Charitable donations in lieu of shower gifts?

[Deleted User] · February 2010

I feel kind of weird about receiving so many gifts, with shower and wedding gifts. Ack. Plus, I know a lot of my friends will feel anxious and not know what to get, and I don't want them to feel pressured.
I was thinking that I would ask that shower guests make a charitable donation of however much they feel comfortable giving instead of buying a gift. Is it okay for me to provide a list of specific charities and ask them to donate to ones on the list? I feel uncomfortable having donations made to religious organizations when my fiance and I are not religious and are having a secular ceremony, and I would appreciate that they make donations to causes that are near to our hearts.

laurenclaire1386 · February 2010

I would be seriously turned off by this. People want to get you a gift as a gesture of goodwill toward you and your FI. If they want to donate to charity, they'll do it on their own.

MeaghanandMichael · February 2010

You absolutely do not need to have a shower in any way.

Problem solved.

cougarette · February 2010

I agree with Meaghan, don't have a shower.

quotequeen · February 2010

If you don't want gifts, why don't you just not have a shower? I don't consider charitable donations to be gifts, so I would not want to do that.

scoetto · February 2010

You could take any cash you get and donate it instead.

ac_in_dc · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_charitable-donations-lieu-of-shower-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:af92ad94-ba11-49b2-a692-1e34cea48660Post:cc30bef3-2880-4243-bba9-e3d79868bad0">Charitable donations in lieu of shower gifts?</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel kind of weird about receiving so many gifts, with shower and wedding gifts. Ack. Plus, I know a lot of my friends will feel anxious and not know what to get, and I don't want them to feel pressured. I was thinking that I would ask that shower guests make a charitable donation of however much they feel comfortable giving instead of buying a gift. Is it okay for me to provide a list of specific charities and ask them to donate to ones on the list? I feel uncomfortable having donations made to religious organizations when my fiance and I are not religious and are having a secular ceremony, and I would appreciate that they make donations to causes that are near to our hearts.
Posted by sinkcat[/QUOTE]

I understand where you're coming from on the whole gift thing. Receiving wedding gifts makes me uncomfortable as well.

However, the charitable donation thing is a minefield in its own right...it can come of as self-righteous or odd to ask guests to donate somewhere. Some folks on here have been able to set something up that's classy & successful, but I think a lot of times this comes off as tacky.

I'd recommend just skipping the shower--you can have a luncheon with some girlfriends if you want to celebrate in advance of the wedding, and just specify that it's not a gift giving event. And for the wedding, just accept that folks will give you gifts...registering for inexpensive items can help send a message to guests that you're not expecting pricey stuff. Good luck!

AlexiaANDRobert · February 2010

Don't have a shower.

Don't ask for charitable donations.

ohwhynot · February 2010

I don't think that's a good idea, but I think you have good intentions. How about just declining any showers? If people insist, then have a luncheon or cocktail get-together and don't call it a shower. That will cut down on the number of gifts you get.

[Deleted User] · February 2010

I would prefer to not have a shower, but my aunt (who is pretty much the only family I've got) really wants to host one, and it seems to be a big deal for her. She has the best intentions, but it's kind of putting more pressure on me.
I guess I can maybe try to convince her to just host a dinner type thing, and forgo gifts altogether.

ac_in_dc · February 2010

You can also keep the guest list really small for the shower. Or there may be some kind of theme shower you can do where the gifts are by their nature low-key and inexpensive. I did a lingerie shower (not for everyone) but I liked it b/c folks can get you a $10 gift (or a more expensive one obviously) and still be true to the spirit of the event.

sucrets4 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_charitable-donations-lieu-of-shower-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:af92ad94-ba11-49b2-a692-1e34cea48660Post:a831e44e-f722-4c38-a2ea-72f1514d3ebb">Re: Charitable donations in lieu of shower gifts?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would prefer to not have a shower, but my aunt (who is pretty much the only family I've got) really wants to host one, and it seems to be a big deal for her. She has the best intentions, but it's kind of putting more pressure on me. I guess I can maybe try to convince her to just host a dinner type thing, and forgo gifts altogether.
Posted by sinkcat[/QUOTE]

The issue is then how should you deal with your aunt. Have you told her that you appreciate it, but that it's not your style?

CA2MT4EveR · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_charitable-donations-lieu-of-shower-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:af92ad94-ba11-49b2-a692-1e34cea48660Post:6df337ad-c788-4d4e-89cc-0dca6dfb801d">Re: Charitable donations in lieu of shower gifts?</a>:
[QUOTE]Y I did a lingerie shower (not for everyone) but I liked it b/c folks can get you a $10 gift (or a more expensive one obviously) and still be true to the spirit of the event.
Posted by ac_in_dc[/QUOTE]

That sounds like a good alternative to me.

I could go on for days about the donating to charity thing. ugh!

shellydiane820 · February 2010

Ask your aunt if she would just host a luncheon or dinner, and not a shower. Let her know you don't want gifts.

duckie1905 · February 2010

If I were invited to a shower that asked me to donate money instead of buy a gift I would:

1. Decline the shower invite, and probably the wedding too.
2. Attend but buy a completely ridiculous and useless gift.

jeanna85 · February 2010

decline any offers for a shower if you feel uncomfortable.

squirrly · February 2010

If you don't want shower gifts, don't have a shower. Feel free to have a bridal luncheon or tea, with no gifts involved, but you should be prepared for some people to bring gifts. They will. It just happens. But - do NOT do a charity shower. Yuck.

CCBelle · February 2010

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_charitable-donations-lieu-of-shower-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:af92ad94-ba11-49b2-a692-1e34cea48660Post:3cdc4fb2-75ce-4b88-9aef-b80f858ec4ce">Re: Charitable donations in lieu of shower gifts?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ask your aunt if she would just host a luncheon or dinner, and not a shower. Let her know you don't want gifts.
Posted by shellydiane820[/QUOTE]

Agreed. Everyone has their own personal charities that they donate to and don't want to be told who to give to. Offer donations in lieu of favors at your reception if you feel passionate about one charity in particular.</div>

CA2MT4EveR · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_charitable-donations-lieu-of-shower-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:af92ad94-ba11-49b2-a692-1e34cea48660Post:68396de7-d107-4baa-b4ec-8af4ffe7768a">Re: Charitable donations in lieu of shower gifts?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Charitable donations in lieu of shower gifts? : Agreed. Everyone has their own personal charities that they donate to and don't want to be told who to give to. Offer donations in lieu of favors at your reception if you feel passionate about one charity in particular.
Posted by CCBelle[/QUOTE]

Even this is controversial. If you want to donate, donate. Your wedding does not have to be an excuse to donate to a charity

danieliza1127 · February 2010

As a guest, I would be a lot more uncomfortable donating to a charity than just buying you a gift. Are you going to register for the wedding? If you register, people will buy off the registry and they won't stress over what to get you.

I think if you don't want gifts, don't have a shower. If you have a shower, just be gracious and appreciative of the gifts you receive, but don't ask people to do charity donations instead. It's a good intention but kind of off-putting.

lizstill13 · February 2010

I agree, just don't have a shower. People will want to give you gifts if you have a shower and might be a little offended if you ask them to make a donation. I hate it when I feel like I'm being forced to make a donation.

Charitable donations in lieu of shower gifts?

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