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Help!!!

KellyLouiseHitchenKellyLouiseHitchen member
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi everyone, I've got two issues I need help with! Our engagement party was a few months ago and out wedding isn't until December next year, and there are some guests at the engagement party I am seriously considering not inviting.. For starters they only started talking to us when we became engaged.. And I haven't talked to them since! Yet I feel compelled to invite them to the wedding, even though they are making no effort to maintain a communication, or a friendship. They came to the engagement party bearing a gift.. It just feels so fake though. And I want everyone at the wedding to be genuine and want to be with us in our lives all the time, not just to a big event. These friends are my old school friends from years ago and some of my partners friends from years ago... I invited them at the time to the engagement because I felt that they would be offended by me inviting other school friends we are still close too.. Massive bad on my part.. But would it be okay to not invite them? I just want it to be perfect.. Even if it means pissing people off. We do have a budget as well!

2ns Problem solved, not an issue anymore. first problem is still a bit of an issue
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Re: Help!!!

  • KellyBrian2013KellyBrian2013
    1000 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-42?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fab4c7b5-1e74-445a-9fa4-6f38e2f90168Post:2f7ced04-4230-465b-80ac-117d1f83de56">Help!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi everyone, I've got two issues I need help with! Our engagement party was a few months ago and out wedding isn't until December next year, and there are some guests at the engagement party I am seriously considering not inviting.. For starters they only started talking to us when we became engaged.. And I haven't talked to them since! Yet I feel compelled to invite them to the wedding, even though they are making no effort to maintain a communication, or a friendship. They came to the engagement party bearing a gift.. It just feels so fake though. And I want everyone at the wedding to be genuine and want to be with us in our lives all the time, not just to a big event. These friends are my old school friends from years ago and some of my partners friends from years ago... I invited them at the time to the engagement because I felt that they would be offended by me inviting other school friends we are still close too.. Massive bad on my part.. But would it be okay to not invite them? I just want it to be perfect.. Even if it means pissing people off. We do have a budget as well! Another problem I have is a bit more closer to me. Another person in our direct family, a cousin, has just become engaged and has set her wedding for march next year, full well knowing when mine is. Her partner is the actual link to the family as well, I feel it's so rude of them to be engaged and become married before us. I am so upset that she has stolen my glory and is asking me for now for ideas. ours will just be the 'second wedding of the year' : how do I get over this? Please help! Any advice will be amazing xxxx
    Posted by KellyLouiseHitchen[/QUOTE]

    1) Anyone invited to the engagement party needs to be invited to the wedding. If you've lost touch with them, they'll likely decline. I also hope you didn't throw your own e-party (since you said that you invited them)...


    2) You get one day. They get one day. They chose a day that makes sense for them, as did you. There's so many more things in life to worry about... get over it and move on.
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  • rsaleh84rsaleh84
    100 Comments
    I don't know how to help you with the first issue, as I am not fully versed in etiquette and am still learning everyday from these boards. 

    However, and this is a BIG however, I don't understand why someone's wedding in March is in anyway intruding on your December wedding.  Also, there are hundreds of thousands of people who get married every year, so I don't believe that their wedding would "rain on your parade".  Just enjoy your journey together as a couple who is prepared to spend their lives together, and don't worry about others.
    Anniversary
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  • emichele87emichele87 member
    10 Comments
    edited August 2012
    You could have said you did not want those people at your engagment party, but you did not so you should now invite them to your wedding. But you also have a ton of time before invites go out so do not rule anyone out yet.

    Second, you have no business being upset at when another person set her wedding date. You chose next December, she did not want to wait that long and chose a date that is sooner. Get over it. Now if she chose the week before you then you might have a complaint. But darlin, her date is 8 months before yours. You have pleantly of time between the two so that each day will be special and unique. 
    ~Emily~
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  • KellyLouiseHitchenKellyLouiseHitchen member
    First Comment
    1 No one else seemed to want to throw us an engagement party, so we did it ourselves. It was also joint with my partners going away party before he deployed in Afghanistan for 9 months. If we invite these old friends to the wedding, they are the type of people that will say 'Hey, I haven't seen of spoken to them since the engagement.. But free alcohol so why not!' 2 I think it's a massive thing, especially as shes now trying to pinch my ideas and location of being in the east!!
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  • KellyLouiseHitchenKellyLouiseHitchen member
    First Comment
    In Response to Re:Help!!!:[QUOTE]You could have said you did not want those people at your engagment party, but you did not so you should now invite them to your wedding. But you also have a ton of time before invites go out so do not rule anyone out yet.Second, you have no business being upset at when another person set her wedding date. You chose next December, she did not want to wait that long and chose a date that is sooner. Get over it. Now if she chose the week before you then you might have a complaint. But darlin, her date is 8 months before yours. You have pleantly of time between the two so that each day will be special and unique.nbsp; Posted by emichele87[/QUOTE]


