Exactly how offensive is this plan...?

AUTeach · August 2010

It's not offensive at all. Most people (aside from the couple's immediate family and very close friends) only come to weddings for the party anyway. Sorry girls, but it's true...no one cares about your wedding as much as you do. People will probably be happy to get out of having to go and sit somewhere for a minimum of a half hour. That being said, if you have friends or family that you weren't planning to include but you know it would really mean a lot to them to come, include them. Some people actually do like to watch people getting married (mostly old people). Just make an open invite to the vows and make sure you are completely clear that there will not be a reception to follow for a while. This way, people know that they are welcome, but trust me, they won't come if actually witnessing the marriage is not as important to them as partying it up with the happy couple. Don't listen to the rude comments on here...it's not anyone else's day. As long as you and your man are happy...that's all that matters.

PamandTroy · August 2010

I am floored at the number of folks who find this a bad thing....small wedding and then a party later.

That is exactly what we are doing. My reasons are not the same, my fiance is not in the service (we are both older, but first marriage for both of us). My small wedding is out of respect for my mother who has health issues and is very concerned on how people may react to her particular issues. So family only at the wedding and then a blow out party 3 weeks later.

I am sure Emily Post may not agree, but there is no reason why a bride and groom can't do what they wish as long as it's not offensive or rude. And as long as said bride and groom don't expect gifts at said party and treat it as that, a party, not a reception, then good on 'em!

The invites to our party clearly state that it is a party and 'no gifts, please'.

PamandTroy · August 2010

AMEN!

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_exactly-offensive-this-plan?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9071110-95f5-4b1a-a928-9a2c897a34afPost:bfc1ec22-e973-4568-8a4a-0a52b7208ab2">Re: Exactly how offensive is this plan...?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's not offensive at all. Most people (aside from the couple's immediate family and very close friends) only come to weddings for the party anyway. Sorry girls, but it's true...no one cares about your wedding as much as you do. People will probably be happy to get out of having to go and sit somewhere for a minimum of a half hour. That being said, if you have friends or family that you weren't planning to include but you know it would really mean a lot to them to come, include them. Some people actually do like to watch people getting married (mostly old people). Just make an open invite to the vows and make sure you are completely clear that there will not be a reception to follow for a while. This way, people know that they are welcome, but trust me, they won't come if actually witnessing the marriage is not as important to them as partying it up with the happy couple. Don't listen to the rude comments on here...it's not anyone else's day. As long as you and your man are happy...that's all that matters.
Posted by AUTeach[/QUOTE]

MeganJune11 · August 2010

I totally understand how you feel....when it comes to the milarity, they lie all the time about shipping dates, but that being said I'm sure your family and friends will understand....and I don't think it's rude to have a reception type party after...I'm sure if you explain to people what's happening no one should be hurt.

keirarae2 · August 2010

Nothing is offensive if you dont let it be. This is a day about YOU and HIM. Im a big family person and even think of my friends as family, but its their fault if they let it bother them....not yours....this is your wedding, not theirs. Its about love, and union, not about making everyone you know happy.

I think a small ceremony and big party later is perfectly fine! (If you had eloped it would be the same situation. )

I would talk to your bridemaids and ask them their suggestions (communication is key) once they realize the struggle your having with it, maybe they can actually help you out! (thats what friends are for)

and maybe when you have your reception, they can have some kind of role in that, you could get everyone to do a procession into the reception hall and then have an MC introduce everyone as they enter, make it fun!

hope I helped....if even a little.

this is your special moment with your fiance, so dont stress and keep it all about you

DSil1010 · August 2010

My cousin did this, she and her husband, had a small ceremony with immediate family, then had a reception after. We weren't offended, nor where any of the people who came to the reception.

