Bridesmaid Decisions

kellymaryanne · February 2010

I need help picking my bridesmaids. I have been a bridesmaid several times. MOH of a best friend, 2 bridesmaids for friends & 2 sister-in-laws. SO you would think I have lots of choices for my wedding party. One of my friends told me weddings are a waste of time and money. She's out. Another friend and I haven't spoke since her wedding two years ago. The other friend and I keep in touch, but not very often. My sister-in-laws are older with families of their own. I am moving in two months and I don't want to make new friends just to have them in my wedding. I also have 2 neices (17 y/o & 13 y/o). I do have one best friend. She will be my MOH. I would like to have 4 bridesmaids total, but the number doesn't really matter I guess. Any advice?? How do you choose??

kellymaryanne · February 2010

I'm in the Air Force, active duty. I'm trying to plan so far in advance because i will be deployed a lot starting six months from now. Plus all of my family/friends will have to travel. I would like to give everyone as much time as possible to prepare. Especially with lives and families of their own.

The one friend that said weddings are a waste just had a horrible attitude. She didn't say congratulations or anything. I was the MOH in her wedding and did my best to help her with anything that she needed. I don't feel she would have a very good attitude.

Friends seem to come and go, but family is forever? I don't want to put my sister-in-laws in an awkward position if they are too busy. Or make them feel like they couldn't say no.

emilykathleen511 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-decisions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:64731220-ee9a-4371-9943-f83ff670114ePost:28c5292e-d05b-4c57-9083-015c2c59d2ba">Bridesmaid Decisions</a>:
[QUOTE]I need help picking my bridesmaids. I have been a bridesmaid several times. MOH of a best friend, 2 bridesmaids for friends & 2 sister-in-laws. SO you would think I have lots of choices for my wedding party. One of my friends told me weddings are a waste of time and money. She's out. Another friend and I haven't spoke since her wedding two years ago. The other friend and I keep in touch, but not very often. My sister-in-laws are older with families of their own. I am moving in two months and I don't want to make new friends just to have them in my wedding. I also have 2 neices (17 y/o & 13 y/o). I do have one best friend. She will be my MOH. I would like to have 4 bridesmaids total, but the number doesn't really matter I guess. Any advice?? How do you choose??
Posted by kellymaryanne[/QUOTE]

Ditto previous posters. Your wedding party should simply be those people who you are closest to with no regard for whose weddings you have been in, or how old they are, whether they are male or female, or what kind of helpers they would be. Wedding parties do not have to be symmetrical either, so if that is why you want four, just let that one go because it seriously does not matter. I also agree that you should wait until 6-9 months out from your wedding to make this decision and ask people. If you do ask your nieces, it is fine to just call them bridesmaids (rather than "junior bridesmaids") because they do the exact same thing. It would also be fine to ask your sisters-in-law if you are close to them; if they don't feel comfortable, they will let you know.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

I have yet to hear anyone say "I wish I'd asked my WP earlier, it would have made life so much easier."

I have heard many people say "I wish I had waited to ask my WP, it was such a pain to box myself in so far in advance."

How does it help you plan the wedding to have the WP picked now? You can plan many many other things in advance on your own schedule--dress, location, guest list, decorations, flowers, etc. But as soon as you start involving other people it becomes complicated. They may not want to work on your schedule, and that can lead to conflict. Since many of your relationships are in limbo right now, it would just be in your best interests to wait. You can let the dust settle on your move and see who really is important and who you really do have lasting relationships with.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

Also, nobody needs 2 years to make travel plans. Airlines will usually only let you book 8-10 months out at the absolute most; they simply don't have their schedules that far out. People will do it at about 3 months at the earliest; most will do it at 6 weeks.

emilykathleen511 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-decisions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:64731220-ee9a-4371-9943-f83ff670114ePost:ebeea32c-08a0-4435-b960-1c95ce9dd3fc">Re: Bridesmaid Decisions</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm in the Air Force, active duty. I'm trying to plan so far in advance because i will be deployed a lot starting six months from now. Plus all of my family/friends will have to travel. I would like to give everyone as much time as possible to prepare. Especially with lives and families of their own. The one friend that said weddings are a waste just had a horrible attitude. She didn't say congratulations or anything. I was the MOH in her wedding and did my best to help her with anything that she needed. I don't feel she would have a very good attitude. Friends seem to come and go, but family is forever? I don't want to put my sister-in-laws in an awkward position if they are too busy. Or make them feel like they couldn't say no.
Posted by kellymaryanne[/QUOTE]

Well, I am guessing that these people will all be <em>attending</em> the wedding even if they are not in it, so what else would they really need to plan for two years out? I can understand that you want to get ahead with planning, which is fine. You can start planning decorations, music, your dress, your venue, etc without involving your wedding party.

As far as your friend who isn't into weddings, you could just say, "Suzy, you know I am getting married, and I know that you don't really care for weddings, but I would still love to have you by my side while I get married. I would totally understand if you didn't want to, but just know that I wouldn't expect anything from you outside of getting a dress and standing next to me while I get married." She will let you know if she would be comfortable with that or not.

As for your sisters-in-law (you have two sisters, and just one law, so the "s" goes with sisters), I would just ask them, and leave it up to them to let you know if they can swing it. All they have to do is get a dress (after you asked them each individually what their budgets are), show up clean and sober the day of the wedding, walk down the aisle, stand quietly during the ceremony, and smile for pictures. They wouldn't end up doing much more than if they were just there as guests...especially since, as family they would probably end up being in a lot of pictures as is.

