What do I do about my unhappy MOH?

aedawson13 · March 2010

So I picked my bridesmaid dresses and I asked my bridesmaids to share their opinions on how they look, how they'll feel in them, the price, etc. I picked 5 dressed from J. Crew and just asked that they pick the one they want in the color I chose. Everyone was on board.
Fast forward to now...My MOH (who is also my lifelong best friend) has started sending me pictures of other (cheaper) dresses and suggesting them. She is saying they cost much less than the J. Crew ones and offer better boob coverage. She's right about the cost but I speficially asked about 10 times about the price and no one said it was prohibitive. I specifically chose the J. Crew dresses because I love them and I am going for a certain look of clean and classic. I have not found that in any other dresses and especially not in the ones she is sending me.
I'm a little frustrated because I really want the girls to wear these dresses and I have already asked them all to buy them. As far as I know she is the first one to get her's but I know everyone else has picked the one they want and are ordering soon. I could go back and suggest one of the dresses she has sent me but I don't like them. They are cute dresses but they're just cotton sundresses from Victoria's Secret and look nothing like the ones I want. I wish she would've said something sooner and I also wish she would just be a little more supportive. She is the only one who has been vocal about NOT doing everything I have suggested or wanted-even beyond the dresses. I expected a lot more from my best friend and MOH but she is kind of letting me down. I get that money is tight and I am happy to buy it for her if it is truly standing in the way of her being in my wedding (I wanted to buy everyone's but we have 12 attendants total and just can't afford to pay for everyone's attire).
So I'm not sure what to do now. I want to respect her wishes and make her happy but...and I hate saying this...it's my wedding and I really want the girls in a certain dress. Do I start looking for different dresses that she likes or just tell her she's going to have to wear it?

gottahavashorti · March 2010

Let her know that those dresses don't match the formality of the wedding. Can she get matching fabric or use the length cut off the dress of a shorter BM to add coverage to hers?

There are a lot of JCrew dresses on ebay. Depending on the color and size she needs, she may be able to find something there. Also offer to help out with the cost if the cost is prohibitive for her. JCrew dresses are on the expensive side, although there are usually a few styles on sale.

banana468 · March 2010

I think you went about things the wrong way honestly.

I thought it was OK to say, "I like this dress what do you think?" too. Then it was brought to my attention and I realized that doing things that way is not prudent. It puts your BMs on the spot in an awkward way.

Instead, the better thing to do would have been to say, "Hey, what's your budget for a dress?" to each BM.

Then, "Let's look for dresses that we all like."

So with the J.Crew dress, your MOH is voicing some concerns. Talk to her about them. It looks like money and coverage (two very real issues with some of those dresses) are her concerns. So talk to her about them. Ask her if there is a style she likes even if it's out of her budget. J.Crew puts items on sale all the time.

The other idea is to look for dresses that are lower cost from the start. Ask her what she's willing to spend up front. Since you have some time, work with her and hopefully you two can come to an agreement.

I agree with you that the dresses should meet your approval - but that doesn't mean that you do get to pick the one you want from the start unless you're buying it for your BMs.

bablingbrooke · March 2010

It's starting to sound like the styles don't look good on this BM (which can happen if they don't try them on before you decide on a dress) and now she wants something that makes her look better or, if that's out of the question, something cheaper. If she already agreed to this style, then she really can't complain this late in the game. But if you just said "wear one of these" without any input from her, this was a risk you were taking.

If the cost is truly prohibitive, and you're willing to do so, just offer to buy the dress for her. It may not be fair to them but it would be just as unfair to go back on what you told them to do regarding dresses, especially to the one who already ordered hers. Then she can't complain. I personally think that finances are a case-by-case basis, and if she's just now saying it's too expensive, just pay for her. Ask her to keep it just between the two of you.

Regarding the style, I agree that she can take some leftover fabric and have a seamstress give her some extra coverage.

mvmurkowski · March 2010

I think you did all you can do, you asked everyone if they liked them and could aford them. If there was an issue that she didn't talk to you about then she has no one to blame but herself. Having said that, she's obviouly important to you and you don't want to damage a friendship over this. This is your wedding so the style of the wedding has to be what you want. If all the other BMs like the dress then keep it. Talk to her about the money issue and if you're ok with doing it, offer to pay for a portion of the dress (whatever the price of the VS one she wants should indicate her ideal price, pay for the difference). I think she should still pay a portion of the dress b/c you don't want her to think she can throw a temper tantrum and get her way. Not to mention people only value things that they have to pay for, she's keeping the dress and will probably be wearing it again. Then like brooke said ask her to keep it between the two of you.

Good luck!

MyNameIsNot · March 2010

I agree 100% with Banana. This is why it's so important to ask them for their budget right off the bat.

