Asking the parents...

tdwpg1984 · August 2011

So I was wondering if there's an easy way to let my BF know that I'd appreciate it if he ask BOTH our parents for their blessing before proposing, without making it seem like I NEED a proposal right away.

I know this probably isn't the case with all families, but my family is very important to me. I always thought that a marriage isn't just a joining of two people but also two families. You know the whole "we're not losing a daughter, we're getting a son" thing. It's important to me that my family accept the person I'm with and that my partner's family accept me as well. Obviously if my partner didn't speak to his family it wouldn't be necessary. And if my parents didn't approve of my partner it wouldn't mean I'd dump them, but it would really give me pause and I would want to know why they didn't approve. And if someone didn't speak to their own family at all I'd want to know why, obviously.

My BF isn't as close to his parents as I am to mine, but we do still spend a fair amount of time with them. And I'm pretty close to my parents. I know they love my BF, and I'm pretty sure my BF's parents like me, but I still think it's the respectful thing to do, to ask for their blessing.

So how do I let him know that without sounding like I'm expecting something right away or without making him feel pressured?

SKP82 · August 2011

I think you should let him do what he wants to do. If he doesn't ask them before proposing, you can ask them for their blessing together when you announce your engagement.

pockysquirrel · August 2011

My first question would be, where are you at with him in the 'talking about marriage' process. Is it something you've discussed? Have you agreed that there is an engagement in your foreseeable future? Has there been any looking at of rings? Etc., etc.

If your lines of communication re. marriage are open already and you're both comfortable talking about a future engagement, then I don't see why you couldn't tell him just what you told us. Something along the lines of "I don't want you to feel rushed or pressured about proposing, but I happened to be thinking about it and-" insert explanation of your feelings on the matter here.

And if you haven't already had some marriage talks with him, well, then you've got to worry about laying the foundation before you start building.

All advice aside, I want to say too that your thoughts about joining the families together really resonates with me. Plus, it's a refreshingly egalitarian take on the old-fashioned "ask her father for permission" thing. When my BF started thinking about proposing to me, he consulted with his parents first, then asked both of mine for their blessing. Most of this was his idea rather than mine, but I still love what he did and the thoughtfulness behind it!

lunarsongbird · August 2011

If you are both on the same page about marriage- the easiest way to ask him would be...to ask him.

I feel like if you are close enough you should be able to say, "Darling, it would mean a lot to me if you could ask your parents if they bless you in taking my hand in marraige, as well as my own. I love your family and want to know we have their support."

Easy peasy. If you haven't talked about marraige...then I wouldn't bother bringing it up. You aren't ready.

I would imagine that most men talk to their family when they are getting ready to propose anyways, but I'm sure there are exceptions to that rule.

tdwpg1984 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_asking-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:afea93c0-eb7b-4e1e-a4b6-699f1b158748Post:cdf4098f-814a-4d08-981c-180a5dccede6">Re: Asking the parents...</a>:
[QUOTE]My first question would be, where are you at with him in the 'talking about marriage' process. Is it something you've discussed? Have you agreed that there is an engagement in your foreseeable future? Has there been any looking at of rings? Etc., etc. If your lines of communication re. marriage are open already and you're both comfortable talking about a future engagement, then I don't see why you couldn't tell him just what you told us. Something along the lines of "I don't want you to feel rushed or pressured about proposing, but I happened to be thinking about it and-" insert explanation of your feelings on the matter here. And if you haven't already had some marriage talks with him, well, then you've got to worry about laying the foundation before you start building. ;) All advice aside, I want to say too that your thoughts about joining the families together really resonates with me. Plus, it's a refreshingly egalitarian take on the old-fashioned "ask her father for permission" thing. When my BF started thinking about proposing to me, he consulted with his parents first, then asked both of mine for their blessing. Most of this was his idea rather than mine, but I still love what he did and the thoughtfulness behind it!
Posted by pockysquirrel[/QUOTE]<div>The plan definitely is to get married at some point. The plan was date for a year, then live together for a year, then be engaged for about a year. You can tell from my siggy how long we've been dating. We had to speed up the moving in together thing by a bit: this Sunday will be our 1 year anniversary of living together. We did have a talk the other day about a few things and the timeline came up. I did say that if we're going to be majorly off the timeline I'd like to know. He didn't say anything so I'm assuming that a proposal will probably occur sometime in the next couple of months...

