Courthouse nuptials but want the big white wedding later.....

tashpav · December 2012

So my fianc and I have been together over 8 years and have a 1yr old together and due to finances and honestly tax reasons we want to just get married quick no big deal and then have a big church wedding in a couple years!!! I know we will already be married but as a catholic I have always dreamed of being married in the church but I think we can just have a marriage blessing.... Has anyone done this???!!!! I am feeling guilty because I have always dreamed of walking down the isle in the white gown and saying I do!! I just need some advice! Thank you

mandi195 · December 2012

You only get one wedding.. either what you call "no big deal" (which, really, that's offensive to the many couples who have chosen to have a Justice of the Peace or "Courthouse" wedding), or you get the church wedding... not both. Also, if you're not a practicing Catholic, why do you want to get married in the church? (That, also, is offensive to some who are practicing their faith, as it is very important to them, and not just "it's my dream to have a pretty church wedding")

You do have the option of having your marriage blessed by the church if you choose to get married at the courthouse, but it is a process, and one that isn't guaranteed to you. Also, if you do get married at the courthouse and follow that with a church blessing, there is no big white dress, wedding party, cake, reception, or any of the other "pretty" stuff you're likely thinking of doing.

Short version: No, what you're thinking of doing is not ok, as you only get one wedding. Figure out which style of wedding is what you and your FI want, and do that; it's really that simple.

bunni727 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-theme-boards_offbeat-weddings_courthouse-nuptials-but-want-the-big-white-wedding-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Theme%20BoardsForum:43453af6-2ee4-412a-99fb-cbb447240911Discussion:0296e8ee-6671-4cf2-a211-58b328812f73Post:1830114a-02a2-4ddf-b54f-32af4cb27b0d">Courthouse nuptials but want the big white wedding later.....</a>:
[QUOTE]So my fianc and I have been together over 8 years and have a 1yr old together and due to finances and honestly tax reasons we want to just get married quick no big deal and then have a big church wedding in a couple years!!! I know we will already be married but as a catholic I have always dreamed of being married in the church but I think we can just have a marriage blessing.... Has anyone done this???!!!! I<strong> am feeling guilty because I have always dreamed of walking down the isle in the white gown and saying I do!! </strong>I just need some advice! Thank you
Posted by tashpav[/QUOTE]

PP has good points.

If you have always dreamed of walking down a church aisle to say "i do," you should wait to get married untill you can afford that. If you get married now and have a fake ceremony later, wouldn't you regret knowing that it is all pretend? You can dress up in a white dress and walk down aisles all day, but you still can't be a bride after you are already a wife.

KatWAG · December 2012

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-theme-boards_offbeat-weddings_courthouse-nuptials-but-want-the-big-white-wedding-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Theme BoardsForum:43453af6-2ee4-412a-99fb-cbb447240911Discussion:0296e8ee-6671-4cf2-a211-58b328812f73Post:1830114a-02a2-4ddf-b54f-32af4cb27b0d">Courthouse nuptials but want the big white wedding later.....</a>:
[QUOTE]So my fianc and I have been together over 8 years and have a 1yr old together and due to finances and honestly tax reasons we want to just get married quick no big deal and then have a big church wedding in a couple years!!! <strong>I know we will already be married but as a catholic I have always dreamed of being married in the church but I think we can just have a marriage blessing.</strong>... Has anyone done this???!!!! I am feeling guilty because I have always dreamed of walking down the isle in the white gown and saying I do!! I just need some advice! Thank you
Posted by tashpav[/QUOTE]

It is very unlikely that a Catholic church will just "bless" your wedding, just because you want it. Do you know anything about the Catholic religion? If it really is important to you to get married in a church I would suggest speaking with a Priest before you move forward with your JOP.

On a different note, If you always dreamed of having a pretty princess day, then have one. Wait a couple years to get married and save up until you can afford to have you ONE DAY you have dreamed of because you only get one. After your one day, you are a WIFE, not a bride.</div>

kmmssg · December 2012

I know a Catholic who had the whole big white wedding shebang with the Priest's ok after a courthouse wedding due to deployment. I know another Catholic who had an outside wedding, thinking they could get the marriage blessed later and the Priest is having nothing to do with it. They chose to marry outside the church for esthetic reasons and he is livid.