My cousin, showed a video of them saying their vows during the reception, very touching.

armigal23 · August 2010

I know that some might find this tacky but we are doing a dinner on Friday before my wedding and we are having our family pay for their meals. An option would be to have a nice wedding ceremony open it up to your close friends as well as family (I am sure you want your friends there as they will be supporting you when he is deployed) and then just have everyone pay for their meal and you and your FI pay for the bar tab or appitizers or something like that. To me the ceremony is most important and since your at a park I am sure it won't matter how many come.

Just an idea. I am prior service and wish your FI and you the best during this year ahead.

kls87 · August 2010

Being as My FI Iis in the milatary as well I can can compleetly understand the delema, personaly If it were me, I would have a a quick wedding at a park and a BBQ and just invite everyone Via facebook. Just let evey one know your short on time and you wanted to included them. I see nothing wrong with that TBH I dont think its tacky I think its smart easy and quick.

Neicy612 · August 2010

I TOTALLY one hundred and a million percent agree!!

As a Bride that's really tired of trying to make EVERYONE ELSE happy, I say do what YOU want. Let your guests deal with the rest. Military is extenuating circumstances. Everyone will understand. Good luck with whatever happens!

mybrownidgurl · August 2010

I am also marrying a military man. He actually goes to a school 2 weeks after our wedding. We decided to do a short engagement, and if you are flexible then it can totally be done! I do believe that people would be understanding if you decided to do a small family only ceremony, but I also don't see why you can't invite a couple of close friends each. Maybe one for each of you to stand there with you. A big, fun reception later is fine! People just want to celebrate your love for each other when they can. Our lives are going to be very different then most people, and others will understand that things don't go exactly as planned!

BRoss85 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_exactly-offensive-this-plan?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9071110-95f5-4b1a-a928-9a2c897a34afPost:92d8b957-f26a-4d01-bbab-1f5d8794bb93">Re: Exactly how offensive is this plan...?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Exactly how offensive is this plan...? : My opinion, given your situation, is just to plan the wedding that you guys want and can afford. Invite who you want to be there. If they can make it, they will. If they can't, well then they just can't. It's okay and totally normal for people to miss a wedding. It doesn't mean you need to throw a bunch of receptions to accommodate them all. I'm sure they'll understand your reasoning for doing it in 2 months. They'll either find a way to be there or not, but I don't really see any reason not to just go ahead and plan your wedding and be done with it.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

<div>this sounds extremely reasonable. Given the circumstance, most (if not all) would understand, At least you've given the people that you really want there the chance to speak for themselves, and try to make it out. </div><div>Have you ever thought of doing a casual reception afterwards? such as a barbeque, or even a potluck? this ensures plenty of food for all, within a cheap budget line. Its good if your concerned about costs on top of travel. As far as locations go, how large is the park you're having the ceremony in? Is it a small neighborhood type, or a large city park? If its a large city park, most cities (as long as you contact them) are fine with having receptions in the park.</div>

jgmcrf26 · August 2010

That's what we did for my sister and her husband (he wasn't in the military or anything, they just wanted to get married).

They did actually go to the JOP to be married with immediate family and grandparents, then we had dinner at a restaurant later.

As her MOH, a couple of months later (when weather was better), I threw them a reception with the entire family and all of their friends.

Is is not offensive. It would be just like having a party on your one year anniversary and inviting people who may not have attended the wedding. But, like you said, do what you and your FI want. Don't worry what others think. If they are offended, they won't come to the party and you wouldn't want them there anyway...

amy1503 · August 2010

I say to make yourself feel better, explain the military situation and invite everyone...if they can make it great, if not then thats on them.....at least you stop feeling bad and worrying about it.

CandiceMary83 · August 2010

if you do anything at all don't invite people to the ceremony and not to the dinner afterwards that's worse than being invited to the reception and not the ceremony I think. I was once invited to a wedding like that ceremony only and not the reception and I thought it was the rudest thing ever esspecially because they had a gift table set up in the foyer of the church. The brides explaination was that they couldn't afford to have more than a certain number of people at the reception but wanted everyone to be able to see them get married. I acutally felt like a "second class guest" whatever you do don't do that.

deannaguss · August 2010

I think your suggestion sounds just fine. I would completely understand if it were one of my close friends or family members. A reception in the future would be a great idea because you and your husband would be like newlyweds again when he came home from wherever he may be deployed to!

robinbellows · August 2010

I don't think that is offensive at all. Your close friends and family will understand your situation, and should be happy for you however you decide to do your ceremony.

