Adult children on invitation

ESquared423 · April 2011

I swear, these invites and the wording are going to be the death of me.

If there are adult children (18+) living at home, how do we address this?

A)
Mr. and Mrs. John Smith
Joe and June Smith (I feel like this is more for younger children?)
123 This Street

Mr. and Mrs. John Smith
Mr. Joe Smith
Ms. June Smith
123 This Street

C)
Mr. and Mrs. John Smith
Mr. Joe Smith, Ms. June Smith
123 This Street

I also have a family where the engaged couple currently live with the bride-to-be's parents.
So is...
Mr. and Mrs. John Smith
Ms. June Smith, Mr. Bob Jones
123 This Street
...appropriate?

And LASTLY, we are having an AHR. Is it normal/appropriate to include a response card or would "Please RSVP by *date*" and including our e-mail and/or telephone number be sufficient? It is not a formal party, but not a casual backyard barbecue either.

TIA!

ESquared423 · April 2011

Ughhhh, ok, thanks!

MIL keeps saying combine them all for convenience sake, but it's just obnoxious trying to figure out how to address these things.

RoxieBee10 · April 2011

I may get jumped on for this but I think it is accetable to address the invitation to "The Smith Family".

Others may have a different opinion but to us, our wedding is a family affair and its certainly not about stressing over whether or not we're following ettiquette. If they all live together, regardless of how old the children are, they get an ivitation to "The Family" because they are quite obviously, a family.

HobokensFury · April 2011

They get their own invite.

hz80408 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_adult-children-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:961603cb-aaed-4466-ae69-ce5eb66fe43cPost:eeb3ef4b-bda4-4ff1-8818-eaab737464e2">Re: Adult children on invitation</a>:
[QUOTE]I may get jumped on for this but I<strong> think it is accetable to address the invitation to "The Smith Family".</strong> Others may have a different opinion but to us, our wedding is a family affair and its certainly not about stressing over whether or not <strong>we're following ettiquette</strong>. If they all live together, regardless of how old the children are, they get an ivitation to "The Family" because they are quite obviously, a family.
Posted by RoxieBee10[/QUOTE]

Etiquette-wise, no it's not acceptable.

However, if you don't want to follow etiquette, then you could take this approach.

MyNameIsNot · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_adult-children-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:961603cb-aaed-4466-ae69-ce5eb66fe43cPost:eeb3ef4b-bda4-4ff1-8818-eaab737464e2">Re: Adult children on invitation</a>:
[QUOTE]I may get jumped on for this but I think it is accetable to address the invitation to "The Smith Family". Others may have a different opinion but to us, our wedding is a family affair and its certainly not about stressing over whether or not we're following ettiquette. If they all live together, regardless of how old the children are, they get an ivitation to "The Family" because they are quite obviously, a family.
Posted by RoxieBee10[/QUOTE]

<div>In addition to being rude, this is a bad idea for confusion reasons. If you send an invitation to a couple with 2 kids who all live in the same house, no problem. But if you send it to a couple with two grown kids, one who lives at home, one who doesn't, or grown kids that have significant others and even their own kids, you just make a mess, and invite people to bring everyone along. You also end up with every kid bringing along their boyfriend and everyone's step kids and all that mess. And they're justified, becuase that's what you said. You told them to bring family. You can't go back and clarify, because you did invite these people. </div><div>
</div><div>If you sent me and invitation to MNIN & Spouse & family, I would take it to mean that I was invited to bring my parents and my sister, and well as H's parents and his sister. Because those are our family. </div><div>
</div><div>If you want to be rude to your guests and not bother to address them by name, that's your business. I wouldn't be able to be so dismissive of people I actually like, but that's just me. But reconsider because of the mess you invite. </div><div>
</div><div>Etiquette rules don't exist to cramp your style. They actually exist because they make everything easier for everyone involved. </div>

RoxieBee10 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_adult-children-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:961603cb-aaed-4466-ae69-ce5eb66fe43cPost:8721a7b8-0f01-451e-853c-dc87179e859a">Re: Adult children on invitation</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adult children on invitation : In addition to being rude, this is a bad idea for confusion reasons. <strong>If you send an invitation to a couple with 2 kids who all live in the same house, no problem</strong>. But if you send it to a couple with two grown kids, one who lives at home, one who doesn't, or grown kids that have significant others and even their own kids, you just make a mess, and invite people to bring everyone along. You also end up with every kid bringing along their boyfriend and everyone's step kids and all that mess. And they're justified, becuase that's what you said. You told them to bring family. You can't go back and clarify, because you did invite these people. If you sent me and invitation to MNIN & Spouse & family, I would take it to mean that I was invited to bring my parents and my sister, and well as H's parents and his sister. Because those are our family. If you want to be rude to your guests and not bother to address them by name, that's your business. I wouldn't be able to be so dismissive of people I actually like, but that's just me. But reconsider because of the mess you invite. Etiquette rules don't exist to cramp your style. They actually exist because they make everything easier for everyone involved.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