Have the Catholic wedding you can afford and be done. I am not Catholic but as I understand it, the Church would see you as living in sin after a courthouse wedding because you were not married in the Church and did not receive the marriage sacrament. Is your Catholic faith most important, or is walking down the aisle in a white dress important. You can't just waltz into the church and tell the Priest to bless your marriage.

Dreamergirl8812 · December 2012

You're lucky you didn't post this on the etiquette board. Nonetheless, I have a feeling you are about to get reamed...

jennylee813 · December 2012

Agree with PPs. You get one wedding - have the one you want, whether it's in a courthouse OR a church, not both.

Honestly, you can get married in the church and have a private ceremony with just you, your FI and witnesses and go out to dinner afterwards. Not expensive, and you still get your church wedding.

Your post offends me as someone who is choosing a civil ceremony. Will I be less married because I'm not getting married in the church? I can also see it as offensive to a practicing Catholic because you will be living outside of the church rules by being married by a JOP, then later on you want to have a PPD because you've dreamed of walking down an aisle???

(courthouses have aisles, parks can have aisles ... wherever you choose to be married you can CREATE an aisle.)

Have a small, civil one now OR a church wedding in a few years, not both.

kd.joseph · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-theme-boards_offbeat-weddings_courthouse-nuptials-but-want-the-big-white-wedding-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Theme BoardsForum:43453af6-2ee4-412a-99fb-cbb447240911Discussion:0296e8ee-6671-4cf2-a211-58b328812f73Post:e33a0fa7-dcff-4c8a-b168-c4ce7f2313cf">Re: Courthouse nuptials but want the big white wedding later.....</a>:
[QUOTE]Agree with PPs. You get one wedding - have the one you want, whether it's in a courthouse OR a church, not both. Honestly, you can get married in the church and have a private ceremony with just you, your FI and witnesses and go out to dinner afterwards. Not expensive, and you still get your church wedding. Your post offends me as someone who is choosing a civil ceremony. Will I be less married because I'm not getting married in the church?<strong> I can also see it as offensive to a practicing Catholic because you will be living outside of the church rules by being married by a JOP, then later on you want to have a PPD because you've dreamed of walking down an aisle???</strong> (courthouses have aisles, parks can have aisles ... wherever you choose to be married you can CREATE an aisle.) Have a small, civil one now OR a church wedding in a few years, not both.
Posted by jennylee813[/QUOTE]

Can I just ask as a non Catholic, isnt she already living against the rules, by living with someone and having a child out of wedlock? I find it offensive that you live against your Catholic rules, until it suits your needs.

I know my BIL refuses to marry people who have been married before.

Myself, marrying for "tax" reasons is a ridiculous idea. You actually do not save as much in taxes by being married. Save your tax refund and have the wedding you want later.

jennylee813 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-theme-boards_offbeat-weddings_courthouse-nuptials-but-want-the-big-white-wedding-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Theme%20BoardsForum:43453af6-2ee4-412a-99fb-cbb447240911Discussion:0296e8ee-6671-4cf2-a211-58b328812f73Post:d5a75ea1-83c2-4adc-8e28-dbdb5c10c092">Re: Courthouse nuptials but want the big white wedding later.....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Courthouse nuptials but want the big white wedding later..... : Can I just ask as a non Catholic, <strong>isnt she already living against the rules, by living with someone and having a child out of wedlock? </strong>I find it offensive that you live against your Catholic rules, until it suits your needs. I know my BIL refuses to marry people who have been married before. Myself, marrying for "tax" reasons is a ridiculous idea. You actually do not save as much in taxes by being married. Save your tax refund and have the wedding you want later.
Posted by kd.joseph[/QUOTE]

Yup, she is. Premarital sex is a no no. Living together in sin and having a child out of wedlock are not looked kindly upon by the church, although they do turn a blind eye in a lot of cases.

As someone who was raised Catholic but is planning a civil ceremony, I find this idea of a quickie ceremony followed by a 'real' wedding later offensive. But I agree, kd, if I was practicing, I'd find it equally offensive as a catholic.

