Mom strikes again.

GroomNeedsAdvice · May 2012

It's probably weird that I keep posting here, but I like the atmosphere and I think you all give good advice. I'm going to keep pushing my luck.

If anyone remembers my post from a while ago, you all may remember that the last issue I had with my mother about the wedding was over a bridesmaid who went into premature labor. The bridesmaid dropped out of the wedding to be with her newborn, naturally, and my mother was pissed about the uneven sides.

Unfortunately, due to complications resulting from surgery, the baby is no longer with us. BM asked FI if she minded if she rejoined the wedding party (anything to try to keep her mind off of what is happening), and obviously FI said yes.

My mother offered to take care of ordering our programs for us (we paid), because she has some connection with that company. FI and I chose everything about them without my mother, gave her the wording, etc., and they were going to look great. Today, we received them only to discover that my mother had added a whole memorial section for our friend's baby. FI immediately bursts into tears, and I called to ask WTF my mother was thinking.

She thought it would be nice. I feel like it's very inappropriate and way too fresh.

I don't know if I'm posting just to vent or ask for advice, honestly. I don't know what can really be done, at this point, other than hope they can make some changes to the program before the wedding. I really don't want our wedding ceremony to remind everyone of something so devastating.

I edited and rewrote parts of this probably 6 times to make it as sensitive as possible. Anything interpreted as insensitivity is not intended.

crash2729 · May 2012

Wow.

Is there anyway to just reprint them without the memorial section or to cover/remove it?

[Deleted User] · May 2012

If you can't reprint them, I would forgo the programs entirely. Not worth it.

ETA: I didn't mean to sound harsh, which re-reading it did. I meant it's just not worth upsetting someone so close to you when she's clearly trying to keep her mind off of things. I'm so sorry this happened.

RowenaD · May 2012

Your mom's heart is in the right place. But it is way too fresh, I mean if it was me I would be shocked and it would almost be like reliving the death of a child. Just take your mom aside and tell her.

VeggieLove1022 · May 2012

First, I'm so sorry for what's happened to you guys and the BM.

Second, I would absolutely not use those programs. It is way too fresh of a wound and people will be apologetic to the BM when she's trying to have a night away from reality.

If the programs cannot be remade then I would just forget about them all together. We didn't have programs and many weddings I go to don't either.

And again, so sorry this whole thing happened.

emilye1227 · May 2012

While maybe a nice thought....like you said, it's too fresh, IMO. The BM, according to your post, is trying to keep her mind busy. If I were her, the last thing I would want is to be slammed with that at the wedding. I guess you could have FI run it by BM, but I agree with PP, cover it up or reprint them.

ThankfulSnail · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-strikes-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4325071f-f118-44f3-a111-9ef091595de4Post:0a1a4ba9-42c1-4b1c-b033-9d7419b9199f">Re: Mom strikes again.</a>:
[QUOTE]First, I'm so sorry for what's happened to you guys and the BM. Second, <strong>I would absolutely not use those programs. It is way too fresh of a wound and people will be apologetic to the BM when she's trying to have a night away from reality. If the programs cannot be remade then I would just forget about them all together.</strong> We didn't have programs and many weddings I go to don't either. And again, so sorry this whole thing happened.
Posted by VeggieLove1022[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with this. The BM is looking for a way to get away from her loss, and this is not going to do it. If it's too late/not in the budget to get them reprinted, you can forego them. I only look at them while I'm waiting for the wedding to start; I don't think I would miss them if I went to a wedding without them. Good luck.</div>

StephBeanWed61502 · May 2012

Agree with everyone else, don't use the programs. Your mom will get over it. (Or not, but at least you're not counting on her for hte venue anymore, right?)

Honestly, unless you're having a really, really complicated or non-traditional ceremony, I don't think any programs at all are necessary if you don't have the budget to re-print them. I've found that like 99% of the programs wind up in the trash or on the floor of the ceremony location before the ceremony's even over.

brilibby4 · May 2012

I can understand that your mother was trying to be nice, but I agree with PPs. If you cannot have them remade, I would skip the programs completely at this point. They aren't required and I definitely think no programs would be better than the programs you have right now.

brilibby4 · May 2012

Oh and for the record, I don't think its weird that you are posting here.

whitsy · May 2012

No, those would definitely not be used or be reprinted. I cannot imagine everyone reading that in the church, because to me, a loss like that is not something a hundred strangers need to read about and possibly comment to the BM.