    Thanks so much! It really isn't a big deal is it, my feathers have been ruffled is all I think!
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  • LoopysevenLoopyseven member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-42?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fab4c7b5-1e74-445a-9fa4-6f38e2f90168Post:2f7ced04-4230-465b-80ac-117d1f83de56">Help!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi everyone, I've got two issues I need help with! Our engagement party was a few months ago and out wedding isn't until December next year, and there are some guests at the engagement party I am seriously considering not inviting.. For starters they only started talking to us when we became engaged.. And I haven't talked to them since! Yet I feel compelled to invite them to the wedding, even though they are making no effort to maintain a communication, or a friendship. They came to the engagement party bearing a gift.. It just feels so fake though. And I want everyone at the wedding to be genuine and want to be with us in our lives all the time, not just to a big event. These friends are my old school friends from years ago and some of my partners friends from years ago... I invited them at the time to the engagement because I felt that they would be offended by me inviting other school friends we are still close too.. Massive bad on my part.. But would it be okay to not invite them? I just want it to be perfect.. Even if it means pissing people off. We do have a budget as well! Another problem I have is a bit more closer to me. Another person in our direct family, a cousin, has just become engaged and has set her wedding for march next year, full well knowing when mine is. Her partner is the actual link to the family as well, I feel it's so rude of them to be engaged and become married before us. I am so upset that she has stolen my glory and is asking me for now for ideas. ours will just be the 'second wedding of the year' : how do I get over this? Please help! Any advice will be amazing xxxx
    Posted by KellyLouiseHitchen[/QUOTE]

    <div>If they were invited to a prewedding event, the ship for inviting them to the wedding has sailed.  They have to be invited.,</div><div>
    </div><div>You get a day.  They can get married whenever works best for them.  March to December is 9 months.  My brother and I got married within 3 months of each other.  They were two separate and distinct events and no one thought my wedding got second fiddle just cause it was after theirs.  This is not a big deal.</div>
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  • jessicabessicajessicabessica member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    In case you are for real:

    Everyone who is invited to a prewedding party, like an engagement party, should be invited to the wedding.  You say they haven't made an effort to maintain the friendship...have you?  

    You get one day.  Aside from that, their wedding is in March, yours is in December.  That's over half a year away from each other.  People are allowed to get married when it's convenient for them, and this really isn't that close.  If you have family that would have to travel, it will be much more realistic for them to go to both weddings than if the dates were closer together, even if your wedding was first.  If you are worried about them "stealing" your ideas, don't talk wedding stuff with them.  
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  • rsannarsanna member
    500 Comments 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-42?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fab4c7b5-1e74-445a-9fa4-6f38e2f90168Post:95dfba34-55fa-452f-9c15-1733fcb14496">Re:Help!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]1 No one else seemed to want to throw us an engagement party, so we did it ourselves. It was also joint with my partners going away party before he deployed in Afghanistan for 9 months. If we invite these old friends to the wedding, they are the type of people that will say 'Hey, I haven't seen of spoken to them since the engagement.. But free alcohol so why not!' 2 I think it's a massive thing, especially as shes now trying to pinch my ideas and location of being in the east!!
    Posted by KellyLouiseHitchen[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>About #2, you just need to get over it.  Is that harsh? Yep.  But as PPs have said you get one day, she gets one day.  The weddings will be completely different. It is not a competition.  This is not Four Weddings.  If you say anything about this you will just come off looking like immature and a jerk. If you are that concerned stop talking wedding with them and they will stop stealing your ideas.  It will be okay.  I promise.</div><div>
    </div><div>Though it is not family, I have 2 friends that both got engaged AFTER me but are getting married BEFORE me. Because the one is a really good friend (FI's best man) I expect a lot of crossover between our friends.  But it will be okay.

