My mother is a gift whore/snob...

bheartsb · July 2010

Situation: My parents have a good friend 'W' who has a daughter 'E" and son 'G'. All three 'parties' are on the invite list for the wedding, have received their STD's and have received their shower invites (except G's wife whom I didn't feel right in inviting).

So, my mom just calls me + is like...'OMG!!! You didn't invite G's WIFE!?!?! and I said...no, because I don't know her (other than seeing her @ various family functions...actually the LAST family function I saw her at was my brothers wedding 13 YEARS AGO!!!! and because it was 13 freakin' years ago, I can't re-call whether G's wife attended my SIL wed-shower) and I didn't want to seem like I was fishing for another gift.

That being said...my mom rebuttals...BUT W&E are invited + A (G's wife) is her DIL+SIL!!! (no sh*t, really?) and she should definitely be invited. ONLY because my mom is hosting the event will I invite this lady, but was I wrong for not inviting her? Granted W has always been invited to all FORMAL family functions along with her children + their spouses. I stress formal, only because we don't see these people outside of weddings, funeral, etc. But W (and her late husband) we're 1 of my parents 1st + closest friends when mom + dad came to the country, so I understand my moms connection. However I BARELY re-call their dtr E's wedding 'cause I was 15, and it's more out of obligation than friendship that I invite them.

Not to mentions my mom has this attitude of 'well, I paid 'my dues' attending various functions for them, so now it's PAYBACK time'..ugh, I hate that!!! Thoughts....comments...

georgia_bride09 · July 2010

All I saw is that you didn't invite G's wife, which a faux pas because they are a social unit. Your bad.

InferiorToKaos · July 2010

Ditto PP, regardless of whether you know his wife or not she should still be invited.

tenofcups4me · July 2010

I don't get your post. Yes, I would have invited G's wife. Seems like it would be insulting to invite the mother and sister and not the wife. What on earth does that have to do with being a gift whore or a snob?

jessjo04 · July 2010

So if train A leaves Chicago at 7:30 and train B leaves San Franciso at 10:30, each are going 35 mph, where will they meet?

cengle · July 2010

Married couples should always be invited together.

talpins101511 · July 2010

If your mom is throwing the shower, you need to respect her requests on who to invite. I also don't blame you for not wanting to invite her.

MattsPenguin · July 2010

Umm, since the daughter and daughter-in-law are on the same "level", I'd say invite them. Especially if she's in town, and it would be easy for her to come. I don't think it looks gift grabby. She could always decline and not give you anything.

nhelene · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-gift-whoresnob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5391cc78-a4dd-41d7-9a93-68b88cc640f5Post:64c66708-fe6b-480e-9c50-1839b3fbca90">Re: My mother is a gift whore/snob...</a>:
[QUOTE]All I saw is that you didn't invite G's wife, which a faux pas because they are a social unit. Your bad.
Posted by georgia_bride09[/QUOTE]

I think this is about the wedding SHOWER. I'm pretty sure the wife is invited to the wedding.

ETA: I read it again and I just can't tell. OP, you have to invite her to the wedding. You don't have to invite her to the shower.

jessicarabbit501 · July 2010

I don't think you were wrong, per se, in not inviting her but if she's invited to the wedding, why not invite her to a wedding-related activity like the shower? Especially if these people are always invited to weddings, funerals, etc. A shower invitation is totally appropriate in this case, I think. I doubt she'll think you are fishing for gifts, either. Unless you have some kind of unknown beef with this woman, invite her. She can always decline the invitation if she doesn't think it's appropriate for her to attend or, if she just doesn't want to go to your shower.

bheartsb · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-gift-whoresnob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5391cc78-a4dd-41d7-9a93-68b88cc640f5Post:9751ef82-bbad-44af-b316-eedfe31f749d">Re: My mother is a gift whore/snob...</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't get your post. Yes, I would have invited G's wife. Seems like it would be insulting to invite the mother and sister and not the wife. What on earth does that have to do with being a gift whore or a snob?
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

My moms thought process is...that family needs to 'payback' for all the gifts that she has given.

