A wedding with just the Bride and Groom

aMrsin09 · April 2010

My mom also plays the guilt card every chance she gets. I learned to ignore it as a teenager and have carried that lesson through my adulthood.

Have to say, if I was 14 I'd be mad that I was missing the PR portion of the event. The ceremony, probably not so much.

ohwhynot · April 2010

FWIW, we're taking the kids on our honeymoon, but I can see why that isn't everyone's cup of tea. It's more of a family celebration to us, so we're having a family vacation afterwards. We may do a weekend getaway with jsut the two of us later.

arthomas82 · April 2010

1) Its your 3rd wedding so JOP is more appropriate anyway.
2) Thats wrong to exclude your daughter.

Stilettoteez · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-just-bride-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:58a956f5-6a46-4d95-a156-8466c510b78cPost:12df166c-e224-4a06-8369-f26b01d8b3ce">Re: A wedding with just the Bride and Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm a mom and I really don't get why anyone would want to take their children on their honeymoon. NO WAY! We are also eloping (and having an AHR once home) and I feel no obligation to turn our getaway into a family vacay. To include your precious daughter, maybe you could do a touching and meaningful moment at the AHR...if you're having one. You could give a speech or a few meaningful words to her, bestow a gift (a necklace maybe) and do a candle lighting or something meaningful for the three of you. It would be a type of commitment ceremony to include her and would be beautiful!!!
Posted by Festiva[/QUOTE]

That's what we discussed.. having a small gathering at home when we return to celebrate and wearing our wedding clothes letting her get a nice dress etc..

As to my mom guilting us.. yup I am standing up thankfully... when she heard we were engaged she already started to try to plan who to invite and not.. and was crushed when I told her there would be no wedding here.

I love my daughter.. again this is my 3rd marriage.. she love my fiance and they get along well...... I will talk to her again.. about it.. and see what happens.

Stilettoteez · April 2010

I was 22 when I first got married..

30 the second time

I'm 39.. and what I mean about entertaining her.. is not that i'm immature.. is that..she's 14.. and everytime we've gone away she goes into her misery mode.. and either doesn't want to do anything but stay put or she will be upset about what we plan to do because it's not what she wants to do..

so to keep the peace I would have to plan events to keep her entertain so that everyone is happy..

Stilettoteez · April 2010

and being our 3rd marriage for both myself and my fiance.. we definately don't want to make it a big deal.

ohwhynot · April 2010

Okay, fair enough - I didn't mean to sound demeaning, but I was really curious. 14 year olds can be a huge pain in the ass - no argument there. But honestly, this is a huge life-changing deal for her. You can have it both ways, as people suggested - include her in the ceremony (here OR there) and still have your time away with your husband. Tell your mother to stuff it.

MISSCOURTNEY20 · April 2010

All I am going to say is, the LAST thing you want when you get home from your wedding/HM is a MAD TEENAGER!! Why can't you get married one day and leave the next? You don't have to tell your daughter until the day before or the morning of if you are worried about her saying anything. This is wedding #3. Why is your mom so concerned?? You have obvioulsy done this before.

jme35 · April 2010

IWe're doing (somewhat) of a DW, and we will have my FI's eight-year old with us. We're then doing a honeymoon trip later in the summer without him.

I went through this, but as a younger child. I wasnt a part of my father's wedding when I was about eight- in fact, i found out about it after the fact. I didn't care at the time, but as I grew into an adult, I think his decision was downright insulting. To me, it appears, even if inadvertently, that you're sending the message that she's not a part of this new family unit, and she might grow to resent it. That's the message I got from my situation. Of course, it turned out to be EXACTLY the case... and now, I havent spoken to my father in two decades - which doesnt include the previous 10 years before that of dealing with occaisional visits and phone calls, despite living 20 whole minutes from my mother's house.

My best advice is to really think this over before you make any decisions. How would you feel if when she got married, she didn't want YOU there? I think you're kind of making your daughter pay for the sins of the others who "hijacked" your previous weddings. Keep in mind that teenagers are not always the most rational thinkers - maybe right now she says she doesnt care, but down the road, as a more mature adult, that might change.