    </div>
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  • KellyBrian2013KellyBrian2013
    1000 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-42?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fab4c7b5-1e74-445a-9fa4-6f38e2f90168Post:95dfba34-55fa-452f-9c15-1733fcb14496">Re:Help!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]1 No one else seemed to want to throw us an engagement party, so we did it ourselves. It was also joint with my partners going away party before he deployed in Afghanistan for 9 months. If we invite these old friends to the wedding, they are the type of people that will say 'Hey, I haven't seen of spoken to them since the engagement.. But free alcohol so why not!' 2 I think it's a massive thing, especially as shes now trying to pinch my ideas and location of being in the east!!
    Posted by KellyLouiseHitchen[/QUOTE]

    I'm called MUD.

    But in case it isn't.
    1) If no one offers, then you don't get one. No one is ENTITLED to these types of parties. For future reference, if no one offers you a bridal shower or a bachelorette, you don't have one.

    2) You can think it's "a massive thing" all you want... but it's not. You get one day. She gets one day. You decided to have a longer engagement. They decided not to. It's EIGHT MONTHS apart... get over it. Also, you do not own "the east" - thousands upon thousands of weddings happen in any given region in any given year. If you're worried about her "pinching your ideas", don't give her any. Problem solved.
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  • ootmother2ootmother2 member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-42?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fab4c7b5-1e74-445a-9fa4-6f38e2f90168Post:2f7ced04-4230-465b-80ac-117d1f83de56">Help!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi everyone, I've got two issues I need help with! Our engagement party was a few months ago and out wedding isn't until December next year, and there are some guests at the engagement party I am seriously considering not inviting.. For starters they only started talking to us when we became engaged.. And I haven't talked to them since! Yet I feel compelled to invite them to the wedding, even though they are making no effort to maintain a communication, or a friendship. They came to the engagement party bearing a gift.. It just feels so fake though. And I want everyone at the wedding to be genuine and want to be with us in our lives all the time, not just to a big event. These friends are my old school friends from years ago and some of my partners friends from years ago... I invited them at the time to the engagement because I felt that they would be offended by me inviting other school friends we are still close too.. Massive bad on my part.. But would it be okay to not invite them? I just want it to be perfect.. Even if it means pissing people off. We do have a budget as well! Another problem I have is a bit more closer to me. Another person in our direct family, a cousin, has just become engaged and has set her wedding for march next year, full well knowing when mine is. Her partner is the actual link to the family as well, I feel it's so rude of them to be engaged and become married before us. I am so upset that she has stolen my glory and is asking me for now for ideas. ours will just be the 'second wedding of the year' : how do I get over this? Please help! Any advice will be amazing xxxx
    Posted by KellyLouiseHitchen[/QUOTE]

    Just GETTHEFUCK OVER IT
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  • crash2729crash2729 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-42?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fab4c7b5-1e74-445a-9fa4-6f38e2f90168Post:95dfba34-55fa-452f-9c15-1733fcb14496">Re:Help!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]1 No one else seemed to want to throw us an engagement party, so we did it ourselves. It was also joint with my partners going away party before he deployed in Afghanistan for 9 months. If we invite these old friends to the wedding, they are the type of people that will say 'Hey, I haven't seen of spoken to them since the engagement.. But free alcohol so why not!'<strong> 2 I think it's a massive thing, especially as shes now trying to pinch my ideas and location of being in the east!!</strong>
    Posted by KellyLouiseHitchen[/QUOTE]
    What? <div>
    </div><div>Don't talk wedding with her. She'll have no ideas to steal. </div><div>Also, Have either of you actually booked a venue? </div><div>Neither of you have a firm date until that is done. If both of your weddings will require a lot of guests to travel (to both) make sure you get your STDs out to them first. That's really all you can do.</div>
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  • LoopysevenLoopyseven member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-42?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fab4c7b5-1e74-445a-9fa4-6f38e2f90168Post:95dfba34-55fa-452f-9c15-1733fcb14496">Re:Help!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]1 No one else seemed to want to throw us an engagement party, so we did it ourselves. It was also joint with my partners going away party before he deployed in Afghanistan for 9 months. If we invite these old friends to the wedding, they are the type of people that will say 'Hey, I haven't seen of spoken to them since the engagement.. But free alcohol so why not!' 2 I think it's a massive thing, especially as shes now trying to pinch my ideas and location of being in the east!!
    Posted by KellyLouiseHitchen[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div> 1 - If no one offers to throw you an e-party you don't have one.  They are not a requirement.  It is very rude to host a party where you are the guest of honor.</div><div>
    </div><div>2 - so tell her you haven't figured that detail out yet (even if you have - she's planning for 9 months before you - makes sense that you're not figuring stuff out as early as she is) and you can't call dibs on an entire region.  I grew up in a small town and attended many weddings at the same venue.  and they were all unique and well suited to the couple getting married regardless of what room they were held in.
    She can't steal your ideas if you don't give them to her.</div>
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  • MyUserName1MyUserName1 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    Really?  You are laying claim to an entire coast for your location?  If you're real, get over yourself.

