Do I Really Have to Invite Cousins I'm Not Close With?

phyllicia97 · March 2010

Hi Hawaii Brides,

I'm facing a dilemma with my guest list and I need your advice.

My fiance and I decided that why we love everyone in our family, we decided to invite family and friends who have TRULY made an impact on our lives. I'm at crossroads with inviting my aunty's children because 1) they really haven't done much for me in my life; 2) I have to end up inviting their girlfriends/boyfriend/husband that I barely even know and 3) they embarass the hell of other family members at gatherings with their immature actions, which wouldn't be taken likely with my fiance's family. Since we are paying for the reception, we don't want to waste $320 on them when we could be paying for others who have supported us. How would you approach this issue?

Thank you for your advice!

jackcody · March 2010

I totally feel you! My cousins on my mom's side of the family are all at least 15 years older than me, so I never knew them well. I was totally prepared to just invite my aunts & uncles, but my Mom reminded me that this is partly their day too. So we invited them, but also communicated to my aunts and uncles in passing that, "we understand how expensive it is to travel, so no pressure for our cousins to come." We also didn't invite girlfriends who haven't been "recognized" as family or any of my cousins' children (that would've added like 15 to our numbers!). And, finally, for those "Black Sheep" who we hear about/from less than once a year (one case a cousin was married, got pregnant and had children without any of the west coast family knowing about it) we didn't send a "save the date" and also plan to send the invites a little closer to the wedding than for others.

This is all very, very poor etiquette and scheming, so it's not a recommended course of action. Just sharing what I did in hopes that it helps you. My parents are in on it all too, so I don't feel so bad.

phyllicia97 · March 2010

Hi JackCody,

Thank you for your advice. It's good to know that there's another bride out there that has the same dilemma as me. I'll defintely take your advice even if it does involve a little bit of scheming.

madstaylor · March 2010

Im having the same problem, sort of. My dads sister is the black sheep and had a lot of kids back in the day (like 8). Im close to the 3 daughters but I cannot stand the 5 boys or my Aunt. I cant figure out how to invite the girls (they are all grown and live in different towns) without inviting the rest

Horrible I know, but really they wouldnt even know who I was if they saw me on the street- not as if that bothers me.

cryssv · March 2010

I am so with you ladies on this one. I have a HUGE family on both my Mom and Dad's side. Part of my decision to have a destination wedding was because of this factor.... I don't want to spend $1000's of dollars on feeding people I probably wouldn't stop and say hi to on the street. I honestly don't think these people would spend the time or money to come to Maui to see me get married.

JackCody - you can call it scheming but I think you're brilliant LOL, I think I may just have to use that one.

jackcody · March 2010

LOL...glad I could be of assistance!!

One thing I left out, though, was that if you invite one cousin you should invite all of them. I think you can "scheme" a bit and invite some later than others, and "encourage" some more than others. But I could just imagine one cousin not getting invited and it getting back to their mom and then to my mom, and there would be Hell to pay. Then again, there are those "black sheep" where it would NEVER get back to anyone, so, oh well.

Good luck scheming

pinkmochiball · March 2010

hehe that's such a great plan and i totally agree about if you invite one, you should invite them all. word spreads like wildfire...and you don't want a big stinker leading up to and on the wedding day....sending the invites out closer to the wedding is brilliant! i'll have to remember this when my time comes

hehehehehe!

kaesha · March 2010

Ah, guest lists can be such a PITA! I think that if you're comfortable with the relationship taking a turn for the worse and of alienating the cousins/aunt/uncle, then by all means don't invite them. But, if you want to have a relationship with any of them after the wedding... you do kinda need to invite them.

ETweet · March 2010

Love this question because we faced the same dilemma. Personally, I didn't invite any people that we weren't close with, whether that was friends or relatives. It's your day and your money. Our belief in this is part of the reason we had a DW. I didn't want to have to deal with people that I don't have a connection with and I absolutely hate the akward conversations. I feel bad for my friends who have weddings back home because EVERYONE comes; co-workers, parent's friends, etc. YUCK!

carrieoz_76 · March 2010

We're a little like jackcody - but with a smaller guest list, I think. We sent STDs to only about 25 people - those who we're closest to. We'll send invitations to our bigger guest list 3 months before the wedding, and we may accidentally delay some of those invitations a month for a few people. It's awful, and not nice, but there's a lot of family pressure to invite everyone, but I'm trying to make it work so that doesn't mean that everyone actually shows up.

The logistics involved in going to Hawaii do help with this.

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