Why is it so hard to wait!

kellya01 · October 2010

You know, when we were dating, we knew where we stood as far as intimacy and sex, and that was NONE before marriage. We've been doing SO well.

Now that we're engaged, however... things have become exponentially more difficult. Before the proposal, he was a "possible marriage partner" and I believed him to be my intended, (thinking past tense). Now, I KNOW he's my intended, and I know he's the one God has chosen for me, and me for him, and it's making it SO much harder to be together without seeing temptation square in the face.

We are trying to limit our alone time, but when he goes on business trips for 2, 3, or 4 days and then I finally get to see him again, it is THAT much harder. We're traditional in the sense that we are not living together, not sleeping in the same room when we stay with his family out of state, and we have NOT crossed that very special line we made for ourselves.

Our wedding is in July 2011, so we still have quite a while to go. Do you all have advice to share on how to make it without messing up?

sessionswedding · October 2010

As someone who has crossed the line of the maximum level of "stuff" we wanted to save for the wedding (not like THE stuff, but you know what I mean), it's totally not worth crossing the line. And you feel like crap afterwards. And you'll wish you'd waited. So if you're staring temptation in the face, just know that it's gonna feel terrible later.

heyimbren · October 2010

He may be your intended, and hopefully everything does go to plan. But a good article I read a while ago reminded me of this: until you both say "I do" you are not married. End of story. God doesn't see "almost married" and "married" as the same thing. This is going to sound horrible, so please don't take it the wrong way, but things DO happen to engaged couples that never ended up married. I'M NOT SAYING that you won't get married- but the reminder really is that until you're married you need to remember that you're just that.

It really is just setting clear, defined boundaries for the two of you and keeping to them. Stay strong in your spiritual life as well, and keep in mind that we are to flee from temptation- to turn and run the other way.

Don't let being engaged justify anything for you. That's the hardest part, but I think it's crucial.

KikoLoveAndi · October 2010

I agree it is very hard. We have crossed some boundries I wish we haddent- and one of the things that keeps me remindind myself that its not worth it is the fact i'll probably burst into tears when we are done and hate myself for giving in. I already do hate how much has occured (not a lot by some details but more then i ever thought i would do before i was married).

It is so hard and I know its a struggle for many. I wish i had some good advice but honestly one reason we are getting married this fall and not next is this very reason. We may have more money but it will be very very very hard to stay a pure engaged couple for that long.

newyearnewfamily · October 2010

My best advice to you is the second you feel a temptation, do something different. If you are watching a movie and you both are struggling to not cross the boundaries, get out a board game and play that. The second that you feel the temptation, change the atmosphere around you. Don't let yourself get to the point that you might cross the boundary. You are strong.

JoyMatt424 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_hard-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:3c61f663-46c9-4855-9860-a2b9a4a3dd9aPost:6188dfb7-ba4b-40fd-8d18-4f36326858e5">Re: Why is it so hard to wait!</a>:
[QUOTE]My best advice to you is the second you feel a temptation, do something different. If you are watching a movie and you both are struggling to not cross the boundaries, get out a board game and play that. The second that you feel the temptation, change the atmosphere around you. Don't let yourself get to the point that you might cross the boundary. You are strong.
Posted by newyearnewfamily[/QUOTE]

I was going to say this exact thing. If you find temptation in whatever your doing- stop doing it!!! Board games and card games, activities and non-snuggling things that are still fun are optimal.We are finding it difficult too, just a part of life!

rachelea · October 2010

My best friend was with a guy for a while and swore up and down that she was going to marry him. So when she told me they had sex and said they were going to get married so it was ok, I told her that until you walk down that aisle and you have TWO rings on your finger (though she didn't even have one) you have no idea what could happen. It was a tough love thing, but I told her that she honestly did not know if that day he or she would get hit by a car...God forbid! But honeslty, we just DO NOT know. Her boyfriend ended up breaking up with her...it was a crappy thing, but even when she was so sure...she was wrong. People who are engaged, just speaking truthfully here, do not always make it to the altar. Life happens. Now I pray that all of us here will make it to the altar and BEYOND...that being said, we want to all reach it with a pure life and clean conscience.