Stilettoteez · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-just-bride-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:58a956f5-6a46-4d95-a156-8466c510b78cPost:78b9894f-7618-46e7-aeb9-5408c9748921">Re: A wedding with just the Bride and Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]All I am going to say is, the LAST thing you want when you get home from your wedding/HM is a MAD TEENAGER!! Why can't you get married one day and leave the next? You don't have to tell your daughter until the day before or the morning of if you are worried about her saying anything. This is wedding #3. Why is your mom so concerned?? You have obvioulsy done this before.
Posted by MISSCOURTNEY20[/QUOTE]

true on the mad teen deal.. but chances are she's going to be ticked at the prospect of us getting married here with her..and leaving to PR without her.. The best thing would be I guess for me to offer to take her later after the honeymoon.. on a family vacation.. then she's probably open the door and tell me go get married in PR and have a nice time... lol..

jlw559 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-just-bride-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:58a956f5-6a46-4d95-a156-8466c510b78cPost:6f9d4cb7-5480-4e99-94d6-990a051f58d9">Re: A wedding with just the Bride and Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]we've thought about having a ceremony here then leaving.. problem with that is that then I'd have to keep it underwraps till it's done.. and one of my dreams has been to just go off and marry quietly on a lovely beach.. my daughter would most likely not even care if she's involved in the ceremony or not.. she just wants the Trip to PR.. my mom is pushing the guilt card so i'm forced to have it here giving an excuse for a party neither of us want.
Posted by Stilettoteez[/QUOTE]

Why would it have to be secret? Obviously your mom knows, your daughter knows, and you FH's kids know.

Also, I suggest have the JOP wedding locally with the kids. Then just do a vow renewal on the beach if that's your dream.

I honestly don't understand why you wouldn't include your child in something so important in your life. Especially when you are including someone new into their life.

evabee · April 2010

I'm not trying to be rude at all, but I don't know.. this rubs me the wrong way, OP. I think that you should plan to include your daughter until she asks not to come. I would have hurt feelings if my mom was saying "Finally, I get to have the wedding of my dreams.. Oh BTW Daughter, I'm ambivalent about you being there."

Like PPs said, I would really have the JOP at home, extend the invitation to your daughter and his three kids that you'd like them to be there, and then run off to PR to spend your honeymoon together. Even if it's not "their thing" I would invite all of the children. Let them make the choice to turn it down!

Good luck!

arthomas82 · April 2010

Certainly not trying to be rude, its short and to the point. I DO understand why people would get married 3 times...of course I get that. I just dont understand why someone would want an actual wedding ceremony vs. JOP for a 3rd marriage. More importantly, I think that when children are involved, they should always be TOP priority. Not a wedding, alone time with FI, etc. If that makes me rude, immature and ignorant then thats exactly what I am

Stilettoteez · April 2010

you know funny thing is that her father got married.. never told her.. to this day he's never mentioned ot her that he's married.. we found out through a relative.. and she didn't care..

I'm going to talk to her again tonight..the last time we discussed it.. all she said was I want to go to Puerto Rico..I don't care where you get married.. I just want to go to PR.. if that's the case still we'll agree to go on a family vacation later in the year..

I am asking her to come with me to purchase the wedding dress.. I even asked her the other day to come with me to a wedding expo..just for fun.. she said no thanks.

Stilettoteez · April 2010

JOP is what we plan on.. having a ceremoney to me means the whole shebang in a church etc.. that's not my thing.. simple.. etc.. the only reason i'm wearing a dress is because I want nice pics.. but no cake, no nothing other then.. do you I do..done.. snap snap.. have a nice day.

his kids don't want to come.. my kid most likely wants to come only if it means a trip to PR.. so either way she's gonna be pissed that i'm not taking her on the honeymoon..

mocha beans · April 2010

I think a good compromise is to do your wedding in PR as you want, and then say we'll go back a year later as a family anniversary trip.

Or, could you have her come a few days after you do the wedding in PR, that way you get some alone time with FI without having to entertain kids, and she still gets to go to PR for a bit?

Stilettoteez · April 2010

thanks Festiva..

Great idea Mocha Bean..

pirategal03 · April 2010

So why not you and Fi and your daughter go to PR 2 or 3 days before you plan on having the ceremony, invite his kids too. Spend a couple days "family vacay" style, then have the ceremony with your daughter there (and his kids, if they come) then fly your daughter back and spend some time there as your honeymoon.

She gets to go to PR, you get your wedding and your private honeymoon, his kids don't get offended. Snap, snap, have a nice day style.

