It's gonna be a long year....

C_Grimmer_1906 · May 2010

I love my mother. A lot. However, I'm beginning to feel the need to exlude her from the wedding planning.

She wants to be involved in everything, and I understand this, because I'm the first in my family to get married, HOWEVER. I am so freakin' sick of her veto-ing every idea that we have. She dis-liked 40 (yea... 40), wedding dresses that I tried on. 3 that I loved because they 'just weren't her style'.

My wedding venu... 'too cheap'

My flowers... 'too tacky'

My ring...'not big enough'

And then there are the: 'you're really spending too much money.' : the big sigh : 'are you sure you really want that' : and my personal favorite 'thats nice honey..but..."

Oh and the fact that she wants to add 100 'family members' to the guest list.

She isn't funding the wedding, my FI are paying for the whole thing ourselves, but she really wants to be a part of everything. My MOH and I went shopping for DIY favors once, and she didn't talk to me for a week because I didn't invite her. It's going to be SUCH a long year!!

jedaniel · May 2010

That is almost exactly how my wedding planning started with my mom. Everything i picked out or did was not good enough, was to cheap and so on. So I started to go to appointments without her and she got her feelings hurt. So then I told her, I said Mom the reason i dont invite you to stuff anymore is because everything i like you dislike or insult it in some way. And i told her how it hurt my feelings and she was maiking me feel really bad about everything i did. So NOW she is more positve and even if she is just saying she likes something just for me I dont care I'd rather her lie than give me negative feed back.

spinner84 · May 2010

It's your dress... just buy one you love (but make sure it looks awesome - bring your most brutally honest and stylist friend!) then invite her to come see you in it.

Seriously, that sounds incredibly frustrating and I feel for you.

colsta · May 2010

Very frustrating. Especially because she tells you it looks cheap/small/tacky but you are the one paying. That would piss me off even more.

MeaghanandMichael · May 2010

I would ask her how in the world you are being too cheap but also spending too much money... tell her to talk to you again when she can draw logical conclusions.

526SadieSadie · May 2010

I'll respond to this as nicely as I can.
I understand you're frustrated, BUT:
My aunt died five years ago. Now my three cousins have to plan their weddings and every other major life event without their mom. I'm sure they would really love it if she was around to annoy them with her comments.

Besides that, if you're paying for the wedding, you get to do things the way you want to. If you respect your mom's opinions on other things, try taking a step back when she tells you something is cheap looking or tacky and see if maybe she's right and you're too stuck on the idea to notice. Otherwise, just tell your mom that her input is appreciated, but only if she can be more constructive.

Kiepkake · May 2010

Maybe you can ask her to set up a budget that she deems 'fit" and look it over to see what kind of crazy she is talking. It might help for later when she is telling you that something is too cheap or too epensive.

merivale87 · May 2010

Wow, I think we might secretly have the same mother!

My parents bought my gown, which is great because we all loved the very first one I tried on and it was SUPER cheap ($400). But, thats all they are paying for.

In the meantime, my mother insists we have the most expensive wine on the tables (not 1 bottle but 2), invite every relative she has ever met (even the 50 i haven't), or the biggest bouquet in the world (i hate flowers..) but then we have dinner together and she turns around and start lecturing me about my money! How we spend too much on wedding stuff, how will we pay for this and that, it is just ONE day, should I be spending so much?

So I feel you. I really do. But our moms love us...and they just want to be involved. In the end I usually just decide on what I want and go with that, and she pouts, but when I point out that she could always pay for that ice sculpture, or $800 church, or giant bouquet, she shuts up :-)

merivale87 · May 2010

P.S. My mom once looked at my sister's engagement ring (she and her hubby make a combined income of about 250 grand a year) and then looked at mine and said "Oh, hang on, let me get my glasses so I can see the diamond." which really hurt my feelings, since when she and my dad got married he couldn't even afford to buy her any ring, so I thought she of all people would understand a more modest diamond.

JennaV26 · May 2010

Oh man girl, that sucks and on some levels I completely sympathize. My mom hijacked my STDs because she thinks my sister didn't involve her enough in her wedding planning. Then I got a call from the florist yesterday who told me that my mom had called her and changed a bunch of things. Luckily I don't care that much about flowers, she's paying AND she has phenomenal taste so I was like "Mmmk whatever."

BUT if she tried to tell me that things I was choosing were tacky and she wasn't paying for anything, I'd flip out. You need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with her. Tell her that she's upsetting you and that it means the world to you to have her involved in wedding planning but that she needs to be respectful of your choices and your budget.

jwang517 · May 2010

if you and your FI are paying everything out of your own pocket, your mom really shouldn't have that much to say. THOUGH, yes, she's your mom and it's always nice to have a mom around for opinions. my mom lives across from the world from me, i can only show her pix and tell her ideas. she's paying EVERYTHING except for photography/vidograpy which is contributed by FI's parents, and all she said was "she prefers white flowers, and clean looks." which we really appreciated because we already have very opinionated BM (FI's sister) and FMIL. what you can do is to let your mom talk, and if you don't like it, ignore it. that's what FI told me to do if his mom and sister won't stop insisting on their ideas, and ignoring what we want. i know it's hard, but you still have a year to learn to ignore what you disagree. good luck!

tdso008 · May 2010

You're in a tough situation... try to limit what you're giving her the opportunity to give input on - ask her about specific things that you can deal with but keep the rest out of the discussion.

Enjoy having your mom to celebrate with - many of us are doing this without them and it's hard...

LisaG101010 · May 2010

It does suck...but, I wish my Mom was here to help me...she has been gone for 6 1/2 years now, and every time I plan something...she is in my thoughts...wishing she was here to help me with one of the most important day in my life.

As hard as it is to put up with what she says/does...be thankful that you still have her to put in her two cents...even if you don't agree or she is being a PITA...at the end of the day, you will be married to the man of your dreams...with your mom by your side

nechi194 · May 2010

Yup, It's gonna be long. The last 6 months are the worst.

BUT, with that said, be thankful you have your mother around and don't completely destroy her joy in the process. Decide what it is you would like her to do (my mom has been responsible for picking up dresses from the shop, she even braved the Old Navy Sale this morning for me) and make sure she feels included.

My cousin was married in November of 2008, and people are STILL bitter about feeling excluded. Has that applied more pressure to me? Absolutely (and I understand now why she did what she did).

C_Grimmer_1906 · May 2010

Thanks for all the great advice! I did have a sit down with her (after she about had a mental melt-down at the bridal store when I told her that I didn't care what neckline my bridesmaids had as long as their dresses were the same color and floor length... again... tacky) and I think she understands a little bit more of where I'm coming from. We agreed that from now on she will let me explain my reasoning, and I will do my best to respect what she wants as well, but I made it clear that I am drawing the line on some things... like inviting Aunt Whatsherface (and her 15 family memebers) from East Nowhere that changed my diaper once when I was 6 months old. And I told her to straight up back off when it comes to my ring. I love it, it's not about carats, it's about me and my FI

I do love my mother very much, I don't want anybody to think that I don't... She's just very frustrating sometimes

It's gonna be a long year....

Re: It's gonna be a long year....

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