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:8e64437a-053d-44af-8c12-5d2d16b50dfbPost:7940281d-3ba3-4aa7-84aa-676b616dd633">Re: Bridesmaid duties</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't like to help with weddings and have been a BM many times so I guess now you've heard of a BM that never helps. Not every woman gushes over weddings and not every woman has the time or inclination to spend their free time doing grunt work. I'm happy to support the bride in other ways, but I fail to see how helping the bride with her responsibilities (favors, invites) makes me a better friend. I didn't even like planning my own wedding that much (and, no, my BMs didn't help either, other than pick out their dress and show up at the wedding). So, there are more BMs that didn't help and that was fine, and how I preferred it. Not everyone cares to help with wedding planning. It isn't my job as a bride's friend to help her plan her wedding. If she needs that much help, she needs to hire a wedding planner. I don't care what wedding websites say I'm supposed to do. It isn't about "etiquette." I'm not a rude person because I didn't lick 200 invites for my friend's wedding last September.
Posted by duckie1905[/QUOTE]

I'm with you, I am barely excited about planning my own wedding, so I'd never put this stress on my MOH (I don't have any BMs). And wedding planners are too expensive. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy picking out the decorations and am very excited about the wedding itself, but planning sucks when you have to work and do everything else at the same time.

I also don't see how it is the BM's duty to help with invitations, favors, or especially cleaning up afterwards. Proper "etiquette" is highly overrated when it comes to things like that. It seems like etiquette turns brides into bridezillas and BMs into girls who no longer like the bride.

I would likely be my MOH's MOH for her wedding, and honestly, I in no way would look forward to planning showers, parties, or anything else (especially since I'm not having any and have never been a BM, so I'd be lost). Weddings don't get me all excited.

Blueyed228 · January 2010

Duckie, Like I said, Maybe OP is not as fortunate as you are and could not afford a wedding planner. Its easy to throw stones when you did not have the experience that she is having.

OP also said that they are not there for her emotionally either. To me, that is no sign of a good friend. She did say that she would be cleaning up afterwards by herself, and that she hopes they will help.

Of course its our wedding, therefore we need to do the brunt of it ourselves. The poor girl was just looking for some support from somewhere. I dont expect my BM's to do anything, but them being my friends have already offered to help in any way to make the process fun and stress free. That is what good friends do.

If friends dont want to help, or find it annoying when asked to lift a finger should re-evaluate accepting the role of a bridesmaid. They didnt go along with her dress choice. From what she is saying their only concern is what they are wearing.

They didnt even help with her shower. Thats lame. It didnt have to be a financial contribution, but not even offering to help her mom set up, or help with opening the gifts etc is selfish. If they are only there to eat the food and drink the alcohol, then maybe they should just be guests.

If someone asked me to be in their wedding and I had ZERO intentions of offering any sort of assistance, I would make that known upfront.

Blueyed228 · January 2010

And if my BM's didnt bother to show up to my shower, and didnt have a good excuse, then they would be out. No question.

banana468 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaid-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:8e64437a-053d-44af-8c12-5d2d16b50dfbPost:2b426796-4469-4e8f-8a5f-62dc84693ebe">Re: Bridesmaid duties</a>:
[QUOTE]And if my BM's didnt bother to show up to my shower, and didnt have a good excuse, then they would be out. No question.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

As if your wedding is some kind of educational program that you apply to get into and from which "the administration" will remove you if you don't perform?

Wow. Just wow.

Blueyed228 · January 2010

Banana: Really? You think its completly ok for BM's to not bother showing up at all to the shower? By your pic it seems you are already married. Did your BM's blow your shower off?

I guess that makes it ok in your book for guests to not bother showing up to your wedding without telling you too. Or maybe the BM's just decide to show up late or not at all to the wedding. Thats ok too?

Maybe where Im from friendship means something else. My friends would never do that, nor would I to them. My friends are excited as hell for my wedding, as I was for them, and we are making the whole process fun. I have never in my life heard of BM's not giving a crap about the bride or making her day special.

bablingbrooke · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaid-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:8e64437a-053d-44af-8c12-5d2d16b50dfbPost:126d76c0-e0bc-4020-9fa9-09b21bde6430">Re: Bridesmaid duties</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid duties : First Brooke, if you're going to post on what a bridesmaid duty is going to be, at least get it from wedding experts. Even Emily post will say that mulitple things you reference are not duties. The only time that anything will become a duty is if the BM chooses to take that on. It's NOT the BMs responsibility to be a second wedding planner or to host a shower UNLESS the BM volunteers. Being a great friend works both ways. When you're a BM, your friend the bride should be acting as a good friend to you rather than expecting that you'll do somethings referenced on a website. And a BM acting as a cleanup person? No freakin' way. At the end of a reception, the BMs get to go home. It's up to the couple or the hosts to figure out who will be on cleanup duty and those people should be PAID.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Banana, why did you address that to me? I'm on your side here~

</div>

bablingbrooke · January 2010

And btw, Blueyed, none of my BMs (all OOT) could make it to my shower or RD because of work. They were still wonderful BMs and wonderful friends. Their lack of attendance at a party meant nothing. It didn't ruin my wedding. There were so many people at the shower anyway I barely noticed who wasn't there.

banana468 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaid-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:8e64437a-053d-44af-8c12-5d2d16b50dfbPost:e5f0c793-4083-46f4-9fb0-9000c6acdc93">Re: Bridesmaid duties</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid duties : Banana, why did you address that to me? I'm on your side here~
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]
My fault! I quoted the wrong name. Gah.

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