Groom's mother upset about location

emfinkbeiner · February 2012

I have just started planning my wedding and a friend offered her parent's wedding venue to me for free. I can also bring my alcohol into this venue, have it all day, and the hotels near by have free shuttles if we have enough guests. Before I told my parents or anyone else about the offer, I talked to my fiance. He agreed that this made the most financial sense. The only problem is that is is in the city I grew up in (where my parents and sisters still are), which is about 3 hours south of where my fiance and I, his family, and my extended family live now.
Once my fiance's mom heard about the location being where I grew up rather than where we live, she has been upset. Now my fiance is upset that his mom is upset and he wants me to change the location after I've told my family about my friends offer. I just don't know what to do. By having it where I grew up I can really plan it with my mom and get married in the church I grew up in. My fiance's mom thinks that the wedding will only be about me and my side and thinks it will only be convient for my family.
Any advice on the appropriate way to handle this situation?

KellyBrian2013 · February 2012

Get on the same page as your FI and go from there.

Avion22 · February 2012

Three hours is NOT that far to travel for a wedding. Seriously. And if you did it in the town where SHE want to have it, then your family will have to travel.

Have the wedding where you want, and in the place that makes the most sense. Definitely get on the same page as your fiance. Let her know that your mind is made up, and that the subject is closed.

Loopyseven · February 2012

You and your FI need to work out what you want. It sounds like in addition to the free venue, you also love the idea of getting married in your childhood church, and being familiar with the area it will be easy to plan it there with your mom. Does your FI have a preference over any of these things or is he just unhappy that his mom is unhappy? Unless his mom is paying the bill, you and he need to do what works best for you and he and your budget. As long as the two of you are on the same page, everything else is noise.

SCogs18 · February 2012

Our wedding will be in my hometown 2.5 hours from where FI and I live now (his hometown near his family). My parents are paying for the wedding and it was important for me to marry in my hometown. It's not that big of a deal. You need to talk to your FI and remind him that it is your wedding (and by your I mean yours and his) and not his mother's wedding. If you can get a great financial deal I think should should take it.

J&K10910 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-mother-upset-location?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b00476fc-1525-4cc0-9aa0-3e878eef58d1Post:0aae5a49-841a-41a2-89f3-cf571ce117f8">Groom's mother upset about location</a>:
[QUOTE]I have just started planning my wedding and a friend offered her parent's wedding venue to me for free. I can also bring my alcohol into this venue, have it all day, and the hotels near by have free shuttles if we have enough guests. Before I told my parents or anyone else about the offer, I talked to my fiance. He agreed that this made the most financial sense. The only problem is that is is in the city I grew up in (where my parents and sisters still are), which is about 3 hours south of where my fiance and I, his family, and my extended family live now. Once my fiance's mom heard about the location being where I grew up rather than where we live, she has been upset. Now my fiance is upset that his mom is upset and he wants me to change the location after I've told my family about my friends offer. I just don't know what to do. <strong>By having it where I grew up I can really plan it with my mom and get married in the church I grew up in. My fiance's mom thinks that the wedding will only be about me and my side and thinks it will only be convient for my family. </strong> Any advice on the appropriate way to handle this situation?
Posted by emfinkbeiner[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, but you saying "I can really plan it with my mom and get married in the church I grew up in," does sort of make it sound like the wedding will be dispropotionately about you.

With that said, your FI's mom doesn't get to dictate where the wedding will be. But you and your FI neeed to be on the same page here before you do anything else.

KatyRoseM · February 2012

We had the wedding in my home town, a 6 hour flight from where his family and our friends live. In a world where people move so much you generally can't have a wedding somewhere where everyone already is. Someone will have to travel. That being said you and your Fi need to get on the same page about what you want your wedding to be like.

mollyehren · February 2012

Since you and fiancee agree that the current location is a great deal and he is ok with it I would have him talk to his mother about it. I would have him mention to your mother that you are on a limited budget and getting this location for free allows you to have the wedding you both want.

Dont AskMeAgain · February 2012

You & him need to agree on the place where you get married at, but his mom doesn't set the rules especially since she is not paying for it. 3 hours would be a dream for us, but right now it's looking more like 4 hours for us. Honestly, she is just going to have to get over it. It's not about her. She needs to decide whether it's more important to see her son & future daughter in law get married or not. Or she needs to pay for your venue if she wants it close. We are paying for our own wedding & I refuse to be bullied by people with ridiculous requests & no money to back it up. I told my family if you have particular dreams when it comes to my wedding, pay for your dreams. I'm to the point where I'm telling people don't come if you don't like it.

kateguess22 · February 2012

I just wanted to comment that I have always thought that it was appropriate to plan a wedding in the bride's hometown- her hometown church, etc. even if the fiance's family would have to travel. I think it's too bad that your FMIL has an issue with this feeling like it is "all about your side". A lot of women want to get married in the church that they grew up in or in their hometown. In my case I considered getting married in my hometown but we couldn't find the perfect venue there. If my FI's mom had been upset about it we definitely would have changed our plans but it would have been disappointing. That is just my feelings on this.

