I just don't get it... (a TK rant)

AlmostMrsStrong · January 2012

I have read so many posts on here from brides who are freaking out because "OH MY GOD MY BRIDESMAIDS AREN'T DOING WHAT I TELL THEM TO DO!!!" What on earth clicks in a woman's brain that makes her think that bridesmaid = personal slave until the wedding?

I mean, aren't bridesmaids supposed to be the people closest to you? I asked three good friends and three cousins, and half of my bridesmaids live out of town and won't be able to do any in-person pre-wedding things with me beforehand because there is simply no way they can be in town for every little thing even if they wanted to. Am I going to flip out on them and threaten to kick them out of my wedding? Hell no. Their proximity has nothing to do with how much they mean to me. They are adults and perfectly capable of ordering a dress without me hovering over their shoulder.

I think there are a lot of brides here who need a serious reality check, Your bridesmaids are your friends and family. Are you going to ruin your relationship with them over one freaking day?

Sorry for the rant, but it pisses me off every time I read another self-centered bridezilla complaining about how her bridesmaids aren't "doing anything" for her. Maybe if you treated them like the friend they are supposed to be, they'd be more willing to be there for you. Maybe they're just busy. Other people's lives don't go on hold because YOU are getting married.

If you are one of these women...why? I really, really don't understand it.

ski2play · January 2012

Because they are special snowflakes.

lyndausvi · January 2012

I have no idea. My BMs were all OOT from me. Sure my sister (MOH) and BFF (BM) helped the one weekend we were all together 3 months before the wedding and then again the day or 2 before the weddings, because, well they wanted to. But none of the others did and still everything got done without their help.

I did get help from.... get this... THE GROOM. I know, radical asking the groom to help in his own damn wedding?

Oh and why do the GMs get out of 'helping' but the BMs are almost expected?

achiduck · January 2012

The groom? He... helped? OMG stop the presses.

froggatt.clare · January 2012

I don't get it either. But I don't know that we'll find ppl on this particular board who can rationally explain it b/c, well, those brides are usually the ones who feel sorry for our husbands/FIs.

Seriously, though, you are 100% right. Why do people put their closest friendships in jeopardy in the name of a glorified party?

AlmostMrsStrong · January 2012

What groom? I don't have a groom. It's MY day. Duh!

lyndausvi · January 2012

Well being a chef he helped in the menu, cake design, candy bar and of course the bar.

I didn't have much DYI stuff, so that helped.

Bonzo2011 · January 2012

I completely agree. I mostly lurk, but it really irritates me when I read these complaints that BMs aren't doing slave labor. That's not what they're there for! Ironically, I've run into problems with my BMs from me being more laid back than they expected. Originally I wanted them to all pick their own dresses of similar shades/material. Except for my sister (MOH) I actually got a lot of resistance. They wanted me to pick because they wanted me to be happy. Every time I said I wanted them to spend their money on something they really liked, it was they same response, "we'll like whatever you like." eventually I gave in and picked some styles I liked and told them to choose between. And I still was getting indecisiveness from some! I never thought I could get so much resistance to being what I thought was considerate. I guess the bridal industry has brainwashed all my friends!

LeenieLane · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_just-dont-tk-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4dcc5bb-ac55-43aa-a432-c1704368fae5Post:4c009d3e-0ef7-4834-8b70-93714951dc90">Re: I just don't get it... (a TK rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]Wait, there's a groom?
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

LMAO!!!

lyndausvi · January 2012

My BMs were the exact same way. Finally I just gave in and picked a dress. They were so annoyed i was too laid back they got together on their own to pick out their jewelry and nail polish.

Whatever, I really didn't give a shiit about their nail polish. If they wanted to match, it was on them.

** they were happy to get to pick their own shoes.

froggatt.clare · January 2012

Not to repeat the 'evil wedding industry' rant again and again, but we are BOMBARDED with images of brides doing every flipping thing with their bridesmaids, that brides just come to expect the maids will be more than ready to tie ribbons on bubble wands, go to every dress shopping trip and all fittings, and join bridal bootcamp classes (PS spot training doesn't work). My MOH is finishing college and I have 2 bridesmaids TTC (one also has a 3 year old). I'm thrilled to have them with me on the wedding day. Anything else is just the extra frills.

Hilraythebride · January 2012

I read a story somewhere about a bride to be asking all her bridesmaids to come over to her house for the bacherlorette party and help her make wedding center pieces. Afterwards the girls were excited to go out but instead she ordered a pizza and went to sleep, they went out instead!!! Sometimes brides can forget that these women are sacrificing time from their own lives and money to be a part of your special day. Being in a wedding is a very selfless act and brides need to remember that.

Megbo2012 · January 2012

I picked a length, fabric and color and MOH and I went and she tried a million on until we narrowed it down to the designer. I sent them all an email with about 6 dressed we liked, not that they were limited to these, but just a start. Those I did not get to go with to try them on texted and emailed me for approval. It was really sweet, but they honestly looked great in every dress and I told them I liked them all, and asked if they liked them. "But, do you like it?!" Yes, yes I do. But you are the one paying and wearing it so I'd like you to be happy as well.