Megbo2012 · May 2012

Wow, I am so sorry for you and your friends. I would DIY some new programs without the memorial, or ditch them completely. If you need to, a white lie to mum "My BM saw the programs and cried, we don't want that to happen at the wedding...." kind of thing wouldn't hurt I would think.

MyUserName1 · May 2012

FWIW, not at all weird for you to post here. You're my favorite newb.

Your mom is way off base here. Those programs can't be used. If you can't reprint, I agree with PPs, just skip them. We're not doing programs. Pretty sure everyone knows who FI and I are and they'll figure the rest out before the end of the night.

ILoveToRobot · May 2012

If you can't or don't want to reprint the programs you could try covering it. I'm not sure what your theme is but maybe a nice scrapbooking flower or something.

mica178 · May 2012

Poor Groom. Your mom is nuts.

StephBeanWed61502 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-strikes-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4325071f-f118-44f3-a111-9ef091595de4Post:88ce83ea-d612-4809-9d47-96a59c3ccdd9">Re: Mom strikes again.</a>:
[QUOTE]If you can't or don't want to reprint the programs you could try covering it. I'm not sure what your theme is but maybe a nice scrapbooking flower or something.
Posted by ILoveToRobot[/QUOTE]

<div>I wouldn't do this. For me personally, if I got a program with a big-ass flower stuck to it, you can bet the first thing I'd be doing would be peeling that darned thing off to see what the bride and groom were covering up (because I'd assume - wrongly, in this case - that what was being covered was a typo of hilarious proportions). A few of me in the audience, and pretty soon everyone would know anyway, which would kind of defeat the purpose of covering the information up.</div>

polichik · May 2012

Whoa. I'm sure your mom is a lovely person, but what she did is really not ok. Everyone has covered what could be done, and I'm going to ditto reprinting the programs or skipping them. And you should definitely stick around!

MyUserName1 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-strikes-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4325071f-f118-44f3-a111-9ef091595de4Post:c225371b-425e-4308-b6b8-688ecb623fd9">Re: Mom strikes again.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mom strikes again. : I wouldn't do this. For me personally, if I got a program with a big-ass flower stuck to it, you can bet the first thing I'd be doing would be peeling that darned thing off to see what the bride and groom were covering up (because I'd assume - wrongly, in this case - that what was being covered was a typo of hilarious proportions). A few of me in the audience, and pretty soon everyone would know anyway, which would kind of defeat the purpose of covering the information up.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

<div>SO much this. I would do the exact same thing and then feel SUUUUUUUPER awkward.</div>

pokepoke27 · May 2012

I don't think it's strange you post here. This is a great community and men are more than welcome to join. I hope you stick around!

Also, I agree with PPs. Scrap the programs if you can't have them reprinted. I'm so sorry for what your friend is going through - the loss of a child is a terrible terrible thing.

Megbo2012 · May 2012

I also like having you around here.

I would spill red wine all over those programs or drop them in mud. Like right meow.

ILoveToRobot · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-strikes-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4325071f-f118-44f3-a111-9ef091595de4Post:c225371b-425e-4308-b6b8-688ecb623fd9">Re: Mom strikes again.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mom strikes again. : I wouldn't do this. For me personally, if I got a program with a big-ass flower stuck to it, you can bet the first thing I'd be doing would be peeling that darned thing off to see what the bride and groom were covering up (because I'd assume - wrongly, in this case - that what was being covered was a typo of hilarious proportions). A few of me in the audience, and pretty soon everyone would know anyway, which would kind of defeat the purpose of covering the information up.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

That is a really good point. I didn't think of that. I was just thinking of how my programs would be and how it wouldn't look out of place. I guess most people do "simple" programs that don't have a lot of decoration. I guess I could see that happening. Ignore my advice OP.

SVPW · May 2012

Sounds like your moms heart was in the right place but she should have asked you and fi before doing that. I would be pissed, and hurt for the bm. What a horrible tragedy for your friend. My mother lost a baby when she was 8 months pregnant. My sister would have been 30 last week. Bm will always carry her baby with her in her memory but your wedding is not the time to put her loss front and center for everyone. Scrap the programs, hopefully there is still time for new ones to be made and your mother should reimburse you.

m tulli · May 2012

What everyone said. I can relate to your friend and I would have been upset to have it almost announced like that. It's hard enough to socialize during the grieving. I would not want a bunch of strangers knowing what I was going through and giving me the look of pitty all night. Mom meant well but I wouldn't use them.

