September 2012 Weddings

A QUESTION FROM THE SOON TO BE HUSBAND

So, this is a question from my fiance that he needs help with. He asked "Bob" to be his best man. Now he has known "Bob" since he was little. They hung out all the time and were inseparable. He considered "Bob" to be his best friend. He says that Bob always got them into trouble. (but thats something that kids do) now that they are older, Bob has been drinking a lot, doing hardcore drugs and is a pathological liar. My fiance doesnt even consider him to be his friend anymore and is constantly embarassed by his actions. He asked him to be his best man bc he thought thats what you do...choose the person youve been friends with the longest. Well, last night my fiance and I went out with a bunch of people including Bob. Bob was belligerantlly drunk, stumbling all over, calling his dealers for crack. And he eventually got kicked out of the bar because he was grabbing a guys crotch and called the waitress a c***. Frankly, we were embarassed. Now my fiance wants to boot him as the best man and boot him from the wedding completely. The best man is suppose to be someone you look up to, someone you "love" and that represents you. Or at least thats what we think. So his question is...how should he do it? He has a big fear over telling him on the phone but doesnt want to seem like a coward if he texts him. Thanks so much!

Re: A QUESTION FROM THE SOON TO BE HUSBAND

  • This is a tough situation. Kicking someone out of your wedding party is almost always a friendship ending move. Your FI needs to sit down and figure out if he still wants this person in his life. Sometimes friendships are toxic and need to be ended, yes. But this is also his oldest friend. This is something your FI will need to decide. And if one of my oldest friends was acting like this, I'd be really, really worried. Maybe he needs professional help?
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  • Someone who is in your wedding party is someone who is "standing up for you" Someone who you trust to nurture the relationship and who you trust their oppinion and value their friendship. This BOB guy sounds like a jackass, who needs to go to rehab. Your FI should have a talk with him either he cleans up his act or his out!
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  • Thanks for responding! I told him what you all said, he said that he doesnt even consider Bob to be his friend anymore. They used to be but it all has changed. And I guess Bob went to rehab once and jhas even been in and out of jail and even went to prison once. And if my FI asked him to "clean up" or hes out, he said that Bob would say he would (bc he has said it before) but really wouldnt. hes also worried that Bob would end up not even showing up to the wedding. He doesnt know how to end it...

  • Wow. This sounds like a similar situation that my FI is in (but thankfully, he hasn't asked him to be the best man). Like PPs said, if he doesn't mind possibly ending the whole friendship, then tell him he's out. Maybe he could send an email and not feel so "cowardly"? They aren't nearly as bad as texts.
  • edited February 2012
    If he doesn't want Bob as a friend, then I guess how he cuts him doesn't matter. I would probably approach it this way-
    "Listen Bob... your actions of late have been disrespectful, embarrassing, and inexcuseable. I haven't been able to trust you in a long time because of how you've been acting recently and I need a best man I can trust. I'm sorry. My lovely FI and I agree that if you want to be a guest at our wedding then please get some help and get clean."

    I don't really know how cautious you should be around someone who is under the influence (I've seen Intervention and some of them are MEAN and paranoid) but just use your best judgment and I guess offer some help if he asks for it??? I can only imagine that this information will be hard on him.
  • If he removes Bob from the wedding, which is his right to do, he should not expect Bob to want to be friends anymore.  Bob would have a right to be very offended, even though he sounds totally out of control.
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  • UPDATE! So my FI told Bob that he is oput. basically said that his recent actions make us uneasy about him being a best man, yet alone in the wedding at all. We want everyone including uurselves and family to remember the wedding and how great it is. I would hate if they all remember "that drunk guy" when they first think of our wedding. Bob ended up being very hurt (which was expected) and angry. He is pretty much pointing the fingers back at my FI stating that he is making a bad choice. he said he wasnt even planning on drinking more than 4 beers at the wedding. Maybe he believes that, but I am 99% sure that the day of the wedding he will have loads more. I mean we are having an open bar! So in other news, my FI was actually thinking of asking his dad to be best man. We wanted to get some opinions on this. The way my FI thinks is that a best man should be someone you respect and look up to, someone who is a reflection of yourself, someone who who also respects you. I think its super sweet and I think and hope is dad will be honored. What is your opinion?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_a-question-from-the-soon-to-be-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:8db20465-45fc-4d81-a50a-4654b14f55caPost:8714be32-aca8-4beb-a745-23a10c8b74f0">Re: A QUESTION FROM THE SOON TO BE HUSBAND</a>:
    [QUOTE]If he doesn't want Bob as a friend, then I guess how he cuts him doesn't matter. I would probably approach it this way-<strong> "Listen Bob... your actions of late have been disrespectful, embarrassing, and inexcuseable. I haven't been able to trust you in a long time because of how you've been acting recently and I need a best man I can trust. I'm sorry. My lovely FI and I agree that if you want to be a guest at our wedding then please get some help and get clean."</strong> I don't really know how cautious you should be around someone who is under the influence (I've seen Intervention and some of them are MEAN and paranoid) but just use your best judgment and I guess offer some help if he asks for it??? I can only imagine that this information will be hard on him.
    Posted by caterpillar85[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think this is really great.  I think Bob is a toxic friend FI needs to dump.  You can't help people who won't help themselves and will drive yourself crazy trying.  I suggest though if FI has this convo with him in person, he takes another male friend of his and NOT you.  At their meet up you have no idea what state Bob will be in and if he's under the influence you don't know if he'll be belligerent toward FI.  If you are there he may blame you.  So just someone who has FI's back and can keep Bob calm.  I think really, since they don't have similar life choices, this friendship would just fizzle out if FI makes a point not to go where Bob is.  And Bob will be so out of it he may not even notice.  Good luck!  I think your FI is making the right call.</div>
  • My sister's husband asked his father to be his best man. I think its a sweet gesture and a decision you would never really regret. I'm glad you guys got rid of Bob, there is no way he would stick to a 4 beer min. He more than likely would do something that would ruin your wedding. Even if he didn't, you would spend the whole day worrying that he was going to do something. That is no way to spend your special day. Let us know how it goes with asking his dad!
  • His dad said YES! lol. They both looked like they were about to cry but then straightened up and started telling jokes lol
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