I completely agree with the above poster DontAskMeAgain she is so right about everything that she said. My fiance's parents will have to travel a long way for our wedding- from Atlanta to Canada- but they understand since they are the only ones who live down there! It's too bad that your FMIL let this bother her and wasn't more understanding but I don't think there's much you can do to change her mind.

emfinkbeiner · February 2012

He was in agreement with me until he heard his mom's opinion. He is upset that his mom is upset, so he wants to change the location. Nothing else has been planned. It's just been stressful because he wants his mom to be happy and I do too. I'm learning quickly I can't please everyone. My parents will be paying for the wedding, and this will save them over $10,000. I definately agree I have to figure out what my fiance really wants.

GeauxTigers17 · February 2012

If your parents are paying and it saves that much, I'd get your fiancé on board and stick with the original plan. $10,000 is nothing to sneeze at.

I got married in my hometown as well, and I don't think it made the wedding "disproportionately about me." My husband's family is in two states, mine is all in the same hometown, our friends are spread between several cities. My husband wasn't overly attached to a church, and I was. Add in the fact that my parents offered to pay, and it just made sense to have it in my hometown where it was easiest for my mom to plan it. My husband and I still made all the big decisions, and it was very much "our" wedding.

Hilraythebride · February 2012

If he was okay with it before it shouldn't change. I think that he feels bad because of what his mom said and her feelings. If he wasn't okay with it it would be a different story.

My FI and I are getting married in his hometown in his church. He is more religious and grew up in the church where I did not. I think if someone is more religious than the other party and this means more to them then I would say their home town.

If he was okay with it until your mother got upset this is understandable, but he should stand firm in whatever you two deicde and stand up to her. I would have a conversation with him and make sure he is 100 percent on board so there can be no blaming involved when anyone gets upset. I would tell your mother in law that one of the reasons you have chosen this place is because your friends parentts own the venue and have been very generous and you can either say have given you the venue for the day as a wedding present or have given you a great deal on it if you don't want to say you got it for free.

I would just say they gave it to us as a wedding present so she would understand that it is free and than you don't have to say anything like but if you want to fork over the money for the reception than we can have it wherever you like because this is basically implied.

ginadog · February 2012

Three house would also be a dream for us as well! Our guests will be driving about 14 hours or flying 3-4 hours. But I think if in the end you and FI like the place you picked then stick with it.

Does he regularly change his mind on things when his mother isn't in agreement? I'm just wondering if you've seen this before or this is new?

chrmun · February 2012

She's worried the wedding is going to be "about you"? Who is it supposed to be about? Her? Maybe you can make up for it by having a part during the ceremony where you say, "OK, everyone, please spend the next 5 minutes looking at FMIL. becouse she obviously needs attention."

I mean, seriously. It's a wedding, not a peace negotiation. It doesn't need to be held on neutral ground.

cbvcru67 · February 2012

Your Fiance originally agreed with you that it was a smart financial decision for the both of you to hold the wedding in your hometown. It's not that he doesn't have a right to change his mind, but moreso why he changed his mind. His mother's feelings should come into play when planning a wedding, but where does he realistically think the other ten thousand dollars is going to come from to make her happy? Are you two going to foot the rest of the bill? Does she expect your parents to pony up again? Is she interested in making up the difference?

I am all for trying to make both sides happy within reason, but to me 10k is outside the scope of reason - even if she DID agree to pay for it. You have a venue you like at a great price - go with it. Talk to his mom about the fun of an out of town wedding and your plans for OOT bags and all sorts of things you'd like to do to make his family feel comfortable. Consider hosting an inexpensive family brunch at your parents home the day after the wedding and inviting her relatives for more one-on-one family time. Ask if they have any family traditions to incorporate or photos you can display on your gift table, ask one of his god parents to be readers or present the gifts at church. Ask her to help you price out flowers at local shops before you place an order with your mom in your home town.

