Estranged father at wedding?

FianceeNoles91 · March 2012

Just got engaged (yay!) to the man of my dreams, my boyfriend of over six years. I'm over the moon with excitement and so incredibly happy right now.

Nevertheless, I do have one little storm cloud in my life that's making this engagement awkward and uncomfortable: my estranged father and his soon-to-be new wife. In the past year, I've almost completely lost touch with my father as he's stopped talking to bothe me and my younger brother. We had a misserable holiday season with him, weekly arguments, and just way too much drama. His girlfriend is certainly no help either! It got so bad, that my fiance didn't even ask my dad for my hand in marriage and instead went to my mom.

I guess my question is this: do I need to include my father and his girlfriend/fiancee in the wedding if they are not contributing to it? I feel that to invite them, would be to invite negativity and drama into a very special day for me. I also feel, though, that I'll be missing out on some very important father-daughter traditions (like a father-daughter song). Would it be inappropriate for me to dance with my father-in-law? Or perhaps another father figure I've always looked up to? Our wedding is still not for a while, but this issue just keeps bothering me. Any help would be fantastic!!

missy68 · March 2012

It doesn't have anything to do with who is paying, and maybe even the traditions. Go with your gut on this one (and I am not choosing sides - just what you think is best given your relationship) and be prepared that your decision could impact your future relationship. Talk about it with your FI and maybe your mom.

This is a short period of time, especially since you were together at the holidays. However, we had something similar, but it was my H's father. I left it up to him whether to invite him or not. We did, he accepted, but then called H's sister the day before so she could tell my H he was sick and not coming. However, their relationship was far more than strained and was much longer in length (like, 25 years) and there were other circumstances involved.

Also, in a coincidence, H just walked in the door, and I told him about your post and what I'd said. He said if their relationship was simply strained, he (as a bride) would go ahead and send an invitation, but probably not count on him for something like walking you down the aisle. Remember, though, that if he has a partner, she needs to be invited as well.

It was very weird to hear him give marriage advice, especially as a bride. But, it's coming from true experience, so, worth sharing with you.

Good luck.

culturalrelativist · March 2012

Are you inviting other people from your father's side of the family? I ask because I'm in a similar situation, with similar problems. My father and I have had, and currently have to a larger degree than usual, a very strained relationship. However, my relationship with his side of the family is not strained, as they completely understand my issues with him. My worry is less about him (he has made his own bed in my eyes) and more about them. If I don't invite him but do invite them, I think it could get very complicated. Do you have a plan for this?

Snippylynn · March 2012

Look, you just got engaged.

Enjoy it, and worry about this later. At the end of the day, you don't have to include him in anything, except send an invite (YES you need to invite his SO, like her or not).

I did not invite my father, however, I had grown up with him physically and mentally abusing myself, my mother and my two sisters. We had tried to repair, but couldn't. He was not invited, nor was any of his family. It was a tough cut off to make as I love many of them dearly, but it was the decision I felt was best for everyone involved.

To be honest, a strained relationship of arguments and annoyances sounds much easier to work through than years and years of abuse and threats. But, stick to what I said before: invite him but expect nothing from him.

zitiqueen · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_estranged-father-at-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:428ed347-ac9a-43da-a917-0ee50aacaa3dPost:34d50139-f6f4-4bd2-b7d7-a4690be7afea">Estranged father at wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Just got engaged (yay!) to the man of my dreams, my boyfriend of over six years. I'm over the moon with excitement and so incredibly happy right now. Nevertheless, I do have one little storm cloud in my life that's making this engagement awkward and uncomfortable: my estranged father and his soon-to-be new wife. In the past year, I've almost completely lost touch with my father as he's stopped talking to bothe me and my younger brother. We had a misserable holiday season with him, weekly arguments, and just way too much drama. His girlfriend is certainly no help either! It got so bad, that my fiance didn't even ask my dad for my hand in marriage and instead went to my mom. <strong>I guess my question is this: do I need to include my father and his girlfriend/fiancee in the wedding if they are not contributing to it?</strong> I feel that to invite them, would be to invite negativity and drama into a very special day for me. I also feel, though, that I'll be missing out on some very important father-daughter traditions (like a father-daughter song). Would it be inappropriate for me to dance with my father-in-law? Or perhaps another father figure I've always looked up to? Our wedding is still not for a while, but this issue just keeps bothering me. Any help would be fantastic!!
Posted by FianceeNoles91[/QUOTE]

Are you saying that if he was offering you money for your wedding you'd happily invite him and his GF? Very nice.

crnflkgirl75 · March 2012

I say just wait and see what happens in the relationship between now and the wedding. You don't have to decide now. Congratulations on your engagement!

nlindsay17 · March 2012

It is too soon to worry about this. Maybe with both you and your father getting married soon the relationship will change. You never know. My DDs relationship with their father has had its ups and downs but in the end they chose to invite him and do the traditional father daughter stuff. I don't think either of them regret that decision. This needs to be a decision that you need to make as it will set the tone for the future with your father.
Best of luck!