    If you're trolling, try harder next time.
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  • J&K10910J&K10910 member
    10000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    You will not be the second wedding of the year.

    You'll approximately the 17,000th wedding of the year. 

    HTH!

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    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
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  • KellyLouiseHitchenKellyLouiseHitchen member
    First Comment
    In Response to Re:Help!!!:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Help!!!:1 No one else seemed to want to throw us an engagement party, so we did it ourselves. It was also joint with my partners going away party before he deployed in Afghanistan for 9 months. If we invite these old friends to the wedding, they are the type of people that will say 'Hey, I haven't seen of spoken to them since the engagement.. But free alcohol so why not!' 2 I think it's a massive thing, especially as shes now trying to pinch my ideas and location of being in the east!!Posted by KellyLouiseHitchennbsp;1 If no one offers to throw you an eparty you don't have one. nbsp;They are not a requirement. nbsp;It is very rude to host a party where you are the guest of honor.2 so tell her you haven't figured that detail out yet even if you have she's planning for 9 months before you makes sense that you're not figuring stuff out as early as she is and you can't call dibs on an entire region. nbsp;I grew up in a small town and attended many weddings at the same venue. nbsp;and they were all unique and well suited to the couple getting married regardless of what room they were held in.She can't steal your ideas if you don't give them to her. Posted by Loopyseven[/QUOTE]

    The bugger thing is, is that I already have, prior to her engagement, which is so great, I just am a DIY bride with a lot of thoughts that I now don't think will be that original.. All good though.. I can be versatile and change my already made table decorations and centre pieces I guess.

    We were pushed to Organise it by our families, both from different cities and neither wanted to choose the location themselves so they all agrees upon having it at our place just for a casual BBQ.
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  • samantha24psamantha24p
    500 Comments
    So you expect your cousin to wait almost 2 years to get married so your wedding can be first? Wow
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  • J&K10910J&K10910 member
    10000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    You're being insanely dramatic, you're acting like a brat, and I feel like perhaps you jsut don't understand the way the world works.

    People don't put their lives on hold for your wedding.  Sorry, pumpkin.

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    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
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  • handheldhandheld member
    10 Comments
    I disagree with the general consensues I dont think they have to be invited just because they were at the engagement party. That seems silly to me if they are no longer your friends why invite them to your day? Lets say for example you had a serious fight with one of these people would you then be required to invite this person for th sole reason they were at some other party you may or may not have paid for or thrown? You have plenty of time before your day to decide though maybe you should try to contact them and get a feel for whats happening with those relationships?

    As for your second problem I can see you that could bother you. I had a similar although very complicated situation with my younger brother, it eventually worked it self out, but he was really upset about it for a little while. My advice is just to let it go as best you can she wanted a spring wedding while you would prefer a winter one. You will both have special days :-)
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  • stephie25stephie25 member
    Fifth Anniversary 100 Comments
    No way. I call MUD. 
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  • LoopysevenLoopyseven member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    In Response to Re: Help!!!:
    [QUOTE]I disagree with the general consensues I dont think they have to be invited just  because they were at the engagement party. That seems silly to me if they are no longer your friends why invite them to your day? Lets say for example you had a serious fight with one of these people would you then be required to invite this person for th sole reason they were at some other party you may or may not have paid for or thrown? You have plenty of time before your day to decide though maybe you should try to contact them and get a feel for whats happening with those relationships? As for your second problem I can see you that could bother you. I had a similar although very complicated situation with my younger brother, it eventually worked it self out, but he was really upset about it for a little while. My advice is just to let it go as best you can she wanted a spring wedding while you would prefer a winter one. You will both have special days :-)
    Posted by handheld[/QUOTE]

    This is the etiquette board.  You will get answers here as to proper etiquette.  It is rude to invite someone to a pre-party when they are not actually invited to the main event.  Period.  End of story.