Edit: I still maintain that you should wait until it is less than a year (6-9 months out would be best) until your wedding to ask anyone. These scenarios are simply for future reference.

stina93446 · February 2010

Did I just see that your wedding is in April 2012?! If so, don't even think about bms yet. It's too early and since you don't have strong ties with some of these women, you may regret asking.

emilyinchile · February 2010

Once the appropriate time for asking rolls around (aka in 1.5 years), ask the people you WANT to ask. This means regardless of whose wedding you were in or how your friends/family feel about wedding planning (which they shouldn't be doing for you anyway), you ask the people the you absolutely cannot imagine not having by your side on your wedding day. That could be any number of people. If they choose to say no, that's fine, but don't base your asking on who you think might accept.

And please don't ask yet. Seriously, there is nothing for them to do, you can tell them to save the date as guests regardless, and it just gives SO much potential for drama. You already said you've got a friend who was close enough for you to be her MOH who's being weird and a friend who was close enough for you to be a BM who you don't talk to anymore (a change that has happened in less than the amount of time you have before your wedding), so clearly you have proof that friendships do change over time.

CTGirl30 · February 2010

Please wait to ask, as the other ladies have already mentioned...nothing bad comes from waiting until you get closer to your wedding, but unfrotunately many times there are situations that girls post about on this board that stem from asking too early - friendships change, people realize they might have asked someone for a less than ideal reason (a sense of guilt or obligation, for example). There's nothing for anyone to do just yet and even if people have to travel, asking 2 years in advance isn't going to do much...the 6-9 month mark will allow plenty of time for them to make travel plans.

When you do start thinking about who to ask, don't worry about numbers - think about who your closest friends are (and I don't mean by proximity - these are the people you cannot imagine getting married w/o having by your side). Don't worry about whether or not you were in their wedding or whether you feel like their feelings will be hurt. Most mature adults realize that a bride can't ask every single person in her life to be part of the WP and will handle it just fine if they're not asked. If they stomp their feet & have a fit, that's their issue. Don't tell anyone why they weren't asked - that's terrible etiquette. If someone makes the faux pas by asking you why they weren't chosen, you can respond with "I couldn't ask everyone, but I hope you'll do us the honor of being a guest on our wedding day - we're looking forward to celebrating!"

This is definately something you can relax on for now.

mbcdefg · February 2010

It's fine to want to get stuff taken care of ahead of time, but do it for the things that only affect YOU. When you start the super-early plannign with stuff that affects other people, then that's when you can run into a problem. There are countless posts on this board that say, "I picked my bridesmaids 18 months out and now I'm not as close to one of them, so how can I nicely kick her out?" (you can't). Or, "My bridesmaids are already burned out on wedding plans and we've still got a year to go! Why aren't they excited?" (because the wedding is still ridiculously far away).

I can totally understand being preoccupied with your job and the travel involved. But you really do not need to choose BMs this early, even if you are half a world away. You can call or e-mail them around 8 months out to ask them to be in the wedding. And you can easily coordinate dress shopping over phone/e-mail ... choose a designer, length, color and fabric, and then let them pick their own styles. Or pick a few styles you like, have them try them on in their local salons, and they can give you their vote and majority rules. My BMs live in the same town as me, and yet we coordinated their dress choices entirely over e-mail within one afternoon (we got them from AnnTaylor.com and the girls had them in hand within a week).

Plan things like invites, catering, stationery, etc., early. Give the bridal party a break and do not get into the things related to them until you are MUCH closer to the wedding date. Trust us, please. You will make things a LOT LOT LOT easier on yourself if you wait.

aerinpegadrak · February 2010

There's not too much that the bridesmaids absolutely need to be involved in, and their main duty (getting the dress) really CAN'T be done this early. What if one of them gets pregnant and has a baby in between now and your wedding? (Happened with TWO of mine.) What if you settle on a dress, then it gets discontinued by the time you go to order? What if you find a dress, everyone buys it, and then a new one comes out that you like even better? What if your wedding date, venue, theme, or style changes and the dresses you picked are no longer appropriate?

Dress shopping doesn't need to happen any earlier than 9 months before the wedding, so there's no reason to ask any earlier than that. People who are interested in helping you plan this far out will do so, with or without a title. But you're opening yourself up to a world of drama and complications if you ask this far out.

trix1223 · February 2010

ditto the other ladies. There is a lot you CAN do early to plan for your wedding, And there are some things that you should NOT do early in your wedding planning. And the biggest of those is choosing a WP.

There's nothing, nothing, nothing that they need to do now. There's no reason to ask them. They don't need to know 2 years out that they're going to a wedding. It's not like they're going to book their flights now, nor are they going to plan an around the world cruise that will overlap your date.

Friendships have a natural ebb and flow. People that you can't imagine spending time with today may not even be on your radar screen in a year, much less two.

I'm sure you can think of people you hung with 2 years ago who you don't see anymore. That's not bad. It's just life.

Really, let this go for at least a year, and preferably for slightly longer than that. You'll come back and thank us. I promise.

kellymaryanne · February 2010

I just had to read my original post to make sure this was my topic! lol I was asking for advice on how to pick your bridesmaids??? I would like to plan as much out as possible, but I never said I would ask them much less be ordering dresses two years in advance. I've been in lots of weddings and I know how most of this goes. Thank you to the ladies who gave me advice on how to choose. To be honest, I don't care who is at the wedding besides me and my man. But it would be great to have my family or some close girl friends standing beside me.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

And you were given advice on how to pick your BMs: Wait until you are remotely close to the wedding and then ask who you are closest to. There are 18 other posts saying that exact same thing. But here it is again since you seemed to miss it the first 18 times.

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