Daddy Issues

dogmommy85 · October 2012

Hi all,
Looking for some advice. My parents are getting a divorce and it is bringing up lots of questions about my father. He cheated on my mom and broke up my family. We have never been that close, he wasn't around a whole lot growing up. My fiance and I are also currently living in a house that he owns (all this happened before the divorce stuff) and he is now threatening to increase our rent because he has all his legal bills to pay and then plans on kicking us out if things get worse. This is only an abbreviated list of similar things he has done to my FH and I in the past 6 months. Is it really a good idea to have someone like that walking me down the aisle and giving me away? Does he deserve that right? I am afraid that if I don't have him do the typical father/daughter things with me he will resent me for it and also that I will regret not doing it as time passes. He is also still paying for alot of the reception stuff, so I feel I would be the rude one for not thanking him in those ways for doing this for me.
What would you do?

TiffanyT816 · October 2012

I'd probably keep him in the wedding, however, I'd likely move out of his house ASAP. If he is threatening raising rent, etc. that wouldn't be worth it to me to stay living there.

SamRK5889 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_daddy-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:645a4833-3f48-4d8a-9594-7be8d572b0efPost:6c5c328d-0f36-4fc4-800f-fea53f1ba58e">Re: Daddy Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd probably keep him in the wedding, however, I'd likely move out of his house ASAP. If he is threatening raising rent, etc. that wouldn't be worth it to me to stay living there.
Posted by TiffanyT816[/QUOTE]

This exactly.. Move out FAST!

princess pop · October 2012

I agree with Tiffany... I'd still allow him to walk me probably, as he is involved in the planning of everything. Just distance yourself from him financially. You don't need to be paying for his legal bills second hand.

s-aries8990 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_daddy-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:645a4833-3f48-4d8a-9594-7be8d572b0efPost:7a962f87-0cda-4b3b-a102-b0a52ad0dd4b">Re: Daddy Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with Tiffany... I'd still allow him to walk me probably, as he is involved in the planning of everything. Just distance yourself from him financially. You don't need to be paying for his legal bills second hand.
Posted by princess pop[/QUOTE]

I agree with the PP's. Unless you are willing to carry on with the wedding without his financial help, I'd keep him involved. I have my own daddy issues (divorce was finalized 15 years ago and he's still bringing my mom back to court even though HE hasn't done jack... don't get me started!) but money comes with ties.

I also agree to move out ASAP. It may be more costly to get your own place, but it's so worth not having the hassle that comes from living at your dad's

Shlby81 · October 2012

Oh I dont think id have him walk me down the isle. Not if hes not acting like a real dad just bc he screwd up his marage. U deserve better. Have ur fiancé walk u.

QueerFemme · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_daddy-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:645a4833-3f48-4d8a-9594-7be8d572b0efPost:e31cc4fb-13b8-4497-85b8-9bbf8a683ca2">Re: Daddy Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Hmm, there is a lot going on here. OP, was your father giving you a below-market rent? If so, it seems he can not longer afford that. That is unfortunate. As to Retread's solution, of not having him walk her down the aisle, I thought dad was still paying for some of wedding. This could get nasty, expecially if he hasnt paid yet.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

I was wondering the same thing. If he is giving you below market rent, it's time for you to pay market rates, either to your dad, or to some other landlord. I realize you are saving for a house, and can't afford it, etc. etc. But, if you are your FI are living together and getting married, it sounds like its time to start paying your own way. And paying your own way means paying the going rate for housing.

Of course, this assumes he was cutting you a deal... if he wasn't, and he is raising your rent above market rates, then move out. I have two huge dogs too. There is housing out there, it just takes longer to find.

OliveOilsMom · October 2012

If he is having money issued related to his legal bills. Be prepared for him to pull some funds from the wedding. Try to plan the entire wedding on what you & FI can afford on your own. That way if he does not give you what he promised, you will still have the wedding you want and can afford.

I would also begin looking immediately for a new place. Try Craigslist or newspaper classifieds.

And PP had a great idea and have you & FI walk down the aisle together.

lyndausvi · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_daddy-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:645a4833-3f48-4d8a-9594-7be8d572b0efPost:e31cc4fb-13b8-4497-85b8-9bbf8a683ca2">Re: Daddy Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Hmm, there is a lot going on here. OP, was your father giving you a below-market rent? If so, it seems he can not longer afford that. That is unfortunate. As to Retread's solution, of not having him walk her down the aisle, I thought dad was still paying for some of wedding. This could get nasty, expecially if he hasnt paid yet.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

I'm wondering the same thing. Sure the divorce mig'ht be his fault, but that does not mean it's not financially straining. While it's nice he could keep the rent low, it doesn't mean he should be forced to go into debt for an adult almost married child could live there.