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  • J&K10910J&K10910 member
    10000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-42?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fab4c7b5-1e74-445a-9fa4-6f38e2f90168Post:66349deb-d3bf-4e02-b7ee-9e318561f832">Re: Help!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I disagree with the general consensues I dont think they have to be invited just  because they were at the engagement party. That seems silly to me if they are no longer your friends why invite them to your day? <strong>Lets say for example you had a serious fight with one of these people would you then be required to invite this person for th sole reason they were at some other party you may or may not have paid for or thrown?</strong> You have plenty of time before your day to decide though maybe you should try to contact them and get a feel for whats happening with those relationships? As for your second problem I can see you that could bother you. I had a similar although very complicated situation with my younger brother, it eventually worked it self out, but he was really upset about it for a little while. My advice is just to let it go as best you can she wanted a spring wedding while you would prefer a winter one. You will both have special days :-)
    Posted by handheld[/QUOTE]

    Well of course not.  An ended friendship precludes that.  But it doesn't sound like that's the case.  And people get busy.  I have a friend who was in my wedding (so one of my closest) that I just emailed last week.  Prior to that, I hadn't seen her since the wedding (we live a few hours away from each other) and we haven't spoken in a few months.  I still consider her one of my closest friends, but shiiiit happens.

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  • J&K10910J&K10910 member
    10000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-42?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fab4c7b5-1e74-445a-9fa4-6f38e2f90168Post:39cdd727-c55c-4b23-a9e3-4a3233f46c72">Re: Help!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]No way. I call MUD. 
    Posted by stephie25[/QUOTE]

    Congratulations.  Would you like a cookie?

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  • emichele87emichele87 member
    10 Comments
    The bugger thing is, is that I already have, prior to her engagement, which is so great, I just am a DIY bride with a lot of thoughts that I now don't think will be that original.. All good though.. I can be versatile and change my already made table decorations and centre pieces I guess. 

    Why do you have to chage anything? Is the cousin going to do the exact same stuff as you? Are there going to be no differences? This make no sense to me. And BTW nothing you do will be completely original bc I would bet that you found ideas online or in magazines. 
    ~Emily~
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  • KellyLouiseHitchenKellyLouiseHitchen member
    First Comment
    edited August 2012
    Ok ok ok ok -

    Wow so many opinions! Some were a bit harsh.. but pretty true.

    I think, to be honest, I wrote down my inital thoughts so someone could slap some sense in to me. It is SUCH brattish behaviour on my part, my feathers have been ruffled though, because I just didnt see their engagement coming! Im so happy for them though, a wedding is a wedding and everyone should be happy, no matter who is married first etc.

    Im still a bit iffy on the engagement invitation / wedding invitation part. I wrote that on here as a bit of a concern. Im still not sure, i know that ettiquite wise it is extremly rude to not invite them to the wedding, but because they are so far apart I was hoping to maybe get by with it.. Only time will tell I think. When I send out STDs thats when the crunch time should begin.
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  • J&K10910J&K10910 member
    10000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    Ok, now that you're being reasonable, I can too.  so you were surprised and caught off guard.  That's ok.  And you know what else?  It's ok to be a bit miffed by it.  You can't help how you feel.  But you CAN help how you act--so just don't act out your feelings and you're good.

    Put some effort into your friendship that's failing and see what happens.  Don't send them a STD.  STDs aren't mandatory (and in fact often cause even more problems).  You're really best off limiting STDs to VIPs and OOT family that are no brainers anyway.