</div>

thejucheidea · August 2011

We've discussed this all and have this ring. I've asked that he ask my parents, both grandmothers and grandfather. There's been a lot of bad sh*t going on within my family for years and I think it would be a good show of faith to ask all of them... and it will make him look a lot better than my sister's fiancé who didn't ask a single one of them. Of course, she announced her engagement by changing her status on Facebook instead of telling any of us, so she's like... classy.

peekaboo2011 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_asking-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:afea93c0-eb7b-4e1e-a4b6-699f1b158748Post:3ec01c9a-18c8-4310-93f7-817a8bfb7453">Re: Asking the parents...</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you should let him do what he wants to do. If he doesn't ask them before proposing, you can ask them for their blessing together when you <strong>announce your engagement.</strong>
Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I read that as "announce you're pregnant." Pardon me, I'm apparently having hunger hallucinations.</div><div>
</div><div>In regards to your situation, i think everyone else has said it best. Wait. Wait. Wait. I think once you get close to proposal, he may ask you how you feel about him asking your parents, etc. FI did for me at least. I know everyone's different, but just let it be for now.</div>

SKP82 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_asking-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:afea93c0-eb7b-4e1e-a4b6-699f1b158748Post:5911bb2f-2661-4777-9a86-11f4fd96018d">Re: Asking the parents...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking the parents... : The plan definitely is to get married at some point. The plan was date for a year, then live together for a year, then be engaged for about a year. You can tell from my siggy how long we've been dating. We had to speed up the moving in together thing by a bit: this Sunday will be our 1 year anniversary of living together. We did have a talk the other day about a few things and the timeline came up. I did say that if we're going to be majorly off the timeline I'd like to know. <strong>He didn't say anything so I'm assuming that a proposal will probably occur sometime in the next couple of months...
</strong>Posted by tdwpg1984[/QUOTE]

You know what they say when you start assuming things...

But seriously, don't assume ANYTHING. My FI and I spoke of a similar time line when we 1st moved in together. We were not really close to that timeline at all. I know it's hard to wait. I really, really do. But, it is best to let him do things the way he wants to do them in his own time.

If it comes up, mention to him that you'd like for him to speak to both sets of parents beforehand. If it doesn't, let him do what he wants and ask for their blessing after the fact if it's important to you.

snorwo3 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_asking-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:afea93c0-eb7b-4e1e-a4b6-699f1b158748Post:6c22a410-c030-4a12-8f78-17d27bce7e4b">Re: Asking the parents...</a>:
[QUOTE]We've discussed this all and have this ring. I've asked that he ask my parents, both grandmothers and grandfather. There's been a lot of bad sh*t going on within my family for years and I think it would be a good show of faith to ask all of them... and it will make him look a lot better than my sister's fiancé who didn't ask a single one of them. Of course, she announced her engagement by changing her status on Facebook instead of telling any of us, <strong>so she's like... classy.</strong>
Posted by ahstillwell[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I love this, LOL.</div>

snorwo3 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_asking-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:afea93c0-eb7b-4e1e-a4b6-699f1b158748Post:5911bb2f-2661-4777-9a86-11f4fd96018d">Re: Asking the parents...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking the parents... : The plan definitely is to get married at some point.<strong> The plan was date for a year, then live together for a year, then be engaged for about a year.</strong> You can tell from my siggy how long we've been dating. We had to speed up the moving in together thing by a bit: this Sunday will be our 1 year anniversary of living together. We did have a talk the other day about a few things and the timeline came up. I did say tha<strong>t if we're going to be majorly off the timeline I'd like to know.</strong> He didn't say anything so I'm assuming that a proposal will probably occur sometime in the next couple of months...
Posted by tdwpg1984[/QUOTE]

<div>For some reason, I'm not a fan of this.</div>

mymissingpuzzlepiece · August 2011

I'd say the best way to go is to let him do what he wants to do. There is no good way to bring this up unless he does. You will just sound like you're pushing an engagement.

kaitlynmichelle · August 2011

Let him do what he wants. If you've actually seriously talked about an upcoming engagement you should mention it to him if its that important to you. I brought this up once with my BF and he said he had no plans on asking for anyone's permission/blessing, which is fine with me. I don't think he'll be telling anyone he's planning on asking me until it actually happens, he's just a more private person.

But again, if it means that much to you, just discuss it with him. But it still could come across as you are expecting an engagement soon, and lead to him feeling pressured.

lunarsongbird · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_asking-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:afea93c0-eb7b-4e1e-a4b6-699f1b158748Post:f6e052f5-2e0d-47ce-895c-efa9f2a97b33">Re: Asking the parents...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking the parents... : For some reason, I'm not a fan of this.
Posted by snorwo3[/QUOTE]

Why?

wink0erin · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_asking-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:afea93c0-eb7b-4e1e-a4b6-699f1b158748Post:f6e052f5-2e0d-47ce-895c-efa9f2a97b33">Re: Asking the parents...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking the parents... : For some reason, I'm not a fan of this.
Posted by snorwo3[/QUOTE]

I agree... I'm wondering when the "plan" to date a year, live together a year, be engaged a year came from. It sounds like it happened early on in dating and has been stuck in her head since.

Blue & White · August 2011

While the plan seems a little too rigid (and it's not the end of the world if the plan doesn't "work" fyi...) you should really not announce your plan to people. Then you get friends of the groom that think you're pushing him into something. oh, and you probably are.

My BF knows I value my family's opinion because they're a huge part of my/his life. We visit them all the time and talk to them multiple times a week. He knows to ask my family and I'm sure he'll talk to his family before a proposal too.