You don't have to have him walk you down. But assuming he is charging your below-market rent, I don't think a rent increase is a reason not to have him walk you down.

lyndausvi · October 2012

If you hate him why live in his house?

Like it or not you are an adult.   Daddy does not have to subsidise your rent any more to be considered a good dad.

FWIW - I was living in my parent's home for $250 a month. That included 6,0000 sq ft. A maid every other week, lawn guy, the whole nine yards.    2 years later my parents called me up and said "we are moving to TX and the house on the market. You have 8 weeks to move."

Know what I did?   I thanked them for the generosity and moved It was great while it lasted, but I knew it would not last forever.

s-aries8990 · October 2012

If you want his money, then have him walk you down. If you are ok without his money (which what you presented doesn't seem likely) then walk yourself/with someone else.

Emotional abuse sucks, esp from a parent, but you can take yourself out of this situation by moving out. You don't have to be a victim, but you will if you let him manipulate you. I suggest paring down your expenses as much as possible asap and start apartment hunting and not tell him until you are ready to move- 30 - 60 day notice. If there's no lease with your dad, especially if he's giving you a good deal, I don't think there is anything you can about the rent increases, so long as he gives you advance notice.

See if you can get a 2 br condo outside the city close the the train/T if you work in the city and go in with another couple. Saving for a house is a great goal, but saving your emotional stability is more imporant.

And as NYUgirl said, other parts of your wedding may go for unpaid if he has all of those legal fees to pay. If you want a large wedding, I suggest you push out the date if you can, or if you want, opt for a smaller wedding that you and FI can pay for even if it's just courthouse and dinner with guests.

QueerFemme · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_daddy-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:645a4833-3f48-4d8a-9594-7be8d572b0efPost:052d770f-5f6b-4e01-8847-71c3e033f49a">Re: Daddy Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]First off I did not post on here so people could scrutinize my financial situation. I just wanted to know if it seems appropriate to have a dad who isn't acting like a dad walk you down the aisle if you are mad and upset with the current situation that he has put you and your family in. How do you have someone walk you down the aisle that you currently hate? I realize things may change in the future since this is has only been happening since this past March. The increase in rent is just one of the thousands of things he has said and done. It has really been a lifetime of emotional abuse that my father has put our family through. This is not the first time the word divorce has come up just the first time it is actually happening.
Posted by Dchristie85[/QUOTE]

First, you post your personal information on a public message board, and people will give you their opinions, whether you like it or not.

Second, if you hate him and he is an abusive asshole and has been your whole life. Move out of his house. Live on your own with your FI, and figure out a way to pay for yourself.

And pay for your own wedding. Keep it small and simple, and have your mother or a friend or your FI walk you down the aisle. Or, better yet, walk by yourself. Let that be a representation to your father that you are standing on your own going forward.

And, figure out a way to pay for some therapy to deal with a lifetime of emotional abuse.

s-aries8990 · October 2012

CMGr, Lynda and Stage are all right. If you hate him, don't take his out hand outs.

If you didn't want an honest opinion, don't come to an internet forum.

QueerFemme · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_daddy-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:645a4833-3f48-4d8a-9594-7be8d572b0efPost:27725749-a43d-4cc7-9222-55be573efa64">Daddy Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all, Looking for some advice. My parents are getting a divorce and it is bringing up lots of questions about my father. He cheated on my mom and broke up my family. We have never been that close, he wasn't around a whole lot growing up. My fiance and I are also currently living in a house that he owns (all this happened before the divorce stuff) and he is now threatening to increase our rent because he has all his legal bills to pay and then plans on kicking us out if things get worse. This is only an abbreviated list of similar things he has done to my FH and I in the past 6 months. Is it really a good idea to have someone like that walking me down the aisle and giving me away? Does he deserve that right? I am afraid that if I don't have him do the typical father/daughter things with me he will resent me for it and also that I will regret not doing it as time passes. He is also still paying for alot of the reception stuff, so I feel I would be the rude one for not thanking him in those ways for doing this for me. What would you do?
Posted by Dchristie85[/QUOTE]

Just in case.

StephJean83 · October 2012

Like PP's have said about moving out, I agree with them because it sound toxic to your state of mind living there. I have family that lives in NH and they have affordable housing. I know my SIL said that rent prices drop significantly from crossing the border from MASS to NH.