So I'm praying for all of us that we can make it

kellya01 · October 2010

Thanks for such encouraging messages about waiting. We are both going to try some of the ideas you all mentioned. I know I'm not the only one struggling with this, so I really appreciate the honest feedback. It's only with reminders from my christian fellowships at church (and even online) that I'm able to keep my proverbial head above water in this matter!

mattycam · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_hard-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:3c61f663-46c9-4855-9860-a2b9a4a3dd9aPost:71182694-e572-4e61-b89a-c50e63da49bd">Re: Why is it so hard to wait!</a>:
[QUOTE] People who are engaged, just speaking truthfully here, do not always make it to the altar. Life happens. Now I pray that all of us here will make it to the altar and BEYOND...that being said, we want to all reach it with a pure life and clean conscience. So I'm praying for all of us that we can make it
Posted by rachelea[/QUOTE]

I totally agree. Just because we are engaged doesn't mean we should take matters into our own hands. We still need God in every aspect of our lives especially when we are tempted to go out of His will. Be strong my sister, as I too know how hard it is to wait but it will be worth it!

GJones27 · October 2010

Just think... with a countdown until the day, you have something to look forward to. It's not indefinite waiting anymore. It's easier waiting for something if you convince yourself that the wait will be over soon enough. Hang in there! Time will fly really fast. As a PP said, keep up with your prayer life, as you can't stay strong without God. You wouldn't want to live with regret.

InaD1029 · October 2010

I'm so grateful for the honesty here... nobody is ridiculing us for our choices, and nobody is saying that they have it all together, either. We are believers in grace, not our own inherent goodness.

I think the most helpful thing we have done is to put limits on way ahead of time. Like, when you're NOT transfixed by the beauty of his sparkling green/grey eyes or his impish one-sided grin (sorry, too personal!) Set boundaries ahead of time. KNOW where the line is.

I'm not sure what you mean by your "very special line," but it was very helpful to us to outline various situations and what we would and wouldn't tolerate. "Not having sex" is too broad a statement: are we going to kiss? What kind of kissing is okay and what kind isn't? Where are your hands allowed to be and where aren't they? What furniture are we allowed to cuddle on and what furniture can we not? What is our curfew to return home? What topics are we allowed to bring up in conversation? Rules alone can't change our hearts, but they will show you much more clearly when you're in the "red zone."

Another thing we had to do is identify the times/places where we are most tempted. Those places have stricter "rules." We also try to plan activities so that we don't fall into the trap of "what do you want to do?" "cuddle!!!!" and so on.

Also, I'm the one who has more trouble with following the rules! So I hear ya... eight months out and counting, I'm REALLLLYYY looking forward to our wedding night. I don't even care if we have sex... I just don't want to have lines and boundaries to think about at all. Just being together will be so great because it's totally licit at that point. Right now it's not... and it DOES feel crappy after we screw up. But we will hopefully be married a lot longer than eight months. It's worth the wait.

And thanks for opening up the door so others can share, too. You're definitely not alone on this one.

rachelea · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_hard-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:3c61f663-46c9-4855-9860-a2b9a4a3dd9aPost:8947c418-c50e-40f0-960c-c5ed2a86556a">Re: Why is it so hard to wait!</a>:
[QUOTE]But we will hopefully be married a lot longer than eight months. It's worth the wait.
Posted by InaD1029[/QUOTE]

Great, GREAT point. 8 months seems so long at this point but when you look at how small that is in the grand scheme of things...it IS worth the wait.

