help me to not be selfish

MandK9 · December 2010

I have my wedding date set for September 10 next year. My best friend for years (the only non-family member on my side) is one of my bridesmaids. I just went down to visit her out-of-state, at which point she told me that she and her husband are trying to conceive their second child. I'm excited! I love her son, and know that I'll love the next one too

However, chances are high and rising that she will be 8 or 9 months pregnant at the time of my wedding. She won't be able to come, period, since she can't travel after the 7th month. I'm sad about this. I want her there, and I'm trying to be a good friend, but I feel like my emotional side is getting carried away. Talk me down. Tell me logical things. Thanks.

Tula214 · December 2010

My MOH just found out that she's pregnant with twins. Her due date is early june, but chances are she will deliver early. It was very important to me that she be in my wedding party, and be feeling great standing up there with me. I have nothing booked yet so I'm changing my date. (More time to save $$ anyway)

Remember that she doesn't have to revolve her life around your wedding. I'm sure there's more to the story, but that's the bottom line. Be happy for her.

MandK9 · December 2010

Right, of course she doesn't, and that's what I tell myself. And my brain knows I'm being overemotional. Also, I'm sort of letting out my emotion here because I would never let her know I have sad feelings. I will just be sad to not have her with me on that day.

I promise I'm not crazy. I know she has no obligations, I just wish I could have her there. That's all.

Tula214 · December 2010

I realize that. I have also thought some very selfish things about people and my wedding. I just had to do what you did; have someone tell me to stop. People say it's your day, but that doesn't mean everything goes the way you want. Right?

sister2groom · December 2010

It's not selfish to be sad she's missing this special time, since you obviously recognize her own special times take priority for her. I mean, it would be almost more weird if you were completely happy she wasn't coming, because then it would seem like she wouldn't be missed.

When you get back from your honeymoon and have time to go visit her, you can sit down together and ooh and aw over eachother's new pictures (baby and wedding).

NillaWafer10 · December 2010

Have you considered moving the date so she can attend? If you do want to move the date, I would discuss it with her first. She may not want to travel with a newborn

Simply Fated · December 2010

It's not selfish to want her there, of course. It is selfish to think that she should put aside her family plans for your wedding, though.

The thing is, I'm sure you don't expect her to plan her pregnancy around your wedding, but even I have to wonder if she did consider that she might miss your wedding for it.

The most logical thing I can tell you is to not worry about it. It will be sad if she can't make it, but that's her choice. I would just be happy for her, just like I'm sure she'll be happy for you.

MandK9 · December 2010

Nilla, we're not able to. Due to lots of date stipulations, we were sort of locked into having it in a 2 week window.

And thanks for your help, ladies. Of course a baby is a MUCH bigger deal than a wedding, no comparison, and I will be very excited to meet the little guy/girl. I do know that she had thought about the fact that her timing might make her miss the wedding, because she was the one who brought it to my attention. I think it's the pouty kid in me coming out.

Also, at least I'll have a long time to get used to the idea. Lol.

ElleestJenn · December 2010

Just because they're TTC now doesn't mean she's getting pregnant right away. Sometime it takes time. I hope everything works out!

MegaMultitasker · December 2010

That's so unfortunate the times conflict like that!

You're not selfish for being disappointed your friend might not be at your wedding, that's only natural and from the way you're talking, you're being very reasonable/understanding.

She's not pregnant yet, so wait and see what happens, and maybe not stress until it happens...if timing works out that she's a "little pregnant" and she's comfortable being a bridesmaid/traveling, she can still be apart of the day. If she is very pregnant by the time of your wedding, can you go visit before the wedding to bond and see her before she has the baby. Friends are important part of life, but family comes first (this is the Italian in me), so that's something to keep in mind,

Here's a suggestion, if she can't be there because of traveling, some people have webcasts of the wedding--it's not the same, but it's a way she could still be there. all the best to you and your friend.

deepcovejackie · December 2010

She's not pregnant yet. The average couple has around a 10% chance of conceiving per cycle. It's very more likely that she won't be due at your wedding. I understand your feelings though, but it's probably going to be fine.

trix1223 · December 2010

I was 7.5 months pregnant and flew from New Jersey to S.Dakota for my grandma's funeral. Why can't she travel?