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  • samantha24psamantha24p
    500 Comments
    edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-42?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fab4c7b5-1e74-445a-9fa4-6f38e2f90168Post:6802f614-ab18-4885-b97f-da8d39315e23">Re: Help!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, now that you're being reasonable, I can too.  so you were surprised and caught off guard.  That's ok.  And you know what else?  It's ok to be a bit miffed by it.  You can't help how you feel.  But you CAN help how you act--so just don't act out your feelings and you're good. Put some effort into your friendship that's failing and see what happens.  Don't send them a STD.  STDs aren't mandatory (and in fact often cause even more problems).  You're really best off limiting STDs to VIPs and OOT family that are no brainers anyway.
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]



    I agree
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  • KellyLouiseHitchenKellyLouiseHitchen member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-42?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fab4c7b5-1e74-445a-9fa4-6f38e2f90168Post:6802f614-ab18-4885-b97f-da8d39315e23">Re: Help!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, now that you're being reasonable, I can too.  so you were surprised and caught off guard.  That's ok.  And you know what else?  It's ok to be a bit miffed by it.  You can't help how you feel.  But you CAN help how you act--so just don't act out your feelings and you're good. Put some effort into your friendship that's failing and see what happens.  Don't send them a STD.  STDs aren't mandatory (and in fact often cause even more problems).  You're really best off limiting STDs to VIPs and OOT family that are no brainers anyway.
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

    Yep, its good that I havent said that about my cousin to anyone else besides you guys, and my puppy dog!

    I know that everyone gets busy, thats life, and being in a different state for some of the time away from these particular friends is a bit hard as well. I try to call once every few weeks, but I cant help feeling Im the one doing the calling, or flying to see them for birthdays/reunions. There comes a point where I just want to say, you do something to maintain it. But thats so stubborn of me.
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  • J&K10910J&K10910 member
    10000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    I totally get how you feel.  Maintaining long distance friendships (sometimes even not long distance friendships!) is really hard, and when it feels one sided, it totally sucks.  I've been in your shoes with a long-distance friendship, and I hated every second of it.  I was bitter and angry and frustrated and disappointed.

    But your wedding isn't the time to make a point.  If you truly want to end the friendship, then have at it.  But it's not a decision you need to make now, and if you DO choose not to invite them when the time comes, make sure it's because they're truly people you don't want in your life/supporting you and your marriage--not because you're angry and want to "show them."

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
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  • KellyLouiseHitchenKellyLouiseHitchen member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-42?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fab4c7b5-1e74-445a-9fa4-6f38e2f90168Post:38e15ac8-385f-4085-822f-fb8e05cd1a56">Re: Help!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I totally get how you feel.  Maintaining long distance friendships (sometimes even not long distance friendships!) is really hard, and when it feels one sided, it totally sucks.  I've been in your shoes with a long-distance friendship, and I hated every second of it.  I was bitter and angry and frustrated and disappointed. But your wedding isn't the time to make a point.  If you truly want to end the friendship, then have at it.  But it's not a decision you need to make now, and if you DO choose not to invite them when the time comes, make sure it's because they're truly people you don't want in your life/supporting you and your marriage--not because you're angry and want to "show them."
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]


    Thankyou so much x
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  • LoopysevenLoopyseven member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    Kelly -This is not really related to your OP, but more a commentary from your mentioning about feeling like you are putting in all the effort and feeling one sided.
    I moved from WI after college (OMG 11 years ago) and through all those years I really only kept in touch with one good friend from HS through phone calls and visits when we were in town.  I did the same as you, got tired of always being the one to call and make the effort so I mostly stopped and the majority of those relationships dwindled to FB messages now and then and that's about it.  But really, I was the one who moved away - the rest of them just kind of continued their lives as it not much had changed.  H and I recently moved from Cleveland to Denver, but one of my old HS friends from WI has also ended up here in Denver.  We'd only kept in touch with a few FB messages and status', per year but since I moved here 4 months ago she's been awesome and I see her every couple of weeks and we talk probably once a week and seriously, it's like no time has passed.  And a bunch of my HS friends are planning a mini-reunion when I'm home in a few weeks.  We graduated 15 years ago. The friends in Cleveland,  already, I feel like I'm the one making the phone calls, but if the relationships are worth preserving, even if it dwindles to a Christmas card relationship, it'll be just like old times when you do see them again.  Long story short - don't necessarily judge the strength of a relationship by how much effort each side puts in.  You never know where life will take you, and when those relationships will flare to life again and in what forms.
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