However I didn't look at it from the 'social unit' point of view. And definitely, moms wishes for invites will be respected.

I guess it was more my moms attitude about 'people owing her' than actually doing the right thing that threw me off...

vegasgroom · July 2010

If your parents are hosting, it's also wrong to not invite who they want invited, they're the host of the shower. Sounds like you already knew they'd want that person invited and then you just didn't for some reason other than the one you posted; if it was really as simple a reason as you made it sound, I think you'd have just invited her.

rbtrumpet · July 2010

G's wife isn't invited to the shower (at least that's how I read it).

I say you're OK in not inviting her if you're not close, but if you mom is hosting the shower, then she gets ultimate guest-list say, which means if you mom wants to invite her, let her.

whitneykaye87 · July 2010

I don't blame you for not inviting her, but if your mom is hosting the shower she gets to invite whoever she wants. MIL threw a shower for me and invited several of her friends (most of whom I had met once or twice), even though they wouldn't have been on my guest list.

I don't think that makes your mom a gift whore/snob. It sounds like she legitimately thinks the wife should be included.

Rosie109 · July 2010

Ow. my head hurts.

AmoroAgain · July 2010

Dude, what have you got to do with any of the invites if your mom is hosting? She should take care of that all on her own, without any input from you.

pixiedust84 · July 2010

See now I read it as G's wife isn't invited to the wedding since she said G is invited (to whatever function we're talking about.)

You have to invited G's wife if you're inviting G.

ETA:Actually I have no idea what I read. If it's regarding the shower then you should let your Mom invite who she wants to.

bheartsb · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-gift-whoresnob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5391cc78-a4dd-41d7-9a93-68b88cc640f5Post:8caa7e6a-0fa2-46b2-a877-69dec99f05de">Re: My mother is a gift whore/snob...</a>:
[QUOTE]Dude, what have you got to do with any of the invites if your mom is hosting? She should take care of that all on her own, without any input from you.
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]

(I am def talking wedding shower invitation)

If I left details (like sending invites) up to my mom, these ladies would have been invited about 2 months ago (shower is end of August) so by the time the event rolls around-they'd have forgotten about it. AND she would have invited people she wanted there-despite them not being on the wedding invite list (her way of boosting the invite list to include everyone + their mother) FYI: FI + I are paying for our wedding-NO $$$ from either side.

as for the A, I really have no issues, I just felt funny inviting her because honestly, I don't even know what she looks like. But I definitely see that since she is part of that 'clique' she should receive an invitation, and decline to attend, if she wishes

polichik · July 2010

Hold the phone. Pretty sure a shower is supposed to involve the bride's closest friends and family. The whole "paying = say" thing doesn't apply here. The bride is supposed to come up with the invitation list, and the hosts of the shower need to respect her wishes (unless the bride wants to invite 500 people, people who aren't invited to the wedding, etc).

Since the shower is an event hosted by a non-family member and held in honor of the bride, the bride doesn't have to invite every female on the guest list. I'm pretty sure we usually encourage brides to keep the guest lists small and intimate. Now, all of a sudden, the mom gets to dictate the guest list?

I'm really confused here. Etiquette for the shower isn't always the same as etiquette for the wedding. As long as this woman is invited to the wedding, there's no reason she needs to be invited to the shower unless the bride knows her well.

tenofcups4me · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-gift-whoresnob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5391cc78-a4dd-41d7-9a93-68b88cc640f5Post:aa65147f-4f47-4fcf-9658-9178a268f8b4">Re: My mother is a gift whore/snob...</a>:
[QUOTE]Hold the phone. Pretty sure a shower is supposed to involve the bride's closest friends and family. Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

That's true in some circles, but certainly not all. My shower invitation list was my close friends, family, and good friends of my mom (MIL's friends all lived several hours away or they would have been invited too). I've attended showers where all the women were invited -- not my preference, but certainly not "wrong."

