Too young to [want] to be engaged?

SiennaO · May 2012

So, me and my boyfriend have been together 3 years and 4 months. He's about to graduate high school (he's 18, I'm 19) and we will both be starting college this coming august for the same thing. He told me today that after he officially graduates this Tuesday he is going to ask his mother for her wedding ring (from her 2nd marriage/his father.) I love him, I want to get engaged. I already talked to my older sister about it and she says that it doesn't seem like a horrible idea because we'd wait until we are well into college and in our own place [so at least 2-4 years]. I know I'm young, but we know we've found the one person we can be ourselves around and not have to keep up any walls or worry about acting or speaking a certain way.

I know, people will say "if you're going to wait to get married, why not just wat to get engaged?" That's a good point, but both of us want this, even if it means having to wait.

bethsmiles · May 2012

The point of being engaged is to plan a wedding. If you aren't ready to get married then there is zero need to get engaged.

It's great that you and your BF have been together for so long but college is a time where both of you will do a lot of growing and changing. I'm not saying you will grow apart (my BF and I have stayed together through college) but there is no reason to jump into an engagement. So just enjoy dating and college, there are lots of fun new experiences yet to be had for both of you. Worry about getting engaged and married in a few years. You will be glad you waited.

SiennaO · May 2012

people have long engagements all the time, my sister was engaged for 2 years.

leia1979 · May 2012

I'd recommend waiting until after you finish college (or undergrad, if you plan to be in school for a long time). What is the benefit of getting engaged now if you plan to wait several years to get married? On the other hand, is there harm in it? Not really, but I stick by my advice to graduate college before getting married.

bethsmiles · May 2012

I know people have long engagements, I'm saying that they are unnecessary especially when you are a teenager.

What is the point of getting engaged now if you aren't ready to get married?

travelerkris · May 2012

Like PP said, the point of being engaged is to plan a wedding, and to deal with the transition from boyfriend/girlfriend to married. The emotional implications of this are enormous, and you've got so much growing to do on your own when you move out of your parent's house and into the dorms/roommates without the complications of moving from single to married etc.

I think it is smart that you want to wait until you are out of school to get married, especially if you aren't going to the same college. I think it's best to do school, then maybe get engaged your last year and plan your wedding for after graduation.

I'm happy that you've found your one. Good luck!

Swazzle · May 2012

I notice that throughout your entire post you don't mention wanting to MARRY your boyfriend. You said you "want to get engaged." That's different from wanting and being ready to marry someone and share your life with them forever.

I agree with PP, if you're not ready to plan a wedding then it's pointless to get engaged right now. Yes, people have long engagements (mine is 20 months) but there's no point in getting engaged when you know ahead of time that you aren't going to be ready for marriage for years. Go to college, live life, and grow as a person first. If you and your BF love each other and want to get married, you'll still feel that way in a couple years.

ETA: Your BF should not be ASKING his mother for her ring for you. That's extremely rude if it wasn't offered.

thejucheidea · May 2012

I think you're too young, straight up.

Wait until you get out of college before getting married. Regardless of what you think, college is a huge transition, and you will change as a person. It could be that after you get out of college, you're still in love with the same person, but it's equally possible that you will find something else. Locking yourself into a relationship now is a very bad idea.

Step back. You can be devoted to someone without engagement.

tuarceatha · May 2012

I wanted to get married to every boyfriend I dated from high school to FI. I think I just wanted that commitment and security, and thought that if I couldn't see myself marrying this person--what was the point? That was me at 19. I'm almost 29 now and I have changed SO MUCH in the last ten years.

I agree with PP, engagement is for planning a marriage that starts on a particular day. College is ideal for dating. You'll be meeting all sorts of new people and having all sorts of new experiences and you'll leave 4-5 years later and be like "oh how different I was when I got here..." Marriage is probably best when you are a bit more settled into yourself, IMO.

I dunno though. You two know what is best for you two. My opinion is that you are too young to plan a marriage. I've heard it is really stressful to be engaged for years and years too.

Stina51286 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_too-young-to-want-to-be-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9cd03110-5ad2-473e-bd3b-f45e5d97ae7ePost:01418a93-74ff-4b72-98ae-dbe26e22776a">Too young to [want] to be engaged?</a>:
[QUOTE]So, me and my boyfriend have been together 3 years and 4 months. He's about to graduate high school (he's 18, I'm 19) and we will both be starting college this coming august for the same thing. <strong>He told me today that after he officially graduates this Tuesday he is going to ask his mother for her wedding ring (from her 2nd marriage/his father.)</strong> I love him, I want to get engaged. I already talked to my older sister about it and she says that it doesn't seem like a horrible idea because we'd wait until we are well into college and in our own place [so at least 2-4 years]. I know I'm young, but we know we've found the one person we can be ourselves around and not have to keep up any walls or worry about acting or speaking a certain way. I know, people will say "if you're going to wait to get married, why not just wat to get engaged?" That's a good point, but both of us want this, even if it means having to wait.
Posted by SiennaO[/QUOTE]

Who does this?