Festiva · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-just-bride-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:58a956f5-6a46-4d95-a156-8466c510b78cPost:6c038fbe-597d-4e99-894a-9118dc49b160">Re: A wedding with just the Bride and Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]So why not you and Fi and your daughter go to PR 2 or 3 days before you plan on having the ceremony, invite his kids too. Spend a couple days "family vacay" style, then have the ceremony with your daughter there (and his kids, if they come) then fly your daughter back and spend some time there as your honeymoon. She gets to go to PR, you get your wedding and your private honeymoon, his kids don't get offended. Snap, snap, have a nice day style.
Posted by pirategal03[/QUOTE]

not a bad idea if you can afford it! =)

I can understand why some think that not taking your daughter means you are not including her...but it's not the case.
For us, we're eloping b/c the stress of planning a wedding and spending all that money for one day did not suit us or our life. I'm not opposed to local wedding or destination weddings, etc...but a wedding for just he and I is perfect for us. I want to concintrate on us and not the spectacle of our love. (knowing myself, I would become completley overcome with the details and appeasing everyone else if we did a traditional local wedding or even a destination wedding)
So I understand where you are coming from on that note.
And don't let people get to you...telling you that you are wrong for not wanting to include your daughter. They are looking at it from a different perspective (and mean no harm) but some of them are being judgemental....like telling you to go to the JOP (WTF???!!) but all-in-all you are two are the ones getting married =) and your daughter can still be included in this process in many meaningul ways!!!
You can take her shopping for your dress...you can cut the cake at the AHR and therefore take her cake tasting...do the whole commitment to her at the AHR....take her for a mani/pedi and make her dress shopping a big deal =) Have a big family pic taken and some special ones of just you and her, etcetera.

Just do it girl- you're totally fine and CONGRATS!!!!

aMrsin09 · April 2010

Well if her ONLY reason for wanting to come is because she wants to go to PR (which is what it sounds like from your subsequent posts), this may be a perfect time for her to learn that teenagers don't always get what they want and contrary to their belief, the world does not revolve around their wants.

Yeah, I'd be a bitch as a mom...

Stilettoteez · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-just-bride-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:58a956f5-6a46-4d95-a156-8466c510b78cPost:44360e8d-604a-4d91-a983-592b1cec7756">Re: A wedding with just the Bride and Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]Well if her ONLY reason for wanting to come is because she wants to go to PR (which is what it sounds like from your subsequent posts), this may be a perfect time for her to learn that teenagers don't always get what they want and contrary to their belief, the world does not revolve around their wants. Yeah, I'd be a bitch as a mom...
Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]

LOVE IT...

CTGirl30 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-just-bride-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:58a956f5-6a46-4d95-a156-8466c510b78cPost:44360e8d-604a-4d91-a983-592b1cec7756">Re: A wedding with just the Bride and Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]Well if her ONLY reason for wanting to come is because she wants to go to PR (which is what it sounds like from your subsequent posts), this may be a perfect time for her to learn that teenagers don't always get what they want and contrary to their belief, the world does not revolve around their wants. Yeah, I'd be a bitch as a mom...
Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]

Agreed. If she were like, "Mom - I'll be devasted and never forgive you if I am not there for the marriage ceremony to my new stepdad" it would be one thing. But if it's "I don't care where you get married or if I'm there - I just want my vacation to PR" then that's another. And yes...you don't always get what you want. A valuable lesson to learn earlier in life than later.

pirategal03 · April 2010

Even so...10, 15, even 20 years from now which is more likely to upset your daughter; "You weren't at our wedding ceremony because you didn't show any interest at the time in being there." or "You weren't at our wedding ceremony because you didn't show any interest in anything but the vacation attatched, and I wanted to teach you a lesson"

Yeah teenagers should learn that they can't always have what they want...but if that lesson hasn't been started by now, I'm not sure this is the time. PP have said that she's not fully emotionally develped and they're right. In hindsight she may really wish she had been included, even if she's not excited about it now.

She's 14, of course she wants to vacation in PR. But she's a minor, she's (from what I've gathered) going to be living with you and her new Stepfather when you return, so she's part of the new family unit you're creating. I think it's emoptionally and symbolically important for her to be included, I think it will help connect the three of you in the coming years if she's there. And I think it's a little strange if you don't want her to be there.

kcahoon0531 · April 2010

Okay. So if it's just about the vacation, then I agree that she doesn't necessarily need to be there.
The other option that I was thinking was that a lot of airlines will allow minors to travel as long as some drops them off. They assign a stewardess to keep an eye on them. She could fly there with you, go to the ceremony, and then the next day you could put her on a plane and someone else could pick her up from the airport. She gets to see the wedding, you get your honeymoon, everyone is happy (right?).

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