You can make a case either way in this scenario, but I do know that when my SIL (DH's sister) and MIL were invited to a family shower and I wasn't, I took it as a slap in the face to DH. So did SIL, who was pissed that I wasn't invited.

If OP's mom thinks inviting her is the right thing to do, there's certainly no harm in it.

quotequeen · July 2010

I would not have invited her to my shower. I don't believe in inviting people that barely know the couple even if they are SOs of people who are related to the couple. The shower should be intimate and reserved for very close family and friends.

bheartsb · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-gift-whoresnob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5391cc78-a4dd-41d7-9a93-68b88cc640f5Post:b32ccd25-60ed-4d80-8d06-6487f2fa003a">Re: My mother is a gift whore/snob...</a>:
[QUOTE]I would not have invited her to my shower. I don't believe in inviting people that barely know the couple even if they are SOs of people who are related to the couple. The shower should be intimate and reserved for very close family and friends.
Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]

THIS! as I mentioned...I couldn't pick this lady out of a line-up if my life depended on it. The only reason her + husband are on the wedding invite list is out of a friendly 'obligation' to his parents who have a long-time relationship w/my parents.

I didn't invite MANY spouses for that reason. Like my former bosses wife. Although I feel the need to invite my former boss + his wife to the wedding, I didn't invite his wife to the shower because I really don't know her.

I guess it gets a lil sticky because of the 'circle' of people invited here.

stacy&tige · July 2010

I wouldn't have invited her either...if you can't pick her out of a crowd why would you want her at your shower? But this is one of those things you may just need to let your mom have. It can't hurt anyone and if A doesn't want to attend then she won't.

I also agree with polichik...the bride should be consulted about who is attending the shower. Just because the mother is hosting doesn't mean she gets to pick the guestlist (what if she didn't want to invite any of the bride's friends? or what if the mom wanted to invite people who weren't coming to the wedding? what if she only invited people she knew, not the bride? etc). My MOH asked for a list of people I wanted at the shower she is hosting in my honor. Everyone going is someone that I love and care about, no randoms.

wadingmoose · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-gift-whoresnob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5391cc78-a4dd-41d7-9a93-68b88cc640f5Post:64c66708-fe6b-480e-9c50-1839b3fbca90">Re: My mother is a gift whore/snob...</a>:
[QUOTE]All I saw is that you didn't invite G's wife, which a faux pas because they are a social unit. Your bad.
Posted by georgia_bride09[/QUOTE]

Shower, not wedding.

wadingmoose · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-gift-whoresnob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5391cc78-a4dd-41d7-9a93-68b88cc640f5Post:8caa7e6a-0fa2-46b2-a877-69dec99f05de">Re: My mother is a gift whore/snob...</a>:
[QUOTE]Dude, what have you got to do with any of the invites if your mom is hosting? She should take care of that all on her own, without any input from you.
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]

Wait, what? I've never hosted a shower without getting a guest list from the bride...

bheartsb · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-gift-whoresnob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5391cc78-a4dd-41d7-9a93-68b88cc640f5Post:afb94c86-821d-4b6a-bc0e-0cbb7ea043a6">Re: My mother is a gift whore/snob...</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't have invited her either...if you can't pick her out of a crowd why would you want her at your shower? But this is one of those things you may just need to let your mom have. It can't hurt anyone and if A doesn't want to attend then she won't. I also agree with polichik...the bride should be consulted about who is attending the shower. Just because the mother is hosting doesn't mean she gets to pick the guestlist (what if she didn't want to invite any of the bride's friends? or what if the mom wanted to invite people who weren't coming to the wedding? what if she only invited people she knew, not the bride? etc). My MOH asked for a list of people I wanted at the shower she is hosting in my honor. Everyone going is someone that I love and care about, no randoms.
Posted by stacy&tige[/QUOTE]

THIS! was the biggest reason I wanted to be involved with the guestlist...My mom...she's a sneaky 1!

My mother is a gift whore/snob...

Re: My mother is a gift whore/snob...

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