Strange concept that I care about my close friends feelings, I know.

ArynBaker · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_just-dont-tk-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4dcc5bb-ac55-43aa-a432-c1704368fae5Post:459dca52-7627-4c40-b54d-c6b394510807">Re: I just don't get it... (a TK rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]I Originally I wanted them to all pick their own dresses of similar shades/material...Every time I said I wanted them to spend their money on something they really liked, it was they same response, "we'll like whatever you like." eventually I gave in and picked some styles I liked...
Posted by Bonzo2011[/QUOTE]

<div>Same here! I tried giving them a lot of freedom and they all said they'd wear whatever I wanted. I finally chose a designer, color and fabric and they'll choose the style. Even that was hard to get them to agree to but there are such different body shapes that it would be hard to find a dress that flatters all. </div>

professorscience · January 2012

Bonzo, ITA. Most of my bridesmaids were pretty laid back, but my MOH got kind of crazy sometimes. She would call and complain that the other girls weren't doing their part or responding to her emails. I finally said, "Dude, it's okay. The job of the bridesmaids is to show up in a pretty dress." To which she replied, "No, the job of the bridesmaids is to PAY UP." Filled me with a sense of dread for her wedding.

Bonzo2011 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_just-dont-tk-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4dcc5bb-ac55-43aa-a432-c1704368fae5Post:e64191bd-9d4d-4902-90d4-81d5cd0003b8">Re: I just don't get it... (a TK rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I just don't get it... (a TK rant) : Same here! I tried giving them a lot of freedom and they all said they'd wear whatever I wanted. I finally chose a designer, color and fabric and they'll choose the style. Even that was hard to get them to agree to but there are such different body shapes that it would be hard to find a dress that flatters all.
Posted by ArynBaker[/QUOTE]

Exactly! The different body types is one of the reasons I really wanted them to pick their own styles. Oh well, the dresses are all ordered now, they say they're happy, and I like what was chosen. Mostly I'm relieved that this ordeal is over! And they will all look beautiful, and most importantly, they will look like the ladies I know and love.

One of my BMs even asked me what color I want her hair for the wedding. Ummm...what? She dyes her hair, but never anything outrageous. Though even if it were crazy colors, I don't think it would be my place to tell her what color to dye it. Apparently for her wedding this past summer, her mom was picky about which color she dyed her hair. A little weird, but whatever. I'll give a MOB a small pass for that. But me? No way am I telling her what color h hair should be!

pretzelgrrl · January 2012

I honestly think that this is not the norm but who is going to post "everything is going awesome" so all of the bridezilla posts get more attention. I didn't expect my bridesmaids to do anything except help me pick out their dresses, then buy them, and show up to rehearsal and the wedding. Of course, I still had bridesmaid drama (like my mom and others thinking the bridesmaids had to do more but that is a different story)

Britoz · January 2012

Yay! I've been wondering when someone was goint to rant about the whineybutts. Some people. I get a kick out of everytime someone says their budget of $20K is too small. I bust up laughing right in the middle of my college's library one day. Our budget is $3K and that's stretching it. But hey, I guess it's all about where you live, how old you are, and many other contributing factors, but I just can't fathom $20K not being enough... Guess I'm just a poor college student though. =D

AlmostMrsStrong · January 2012

I picked out three or four different dresses after lots of internet discussion with all my girls about what they liked and didn't like. I actually was able to go with 4 of my 6 bridesmaids (not all on the same day) to try them on and see which dress they liked best. They all picked the same dress, surprisingly. I wanted everyone in the same dress so I was secretly thrilled, but I was willing to have them wear different dresses if it meant they all looked and felt good.

I had a color crisis a few weeks ago and discussed a few color options with my girls. One of them told me "I don't think this coloring would look flattering on me, but I'll wear it if you want". *shakes head* Silly girl knows I don't want anyone to look bad, but unfortunately there are brides who will sabotage their bridesmaids to make sure they look the best.

My coworkers stared at me like I had two heads when I told them that my bridesmaids' comfort came before any 'dream' vision for my wedding. One girl told me "I don't care if they look horrible, they're going to wear what I tell them to wear and they'll get over it!" Seriously?? You're okay with demanding that someone shell out a lot of money to look terrible?

ArynBaker · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_just-dont-tk-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4dcc5bb-ac55-43aa-a432-c1704368fae5Post:12c23b6a-46db-42d7-a80e-66a93b167bb7">Re: I just don't get it... (a TK rant)</a>:
[QUOTE] I don't want anyone to look bad, but unfortunately there are brides who will sabotage their bridesmaids to make sure they look the best.
Posted by AlmostMrsStrong[/QUOTE]

<div>My old roommate wondered if her friend did this. She was a BM and required to wear this hot pink bubble dress with a HUGE bow on the front. It would only look good on a a model, and even that is a maybe. </div>

JanoBean75 · January 2012

I didn't ask for any help other than hanging out w/ me when H went out for his bach party. We watched chick flicks and I worked on DIY. One offered to help, but she knows me well enough to know I like doing my projects on my own, so she laughed and said she was kidding.