Nancy00714 · May 2012

Obviously you can't use them, but is it in a place (like in the back towards the end of the program) where you could cover it? Make a color photocopy of you and Fi and glue it on top nicely?

As someone already suggested something silmiliar, you could use white out first and then firmly glue the picture over it. Just an idea.

Legu · May 2012

I'm sorry... I saw the title of the post, and who'd posted it, and I did have a little chuckle [before reading the actual post], in a "oh this poor guy, how much drama should one couple have to put up with?" kinda way. I really do feel for you two, and I hope things calm down eventually. As far as the programs go... I'd explain to mum that whilst you think it's lovely of her to think of BM, and want to do something for her, one of the reasons for her rejoining the WP is so that she can have something to focus on, and seeing a memorial to very recently lost child is not going to help her take her mind off it. Ask if there's any way to get them reprinted... If there's not, just don't use them. Personally, I wouldn't try to cover it up, to me that seems like trying to cover up babys' death [which of course, is not true at all, but that's how I'd feel about it if I was in that position]. The other way around it... Has anyone asked BM how she would feel about it? I know you said FI got upset when she saw it [perfectly understandable], but maybe once BM got over the shock of seeing it there, she might be okay with it? I doubt it, really, but, maybe FI could talk to BM and let her know. That way, some time down the line, BM would know that her and baby were thought of, yet her wishes were respected and the memorial wasn't used. I don't know, I'm rambling now. Best of luck, and I hope mum eventually realises this is your wedding, not her party.

kmmssg · May 2012

I remember your original post very well and was sorry to see you had to post about your mom again.

Get out the red wine and find some mud quick as Legu suggested. Make sure you have all of them and that Mom didn't hold any back.

One of my biggest fears here would be some guest who has lost a child coming up to offer condolences to your dear friend because they know how it feels. Either don't have programs or have new ones done. You can get them done at Kinkos/Fed Express pretty quickly.

NuggetBrain · May 2012

Your mom is nuts. What a horribly intrusive thing to do. Definately son't use them.

erbear84 · May 2012

I just had to say that I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of the baby. I lost my niece three years ago this June...she was 16 days old when she died. I miss her every single day. These emotions are still raw 3 years later - I couldn't imagine springing this on a PARENT who just lost a child at a wedding. How insensitive of your mom.

GroomNeedsAdvice · May 2012

We are definitely not using those programs. We got rid of most of them, so they couldn't be "accidentally" passed out. We did save a few, though, because it was a nice thought, and we think BM would probably like to have it, just not at our wedding.

I absolutely agree that covering it would end badly, and if/when people did discover what we covered, it might leave a bad taste. We can't have them reprinted without paying for the whole batch again, because it was "our error," so we're just scrapping that altogether. I don't think anyone will find themselves so horribly lost in the ceremony that anyone would mind.

Now I know how those kids in The Cat in the Hat felt when Cat used their mom's favorite dress to clean the stain off the tub.

GroomNeedsAdvice · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-strikes-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4325071f-f118-44f3-a111-9ef091595de4Post:e4f096e9-a68b-41e5-aea0-1cfdacfaabfa">Re: Mom strikes again.</a>:
[QUOTE]I just had to say that I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of the baby. I lost my niece three years ago this June...she was 16 days old when she died. I miss her every single day. These emotions are still raw 3 years later - I couldn't imagine springing this on a PARENT who just lost a child at a wedding. How insensitive of your mom.
Posted by erbear84[/QUOTE]

<div>That's terrible, I'm so sorry for your loss. Any death is sad, but the death of a child is truly devastating.</div>

myname1234 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-strikes-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4325071f-f118-44f3-a111-9ef091595de4Post:dd18f11e-5b41-494d-a9f9-17acd3d13d41">Re: Mom strikes again.</a>:
[QUOTE]FWIW, not at all weird for you to post here. You're my favorite newb. Your mom is way off base here. Those programs can't be used. If you can't reprint, I agree with PPs, just skip them. We're not doing programs. Pretty sure everyone knows who FI and I are and they'll figure the rest out before the end of the night.
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

Everything MUN1 said.

Hope your mom settles down after the wedding. She's being ridiculous.

I have the plan of programs, but not sure if they'lll get done in time. If not, it's not the end of the world. I definately thing these are "nice to have" (mainly for people to put names to faces) but not a "need to have"

Mom strikes again.

Re: Mom strikes again.

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