Same-Sex Jewish Wedding

sari5765 · April 2010

So, I've never been to one, as I used to be Orthodox. But, now I'm having one and we're trying to figure out which traditions to include and how to subtly atter them while still observing the spirit of our faith. Obviously, our vows and ketubah are going to be different, but I'm curious to hear what you guys think we might include/modify. Any thoughts?

alisonz · April 2010

The cantor who is marrying my partner and I suggested we read The New Jewish Wedding, Revised which I have found found really helpful and interesting.

link to book:
http://www.amazon.com/New-Jewish-Wedding-Revised/dp/0743202554

2dBride · April 2010

We had a same-sex Jewish wedding back in October, and you may want to check out my bio. The ceremony text, which we wrote, can be found here. Among other things, there are an astonishing number of places in which the Hebrew for the couple is in the masculine plural. That works just fine for straight couples or gay guys, but not so much for lesbians, so all those bits were altered in our ceremony.

When it comes to the ketubah, you will have a similar issue. Even a so-called "egalitarian" ketubah will not work for two women, because the Hebrew genders will be wrong. Ketubah Tree has a text for a same-sex female couple. If you like one of their ketubot, that may work for you. If not, you may want to consider asking permission to use their text with another artist's ketubah. So long as it is just for one ketubah, not a commercial enterprise, they will typically let you do that without charge. Of course, that probably means paying for a custom text with the other artist.

If you are doing bedeken and/or circling, you're obviously going to have to figure out how to adapt those to a same-sex couple.

If you want to have kippot for your guests, you may want to look at Mazel Tops. Everyone on this board who has used them has had a positive experience in terms of service and quality of the kippot. And although the owner is clearly Orthodox, she did not give us any grief at all about inscribing "Wedding of" followed by two women's names inside them.

Another issue specific to same-sex Jewish weddings is who breaks the glass. We tried doing it together, using the one below, and--trust me on this one!--it doesn't work. You may want to consider other options, such as:

1. Use a light bulb instead of an official wedding glass. They are easier to break, and give a satisfying pop.

2. Have two wedding glasses, connected by a ribbon, and each stamp on one. However, make sure you have shoes with strong heels for this one. Those suckers are not meant to be broken with ballet slippers or spike heels.

3. If you're doing an Ellen & Portia kind of thing, with one of you in a suit and one in a dress, get the one in the suit to break the glass. It is a lot easier to find sensible and heavy duty shoes that go with a suit than ones that go with a traditional wedding dress.

Other than that, your wedding can be pretty much like any other wedding--as traditional or otherwise as you want it. If you are having a rabbi or cantor marry you, that person can most likely help you in navigating the Jewish traditions.

And mazel tov to both of you!

sari5765 · April 2010

Thanks to both of you!

Same-Sex Jewish Wedding

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