UPDATED Started Marriage Counseling

WestCoastGirl05 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_started-marriage-counseling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:05dc51dd-4c58-447e-97f7-e64d818d91d3Post:bb4dde06-9f84-4824-853e-67896aa1cb38">Re: Started Marriage Counseling</a>:
[QUOTE]I absolutely agree that I'm getting harsh because I absolutely hold Christian leaders to a higher standard-- and so does God. I have no problem speaking into your life because the thing is, you're leading young adults astray. Students are looking to you to be modeling the life your are telling them to live and you're not doing it. I am not ok with sticking my head in the sand and pretending like what you're doing is no big deal-- because it's a HUGE deal. Again, the issue is not the sin pattern . The issue is your unwillingness to recognize it as a problem. Everyone sins, everyone has issues they're dealing with and I certainly have mine, but it is my job as a leader to recognize those in my life and by the grace of God work on changing them. As a youth pastor it is my job, my God-given responsibility to ALWAYS be conducting my life in such a way that if a student were to be able to see everything I did, they would not be lead down the wrong path. You are called to live above reproach. I am not judging you as a person. I'm sure you're a great person, but the decision you are making is wrong and you know it. You cannot lead a double life and have no negative consequences. It will be found out. You need to protect yourself and your FI here. It will ruin your life. I've seen it happen-- with people very close to me and their lives were never the same. Yes, I do use harsh language for effect. Yes, I have intentionally studied passages on the use of language. Paul used the greek form of sh** in his letters. The foul words are not the problem-- the heart placement is and my heart is in a place of fiercely wanting to protect teenagers and the gospel of Christ. This issue is kinda like poking the mama bear in me. You have evoked two things I am incredibly passionate about-- teenagers and the gospel and as a result, I will speak to you with intensity. It is the hypocrisy of leaders that causes teenagers to turn away from their faith-- I'm sure the youth ministry books you're reading speak to that. I'm begging you to reconsider this. You need to come clean to your senior pastor . If what you're doing is peachy, you have nothing to worry about but hidden sins like this will KILL your ministry and no one wants that. I sincerely apologize if I came off as cruel, but I will not apologize for saying the things I've said. Do not let satan get a foothold here. I'm serious it will kill you. You might interpret this as cruel, but I honestly intend nothing but love. As a fellow pastor, I want you to be protected from this junk. I want your students to be protected. I want your ministry to thrive and it won't as long as Satan has this foothold. Don't listen to me. Take it worth a grain of salt and move on, but at the very least take some time and pray about it. Let God speak to your heart.
Posted by RebeccaJac[/QUOTE]

FWIW, I appreciate the appology. Honestly. My Senior Pastor does know what's going on, I am not so selfish or blind as to think keeping something like that from her is wise, or othewise right in my ministry, so I am not hiding anything from her. I do not tell my youth of the inner workings of the relationship that I have with my FI, I know how that would look. For what it's worth, I live in a very post-Christian area. I dont really live in D.C.... I put that I did because I used to... and havent changed it for lots of reasons... but that is irrelevant, what I am getting at is this. Where I live... you are lucky if you can get a person inside a church, let alone get them to repent of their sins. Not that it justify's my thought process... but things where I am HAVE to be more open-minded because if not... you wont get someone in the door long enough for them to know of God and therefore find conviction in Him to turn away from their sinful nature.

Everything you have said is correct, and I respect you for it. Again, I appologize for offending you. I know what's right.. I have read Pauls letters, the ones to Rome and Corinth always stuck out the most to me, especially in Romans where he talks about sin, and about how the spirit is willing, but the flesh remains weak. I want you to know that I am not un-willing to repent of my sin. But I am unwilling to be guilted into something. I am not suggesting you were trying to make me feel guilty I promise...all I mean by that is this is not the first time I have had this conversation... as I am sure it is not a first for you either. However.. I do feel midly like we are beating a dead horse here. I would hate this to turn sour and have either of us have nasty feelings in our stomach over what the other person has to say. I respect your feeligns of urgency over my Youth... I do really, believe it or not, it bothers me to know when youth pastors are leading double lives and doing things that dont sit well with their ministry. But I want you to know this... my youth are in good hands. This is my struggle, but it is not something that they know of. I do not lie about it either, I could go into the ways in which the conversations in our youth group go but, that would take too long. Like I said before, my Senior Pastor knows about it, and she and I are on the same wave-length when it comes to this sort of thing... but to be qutie honest.. our church is also on the same wave-length. I know that we have different ways of living our lives, I know mine bothers you, and I appreciate your encouragement, but also I hope you recognize as I have, that we are at an impasse. And I think the best way to go forward from here is to recognize that, and respectfully leave it alone. That being said, I wish you all the very best in your relationship and in your ministry... and I will not be engaging in this conversation any further. God Bless.

RebeccaJac · October 2011

Sessions that does not apply at all. She is in a leadership position. My argument is not at all in the decision to have premarital sex, but the knowingly making that decision when she knows it is wrong and preaching it at the same time. She knows it is wrong, she has stated many times that it is and refuses to do anything about it.

Her integrity is on the line here and while yes, many people choose to have premarital sex it is absolutely unacceptable to be preaching one thing and living another. We're talking about the hearts of students on the line here.

Imagine if her youth group found out? You think that verse is going to save her career? You think that verse is going to heal the wounds that cut deep after a scandal like that?

RebeccaJac · October 2011

I'm shocked that a senior pastor is totally ok with that.

I'm serious about spending time in prayer and seeing what God does. This is the first you've ever talked about any willingness to recognize what's going on and that's what gets me. It's not the struggle it's the unwillingness to deal with it.

If you're honestly willing to deal with it and seeking God's will, that changes everything but to come at it so causually in the beginning and so "whatever, everyone does it" is just not ok.

There's a huge difference between being open-minded with those who aren't in a realtionship with Chirst and bending on conviction. There's no way I would ever bring that stuff up with someone who wasn't in a leadership role, much less a Christian. The double life will totally turn away every person you brought in with "open-mindedness." Seriously, read up. It's all in the current culture studies.

I really am at a loss. I pray God protects you for the next month before you're married and none of this gets out.

WestCoastGirl05 · October 2011

hahaha... Dear Heavens... why are you still talking? I have been as respectful as humanly possible... but seriously... for all that is decent and holy... LET IT GO....you're not effective anymore... I am not even reading through your entire post, just stop...

mattycam · October 2011

As a person who also struggled with pre-marital sex, I can appreciate what the pastor if doing by having you and your FI sign a contract. You need an accountability partner. Abstaining is not something you guys can do on your own otherwise you would have. When you have someone holding you accountable, you have a better chance of staying celibate than leaving it up to your flesh/self.

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