Mothers' Flowers?

FutureMrsTR · March 2010

I know this has been discussed before, but my situation is differeeeeeent. Not really, but I'd like your opinions anyway. FI wants to give his mother something, corsage, single rose on her chair, whatever. I'm not so hot on corsages because I feel like they're hard to pin on and would get crushed during hugging anyway. At any rate, if we give our mothers flowers in some way, my concern is whether or not I would have to give my stepmother something.

She's been married to my father for 16 years, however, he started dating her while my parents were technically still married (though separated for 7 years, he still stayed at our house sometimes) and then she "accidentally" got knocked up which made the divorce finally neccessary.

So there are NOT good feelings about her from my mom or my FI because he loves my mom so much. FI really doesn't want to give my stepmom anything, but I feel like we might have to if we give our mothers something.

BecW2be · March 2010

I think something for the moms and not the stepmom would be fine. It's to honor your mothers, and she didn't birth you, so don't feel obligated.

AlexiaANDRobert · March 2010

I'm with Bec on this one.

BecW2be · March 2010

If she'd been involved with your upbringing and you considered her closer than you do, then I'd say give her something. But in your situation I wouldn't feel obligated at all.

ashmy211 · March 2010

We are giving our mothers and step mothers small "throw away" type bouquets that they are able to carry during the ceremony but then don't have to worry about getting ruined at the reception (crushed from hugging, etc. like you mentioned). I know there would have been drama otherwise so it's easier this way, plus my dad and step mom are contributing a lot financially so I thought it was a nice thing to do. Do you think your dad or step mom would make a big deal if you did not give her something? If you don't think it will cause more drama, I would just go with what the PP's said.

danieliza1127 · March 2010

I'm with Bec for your situation.

Lou2127 · March 2010

I would just suck it us and get her the same ones that the mothers are getting. That way no feelings are hurt, including your dad's.

FutureMrsTR · March 2010

ashmy - it's possible that my dad and/or grandmother on that side might have some comments, but that's just how they are. They don't see things the way other people do. My dad doesn't think he ever did anything wrong. My dad isn't contributing financially or anything either.

I still haven't told them that my mom's walking me down the aisle, but I'm working up the nerve.

ashmy211 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mothers-flowers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7adaed40-77d4-4281-9df4-1304db4937bePost:87c4d964-d79a-484d-84ca-41a334802725">Re: Mothers' Flowers?</a>:
[QUOTE]ashmy - it's possible that my dad and/or grandmother on that side might have some comments, but that's just how they are. They don't see things the way other people do. My dad doesn't think he ever did anything wrong. My dad isn't contributing financially or anything either. I still haven't told them that my mom's walking me down the aisle, but I'm working up the nerve.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

Yeah then I agree with PP's. My step mom (although she isn't my favorite person in the world) did help with my upbringing and is helping financially. For both of these reasons, I am giving her flowers. But in your situation, I'd say skip it.

BecW2be · March 2010

I wouldn't give ashit about hurt feelings. She wasn't considering hurt feelings when she got herself knocked up however many years ago. Price you pay.

FutureMrsTR · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mothers-flowers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7adaed40-77d4-4281-9df4-1304db4937bePost:698185a8-9e79-4c36-b2c5-28f27fdf0d6f">Re: Mothers' Flowers?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't give ashit about hurt feelings. She wasn't considering hurt feelings when she got herself knocked up however many years ago. Price you pay.
Posted by BecW2be[/QUOTE]

haha true story :) My mom has already said she would be MORE than happy to address any concerns that my dad or grandmother may have about their side of the family feeling "slighted" or anything. I hope for their sake they don't even bring it up!

Thanks ladies!

ohwhynot · March 2010

This is a difficult one. In almost every case, I'd advise to give the flower and not let the wedding be a chance to settle a score. But in this case, having read the history, unless your dad is getting a flower, I think it's okay. No guilt!

BecW2be · March 2010

I just think if you give her flowers to honor her the same way you want to honor your mother, then your mother's honor is devalued. Honor is not necessarily fair. It's awarded to someone who has helped you and encouraged you and inspired you in your life. You don't just toss in some stepmom flowers for courtesy, especially if she did nothing to deserve it.

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