I gave them a color and length for the dress and let them pick what they wanted. Shoes, hair, make-up, etc. was all up to them. I wanted each of them to be comfortable. We coordinated best times for all of us to go dress shopping and they all found something they each liked practically the same day.

I don't understand why some brides make it out to be difficult. Planning a wedding isn't hard. Stop stressing.

toothpastechica · January 2012

I agree! I have noticed this too lately that theres been lots of posts about bridemaids not doing enough. uhhh...I told my bridesmaids they can do as much or as little as they want, i made sure the dresses and shoes were affordable to them and that they all got to try them on and confirm they liked it before buying it. My MOH has asked me numerous times "are you sure theres nothing you need my help with" and I've told her, if you want to plan a stagette you can, but i dont need one if you dont have time, so i think shes working on that..other then that, my bridesmaids will do as mentioned....show up and look pretty

sweetcanadian1979 · January 2012

I am anal about things so i like to do them myself, this way i know they get done my way, when people help they do it their way (as it should be sometimes). I do not ask for a lot of help.

I had a bm drop out. She did not like that 1 bm does nothing (i told her there was nothing to do?). She had it in her head that they all had to get together & plan things over a year out (what is to plan?). She got upset that i had a friend who was not in the bp help me put together a few baskets (5) because my friend happened to come to my house when i was doing them & i was not going to insult her by phoning up my bm & asking her to come help when my friend was perfectly capable of holding up wrap so i could grab it.

I don't get where people come up with these things. She did not even tell me herself she was dropping out, she put it on fb, i was too busy to see it & had a friend mention it to me. She told me that is not the way things should be. I was baffled. I have not hung out with her since.

I admit i was niave about some things when i came to tk. In my circle the bridesmaids do plan the parties & such, it is just the way it is. I have insisted though that they keep costs down & veggie trays made up or sandwiches etc is perfectly acceptable for shower food & that cake can come from a box for all i care. I am not a fancy fussy person so i do not need that.

I did specify though that the person planning ask (not tell or demand) if the others want to be involved & if they are able to contribute but she has to accept that they may not be able to & to plan according to what can be afforded. I also said not everyone had to put in the same & to do it in private so that no one feels bad. She was ok with that. I want my girls to feel good, not feel like they had to shell out $1000.

So far the only expense has been the dress, one was 70, one was 100, they bought them on their own. I told them what kind of shoe i prefer but to get them out of their closet unless they really wanted to buy new ones & that ultimately it was up to them as i am not paying for shoes. I am paying for their hair but i don't care what styles, they know what looks good, i don't. As for accessories they can wear whatever they want. I don't care about those details but some think it is weird. They want to "sort of match" like either small or large bold jewelry.

The thing i am going to notice in my pics is the smiling faces. I may notice little details later on but they won't mar my day one bit.

My fiance helps alot. I am diy bouquets & have decided to do them all different because they have different dresses & it felt good tonight for him to tell me the mock up i did looked good. I had it so that it wasn't 100% perfect (yes on purpose, i want the filler i have to stand out just a bit, barely noticable). He told me that nothing in life is perfect & he loved how i made them imperfect for that reason.

My girls are all local but they have lives & are extremely busy. I accept that as the way it is.

RaptorSLH · January 2012

[QUOTE]I honestly think that this is not the norm but who is going to post "everything is going awesome" so all of the bridezilla posts get more attention. <div>Posted by pretzelgrrl[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>Maybe we should start a new tradition. Awesome Wedding Party Wednesdays ;-)</div><div>
</div><div>I love the girls who act like there's no way to communicate with a willing OOT BM. My OOT BM and I shopped for our dresses "together" by taking pictures and sending Star Trek-themed PowerPoints back and forth. (Yes, we're geeks. My BM is awesome.) Figure out how to use the internet already!</div><div>
</div><div>Mostly, I love that having OOT family and BMs mean my FI and I (yes, both of us) are planning this ourselves. It pretty much eliminates the possibility of a momzilla, for one thing. It took the two of us 45 minutes of concerted arguing to convince her to drop this cockamamie idea of lining the aisle with giant clusters of balloons, and we still haven't convinced her not to drape random gauze all over the venue like someone TP'd the place. *facepalm*</div><div>
</div><div>I am a teeny bit bummed about probably not getting a bachelorette, but I'd be way more bummed if I'd rejected some of my best friends because they live too far away to give me one.</div><div>
</div><div>They did both surprise me on the dress. I let the two of them decide between DB and AA so they can each buy locally (they each pick their own style in the same color/length/fabric, too.) If someone offered me that choice, I'd be running for the first $60 DB dress to come in my size. Instead, they were both happier at AA, even though it will cost more. *shrug* OK....</div><div>
</div><div>lynda, your puppy gets cuter everytime I see that picture.

</div>

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