You can integrate his family into your wedding in a lot of ways other than the venue. Talk to your fiance about this and make sure you are still on the same page. But I'd feel very, very silly to give up a 10k deal to make his mom happy - and make my life more difficult. Actually, I wouldn't budge at all and would put my foot down and tell him in no way in hell would I be paying that much more than we had to. But that's just me. My FI knows me well enough to know that I will almost always compromise, so when I do put my foot down, it's very important to me.

ootmother2 · February 2012

page Christen numbers. She'll write an epistle able the 1950s etiquette for wedding locations

melntaitt · February 2012

If he was on board before and his mom changed his mind, it's time for a serious conversation about what it is he really wants.

I'm having the "it's not all about your family" tug of war with my FILs as well so I get what you are saying and you can't see it but I'm oozing sympathy. And don't forget to translate what 10K looks like in his terms...to my FI its the equivalent of 2 World Series games.

tidetravel · February 2012

Balls.

Your FI needs to find his.

kmmssg · February 2012

Have you just straight up asked him why your parents should pay 10 grand more to make his mother happy?

You guys need to have a quiet discussion about this - no defenses, no anger. Just talk about what led to your original decision. I"m sorry but when you posted about the 10,000 difference in the cost of the wedding that's where it ended for me.

How can he justify pleasing his mother when it has such an enormous pricetag?

RebeccaB88 · February 2012

Lay out the numbers for him. Sometimes men react better to that than to emotional stuff.

"If we go with the free venue, then we can have these things at the wedding and invite this number of people."

"If we have to pay for a venue, then we have to cut out these things, spend less on these things, and cut our guest list by this number of people."

"Our choices are, to use the free venue, cut our wedding expenses down as I indicated, or your mother can pay for a venue that we agree upon in full, in cash, before invitations go out."

likeadeadstar · February 2012

If FMIL is so put out by the travel, why not see if your parents are willing to chip in on Fi's immediate family's hotels since they'd be saving $10K anyway? Kind of like a gesture of "yes this sucks".

Ultimately, if your parents are paying, they get all the say and if they want to accept the offer.... FMIL is out of luck.

You and FI need to really talk about this. That $10K could go to so many other things on your day.

kateguess22 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-mother-upset-location?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b00476fc-1525-4cc0-9aa0-3e878eef58d1Post:9de9abc5-f49f-4480-9186-4e2617f30f9a">Re: Groom's mother upset about location</a>:
[QUOTE]She's worried the wedding is going to be "about you"? Who is it supposed to be about? Her? Maybe you can make up for it by having a part during the ceremony where you say, "OK, everyone, please spend the next 5 minutes looking at FMIL. becouse she obviously needs attention." I mean, seriously. It's a wedding, not a peace negotiation. It doesn't need to be held on neutral ground.
Posted by chrmun[/QUOTE]

This is an excellent point!!

emfinkbeiner · February 2012

His justifications:

Our only fight over the wedding has been over the location of the wedding.

He came from a broken home and is extremely close to his mother, so it's important to him that she is happy.

His mother pledged $8k if it is in our area; however, if it's in my hometown, she will only pay for the alcohol and the rehearsal dinner. The alcohol and rehearsal dinner would be included in the $8k.

His mother has 2 dogs and 2 cats that have never been put into a kennel. She is an animal lover and she doesn't trust others to take care of her pets. The animals are too big to travel with her.

Only my mom, dad, and sisters live in my hometown and the vast majority of my family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) live in our (we we live now) area.

He would still want to get married in my faith if it was in our area.

His mother was going to pay for the chapel that he wanted. It is a famous chapel, on the university that he graduated from and has gothic architecture.

He has agreed to use the vowes that my parents and grandparents used no matter where the wedding is located.

His mother fears that his side of the family would not travel for the wedding. Also, since the reception will be "Adult Only" his family members with children would not come.

***What do you think about his side of the story?***

emfinkbeiner · February 2012

Edit-

His mother fears that his side of the family would not travel for the wedding. Also, since the reception will be "Adult Only" his mother thinks his family members with children would not come.