RNShellyF · October 2010

It is SO hard to wait. FI & I were not Christians when we started dating ( 5 1/2 years ago) and we had sex until we came to know Jesus (approx 2 1/2 years ago). So for the last 2 1/2 years we have had to abstain from something that we did all the time before. FI is in school for Bachelor of Theology, and his school has strict rules about being alone with someone of the opposite sex before marriage. We are really taking this seriously, and we havent "messed up" in a long time. Here is what works for us:
- We RARELY hang out alone. For the most part we hang out in groups with other Christian friends (sometimes non-Christian friends too).
- When we do hang out alone, it is a public place (restaurant, mall, etc)
- We recently had to stop kissing, like no more than a peck, because tempatations were too high.
- We keep busy when we are at someone's house without friends, like most of the time we are doing homework in the living room or kitchen.
- We talk to our pastors and have accountability partners

I can't remember what else, but we have MANY rules, and are just counting down the days. I am in the same boat, 8 months away, but we are fortunate we are both really busy with school now, and I will be graduating in December, and hopefully starting a job soon, so I just plan to be a workaholic until we are married lol.

kellya01 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_hard-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:3c61f663-46c9-4855-9860-a2b9a4a3dd9aPost:8947c418-c50e-40f0-960c-c5ed2a86556a">Re: Why is it so hard to wait!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm so grateful for the honesty here... nobody is ridiculing us for our choices, and nobody is saying that they have it all together, either. We are believers in grace, not our own inherent goodness.
Posted by InaD1029[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Thanks, InaD! I don't mind putting myself out there. It's a tough world we live in... SO many people are having sex before marriage, and there are so many more people choosing to live together before marriage too. My parents still tease me that I should have been born in the 50's because I just have values that are more traditionally centered on family and God, unlike some of the rest of the "world" that I'm part of every day in my job. </div><div>
</div><div>Anyone else, if you want to share on this topic, feel free -- I think this is a thread that we could probably talk about for days and weeks!!! It's a tough topic, and one that I think we all have some "OMG we almost went too far" moments and how you got yourself out of the potential mess. We probably could share some regrets, like "I wish we hadn't..." and it doesn't have to be sex- -- there are all sorts of intimacies that we need to save for marriage and intercourse is just the "big" one. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

GJones27 · October 2010

RNShellyF, wow, that must be really tough. It's very admirable that after having sex, you're able to stop and be pure until marriage, and for 2.5 years! That's no easy task. Good for you both! :-)

NA_Adam11 · October 2010

First i would love to point out that if nothing else this is an awesome way to know that we arnt the only ones struggling with this and we can all help each other get trough this time until til we do get married!

RNshellyF, I never have had sex with my FI but those are some of the rules that we have to give ourselves also! I know were not getting married to have sex but its going to be an awesome plus!!

I have been with my FI for a little over 4 years and we are getting married one week before our 5 yr anniversary. We are 6 hrs apart during the school year. Its Lucky to see each other once a month during the semester! ( I seriously count down days til every break etc. So i know what those couple of days away from each other feels like! But i also agree with what everyone else has mentioned, don't put yourselves in those situations that could end badly. I know that my FI and i try not to be alone at our homes together. I know for us we try not to kiss for to long because it is possible to get out of hand quickly. Something that i have been told before is if you do make out for any length of time try holding hands and that way you cant "wonder" anywhere. I know it sounds funny but it works.

faith12186 · October 2010

It's really not easy. FI and I have been together for 6 years and have done nothing. We've barely even held hands. It has become so difficult to not think about it because I know it's going to happen. My wedding is in 19 days and and it hasn't gotten any easier since we got engaged 6 months ago. It does help that we rarely spend alone time together. What I do is pray and think about something else. We went to an annual church convention last week and were traveling back on the train yesterday. Most of the 9 hour train ride i was thinking how badly I wanted to kiss him or other things. I just tried to think of something else wedding related to get my mind off of him. I think it's so hard to wait because it's the right thing to do. It's not always easiest to go with the right decision.

Lukenheather · October 2010

I'm so glad I'm not alone in this.
For one, I'm not a virgin, it was a boyfriend before my FI... He has been absolutely amazing. He has helped me get through this in so many ways. I was just a complete wreck and he helped me to see that I was worth more than just what I had done.
Anyway, as for our boundaries, we are both very sexual people, and it is so incredibly hard to wait. Every time we mess up, I break into tears, and he feels horrible.
We started making a calendar where we would mark on the calendar an 'X' when we messed up and a smiley face when we hung out alone and didn't mess up. It is a little more physical evidence of how well we are doing.
We also try not to be alone a whole lot, and when we start getting too 'snuggly' one or both of us stop and do something else.