She's the one paying for the dress and wearing it, so it's important that she's comfortable with the price and style. She may have felt uncomfortable telling you about the money issues right off the bat, or she may have thought that she could come up with extra money.

banana468 · March 2010

[QUOTE]Not to mention people only value things that they have to pay for[/QUOTE]

Huh? Please tell me that when you read this out of context you understand that it comes across as rather offensive.

anne.azano · March 2010

Not all J. Crew dresses are that expensive... I picked silk tricotine and bright hydrangea, and said they could do any of those dresses, as long as it's in the right color. The sophia is 165, and half the colors are on sale between 70 and 130. That's not that bad for a bridesmaid dress. Which fabric/color are you after?

Also, ditto what a PP said about paying for the dress. Could you offer to help her out, maybe cover the difference between the victoria's secrets dress and the j.crew one? I think it would have to be your little secret so the others don't hear about it and get mad, but it's an idea. I'm contributing 50 bucks to my sister's dress cause she doesn't make much money, but not to the other bridesmaid who is fine financially.

megandjay · March 2010

I agree with PPs, try looking on ebay and see if there is one on sale.

Otherwise maybe offer to pay the price difference? I am paying for the extra material that some of my BMs HAD to order due to their sizes. I don't think it would be unusual or unfair if you paid for some of her dress- just to cover the difference between her budget and the full cost of the dress.

swim1011 · March 2010

I asked a late add on BM (nope, didn't fire anyone!) what her budget was, since the other girls had already picked out dresses months before, just hadn't ordered. When it was below what the price of the dress is ($200), I offered to pay for what she couldn't afford, especially since she's still in college.

If your MOH didn't speak up before now about price being an issue, I understand why now seems a bad time to bring it up- did you ask her alone, or ask them in a group? That could make some uncomfortable and not want to rock the boat. Also, I *completely* get the not enough coverage part- I had this issue when in my bff's wedding last year, and she was not happy that I was going with what she wanted. I also didn't want to flash the whole audience when standing next to her, either.

One other thing- is something going on otherwise in your BM's life? I was pretty horrid at times last year during the time before my bff's wedding, and it was completely unrelated to her wedding (losing my job, FI's job future wasn't certain, it was very, very stressful). But, I took it out on my bff, and she never asked me if what was going on was related to something besides her wedding, she just assumed it was was bc of her wedding. It caused a lot of problems between us. Try talking to your MOH without any wedding talk, you may be surprised by what you learn.

felicia220 · March 2010

Why don't you see if there is a different J.Crew dress that you are both happy with in the same color as the other girls. She is the MOH so it is okay for her to stand out a little from the rest of the girls. You can then offer to help pay for her dress. She is the MOH and should get a little more then the other girls as the MOH usually shells out more money then the other girls. I think that by doing this, you get the J.Crew dress, she finds a style she likes and the cost will be easier on her. It could be the perfect compromise.

mbcdefg · March 2010

I've never worn a J. Crew dress, but from what I hear they are very unforgiving for busty girls. Which is why I never looked into them for my own bridesmaids.

She may have told you from the beginning that she was O.K. with the price, but there's a good possibility that she might not have been truthful. If you asked them in a group, she may have been embarrassed to have been the only one to speak up and say it was too expensive (remember back in school when the teacher asked, "Any questions?" and you didn't put your hand up because you were too afraid to look like the only dope who wasn't getting it?). There's also a good chance that the other BMs might feel the same way but are also keeping mum out of embarrassment.

Also, too many times when it comes to weddings, we unfortunately hear about bridesmaids being labeled as "biitches" when they don't go along with the bride's wish. Someone on my club board wrote that she wanted her BMs to get red shoes for the reception entrance, and all the BMs except one agreed to it, and everyone's response was basically, "What an uncooperative biitch! Why can't she just do what you're asking her since it's YOUR DAY?!?" Ugh. What a horrible way to talk about one's friends. So your MOH might have kept quiet about the price in the beginning out of fear of looking like a biitch, or just out of friendship for you ... I know that, if my friend/sister told me that she loved a certain dress, I'd have a hard time refusing because I'd want her to be happy, and I'll bet that your MOH feels the same way.

Or, who knows, her financial situation may have changed since she initially agreed to the dress. I can't afford things right now that I could've easily afforded as recently as two months ago. About a year ago, I was coming off of a long period of unemployment and my main priority was paying off bills, not buying clothes.

Just trying to give you some different viewpoints to think about. The main thing is to talk to your MOH, keep the lines of communication open and figure out a compromise you can both deal with. A cheaper J. Crew dress from eBay, and some alterations to make it more modest, sounds like a good plan.

What do I do about my unhappy MOH?

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