If I was her bridesmaid - does she HAVE to be mine?

selina.gracee · August 2010

I have a 'friend' who asked me to be her bridesmaid - which I was. The thing is, I knew going into it that she had no one else so she asked an old friend to be her MOH (who was in the same situation as me - knew she had no one else) and myself to be in her wedding party. So this girl, she's fairly nice, but she really did not care at all that it was specifically us two in her wedding party - as long as she had someone.

During the entire process she was pretty rude to both the MOH and myself, she wouldn't let us bring out significant others to her wedding, claiming mine was JUST my boyfriend (thank you I've been with him twice as long as she has been with her new husband, plus we are also common-law). And at one point I told her when I get married, because I'm Jewish, I wasn't sure if I would have bridesmaids - because traditionally they dont, she said to me "well you have to have them because I have to be one of them."

Anyway - long story to say... I am engaged now with my 'boyfriend' and we have now decided we do want bridesmaids and groomsmen - but only because we want our close friends to be included in 'our' day. The problem is, I don't want to ask her - I know why she asked us, and I don't have that problem. I have people I care about and that care about me that can be in our wedding party.

So I'm wondering people's opinions... do I ask her because she asked me?

bablingbrooke · August 2010

Nope. Not at all. If you aren't friends anymore, you're under no obligation to include her. I wouldn't want to be her friend after that either, to be perfectly honest. I wouldn't call her up and say, "You're not a BM," and if she figures out she's not and demands an explanation I wouldn't give it to her.

Whether or not you want to invite her to the wedding is something you can sleep on for now.

emilyinchile · August 2010

It doesn't work that way - you don't ask people and then say that they're obligated to ask you. She's welcome to pout all she wants, but you wouldn't be in the wrong.

Whether or not you should invite her at all depends on how close the two of you are, how many people you're inviting, etc. Again, you're not obligated to invite her just because you were at or in her wedding. Pretend that never happened, and then do whatever you'd do based purely on your relationship with her.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

I think you might find the whole thread helpful/entertaining:

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_heart-prudie

Good luck!

selina.gracee · August 2010

wow - that was a good one.

Thanks everyone - I probably should have read through some related posts before asking such a common question

alright - she's out. But I'll probbaly invite her to the wedding.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

No, don't apologize, I just thought it was the craziest bridezilla story I'd ever heard. You're not alone in the "do I ask the bridezilla to be my BM" category.

megk8oz · August 2010

It looks like Brooke already linked the thread that had my little saga but yes, I was a BM for a friend, and basically she was such a nightmare as a bride that after her wedding I basically decided to slowly cut ties with her.

I was engaged while she was planning, and she constantly made comments about being a BM for me when it was my turn ...and even then I knew I really didn't want her to be in my WP.

Wedding parties are not tit for tat ... just because you were in her WP, doesn't mean you "owe" her a spot in yours. Choose who you want and stick to your guns if she tries pushing or guilting you. Just don't give a "This is why you're not a BM" speech, and you're good to go.

As for a wedding invitation, you also don't owe her that, especially if you're no longer friends ... but on the same note, you do have some time to finalize that decision. I wound up inviting my nightmare bride (DH and I were good friends with her husband) and I barely spent 5 minutes with her at my wedding ... so if she wanted to be rude to me, she didn't have a chance. Just some food for thought.

trix1223 · August 2010

No.

aerinpegadrak · August 2010

The fastest road to drama is to ask someone you don't particularly like to be in your wedding. Go with your gut, don't make her a BM.

frogurt814 · August 2010

If you are not close friends then no, I would no ask her.

My MOH is getting married next spring/summer. She didn't ask me to be one of her BMs. This actually did kind of hurt my feelings because I obviously thought we were good enough friends that I wanted her to be my MOH. It just kind of made me feel like she didn't see our friendship at the level that I saw it at, and that's dissapointing.