As far as your father walking you down the aisle, if it has been an on going thing of verbal/mental abuse, you need to consider why you wanted him to walk you down the aisle PRIOR to your parents divorce. As much as it sucks having your parents separate and divorce at any age, them divorcing in and of itself, has nothing to do with you as their child, but them as two individual people growing apart over time or one abusing the other. From your posts, it sounds like your father has been verbally/mentally abusing for many years, and if that is the case, I highly recommend you speak with someone, a therapist, your pastor at church, and get help to heal yourself from that and go from there on the relationship you want with your father. You have many options for walking down the aisle from you and your FI, your mom walking you down or walking down alone.

Calypso1977 · October 2012

im not sure why if there is this long history of emotional abuse why you would ever consider living in a house he owns unless it was too good of a deal to pass up. but now that deal is changing. divorce can be very costly.

its easy to say that the divorce is his fault because of cheating or whatever else. however, IMO, there are three sides to every divorce - his, hers and the truth. that's not to say that one side lies, but rather their one side is skewed because of their personal perceptions of situations. i also think that it takes two for a marriage to work and two for a marriage to fail.

lyndausvi · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_daddy-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:645a4833-3f48-4d8a-9594-7be8d572b0efPost:9588324a-8828-4a51-8ac4-e67b5fc19738">Re: Daddy Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]im not sure why if there is this long history of emotional abuse why you would ever consider living in a house he owns unless it was too good of a deal to pass up. but now that deal is changing. divorce can be very costly. its easy to say that the divorce is his fault because of cheating or whatever else. however, IMO, there are three sides to every divorce - his, hers and the truth. that's not to say that one side lies, but rather their one side is skewed because of their personal perceptions of situations. i also think that it takes two for a marriage to work and two for a marriage to fail.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

So this.

beardo1111 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_daddy-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:645a4833-3f48-4d8a-9594-7be8d572b0efPost:b158142f-62e3-4629-96a5-85c0d27477c1">Re: Daddy Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I wish I could move out but my FH and I can't be moving out. We can't really afford an increase in rent, and despite telling my father this he is still insisting we pay more and asking me about what bills I have to pay and so on. Also with two dogs (both over 50 lbs) and a bird in the boston area i am not likely to find anywhere else to live without buying my own house which we still need a couple years of saving money to do. Long story short I can't move out just yet. Unfortuately. Trust me I wish I could it would save alot of drama, that never would have happened if my dad hadn't done what he did.
Posted by Dchristie85[/QUOTE]

I lived in the Boston area for six years prior to moving to my current city - I lived in several different neighborhoods and paid a wide range of rents. It's not a cheap area but you can find cheap rents (tons of college students do afterall) and I know plenty of people with pets - including big dogs. Your new neighborhood may not be as nice and your new place may be a downgrade from your current one but hey, freedom from your parents may be worth it.

Living situation aside - it's not okay to take your dad's money to pay for the wedding and then exclude him from participating. You can either kick him out and tell him to keep his money, or you can graciously accept his contribution and let him play the father-of-the-bride role. You can't have both.

AdeleDazeem · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_daddy-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:645a4833-3f48-4d8a-9594-7be8d572b0efPost:651dea88-45b3-4e65-853e-0280ba6e7aa1">Re: Daddy Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]If you can't pay full market rent and utilities for your area, you don't need to be saving for a house. You need to be able to support yourselves completely under normal cost-of-living circumstances PLUS be able to save before getting into a mortgage, or you will likely find yourselves in serious financial trouble.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

::applause::

I really don't understand this idea that YOU MUST OWN A HOME, especially when you can't financially swing it. You chose to get two dogs, a bird, and a fiance and now it's time that you learn how to house yourselves. Plenty of people rent because it's far more respectable to take care of yourself than mooch off your parents. Pay your way, save your money, and you'll be much happier.

This might be one of my biggest pet peeves. "I can't move out from my parents and pay rent... I'm saving FOR A HOUSE!!!!" Grrr. Just immature and shortsighted.

Peledreamsofrain · October 2012

Everyone is giving you excellent downtoearth advice. By taking his money and generosity, then turning around and publically snubbing him, you become the badguy of the situation. And he WILL retaliate, because he's a human, and has emotions. It doesnt matter if you think he's entitled to them, they exist and have consequences if you do something nasty to him.

Stop with the victim mentality, and move out and become independant. It's hard, and it's supposed to be, but nonindependant people have fewer options and capacities in life. Do what it takes, or accept the control you are handing him on a silver platter.

Calypso1977 · October 2012

stage, ill give you that one on the physical abuse.

dogmommy85 · October 2012

Thanks everyone for your advice. We are looking for another place to live and have been since this all happened. I appreciate everyones honesty even if I don't agree. The rent thing isn't the whole story by any stretch but I get it. I do appreciate that he has allowed me to live there.

