RD Question

LDYGTR13 · October 2010

FI has a GM who's a recovering alcoholic - he's been in AA for about 6 months. Obviously, he's invited to the rehearsal dinner - but he told us he's bringing a "date" to the dinner - a married friend of his who he's using as an "accountability partner." This is fine and dandy for the wedding, since there will be alcohol, but the rehearsal dinner will be dry. FMIL and FFIL are already paying for dinner for 30 people (10 more than they were planning on originially) - I dont want to stretch them even more. FI, FI's parents and I dont feel like this GM needs a "date" to our RD. We've never met the girl - she'd be the only one in our RD that we don't know and there shouldn't be a reason to need an "accountability partner" for a dry RD...right?

I could be crazy, honestly I dont know anything about being an alcoholic or people who ARE alcoholics - so I'm not trying to judge or be a bitch and please correct me if I'm wrong. If he DOES legitimately need this friend, I'm more than happy to allow her to come, I just feel like it's strange. What do you think?

Beachy730 · October 2010

Is this person coming from OOT? If they are an OOT guest then yes they should both be invited. But if they aren't dating, they are local, and there is no alcohol, I think you are fine to not invite her to the RD.

LDYGTR13 · October 2010

He IS coming from OOT - but the married friend he wants to bring along lives here in town...it's strange.

LDYGTR13 · October 2010

We actually didn't invite him with a guest as he has LOTS of friends who will be at the wedding and we only invited people who had S/O's to bring guests. He called and asked if he could bring this married girl to the wedding and explained why and we told him he was welcome to bring someone if it would help him. He texted FI and asked him yesterday if this girl's husband could drop her off at the RD instead of coming to the rehearsal too - we never invited her to the RD since it's dry and we didn't think he'd need her.

SOME people will have their S/O with them at the RD, but it'll be about 1/2 and 1/2. He definitely wouldn't be the only one without a date.

FI ignored his text. I'm trying to figure out what we're gonna do.

Beachy730 · October 2010

If he won't know anyone else, maybe he would prefer to have her. Also, I thought about it after I posted before, this could potentially be a situation that makes him want to drink. I'm just think if he's a depressed person that he's not married, or if he's divorced, the situation could give him feelings that make him want to drink, whether alcohol is there or not. He could always go to a bar after.

Does he know this woman? Or was it maybe a pre-arranged thing for him though AA? I'm thinking maybe they set him up with a sponsor there to stay on track or something.

I think maybe given the situation, you should just call him and ask. Explain that you weren't planning on inviting dates to the RD, and that alcohol wouldn't be served there, but you wanted to check with him if he needed to have her there as well. I think you will get a better answer asking him then asking us.

squirrly · October 2010

That's really, really strange to me. I probably wouldn't want to get into a debate with him about it and would just extend the invite to her, but it kinds of creeps me out. It is especially strange to me because she's married. To someone else. If she were single, I'd find it much less awkward.

ggirl2001 · October 2010

are other people in the WP bringing significant others and maybe he just got confused. On the addiction side, he could just be worried about the entire weekend in general and feel more comfortable with a sober friend around. I understand that the RD is dry, but to a person who is in recovery, there is a difference between another person in recovery and a person who is not drinking that day. I work as an addictions counselor, and I would suggest that you do mention to him that the RD is dry (in case he is confused).
It could also be that he is bringing her because nobody does know her and she will be at the wedding, I'm assuming seated with people she doesn't know, and he is viewing it as a chance to get to know some people? Not saying that what he is doing is right, but just offering what his perception of the situation could be..

LDYGTR13 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rd-question-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19003c38-7522-4873-aff1-849897cfe1c7Post:e86229c0-9d07-4a71-b5a8-c2aa81e8ce0c">Re: RD Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Ehh.. I would have FI talk to his parents about the pricetag and deal with his GM himself. A dry RD really doesn't offer much temptation. Unless he literally has a supervisor every second of the day to keep him from running off to the liquor store and falling off the wagon, I don't see why he needs to bring an acquaintance to the RD to keep him in line.
Posted by katelynbrian[/QUOTE]

That's what I'm thinking. And honestly, I dont understand why even our wedding would be a temptation. This guy goes to clubs, football games, bars etc all the time with his friends and doesn't drink. He's done a great job and we're really proud. I dont see why he even needs to bring this married girl to the wedding, but we're willing to be good friends about it. The RD though doesn't seem appropriate to bring a random married person to.

ggirl2001 · October 2010

Maybe this was answered, but I'm not sure so I will ask anyway. did he just recently ask about bringing this date, and that he wasn't going to bring one before?