Oh well.

suz62984 · August 2010

I have to say, i'd have a hard time not being a smart-as$ to her. I probably wouldn't invite her SO/DH; if she said something i'd just say "see how it feels. sucks doesn't it." I probably would have removed myself from the wedding party when she didn't let me bring my SO though. I'm just confrontational like that.

suz62984 · August 2010

Frogurt- that sucks! I could see if she was a regular BM how it might not be a big deal but MOH? That does hurt the friendship a lot. Is she just not having a big WP, have lots of family, etc?

frogurt814 · August 2010

Suz - she said her FI doesn't have a lot of friends, so he only picked 3 people so she's only having 3 people. Her sister, and then two friends she's known for a long time even though she and one of the friends haven't been on the greatest of terms for awhile now.

marisah83 · August 2010

No, you don't have to have her in your wedding party.

One of my friends assumed she would be in my wedding party since I was in hers 4 years ago. After she found out I was engaged, she called and asked, "Who else will be in the wedding party besides me?" I hadn't asked her. I told her I was just having an MOH and that I had already asked another friend to whom I am much closer. This girl stewed (and I think may still be stewing) about the fact that I didn't ask her. She RSVP'd "no" to my wedding as a result because she feels that I "must hate her." She may be hurt, but we're not as close as we were 4-5 years ago, and I'm not going to guilt myself into having her in it just because I was in hers.

Definitely don't let this girl guilt you into it either. In fact, if you aren't really that close anymore, you don't have to invite her at all.

samberger11 · August 2010

My sister put it this way...this isnt a dinner party, its a wedding. You dont have to be fair and invite her to be in yours because she invited you to be in hers. She may be closer with you than her other friends, but you may be closer to others than her.

Summerl30 · August 2010

No, I don't think so, though if her wedding was within the last 6 months of you getting engaged, I may be inclined to.

None of my bridesmaids had been married, but I had been a bridesmaid 3 times before I got married, including a maid of honour.

[Deleted User] · August 2010

when it came down to choosing my BM's, i end up choosing my cousins only, girls that i grew up with and always saw in my wedding party. Well, when my fiance's brother found out his girlfirend was not in it, he was pissed. I dont know if she was hurt at all, but he was the one that showed a problem with it. When i confronted him about it, he denied saying anything. But i'd hear his crap from his my fiance, or his mother. I just dont find her as my friend, she doesnt call me or anything. I also dont want his first girlfriend of 2 years in my wedding, i never even thought of her in it. I know back in the day, picking cousins and people you dont talk to was normal. But im not interested in that at all. It totally pisses me off. Lol.

kayleighe · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_her-bridesmaid-she-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:33da6fa2-1f47-4fcb-ba22-63de0096f925Post:7d5f3410-1380-4eac-9dd6-315d9aebcb68">Re: If I was her bridesmaid - does she HAVE to be mine?</a>:
[QUOTE]The fastest road to drama is to ask someone you don't particularly like to be in your wedding. Go with your gut, don't make her a BM.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>uggggh I'm having this issue with my FI sister!!</div><div>
</div><div><a href="http://lovelydayforawedding.blogspot.com/">http://lovelydayforawedding.blogspot.com/</a></div>

JohnCarrieC · August 2010

I voted no... but on second thought I don't think I'd even invite her. If it were me, I'd probably be a jerk to her, and I normally don't even do that to people. lol

d1anaw · August 2010

I've always felt that weddings should be about the couple, not about social and other obligations. So I'd say no. I'd say, don't even invite her to the wedding, who needs the drama? As time goes by, relationships often change and the person you were best friends with in hs isn't likely the person who matters most now. It's just a factor of time, distance, age and maturing.Your wedding is for you first and foremost. And while you should certainly take your guests time and needs into consideration, the bottom line is that it is your party. They have the option to attend or not attend. And you have the right to decide who you want to be there and participating.

waj · August 2010

I was waiting for your response. I am not engaged but my boyfriend and I both agree on a small wedding. So I only want a MOH and BM. I was a BM in one of my really close friends wedding, but I she will not be a part of my wedding party. We are close I don't want this too damper our relationship especially since her twin sister ( my best friend) will be a bridesmaid.

keramiel · August 2010

Granted, there are many situations where weddings are concerned when social obligations get in the way of what the bride and groom want for their special day. This, however, isn't one of them. We're not talking about your fiancé's sister who he wants in the wedding party; this is someone who obviously isn't a true friend to begin with.