ETA: If your boyfriend cannot financially afford a ring on his own and has to ask his mother for her ring, thats a red flag right there. The red flag is that you are too young and a 4 yr engagement just because you want to be engaged is dumb and it probably wont last.

beanbot2002 · May 2012

Bop! Who's up next?

jaycee7389 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_too-young-to-want-to-be-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9cd03110-5ad2-473e-bd3b-f45e5d97ae7ePost:b7bc6520-8b17-4df3-9abf-46606a2999fe">Re: Too young to [want] to be engaged?</a>:
[QUOTE]I notice that throughout your entire post you don't mention wanting to MARRY your boyfriend. You said you "want to get engaged." That's different from wanting and being ready to marry someone and share your life with them forever. I agree with PP, if you're not ready to plan a wedding then it's pointless to get engaged right now. Yes, people have long engagements (mine is 20 months) but there's no point in getting engaged when you know ahead of time that you aren't going to be ready for marriage for years. Go to college, live life, and grow as a person first. If you and your BF love each other and want to get married, you'll still feel that way in a couple years. ETA: Your BF should not be ASKING his mother for her ring for you. That's extremely rude if it wasn't offered.
Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]

copy paste for my answer.

Beads921 · May 2012

OP - Where did you go?

Just because people have long engagements doesn't mean it's right for you. Like RDR, ours will be 20 months. It's longer than I would have liked, but FI proposed a bit sooner than I was expecting, and it just didn't work for us to get married any sooner. He proposed because we were ready to get married though, and some days I wish we'd just gone to the courthouse that day and been done with it. This 20 month wait is too long!

Here are my thoughts on the age thing: I distinctly remember my first night in residence. All us girl were gathered around, talking about our respective partners. We all thought we were going to marry those guys. Of the girls on my floor (of 50), I am the only one still with the same guy I was with when I moved into residence 4 years ago. You are not special, and there are no guarantees you'll be that 1 in 50 (I don't know what the real stats are, but that's what it was on my floor). Being engaged will just complicate things. It's tough to maintain a relationship through school.

thejucheidea · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_too-young-to-want-to-be-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9cd03110-5ad2-473e-bd3b-f45e5d97ae7ePost:ed995c5d-46df-468f-baa5-545ce7a63d87">Re: Too young to [want] to be engaged?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Too young to [want] to be engaged? : ETA: If your boyfriend cannot financially afford a ring on his own and has to ask his mother for her ring, thats a red flag right there.
Posted by Stina51286[/QUOTE]

Yeah, pretty much. My grandmother gave Tyler her wedding ring to use, but he didn't ask for it. There's no way we'd be able to afford (or want to waste the money on) a ring as nice as hers, but we'd have made do with whatever. I don't think that a freshly minted high school graduate has any right to be asking his mother for her wedding ring for his girlfriend.

lennonkdc · May 2012

OP, I can't tell you if getting engaged is a good idea or not. I can tell you that I was engaged at 18, to a guy I loved more then life it self and I KNEW in my gut that we were going to beat the odds. We waited 2 years to set a date, and at 20 began planning our dream wedding.

*Spoiler Alert*

It didn't work out. We had been perfect for eachother at 18, but you change so much, even between 18-20, not to mention 20-30. We had changed into people who were no longer good together. Luckly we both adult enough to realized it before it was too late.

You and BF might be different, you might be able to weather, as a couple, all that is going to be thrown at you in the next 2-4 years. It is possible. Its just not probable.

jemmini6 · May 2012

OP - If you aren't ready to up and get married tomorrow, then you aren't ready to be engaged. Yes, people have long engagments, and that's usually because there are circumstances that require that, such as date conflicts, saving for a wedding, etc, but most of those people would get married sooner if they were able. If you are planning a long engagement because you know you are too young and aren't ready to be married yet, then there's no reason to be engaged.

In the end though, no one can tell you what's right for you. The odds aren't in your favor by rushing into an engagement right out of high school, but only you can decide if you want to test those odds with your relationship.

peekaboo2011 · May 2012

OP, here's the deal.