FianceeNoles91 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_estranged-father-at-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:428ed347-ac9a-43da-a917-0ee50aacaa3dPost:37a26c55-d304-4126-ac97-d4f47398a68a">Re: Estranged father at wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Estranged father at wedding? : Are you saying that if he was offering you money for your wedding you'd happily invite him and his GF? Very nice.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

Not at all. I meant "contributing" in a more general sense. As in, they aren't contributing their time or emotional support or even well wishes at all. He's pretty much completely absent from my life. Because of this, I can guarantee he won't be contributing anything financially.

FianceeNoles91 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_estranged-father-at-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:428ed347-ac9a-43da-a917-0ee50aacaa3dPost:3d3dfe1d-6015-4b48-b0de-d8e0fb112ae5">Re: Estranged father at wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]It doesn't have anything to do with who is paying, and maybe even the traditions. Go with your gut on this one (and I am not choosing sides - just what you think is best given your relationship) and be prepared that your decision could impact your future relationship. Talk about it with your FI and maybe your mom. This is a short period of time, especially since you were together at the holidays. However, we had something similar, but it was my H's father. I left it up to him whether to invite him or not. We did, he accepted, but then called H's sister the day before so she could tell my H he was sick and not coming. However, their relationship was far more than strained and was much longer in length (like, 25 years) and there were other circumstances involved. Also, in a coincidence, H just walked in the door, and I told him about your post and what I'd said. He said if their relationship was simply strained, he (as a bride) would go ahead and send an invitation, but probably not count on him for something like walking you down the aisle. Remember, though, that if he has a partner, she needs to be invited as well. It was very weird to hear him give marriage advice, especially as a bride. But, it's coming from true experience, so, worth sharing with you. Good luck.
Posted by missy68[/QUOTE]

Thanks so much for your and your H's advice! In truth, this whole debacle has been going on for years (Mom and Dad had a nasty divorce and while he was present for a few years after that, he began to fade from my life about 5 or 6 years ago.). At this point, I think I'm just going to enjoy being engaged and decide on this matter as it gets closer to our actual wedding. It's just difficult to figure out who to include in our upcoming festivities, you know? Any way, thanks for your advice and everyone else who responded here!

missy68 · March 2012

You are welcome. We mostly all appear to be on the same side here (snips, that may be a first for us!). And, by all means, revel in your engagement for a while!

There's so much background that goes with my husband's story - in short, abandonment (even though mom divorced him), little contact, and the final straw was him denying to the operator when H called him, collect as he was supposed to, and H heard his father's voice say "he's not here." And he never made an attempt to even say he was sorry he'd been so absent - that's why H cut the relationship off. It just made me angry. H jhas no feelings for him whatsoever.I also think it is why he never writes out his middle name; only uses the initial when necessary. There's a history of lying in the past, and apparently even to the "new family."

sweetcanadian1979 · March 2012

i think you will regret it if you do not invite him. You do not have to have him walk you down the isle or do the father/daughter dance. I would skip those things if you invite him as to not offend him by having someone else do those "traditions" that he would feel belongs to him.

FianceeNoles91 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_estranged-father-at-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:428ed347-ac9a-43da-a917-0ee50aacaa3dPost:30be7933-c52b-40fa-8eaa-2e8680b656c6">Re: Estranged father at wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Are you inviting other people from your father's side of the family? I ask because I'm in a similar situation, with similar problems</strong>. My father and I have had, and currently have to a larger degree than usual, a very strained relationship. However, my relationship with his side of the family is not strained, as they completely understand my issues with him. My worry is less about him (he has made his own bed in my eyes) and more about them. If I don't invite him but do invite them, I think it could get very complicated. Do you have a plan for this?
Posted by culturalrelativist[/QUOTE]

Sorry I didn't respond to you sooner! To answer your question, no I am not at all close with his side of the family. Never have been and probably never will be. I'm not really planning on inviting them since I hardly know them. I'm sorry to hear of your problem. My advice would be (and I'm sure some people are going to disagree) to make yourself comfortable first. This is supposed to be the happiest day of your life. Take time to think about what that means to you and what will make you the happiest.

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