In fact, my sister did the same thing about 5 years (but not under the same circumstances). She decided to include 2 friends to serve as attendants, and included me and her husband's brother as well. It was a very small, civil ceremony with a nice dinner to follow.

Of course there were a many people who would have liked to attend, but at the end of the day, she was happy, and everyone was happy for her. She sent out wedding announcement cards with their favorite picture to all the friends and family that couldn't be included.

Best of luck to you and your future husband - and congratulations!! Don't lose sight of the most important part of all this planning and worrying about others, and that's celebrating your love!

eseiple · August 2010

My fiance is in the military and is an officer and its his career until retirement. So we were faced with these same things. So we toyed with a few ideas. Keep in mind there is no right or wrong. We have cornered ourselves into thinking things need to be this or that way but uiltimately its about you and your fiance and what ever you want to do to celebrate your marraige is up to you .

So this is what we thought, is that we would go to the JOP and be married but would just keep that to ourselves since we would be apart between the JOP date and a few months before our planned wedding date. Know one needed to know. And then go on with the regular wedding per plans. I am not going to say we went with this or not:) but we thought about it...

Bottom line is you do what ever you want....its about you and your fiance getting married...the rest is open to be what ever and how ever you want it to be! Just don't get tied up in tradition ....

Sancha0 · August 2010

Hmm...that is quite the dilemma! Best of luck figuring it out. My two cents worth: Send out invitations with the date and time, letting them know the location will be determined later and they will be notified. Include in your invitation a letter explaining the circumstances (i.e. your fiance is being shipped out/training sooner than anticipated and that you will be having your wedding/reception on that date. Explain how important it is to you to serve in the military. Say that, while you know with short notice many people won't be able to make it, you still want them to feel included and that you will host a welcome home/housewarming upon his return."

Question, is there any harm in waiting longer to have the wedding you want? My fiance and I were dating for 4 years and won't be married for another year because we wanted to wait until the time was right.

Other question: If most of the family would have to fly in, would it be possible for you to fly to them? or do you have your heart set on a specific location?

Just a few things to consider. Again, good luck!!

athena232 · August 2010

You should absolutely do it the way you want to do it! I am basically doing the same thing, but mostly because I personally hate the big wedding thing. We'll have a small wedding and meal afterward w/immedate family, then a reception after we return from the honeymoon with the large, extended family.

I don't care what other people think of my plan and neither should you - it's yours and your FI/H's day!

CallaLily08 · August 2010

I think you should do whatever works best for you and your fiance. Who the hell cares what anyone else thinks, or how they may perceive your wedding? Every wedding has the same result, a married couple. Do it small, big, rushed, or not, it is about you two. You two clearly have different circumstances and I'm sure guests will understand. Go with your own instinct and don't worry abt what anyone else thinks or says.

cafesito · August 2010

I agree with Miss Courtney... invite anyone your heart desires and if they're able, then great. If not, they will understand. I would utilize your wedding website, to communicate the details to anyone you initially wanted to invite: such as why plans have changed. The folks who can't make it to your wedding will make that decision on their own - it won't be you excluding them. Remember, this is your wedding... to unite you & your love - not to please everyone else. That being said, let others make their own decision about being involved. Have a fantastic wedding that suits you, your current situation, and your budget. Most of all, congratulations!

p.s. Negativity has no place in your planning.... disregard and move on...

radamaitis01 · August 2010

You have to do what feels right for you and realize those that love you will understand. Being a military wife will put plenty of strain on you so don't let the wedding do that to you - While the wedding is an important event that you want to be memorable and romantic, remember the marriage is far more important. I fully understand that your plans have to be flexible - I'm planning a military wedding with a retired sailor in a foreign country :-) Remember to make it YOUR day, the way you want.