tidetravel · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-mother-upset-location?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b00476fc-1525-4cc0-9aa0-3e878eef58d1Post:fd073ae1-71bf-400f-87ac-fe6eeef2e589">Re: Groom's mother upset about location</a>:
[QUOTE]His justifications: Our only fight over the wedding has been over the location of the wedding. He came from a broken home and is extremely close to his mother, so it's important to him that she is happy. His mother pledged $8k if it is in our area; however, if it's in my hometown, she will only pay for the alcohol and the rehearsal dinner. The alcohol and rehearsal dinner would be included in the $8k. His mother has 2 dogs and 2 cats that have never been put into a kennel. She is an animal lover and she doesn't trust others to take care of her pets. The animals are too big to travel with her. Only my mom, dad, and sisters live in my hometown and the vast majority of my family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) live in our (we we live now) area. He would still want to get married in my faith if it was in our area. His mother was going to pay for the chapel that he wanted. It is a famous chapel, on the university that he graduated from and has gothic architecture. He has agreed to use the vowes that my parents and grandparents used no matter where the wedding is located. His mother fears that his side of the family would not travel for the wedding. Also, since the reception will be "Adult Only" his family members with children would not come. <strong>***What do you think about his side of the story?***
</strong>Posted by emfinkbeiner[/QUOTE]
His (or her) points are valid.

The two of you need to learn how to compromise before you actually get married.

jmconley08 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-mother-upset-location?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b00476fc-1525-4cc0-9aa0-3e878eef58d1Post:b4bd6c0c-466b-419f-befb-526512e10925">Re: Groom's mother upset about location</a>:
[QUOTE]Three hours is NOT that far to travel for a wedding. Seriously. And if you did it in the town where SHE want to have it, then your family will have to travel. Have the wedding where you want, and in the place that makes the most sense. Definitely get on the same page as your fiance. Let her know that your mind is made up, and that the subject is closed.
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

agreed.

jmconley08 · February 2012

Also, don't let her be pushy now or it will last foreverrr

Avion22 · February 2012

I'm sorry you totally lost me at the part about her pets. She seriously wants you to pay $10,000 more money so she doesn't have to kennel her PETS?!?!?!

I have pets to, that I love dearly and are part of my family, so I'm not trying to belitte her attachment to them. But kenneling them is not a big deal. I'm kind of disgusted that she would use her PETS as a reason to not want to travel THREE HOURS for her OWN SON'S WEDDING.

Dont AskMeAgain · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-mother-upset-location?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b00476fc-1525-4cc0-9aa0-3e878eef58d1Post:1bcc312e-21a7-4ebb-ba7b-eaab842d9fe8">Re: Groom's mother upset about location</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, don't let her be pushy now or it will last foreverrr
Posted by jmconley08[/QUOTE]

I completely agree with this.

It's nice of her to offer $8,000, but if I were you I would sit down & talk to everyone together. If your parents are paying for the rest of the wedding, then it might be harder for them to plan something, with you two of course, out of town. 3 hours is not that long. And it's not like anyone told her she has to give her pets up for an adoption. It's just one or 2 nights. They will be fine.

mollyehren · February 2012

His justifications:

1.Our only fight over the wedding has been over the location of the wedding.
Trust me if you give in to mom's every whim she will take over and their will be a lot more.

2. He came from a broken home and is extremely close to his mother, so it's important to him that she is happy. Even more important not to give into irrationality, after all mom probably already calls the shots too much or knows exactly how to manipulate to get her way.

3. His mother pledged $8k if it is in our area; however, if it's in my hometown, she will only pay for the alcohol and the rehearsal dinner. The alcohol and rehearsal dinner would be included in the $8k. Alccording to you moving to mil's area cost an extra $10,000. What she is giving you won't even cover the cost of the move much less the rehersal dinner and alcohol. Also if she already is placing strings on her financial contribution do you really think she won't continue to do so?

4.His mother has 2 dogs and 2 cats that have never been put into a kennel. She is an animal lover and she doesn't trust others to take care of her pets. The animals are too big to travel with her. I will assume becuase of the drive she stays overnight. God invented petsitter, visiting pet services and neighbors for a reason or better yet a family member that won't travel due to the no kids rule,

5. Only my mom, dad, and sisters live in my hometown and the vast majority of my family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) live in our (we we live now) area People who see your wedding as a priority will still likely go as long as you have it on a weekend.

6, He would still want to get married in my faith if it was in our area. Benefits of the free place are better.

7. His mother was going to pay for the chapel that he wanted. It is a famous chapel, on the university that he graduated from and has gothic architecture. So what it's still comming out of the 8,000 right.

8.He has agreed to use the vowes that my parents and grandparents used no matter where the wedding is located. Good but how does that have to do with location again? Even more meaningful in the chapel they where married.

9. His mother fears that his side of the family would not travel for the wedding. Also, since the reception will be "Adult Only" his family members with children would not come. Yes travel does prohibit people but alot of my friends weddings actually had a HIGHER decline rate on people who lived in the same city. The important people ususally make it. Any time you do adults only there is people who choose not to good irregardless of where it is held. Is paying for a group babysitter an option in either location?

Groom's mother upset about location

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