No one has really answered my real question though except the first few people.

Is it rude to not have my father walk me down the aisle if he is contributing to my wedding, even if I do not get along with him?

LDubHawksFan · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_daddy-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:645a4833-3f48-4d8a-9594-7be8d572b0efPost:6f9ab957-b961-42ef-9ee6-411df9439002">Re: Daddy Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone for your advice. We are looking for another place to live and have been since this all happened. I appreciate everyones honesty even if I don't agree. The rent thing isn't the whole story by any stretch but I get it. I do appreciate that he has allowed me to live there. No one has really answered my real question though except the first few people. Is it rude to not have my father walk me down the aisle if he is contributing to my wedding, even if I do not get along with him?
Posted by Dchristie85[/QUOTE]

I think a lot of people have answered that it would be rude to take his money for the wedding, and then not walk down with him, especially if it had previously been discussed. Money comes with strings and requests, and that would probably be one of his.

dogmommy85 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_daddy-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:645a4833-3f48-4d8a-9594-7be8d572b0efPost:b120f538-fe36-467c-a749-146af946e1d1">Re: Daddy Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Daddy Issues : I think a lot of people have answered that it would be rude to take his money for the wedding, and then not walk down with him, especially if it had previously been discussed. Money comes with strings and requests, and that would probably be one of his.
Posted by lwoehlk[/QUOTE]

That is what I had thought too just wanted to see if people agreed with me.

beardo1111 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_daddy-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:645a4833-3f48-4d8a-9594-7be8d572b0efPost:6f9ab957-b961-42ef-9ee6-411df9439002">Re: Daddy Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone for your advice. We are looking for another place to live and have been since this all happened. I appreciate everyones honesty even if I don't agree. The rent thing isn't the whole story by any stretch but I get it. I do appreciate that he has allowed me to live there. No one has really answered my real question though except the first few people. Is it rude to not have my father walk me down the aisle if he is contributing to my wedding, even if I do not get along with him?
Posted by Dchristie85[/QUOTE]

I explicitely answered this question in my previous post but here you go again -

Living situation aside - it's not okay to take your dad's money to pay for the wedding and then exclude him from participating. You can either kick him out and tell him to keep his money, or you can graciously accept his contribution and let him play the father-of-the-bride role. You can't have both.

If you absolutely want to walk down the aisle alone or with your fiancee - I guess you could try to swing it, but you still have to let your father participate (i.e. family photos, head table, name in program - whatever you're doing to recognize the other parents). Contributing money makes him one of the hosts of the wedding and will come with some strings/expectations on his part that it would be rude to ignore. You can't just have him as a guest at a wedding he is helping pay for/host.

Answered?

rachelm13 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_daddy-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:645a4833-3f48-4d8a-9594-7be8d572b0efPost:62767734-a623-4b09-82b3-d1245564ac2c">Re: Daddy Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Daddy Issues : Just call me Kreskin.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Lovesit.

s-aries8990 · October 2012

DChristine- I'm NYE (it would bring on too many complications at the moment with my family issues) but I plan on paying my own way (another reason why NYE- want a big wedding and am more than willing to wait) and if I get any gifts from my father post-wedding that's wonderful, but I have ZERO expectation of getting any money in the planning. If he said he would pay for x- he gets to have a say and I am NOT having that. I will wait until I can afford what I want than deal with him. I plan on having my brother walk me- the only male who has really been by my side through my life- and no spotlight dances (my guy doesn't want to dance with his mom). Will it snub him? Sure, but he won't have any say either way.

dogmommy85 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_daddy-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:645a4833-3f48-4d8a-9594-7be8d572b0efPost:7839a85b-416c-447e-bf3b-9dd8de6c3720">Re: Daddy Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Daddy Issues : I explicitely answered this question in my previous post but here you go again - Living situation aside - it's not okay to take your dad's money to pay for the wedding and then exclude him from participating. You can either kick him out and tell him to keep his money, or you can graciously accept his contribution and let him play the father-of-the-bride role. You can't have both. If you absolutely want to walk down the aisle alone or with your fiancee - I guess you could try to swing it, but you still have to let your father participate (i.e. family photos, head table, name in program - whatever you're doing to recognize the other parents). Contributing money makes him one of the hosts of the wedding and will come with some strings/expectations on his part that it would be rude to ignore. You can't just have him as a guest at a wedding he is helping pay for/host. Answered?
Posted by beardo1111[/QUOTE]

Yes thank you! I found your post helpful.

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