MyNameIsNot · December 2010

It's totally normal to be sad if your good friend won't be able to make it! Your reaction is very normal.

But PPs are right. It is rare that a couple is able to get pregnant the very first time they try. It's very likely that she'll take a few months to actually get pregnant, and end up not being due until next winter, in which case she would be able to come.

ashley1721 · December 2010

I agree with PP, maybe she wont get pregnant right when they want her to.
Not sure if its true but I have also heard its easier to get pregnant the second time around.

MandK9 · December 2010

I guess she's the one that told me that doctors say you can't travel during the 8th or 9th month. They have been trying for a few months, and I know she's not pregnant now. Her husband is in the military, and with his time away and her cycle, the next time she can conceive is mid-January, which would make her due in October? So my wedding would be into her 8th month. That's assuming she gets pregnant on this next ovulation cycle (she likes to keep people in the loop with this stuff, lol).

So, I guess if she gets pregnant on this next chance, she won't be there. If not, she probably will be there.

Thanks for the support. Here's another issue: we just ordered BM dresses. I had her send me her size, and she is currently a 4. She had me order a 4 for her, and said "If I'm pregnant, we'll figure out alterations or something." The dress is an empire waist A-line, so I'm just going to hope that her chest doesn't get massively larger, or the dress won't fit, and it's being discontinued at the end of this month. So I guess it's do-or-die on two counts. *Sigh*

MyNameIsNot · December 2010

For the dress, I'd hold off a couple of months to order hers. They usually take 3 months max to come in. You could get away with waiting a bit to order. That way you'd have a better idea of how far along she'll be, and you can therefore decide whether to do a maternity alternative or to just order that dress a size larger.

rclarke08 · December 2010

I am in some what of the same situation.. my MOH found out she was pregnant the DAY after we ordered all the wedding party attire. She is due 5 months before my wedding and will not be able to attend my cruise wedding because she will have an infant. Although she will be able to attend the actual ceremony and reception she won't be able to criuise with the rest of the guests like originally planned. I felt sad at first but now that she is far along in her pregnancy, I couldn't be happier for her. I'm SURE these feelings will go away with time and once you see her excitement when she finds out she is pregnant. Who knows, she may not be!! Good luck

Queen Jane · December 2010

Unless she has pregnancy complications, there's really no reason she can't travel that late in the pregnancy, other than sheer discomfort. They just prefer you to be nearby "in case", but there's no actual medical reason (in an uncomplicated pregnancy) not to travel. I think it's normal to be bummed about it, but like PP's said she may not get preg right away. As far as her chest getting bigger or not, that's not really something anyone can control. Chances are if she is very pregnant at the time of your wedding, she may need a different dress, but that's no big deal, they make wonderful maternity dresses now. Hope it all works out for you!

jerseydevil · December 2010

This is pretty early to order the BM dresses and it's likely that she'll need to pick up a completely different dress if she is far or halfway into her pregnancy at the time of your wedding. Just something to keep in mind.

KristyIan11 · December 2010

I have a BM that will be two weeks from her due date at the time of my wedding. The wedding is only an hour and a half away from her hospital, so we are just assuming that she will be there, but I won't be mad if she can't. Her husband is also in the wedding party so it will stay even if they have to miss. I'm extremely happy for them and they and the baby are so much more important than my wedding.

ksparks10 · December 2010

I agree with PP -- wait a while to order the BM dress. You have awhile until your wedding, and it gives your girls some time to save up.

I also liked the idea of the webcast. That way she can still "be there."

help me to not be selfish

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