BMcLeodTeam · December 2012

As the previous posters said, you get one day. If you choose for that day to be a JOP wedding then that's it, your day is done and you're a wife. You can't have a wedding if you're already married.

lovelybride614 · December 2012

I find it selfish and offensive that you think you are ENTITLED to 2 days AND a blessing from the church just because you say so. You only get ONE day. Choose ONE wedding option and be done with it. I can't even get LEGALLY married in my state so the fact that you think you are entitled really irritates me. Like PP's said, you're already living in sin and most priests won't bless that. You're excuse for getting married for tax purposes is garbage. It doesn't help at all. And do you want to tell your child that's why you went to the JOP? To get a tax credit? Please grow up and count your blessings.

RailWayWife · December 2012

Sorry you only get 1 wedding day. If you want the big wedding then save for a couple years and wait. If you don't want to wait then get married in the courthouse. BUT you only get 1, choose the one that you want.

Abjurback · December 2012

I can see where you are coming from. Honestly, we have thought of doing the same. No, you cannot have 2 weddings. The court house wedding would be your wedding day, but you can always have a celebration after. As far as it being a Catholic ceremony, it really depends on how strict the specific priest/church is. Are you a practicing Catholic, or did you just grow up Catholic? If you really want just a big church wedding when you can afford it, you can maybe look at some other religions too. I grew up Lutheran, but my uncle, who is a Catholic deacon, is going to marry us (not in a church). And yes, I am also living in sin with my 7-month-old child. Having a child, I can really see why you dont want to wait longer for the legal aspect. You can always do the "church wedding" on the same date in another year or two if you want to have the same anniversary!

nerderella · December 2012

Not trying to be a jerk here, but if you've both been seriously talking wedding for a few years but haven't been able to save the money to throw your 'dream wedding', is it likely that you'll want to do it or justify the expense after you've had your JP wedding?

There's also a simple answer to how to go about doing this so no one gets offended: do your JP wedding without fanfare and consider calling the big formal to-do a vow renewal or affirmation of vows before God. Not a wedding. You can still wear your dress, and I'm not sure about the church's rules, but you may even still be able to walk down the aisle. You might not have the big attendance of guests and/or receive gifts, but you can still kind of recreate your dream day.

But that being said, I honestly don't have a problem with people who decide to get married before their big wedding as long as they're not doing it to milk their guests for gifts.

sxviolante · December 2012

I gotta say, I'm a little disappointed in some of the responses to this question. I thought this was a place where we could ask each other questions and receive encouragement and support, not get put down and judged because our lifestyles are different. I'm sure you are all perfect Catholics who do everything right and are entitled to your judgmental bashing, while criticizing the original poster for thinking she is "entitled" to two weddings. What she suggested is not much different than having a wedding and then renewing vows years later. This isn't the first time I've seen responses like this but I'm hoping it's my last, as I will no longer be looking to this group of ladies for advice.

nelya8503 · December 2012

I see no problem with it. I know of a lot of people who get married first for whatever reason and have a wedding later. I won't judge you

Also, it might not be the best tax situation anyway because one person can claim the child and be head of household (bigger standard deduction) and the other can just be single whereas if you got married, it'll be like two singles added together (I worked in tax accounting for three years). If you were going to itemize instead of take the standard, then it might be to your advantage to get married for tax reasons.

Sharpschruter22 · December 2012

In Response to Re:Courthouse nuptials but want the big white wedding later.....:[QUOTE]I gotta say, I'm a little disappointed in some of the responses to this question. I thought this was a place where we could ask each other questions and receive encouragement and support, not get put down and judged because our lifestyles are different. I'm sure you are all perfect Catholics who do everything right and are entitled to your judgmental bashing, while criticizing the original poster for thinking she is "entitled" to two weddings. What she suggested is not much different than having a wedding and then renewing vows years later.

This isn't the first time I've seen responses like this but I'm hoping it's my last, as I will no longer be looking to this group of ladies for advice. Posted by sxviolante[/QUOTE]

Go away.

MrsHoward2Be · January 2013

It's looked down on the knot but who cares. Do what you wanna do. I'm getting married next month due to my fiancé probably going overseas for a new job, I still want my day in the near future. My family and friends don't have a problem with it.

Courthouse nuptials but want the big white wedding later.....

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