Gah I love him so much!! =D

MrsTucker2011 · October 2010

I'm glad I stumbled on this thread. Made me feel happy that my FI and I aren't the only ones out there waiting till our wedding day.
Cyber high-five to you ladies! *5*

Let's keep up the good fight!

JoyMatt424 · October 2010

It really shocks me how few people are waiting. It makes me sad that people feel the need to have sex to take their future partner for a "test drive" before committing.

fpaemp2011 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_hard-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:3c61f663-46c9-4855-9860-a2b9a4a3dd9aPost:b195e4bf-49ed-49f4-b476-bfab2c79c1ce">Re: Why is it so hard to wait!</a>:
[QUOTE]It really shocks me how few people are waiting. It makes me sad that <strong>people feel the need to have sex to take their future partner for a "test drive" before committing</strong>. :/
Posted by JoyMatt424[/QUOTE]

ANYTIME I hear somebody use that lame excuse, I remind them I am NOT a car. I am a woman to be cherished and FI is a man to be resepcted.

Freshman year at LU, one of our chapel speakers made the statement that that was a common excuse, and apparently my "I am not a car," comment wasn't as "to myself" as I thought it was...our brother dorm heard it...embarrasing...(but at least they all knew where I stood on the issue).

JoyMatt424 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_hard-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:3c61f663-46c9-4855-9860-a2b9a4a3dd9aPost:7a10b005-a62f-4cb8-954e-08c66b0f7b35">Re: Why is it so hard to wait!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why is it so hard to wait! : ANYTIME I hear somebody use that lame excuse, I remind them I am NOT a car. I am a woman to be cherished and FI is a man to be resepcted. Freshman year at LU, one of our chapel speakers made the statement that that was a common excuse, and <strong>apparently my "I am not a car," comment wasn't as "to myself" as I thought it was...our brother dorm heard it...embarrasing..</strong>.(but at least they all knew where I stood on the issue).
Posted by fpaemp2011[/QUOTE]

Haha! That is embarrassing but you are right, at least they knew where you stood!

I feel the same way. I think it's really lame how that is a very common excuse. "How are you going to know if you have chemistry if you don't try it out?"

hiloak · October 2010

I've been there girlie. Before my FI I was with a guy who wasn't a Christian, but I was really struggling with my relationship with God too. Those two things together ended up beign enough for me as a sinful sinful person to screw up.

I got with my FI 2 years later and after God had really turned my life around, and I was so nervous to even tell him about my past, but I knew if he was the one for me God would give him the forgiveness in his heart to forgive me for my sinful past. When I told him about maybe not being the girl he imagined I think he was shocked, but he loved me the same and still said he thought I was the one for him. Now, almost 8 months later we're planning or May wedding and I couldn't be more excited to spend the rest of my life with him. BUt, it can still be hard for us, both of our love languages are phsycial touch so I always want to be kissing,hugging, snuggling with me. However, we know our boundaries veery well,and yes the next 7 months are going to be difficult, but I know that in the end, Im getting everything that I've dreamed of, including the most amazing guy for me. I wouldn't want to ruin that excitment I get to have with him our wedding night for anything. From someone who didn't wait for the perfect guy and the wedding night, make it worth it

. It will be in the end. Praying for you girl and all of you girls!!

Habs2Hart · October 2010

Thanks for bringing this up. It is so hard, but you are doing the right thing.

I grew up in a Christian home. I fell away from God in highschool and became sexually active in high school. I was sexually active for almost a decade when I met my Fl. He had just became a Christian a few years ago and I was his first gf since he came to God and he had been sexually active for a long time too. It has been SO HARD, but we've managed not to slip too far. I mean, for a bit at the beginning, we'd get a bit too into each other, but we've both gotten stronger and God is helping us keep from slipping again.

One thing that my Fl said to me that has really helped is that God gives and he can take away just as fast, so why not do everything in our relationship (as best we can) to use it to glorify God.

Honestly, I cannot WAIT for the day that I say I Do and we can become one before God. But I'm not going to lie... part of me is a wee bit scared my Fl might kill me He's pretty... wild.

Why is it so hard to wait!

Re: Why is it so hard to wait!

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