Family Heirlooms & My Style

celliem · October 2010

So my fiancee proposed about 2 months ago. His mom gave him a ring because it's a family heirloom. It was a nice gesture but I don't like the ring at all.

My fiancee knows this and knew I wouldn't like it before he used it but he didn't want to disappoint his family either. So now I said I'll wear the band until the day I'm married where I will wear the wedding band we designed together.

Now his family are getting on his case about me wearing the ring after we marry so naturally he wants me to wear it after now too because he doesn't know how to say anything. But I'm not and never will be a yellow gold person. I find it ugly. (sorry to those of you who don't) Our wedding bands are in platinum and won't look right and the style of the ring won't even fit correctly because the ring comes out at an angle instead of being completely circular.

We need to tell his family that's it is being used for engagement purposes only but in a way that isn't upsetting.

redheadfsu · October 2010

He needs to tell them/return the ring, not you. You need to stay out of it. Honestly, he should have said "no, thanks" in the beginning. You don't need to wear a ring, I would return it as soon as possible. The longer you wear it, the more strange/ awkward it becomes.

abgpal11 · October 2010

1- Why not get a contour band? They're made to fit against rings that aren't shaped in a way that regular ones would fit well with. That's what I'm getting and I know TONS of other people that have those as well.

2-What about getting the stone(s) put into a setting in white gold or platinum? You'd still be wearing the family stone(s) but you could have white gold/platinum like you want. It's a happy medium. If you're not happy with the stone(s) it currently has, maybe you could also add to it or something.

loves2shop4shoes · October 2010

Not to be a snarky biotch, but you should really reconsider if you want to marry a man that has such a hard time saying "no" to his family. You're going to be starting a new family with him and if he can't say "thanks, but no thanks" about something as simple as jewelry, good luck when you have children! I mean, he knew you didn't like the setting, yet gave it to you anyway. Really, why propose with a ring that he knew you wouldn't be happy with? Also, now that his family says you should wear it forever, he expects you to? Give me a break.

This is a red flag IMO.

diamondx423 · October 2010

I also recieved a family heriloom ring that was not at all my style. We remounted the stone into a band that is more "me" and saved the original band. I'll probably set it with my fiance's birthstone and wear it on my right hand. It keeps every part of the heriloom so I don't offend people, but I'm also not stuck looking down at something I dislike every day.

lisaandcorey · October 2010

I agree with all of the other posters - they have given you some good advice and ideas.

He needs to nip this in the bud and put his foot down. If he doesn't, your FMIL is going to picking out your wedding dress.

loves2shop4shoes · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_family-heirlooms-style?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:f48dd2a1-e048-4aae-a045-fdd129b14a13Post:e1868f28-e683-40ab-84f8-fa8be6f70d63">Re: Family Heirlooms & My Style</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Family Heirlooms & My Style : Wow, definitly snarky. I would never be ok with someone telling me I should rethink who Im marrying and you have no place either. How about you stick to helping solve the problem and not trying to end a marriage. I'm sure there are things about your relationship that other people don't understand, but if theyre in love and want to spend the rest of their lives together, then no, she should not reconsider. Some people were raised not to question authority. Some parents instill a fear in their children that causes them not to stand up for themselves. Are they not allowed to fall in love because of this? You're post was purely pathetic rambing. Hows that for Snarky Btch?!
Posted by FutureDondada[/QUOTE]

Awww...head pat. My simple point is that if she doesn't seriously nip this "I can't say no to my family" thing in the bud now, she'll be one of those women on the Family Matters section of The Nest complaining about how awful her ILs are. And you know what they're all going to (rightly) say to her? "You don't have an IL problem, you have an H problem." Forgive me if I was giving her her a heads up.

I was also one of those people raised not to question authority. And you know what I call that? Ignorance. As an adult, your parents are no longer your "authority". I came from a Portuguese Catholic family that basically tried to instill in me "Respect your elders, no matter what." Translation, "Kiss the arse of all of your elders no matter how rude, ignorant, disrespectful, and WRONG they are because they're older than you." Even as a small child, my reply was "I'll respect those who respect me." It's called having a backbone.

Clearly neither the OP nor her FI have backbones in this situation. So I very astutely made the point that if they cannot develop them soon, they're going to have a blast dealing with the ILs when children come along.

celliem · October 2010

First off, he has no problem standing up to his family. This is a delicate issue since the ring has been in the fam for so long. That's why we have been going back and forth on the issue. This was just a question I decided to post here to see if anyone else had experiences like this. I don't feel it was right for people to post their pathetic ramblings on my future marriage. This is not any type of red flag when we have never had these problems again... And FYI, I already have a child and he's more of a father to her than her real dad so I know we're fine.

That being said... We decided to take out the stones and made them into another ring suitable to my style and resized the bands & added my little one's birthstone and will be giving my daughter the ring before our wedding.

We explained to everyone that we had already decided to make our own wedding bands and that I didn't want to wear both. We felt our bands were symbolizing us and our new life together. Then explained what we were going to do with the band and stones and they were perfectly happy with that. They adore my daughter so it was perfect.

Thank you everyone who gave me input. I really appreciate the good comments and suggestions. They helped so much.

- Cellie
7/1/2011 - Carnival Imagination Wedding Cruise

Belle2Be · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_family-heirlooms-style?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:f48dd2a1-e048-4aae-a045-fdd129b14a13Post:e49c9841-e73a-4a76-910b-66ad04047b52">Re: Family Heirlooms & My Style</a>:
[QUOTE]First off, he has no problem standing up to his family. This is a delicate issue since the ring has been in the fam for so long. That's why we have been going back and forth on the issue. This was just a question I decided to post here to see if anyone else had experiences like this. I don't feel it was right for people to post their pathetic ramblings on my future marriage. This is not any type of red flag when we have never had these problems again... And FYI, I already have a child and he's more of a father to her than her real dad so I know we're fine. That being said... We decided to take out the stones and made them into another ring suitable to my style and resized the bands & added my little one's birthstone and will be giving my daughter the ring before our wedding. We explained to everyone that we had already decided to make our own wedding bands and that I didn't want to wear both. We felt our bands were symbolizing us and our new life together. Then explained what we were going to do with the band and stones and they were perfectly happy with that. They adore my daughter so it was perfect. Thank you everyone who gave me input. I really appreciate the good comments and suggestions. They helped so much. :D - Cellie 7/1/2011 - Carnival Imagination Wedding Cruise
Posted by celliem[/QUOTE]

So glad it worked out!!!
And the "you might want to rethink getting married" thing was a little out there, it's a good thing to have a man who is sensitive to his family as well as his wife, not to mention that it can be a little tough changing priorities at first. This coming from someone whose FI needs a little push now and then to say no to his family, and also from someone who adores her future IL's.