sleepnbeeutie · August 2010

I think that this is perfectly acceptable. Given that you want to get married before he leaves, I am sure everyone will understand that. Plus, most people have the most fun at the reception anyway, which will give everyone a chance to come and celebrate with you at a later date and I think it's a win win... you get to marry him now and they get to party with you later.

jemima123 · August 2010

Your plan sounds fantastic. It's YOUR wedding. Do what works for you. Share all the details after the fact with those who were and were not invited and tell them you want to share all the photos and impressions. You are inviting those you want to be there. Do what works for you.

Tofulady · August 2010

I don't think it's offensive at all. While people might initially feel hurt, they will realize that they are happy for you, and that's what counts! I too am in a similar situation. My guy and I are over in Japan (he is a Naval Officer) and we decided to do a Japanese city hall marriage (literally just paperwork, no JOP or anything of that kind, just a paper pusher) and then have our "real" wedding after this duty station. The thing is, by the time we have our "real" wedding, we will have technically been married for two years! I find it really weird but hey, what can you do, it's life in the military right? Best of luck to you guys!

MooreDawson · August 2010

To be honest, I've been planning my wedding for over a year, but it's only because I'm a very indecisive person. So much so that I've planned and bought half of what I need in the last four weeks and I'm four weeks our from it. I just booked an officiant and a caterer yesterday. None of my family bought their tickets yet but almost all already replied yes (invites sent out a week and a half ago) It is entirely possibly to plan and execute a wedding you will love in two months.

lziaks · August 2010

I have to say I'm confused why people who chose to have a small destination wedding and a huge reception when they get home would get special treatment, especially considering in your case he isn't going on a tropical vaca but serving our country.

I say go for it! Have your small weddng that you feel more comfortable with and make it great. Everyone is flying in right - so it's sort of like a destination anyway. You could always get someone to make a video of the vows and send it out to the people who really get all upset over missing the ceremony, but to be honest, I am pretty sure people just want to celebrate you and your commitment to eachother and will do it in just about any way you ask them to.

Tell him I said thank you - because we need more selfless people in this world.

mrsthoser · August 2010

I totally know how you feel. My Fi is leaving Oct. 27th for Navy boot camp, so we were in a similar pickle. I wanted a spring/summer outdoor wedding, but we got engaged in April and to plan everything by August was too much. We went with the JOP for now and th ceremony & reception later. While it wasn't exactly what I wanted either, it works, and all our friends and family get to see us joined together...sort of. Everyone knows about it and are completely supportive. But since that's not what you want, I see nothing wrong with your idea. Invite whoever you want to the JOP ceremony and then when he gets back, have a reception. I'm sure that given the circumstances, everyone will understand.

Here's another thought: why not just renew your vows when he gets back and have a ceremony&celebration for that? Then it won't feel so much like you're having "2 weddings".

Also, concerning your Fi, find out as much info as you can...it sounds like they're withholding info from you. Like I said my Fi leaves in Oct. and we know that he will be in BT for 8 wks and "A" school (job training) for 3-1/2 mos. What we DON"T know is where he'll be after that, but it will depend on how well he does in "A" school. I would suggest beating his recruiter up a little and demand more info. As a fellow future military wife, that just seems fishy to me.

mrsthoser · August 2010

Not really. My Fi and I are doing the same thing b/c we can't possibly afford to feed and entertain that many people. I think it would be MORE offensive to invite them to the reception but not the ceremony. That's like saying, "hey come party w/ us and bring a gift but sorry don't come see us get married." BTW the ceremony is usually the least expensive part of the wedding; the reception is where all the costs come into play.

mrsthoser · August 2010

(sorry last post was in response to emilyinchile ...idk why the post didn't work)

Exactly how offensive is this plan...?

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