I went off to college at 17, met this great guy, and 3 years later we were engaged. I was 21. Spoiler alert, six months later, we broke up. Because over the course of the four years I was in college, I grew up. I wasn't this girl who just wanted to get engaged and have her PPD anymore. I wanted so SO much more. And the person I thought I could have all of those things with? Well, he didn't even know what I wanted. And it wasn't because I didn't tell him. It was because over those 3.5 years, we had both changed so much it just wasn't going to work.

Long story short, if you aren't ready to get married rightthissecond, you don't need to be engaged right now. And you'll be surprised how much you'll change in 4 years.

kaitlynmichelle · May 2012

It is really rude to ask someone for their ring, they should offer it first. What is his plan if she says no and won't give it to him? Listen to these ladies. I'm still with the same guy from when I was 16, but it hasn't always been easy. I'm quite confident if we got engaged years ago we wouldn't have been able to handle getting married. We are both very different people compared to 3,4,5, etc. years ago.

LilTexasGal · May 2012

Wow... there are so many issues with your post, that it is hard to know where to begin.

My first issue with your post... you're not actually asking for any advice. You've come to a conclusion - you want to get engaged. You've talked to your sister about it, and you're ready for this step, because you want to get engaged. You also shoot down a reason, right off the bat. To me, it seems as if you don't really want advice, and from the way you replied to Beth's (very valid) point, it makes me seem as if you came here wanting us to say "Go you! You're a special flower! Do it!" Sorry to burst your bubble, but you're 19. You're young - end of story. You're not even in college yet, and you're already wanting to get engaged. Great, but you've never actually been in an ADULT relationship, and that is what a married relationship will primarily be... an ADULT relationship. You will have adult issues to tackle... paying bills, buying house, car, insurance, working full time jobs, dealing with ADULT life issues. You have no idea how you two will be able to cope together, because from the sounds of it, you both are still living in your parents' houses, and that usually means you've never had to face real adult issues. I'm not being mean, I am just being honest.

Another thing you mention... you're going to wait at least 2-4 years... "be in your own place", does this mean paying ALL your own bills? College, rent, food, gas, etc. ? Is your only goal to be living together before you get married? I certainly am not going to say, "If you're willing to wait to get married, then wait to get engaged." I am going to say "If you're NOT ready to get married, then DON'T get engaged." Getting engaged means that you're ready to get married and are either waiting for whatever reason (not because you're not ready yet) or you are simply planning a wedding. There are MANY ladies on these boards who are NOT ready to be married yet (haven't met their goals, etc.) so they are NOT engaged. See the connection? I honestly don't feel like you should get married if you're not able to support yourself without supplement from Mom and Dad (doesn't mean they can't provide things for you... but you have to be ABLE to support yourself regardless. What happens if they go bankrupt tomorrow? Can't rely on them forever.)

Another thing, if your BF has to ask his mother for her ring, it makes me wonder about his maturity. He certainly can afford a $5.00 ring from Wal-Mart, if he really wants you to have a ring. I would rather have a $5.00 ring, than for my FI to have asked his mother for her ring. Hopefully she said "Ask for it when you're ready." If not, what he is thinking of doing is very rude. If he cannot afford a ring, then perhaps that is a sign that says you're not in the financial situation to make this kind of commitment.

I know I haven't really said anything that PP haven't said already, but I don't feel you can hear it too much. You do NOT need to get engaged rightthissecond for your relationship to be valid, and if you get engaged now, be prepared to face the "oh when are you getting married", if you say "2-4 years, you know, when we're ready." People are going to look at you like "WTF are you doing engaged then?". Yes, people have 2 year engagements, but I bet you that MOST of those people would be willing to get married RIGHT NOW, but are personally CHOOSING to wait. FI and I will be married next July (we were engaged early March) but I would be more than willing to go RIGHT NOW to the courthouse, no pretty dress, hair and make up not even done, and sign the papers saying I am married to FI. Why then, am I not doing it? FI and I want to have a wedding, and more importantly, our mothers (neither of which had a wedding... only a civil service in a courthouse) really want us to have a nice wedding. If something comes up, we don't NEED one though.

Anyway, I am sure you're going to do what you want to do, regardless of what advice you get here (since I get the sneaking suspicion that you didn't really want advice, but reassurance), but at least you were given the advice, and I hope everything that was said here gives you something else to think about. Being mature sometimes means making a choice that you might not be want to want right now, but is certainly the wiser choice.

(At work, and I've been typing this over the course of an hour, so sorry if this isn't very cohesive)

Too young to [want] to be engaged?

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