If your family is as close as you say, he doesn't need a reminder if he has half a brain.

snorwo3 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_asking-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:afea93c0-eb7b-4e1e-a4b6-699f1b158748Post:0c3d1d01-a50e-463c-8720-a0e35918e2e4">Re: Asking the parents...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking the parents... : Why?
Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

<div>Maybe I just misunderstood, but the way it was worded, it sounded like "We met and decided to date for a year, live together for a year, get married a year later". That's nice and all but sometimes sh*t happens. Nothing wrong with having an idea of what pace you're comfortable with, but the line "If we aren't following the timeline exact, I told him I need to know" rubbed me the wrong way, personally. I don't mean to sound rude, different strokes for everyone. I just don't <em>personally</em> like the whole need-to-follow timeline stuff. Sometimes you make a timeline and you are so focused on it that you don't focus on your relationship in the present. It's similar to BSC for me. Sometimes your man will decide he isn't ready when your "timeline" unfolds, ya know?</div>

tdwpg1984 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_asking-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:afea93c0-eb7b-4e1e-a4b6-699f1b158748Post:10e45e84-2aa0-4aa8-b0a5-6ee6c720770e">Re: Asking the parents...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking the parents... : Maybe I just misunderstood, but the way it was worded, it sounded like "We met and decided to date for a year, live together for a year, get married a year later". That's nice and all but sometimes sh*t happens. Nothing wrong with having an idea of what pace you're comfortable with, but the line "If we aren't following the timeline exact, I told him I need to know" rubbed me the wrong way, personally. I don't mean to sound rude, different strokes for everyone. I just don't personally like the whole need-to-follow timeline stuff. Sometimes you make a timeline and you are so focused on it that you don't focus on your relationship in the present. It's similar to BSC for me. Sometimes your man will decide he isn't ready when your "timeline" unfolds, ya know?
Posted by snorwo3[/QUOTE]I guess I should clarify. We don't NEED to follow the timeline exactly, but I also don't want to sit around waiting forever for a proposal that won't come. If my BF isn't ready to propose in the next couple of months that's fine. But if it's going to be years, it would make me wonder why. Is he having second thoughts about our relationship? Does he see a problem in our relationship that I don't see? If that's the case it's fine, but if there's a problem I'd want to know so we can work together to solve any problems in our relationships. I'd hate to be in a situation like my cousin was in where she was with her BF for 8 years and they kept talking and he said they'd get engaged, married and have kids "someday" only for her to find out that he never wanted to get married and have kids. She was completely devestated, because she wanted a family and kids, and she feels like she wasted her life with a man who didn't want her. My BF has never given me any indication that this is what's going on, but I'd still want to know if there will be a major delay in us moving on to the next step in our relationship at any point. To me it's no different than the fact that we discussed having kids a couple years after we get married. We'd have to talk about that at that time to make sure we're still on the same page, because it would suck if one of us thinks we're TTC and the other one doesn't. If I keep taking the pill because I'm not ready, I should let him know, if I want kids I need to discuss it with him to make sure it's okay with him because it would suck to go off the pill then find out he's not ready for kids when I get pregnant.

snorwo3 · August 2011

Now that you explained, I 100% agree. I told my BF before we ever even started officially dating what I was looking for in a relationship. I told him I'm not the kind of girl who wants to be with someone 10 years and have people still asking when the hell we're getting married (and me wondering as well) and he agreed he is not that kind of person too. So I absolutely agree with where you're coming from

The wording in the first post was just what threw me but now that you clarified, I definitely understand.

tdwpg1984 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_asking-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:afea93c0-eb7b-4e1e-a4b6-699f1b158748Post:eeb0d596-0387-4433-a2d9-9beec5ecae4c">Re: Asking the parents...</a>:
[QUOTE]Now that you explained, I 100% agree. I told my BF before we ever even started officially dating what I was looking for in a relationship. I told him I'm not the kind of girl who wants to be with someone 10 years and have people still asking when the hell we're getting married (and me wondering as well) and he agreed he is not that kind of person too. So I absolutely agree with where you're coming from :) The wording in the first post was just what threw me but now that you clarified, I definitely understand.
Posted by snorwo3[/QUOTE]
It's partly my fault too. I was trying to make my posts short. I always tend to be wordy, and try not to be but sometimes have trouble getting the full story out. It's really just me wanting to make sure that we stay on the same page in our relationship, and trying to fix things before things become not fixable if something's wrong. My BF and I both have some communication issues that have nothing to do with each other, but that we're trying to work out, seperately and together. My problem is I'm always trying to not rock the boat and have a hard time talking about things because I don't want to upset my partner, so I keep it all bottled up inside. Then they all come out in a big jumble, especially when it's things that have upset me. And that's why I'm not sure how to bring this up with my BF. I don't want him to think that I NEED a proposal now, but I also want him to know how I feel about one if it were to occur. Just one of those things I have a hard time discussing with him because I don't want to possibly upset him. Even though I know it probably wouldn't. i'm wierd that way.

Asking the parents...

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