As for the wedding itself, if you want to invite her to the wedding, go ahead, but even that might cause problems if you think she will make too much of a fuss about not being a bridesmaid. If you don't want to invite her, you can perhaps fib and say you have a limited budget, and hope she understands. The rule my fiancé and I are following is, if we haven't had a meaningful conversation with someone in the past six months, or they aren't someone we'd invite over to our home, why would we want them at our wedding?

Good luck to you in your planning and in your future marriage!!!

byonka · August 2010

That's so mean! I have a cousin who was very rude to me when I got engaged... Basically saying i was too young, I was stupid, My fiance was ugly, I don't have a nice enough ring, etc... Now that the wedding is a year away she assumes she's invited... and I honestly am thinking of demanding a written letter of appologie from her! And I think you should do the same for this girl! and Definately on't allow her in your wedding party!

Jangelis · August 2010

I think if I were in your position I would definitely not feel any doubt that I didnt want her in my wedding party. Maybe even the wedding. As you have said, your wedding party is a compilation of your closest friends that you want to be a part of your special day.
I encourage you to feel guilt free about excluding her from any aspect of your wedding that you choose.

Covelloj5201 · August 2010

IT's your day! if you ask her just on principal you will resent her and your decision even more. You need to follow your heart and a true friend would understand

phoenixstargazer · August 2010

No way! The people in your wedding party should be people who you are close to. I'm actually sort of in the situation she was in - I don't have many close friends and even fewer close female friends. My mom wanted me to ask my cousins to be my BMs, but the truth is although they're my family and I love them, I'm not really that close to them (and never have been). So I decided to have my three brothers and my brother's girlfriend of 5 yrs (she's practically my sister) to be my attendants. My point is that you should have the people who are close to you be the ones who are there to give you the support you need for your special day. It's not a time to "repay favors". (And even if it was, it sounds to me like YOU'RE the one who did HER the favor by being in her wedding, so actually SHE owes YOU! lol)

Shorty4eva84 · August 2010

Just because she asked you doesn't mean you have to be in hers. Plus you said she was rude to you and I wouldn't want someone like that around me on my wedding day. It's my day and my time to be around those I care about and those who care about me and my feelings.

Ashes_3 · August 2010

I have my soon to be sil in mine because I was in hers, but that is different. I like her and she is in our lives...due to being his sister. You DON'T have to have anyone in YOUR wedding that you don't want. It may hurt her feelings, but she will just have to deal!

jackzlukasik · August 2010

It is your wedding. Do what you want in regards to that. In my opinion, anyone who questions your choice on that (besides mom/sisters/best friend types) are petty. Would you really want them there anyway?

jgmcrf26 · August 2010

I was a MOH for 2 of my friends about 8 years ago. One I still talk to and one I don't. But, I also have 2 sisters, so I didn't feel right asking my friend to be my MOH just because I was hers.

She's actually not in the bridal party at all. She's going to be doing me a huge favor by taking pictures for me with my digital camera.

If you want this girl to do something like that for you, go for it, but she doesn't have to be in your bridal party if you don't want her to be.

tropicanagrl8 · August 2010

No, I would definitely NOT ask her. Especially since she didn't acknowledge your SO as a guest at her wedding. That right there would've put me over the edge. I was annoyed when I got an invitation to a friend's wedding that said my name and "guest" when I was already engaged to be married and living together.

I did have that friend as most other girls who totally thought she was a BM. I felt bad at first because I knew she valued the friendship more than I did but I'm just closer to other girls. I was nice enough to give her an explanation but then when this became the topic of conversation everytime we talked I finally just said "I made my decision and that's that, I'm not changing it and I'm done talking about it, end of subject." She finally dropped it. I do care for her and she is a good, old friend so I have her saying our dinner prayer.

If I was her bridesmaid - does she HAVE to be mine?

Re: If I was her bridesmaid - does she HAVE to be mine?

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