LDYGTR13 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rd-question-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19003c38-7522-4873-aff1-849897cfe1c7Post:91e55794-30be-40da-a369-da5903d0a840">Re: RD Question</a>:
[QUOTE]If he won't know anyone else, maybe he would prefer to have her. Also, I thought about it after I posted before, this could potentially be a situation that makes him want to drink. I'm just think if he's a depressed person that he's not married, or if he's divorced, the situation could give him feelings that make him want to drink, whether alcohol is there or not. He could always go to a bar after. Does he know this woman? Or was it maybe a pre-arranged thing for him though AA? I'm thinking maybe they set him up with a sponsor there to stay on track or something. I think maybe given the situation, you should just call him and ask. Explain that you weren't planning on inviting dates to the RD, and that alcohol wouldn't be served there, but you wanted to check with him if he needed to have her there as well. I think you will get a better answer asking him then asking us.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

He will actually know everyone but about 5 people at the RD, so it's not like he'd be sitting in a corner all alone. However, he is a relatively depressed person in general. He's had some issues with depression in the past that have led him to drink, so that's a really good point. Thanks for making it. The woman he's bringing is someone he knows from his mid twenties. He put a "I need a plus one for a wedding on Oct 23 who's game?" status on FB and this girl said she wanted to come.

ggirl2001 · October 2010

also. in response to the post about going to clubs, bars, etc, maybe he is starting to learn through AA that might not always be the best idea and he set up a plan for the wedding. A saying that most of my clients use is that "if you stay at the barbershop long enough, you're going to end up getting a haircut". if he has been clean for about 6 months, he is going to start making some more changes in his lifestyle and any sponsor he has is going to encourage that, this could be one of them.. yes it is weird that he is bringing a married friend, however if her husband is ok with it, then to each their own. I also understand the weirdness of her coming to the RD as well. I don't think calling him would end up in a debate, depending how close you are and how much you know about his recovery. It could end up being a very good discussion for him.

LDYGTR13 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rd-question-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19003c38-7522-4873-aff1-849897cfe1c7Post:679fec6d-ec5b-4c01-af28-5111d8873c4c">Re: RD Question</a>:
[QUOTE]are other people in the WP bringing significant others and maybe he just got confused. On the addiction side, he could just be worried about the entire weekend in general and feel more comfortable with a sober friend around. I understand that the RD is dry, but to a person who is in recovery, there is a difference between another person in recovery and a person who is not drinking that day. I work as an addictions counselor, and I would suggest that you do mention to him that the RD is dry (in case he is confused). It could also be that he is bringing her because nobody does know her and she will be at the wedding, I'm assuming seated with people she doesn't know, and he is viewing it as a chance to get to know some people? Not saying that what he is doing is right, but just offering what his perception of the situation could be..
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]

Ooh, I'm glad you posted since you're an addictions counselor - and you gave me insight on what he may be thinking. I'll have FI give him a call and mention that the RD is dry. Thanks!

LDYGTR13 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rd-question-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19003c38-7522-4873-aff1-849897cfe1c7Post:bad36879-f7d2-4d82-b64c-21025ec21dbe">Re: RD Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe this was answered, but I'm not sure so I will ask anyway. did he just recently ask about bringing this date, and that he wasn't going to bring one before?
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]

He kept saying he was hoping to find a date, but wasn't able to find one so he just put a post on FB asking for someone to be his plus-one...which technically we didn't offer lol. Oh well!!

ggirl2001 · October 2010

awww.. he does sound like a somewhat depressed individual.. maybe he's nervous about going alone, even though he will know people?

LDYGTR13 · October 2010

That must be what it is. I'm gonna have FI give him a call.

He's always been a very needy friend to FI - I think it drives FI nuts because he honestlly ignores his phone calls and texts all the time. Thanks for the insight GGirl!

ggirl2001 · October 2010

glad to help

LDYGTR13 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rd-question-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19003c38-7522-4873-aff1-849897cfe1c7Post:8ba0f489-d93d-4d9d-abcf-3d6b4f4c07d9">Re: RD Question</a>:
[QUOTE]My guess is that he doesn't need a sitter to watch over him at the dinner, he needs a sitter to be sure he gets to the HOTEL after the dinner. The other groomsmen are probably going out to party after the dinner - that's certainly common in my region of the country - and you and FI probably do not even know about those plans. And probably this guy doesn't want to get taken along with the other GM. So he needs the girl there with him, so he can easily say, "Oh no fellas, you go on ahead. I can't come with you because I'm going to spend some time with Glorida here. See you tomorrow!"
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Good point, Kristin. Thanks for making it!

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