My suggestion of addressing it to "The Smith Family" is justified because the original post asked what to do in this specific situation. Unless there are 15 other kinds in the house that she does not want to invite, "Family" works.

The whole bit about being rude is absurd to me. Assume you live with your parents and a family friend was getting married. When the invitation comes in the mail and it is address to "The MyNameIsNot Family" and doesn't say your first name, would you seriously be upset? Would you be irritated by the fact that the bride and groom referred to you as a family?

Obviously, you have to know your audience. If you think that addressing the invitation to "The Smith Family" means that they're going to bring along their third cousins, then don't do it. Likewise, if you want to specifically exclude a child or crazy Uncle Harry, then be specific about it.

steffenfam · April 2011

If adult children are living at the home of the parents, I don't see any reason why you couldn't address them all on the same envelope. I would go for "B". (But I wouldn't say "The Smith Family"... a little too ambiguous.)

If a "couple" is living with parents, I would send them their own invitation.

Some of these etiquette rules are unnecessary or unimportant. I don't think this one is such a big deal. I received a wedding invitation from my nephew. I didn't notice when I first opened it, but later saw it was a printed address label. Was I horrified? Not at all. It looked nice and it saved them a lot of time, especially when everyone is so busy. You're going to throw the envelope away anyway!

banana468 · April 2011

These rules exist for a reason. YOU may not like them but by not following them, you run the risk of being viewed as rude (because it IS rude to include an adult on the same invitation as his parents). Beyond that, you aren't being clear and you open the door for serious confusion amongst the family. Is the long term GF invited? It's lazy and rude. If you insist on sending an invitation to the household, at least name everyone you're inviting on the invitation. But to say that your wedding is a family event and thus only the parents get the invitation is not appropriate. It's also silly thinking. Treat adults as adults.

RoxieBee10 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_adult-children-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:961603cb-aaed-4466-ae69-ce5eb66fe43cPost:0df272ff-9841-4c13-b19e-0861d3f25ff5">Re: Adult children on invitation</a>:
[QUOTE]These rules exist for a reason. YOU may not like them but by not following them, you run the risk of being viewed as rude (because it IS rude to include an adult on the same invitation as his parents). Beyond that, you aren't being clear and you open the door for serious confusion amongst the family. Is the long term GF invited? It's lazy and rude. If you insist on sending an invitation to the household, at least name everyone you're inviting on the invitation. <strong>But to say that your wedding is a family event and thus only the parents get the invitation is not appropriate</strong>. It's also silly thinking. Treat adults as adults.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]
I didn't suggest that it be addressed to only the parents. I specifically said "The Family". I'm treating famillies as families.

banana468 · April 2011

And you're not treating them as the individuals that they are. THAT is the issue. People have names and they need to be used. Again, you don't have to like the rules but you can't claim you're doing the correct thing when you don't follow them.

banana468 · April 2011

Also, if you address it to "The Smith Family" and ignore that your guests are individual people, they're more than welcome to respond that "the Smith Family" will be attending. Exactly how do you plan meals and seating?

RoxieBee10 · April 2011

Okay I rescind everything I said. You should absolutely send 4 different invitations to the same address.
1) Mr. John Smith
2) Mrs. John Smith (we wouldn't want her to lose her identity now, would we?)
3) Mr. Joe Smith
4) Ms. June Smith

Everyone satisfied now? We followed all of the rules.

Honestly, I'm not trying to be a jerk but sometimes the "rules" don't have to be followed to the letter.

To the original poster, do what you think is right. If you honestly think that there would be confusion with the "Family" issue then you just shouldn't do it. If you're having a very formal black-tie affair at the plaza, then you just shouldn't do it.

I think we forget (myself included) that although we are all in the process of planning a wedding, they aren't all the same. What works for one person and their situation may not work for another. If I sent three invitations to my uncle's house for he and his wife and to each of my two adult cousins, he would laugh at me and say, "don't you know we're all family?" However, I also understand that in some situations it wouldn't be appropriate.

Use your best judgement for your situation. Remember that the "rules" were created for a reason and certainly be considerate of your guests feelings, but also remember that we're all different.

And to the other posters, please don't call me rude or lazy. We're talking about ettiquette here -- what would Miss Mannershave to say about that?

banana468 · April 2011

I'm not going to touch how you broke down the way to send invitations in your last post. It's preposterous as invitations are sent to the social unit and then people are named on the invitation. This isn't exactly rocket science.

Miss Manners doesn't call the PERSON rude or lazy. She refers to the BEHAVIOR as rude or lazy.

And doing the inappropriate thing because you think it's silly to do so is being rude. Doing the inappropriate thing because you think it takes to much time to do the right thing is being rude and lazy. You may not be a rude and lazy person but the behavior is.

DH has an aunt and uncle with 12 children. Some were minors at the time we were married and others were living in the home with their spouses and children.

They all had separate lives. Logistically they were all one family but to track down each person would have been a nightmare. And each adult was treated as one. They filled out the invitations and got back to us regarding who was and wasn't attending.

The issue with deciding which etiquette rules to follow and which to ignore means that somehow you're deciding for ALL your guests rules for social decorum. The rules for etiquette exist so you aren't picking and choosing - you understand that people are adults and they should be treated appropriately.

If an uncle said, "We're all one family" then you can respond, "But you all have separate lives and it's important to make sure that you're treated separately".

Sometimes people don't see the big deal but plenty of people do.

MyNameIsNot · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_adult-children-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:961603cb-aaed-4466-ae69-ce5eb66fe43cPost:9088897e-d066-4886-a947-ff955b4bc79c">Re: Adult children on invitation</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adult children on invitation : My suggestion of addressing it to "The Smith Family" is justified because the original post asked what to do in this specific situation. Unless there are 15 other kinds in the house that she does not want to invite, "Family" works. The whole bit about being rude is absurd to me. Assume you live with your parents and a family friend was getting married. When the invitation comes in the mail and it is address to "The MyNameIsNot Family" and doesn't say your first name, would you seriously be upset? Would you be irritated by the fact that the bride and groom referred to you as a family? Obviously, you have to know your audience. If you think that addressing the invitation to "The Smith Family" means that they're going to bring along their third cousins, then don't do it. Likewise, if you want to specifically exclude a child or crazy Uncle Harry, then be specific about it.
Posted by RoxieBee10[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yes, I would be quite put off that you couldn't bother to address me by my name. If we're close enough that you are inviting me to your wedding, you should know my name. </div><div>
</div><div>It is rude. You may not like that fact, but it is. You can ignore it and be rude to your guests if that's how you feel. But to argue that it isn't rude because you don't want it to be is preposterous.

</div>

RoxieBee10 · April 2011

Okay you win. It is clear that I do not care about my guests. My behavior is rude and when my guests receive a special invitation to join my future husband and myself as we begin the incredible journey that is the rest of our lives, they will be supremely offended. I suspect that they will arrive at the wedding I will have been planning for over a year in poor spirits and sulk all the way from the open bar where they will pick up their customized escort card all the way to their individual place setting where they will snack on the truffles I made by hand for their enjoyment.
I hate lazy brides.

Like I said, you win.

banana468 · April 2011

Oh for Pete's sake. We're talking about ONE thing here and not the rest if the stuff that you're doing. The discussion is around the topic of how to address an envelope and the impression that it gives. There's no need to go on a tirade or to attempt to martyr yourself. Address invitations to a social unit. Period.

ESquared423 · May 2011

For the engaged couple living at home with the bride's parents, I will send a separate invite. That definitely makes sense. As for the couple other families..it's usually that they have 2 or 3 kids who technically live at home but are away at college (but will be home for the summer when we send invites out) but then one of them does live at home year-round. I asked my MIL about sending 3 separate invites and she said that they would be really confused as to why they were receiving 3 individual invites when they are a family living in one household..so I guess in a sense, it is about knowing your audience. I don't think I'll be addressing it as "The Smith Family" but, I will write their names out seperately so they are each being addressed and included without being so generic. I just now read in a TK article that the adult children could receive a separate invite from the parents with all their names included..so maybe I'll go that route.

Etiquette certainly exists for a reason and that's why I asked the question in the first place. These days there's so many unique living situations, I just wasn't sure how to go about it. But thank you for all the input!

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