Wedding Etiquette Forum

Someone I can't invite assumes she's invited

My family has had a several years long fued with my aunt. My aunt (for reasons I still fail to understand) made up lies and called the Department of CHild Protective services on my Dad. She did this twice. The first time was when I was about 11. We didn't talk to her for about a year but eventually forgave her and things were fine. When I was 19 she did it again. That was 6 years ago. Now I'm a forgiving person and I've let it go. But my parents still have nothing to do with her and my dad has told me in no uncertain terms that if I invite her to my wedding he won't come. She used to be my favorite aunt and once upon a time we were really close. Since the second false report I've had minimal contact with her and have only occassionally since her while visiting other family.She recently friended me on facebook. I accepted her because I didn't see any harm. Today I changed my status to "On this day next year I'll be getting married! :D We finally found a venue." she commented "how great! I will mark my calendar". This puts me in a bit of an ackward place. I didn't think annoucing that I'd found a venue would lead people to assume they were invited. I mean how presumptious. My inclination is just to ignore the comment. But I still feel bad. I always figured that she would understand that I can't invite her. It makes me sad that by not inviting her I'm going to cause offense.
Wedding Countdown Ticker

Re: Someone I can't invite assumes she's invited

  • General rule of thumb is don't put it on facebook. You can't go back, but you might want to limit the FB wedding chatter in the future to prevent more mishaps..............

    My big question is do YOU want her at your wedding? if you do, it shouldn't matter what others threaten to do...

    If you don't want her there, I would just ignore that she said it and move on..She will take the hint when she doesn't get an invitation...(just no more facebook talk)
  • arendivaarendiva member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited October 2012
    I'm not a big facebooker. I probably change my status like 6 times a year. I was just so excited that we finally found a venue and picked a date. Henceforth though I will avoid mentioning my wedding on facebook at all .
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • One of the things I hate about facebook is the lack of ability to interpret tone and sincerity. Without knowing your aunt, I'd say it's possible that she is just excited for you and maybe wants to remember to send you a card or call to congratulate you.

    I mean, unless she is totally oblivious, she knows things are bad between her and the rest of your family. She has to know that her presence would not be appreciated by your parents.

    I think what she's done and the fact that your own parents wouldn't be comfortable with her at the wedding is enough for you to not invite her, but that's your call to make.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Follow Me on Pinterest
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_someone-i-cant-invite-assumes-shes-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:240928fe-9eaf-44f2-9ede-aca0e675210dPost:8bbc7a48-a04a-410e-9bc4-72c4fdb6af9e">Re:Someone I can't invite assumes she's invited</a>:
    [QUOTE]Facebook is the devil when it comes to weddings.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]



    I agree. My Mom and Aunt Always post on FB and tell everyone they see so people are always asking me how the Wedding planning is comming. A few people have asked if they're going to be invited. Grrr........
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Take everything about your wedding off FB, please.  It is a public forum. Your aunt, who you freely accepted as a friend on FB, is not being presumptuous to assume she will be invited to the wedding.  She's your friend.  You're sharing details about the wedding on FB. What did you think her reaction would be?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_someone-i-cant-invite-assumes-shes-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:240928fe-9eaf-44f2-9ede-aca0e675210dPost:79ae6048-0223-4c24-a9db-799e40bacdfb">Re: Someone I can't invite assumes she's invited</a>:
    [QUOTE]Take everything about your wedding off FB, please.  It is a public forum. Your aunt, who you freely accepted as a friend on FB, is not being presumptuous to assume she will be invited to the wedding.  She's your friend.  You're sharing details about the wedding on FB. What did you think her reaction would be?
    Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]


    I don't know about you but I'm facebook friends with high school acquaintances that I haven't seen or spoken to in over 7 years. I'm sure they don't expect an invite just because we are facebook friends. Having said that I already have realized my mistake and I don't intend to post any other wedding stuff.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited October 2012

    I would also wait a little while before you say anything to her and see how everything plays out.  Like PPs said, just keep the wedding talk to a minimum around her.  You are still a year out and have a while before you have to send out invites.  Things and feelings may change...

    I do sympathize though.  That is a tough situation and one that I have been in with family feuds.  Later on down the road, if you really want her there, you may have to have a talk with your family to give them the heads up.  They should be able to behave like adults for one day.

    Edit:  Sorry, I just read the part where your Dad threatened to not come.  Makes it even tougher...but it would still be a conversation with your dad if you wanted her to come.  You can sit them on opposite sides of the room, minimize contact, do what you can.  Again, it all boils down to acting like grown adults on a day that's important to you.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_someone-i-cant-invite-assumes-shes-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:240928fe-9eaf-44f2-9ede-aca0e675210dPost:de484591-fbbe-47ec-8918-eb5b09a5118d">Re: Someone I can't invite assumes she's invited</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would also wait a little while before you say anything to her and see how everything plays out.  Like PPs said, just keep the wedding talk to a minimum around her.  You are still a year out and have a while before you have to send out invites.  Things and feelings may change... I do sympathize though.  That is a tough situation and one that I have been in with family feuds.  Later on down the road, if you really want her there, you may have to have a talk with your family to give them the heads up.  They should be able to behave like adults for one day. Edit:  Sorry, I just read the part where your Dad threatened to not come.  Makes it even tougher...but it would still be a conversation with your dad if you wanted her to come.  You can sit them on opposite sides of the room, minimize contact, do what you can.  Again, it all boils down to acting like grown adults on a day that's important to you.
    Posted by munchkinmiss[/QUOTE]

    It's a tough situation. But I'm on my dad's side. Though I've forgiven her I can understand why my dad hasn't and never will. If someone bore false witness against you multiple times and tried to have your kids taken away from you you wouldn't want them in your life. I would never dishonor my father by denying the only request he has made for my wedding. So to me inviting her is impossible and not even worth consideration. I just feel bad that she expects otherwise and will likely have hurt feelings.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I have a black sheep aunt as well. she has done countless things to my mom. My mom never flat out asked me not to bring her But when I asked for her opinion on inviting the aunt my mom said she would not feel comfortable all evening. So that made my decision for me. I'm also a forgiving person, but people should have consequences to their behavior. It caused a little bit of drama, but I would never want my MOM out of all people to not enjoy the day.
  • Seriously?! There are people here who think its perfectly acceptable to expect that one guest should be in the same room with the reason who called CPS ( something that, at the very least costs someone extreme emotional distress, at the worse can cost them their jobs and even freedom) on them? And twice? Let me ask those posters, what if that was you? What if your SIL called CPD on YOU? Would you SERIOUSLY be ok going to a family reunion? Now ask yourself if your child wanted to invite the person to her wedding? After years of loving her,, raising her, and now going through a criminal investigation, your DD actually looks at this lying Iyar who lies as an equal to you? If this were my daughter, I would lose all respect for my child as a basic human being. Becuase how hurtful is SHE to think that.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • I would delete the post. Do not post anything on fb wedding related.  I think posting leads to many unwanted opinions.
  • She called CPS on your dad when you were 19?  That's not even logical.

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_someone-i-cant-invite-assumes-shes-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:240928fe-9eaf-44f2-9ede-aca0e675210dPost:6bb8979f-8912-4ce9-8104-bcc12f2ec0a0">Re: Someone I can't invite assumes she's invited</a>:
    [QUOTE]Seriously?! There are people here who think its perfectly acceptable to expect that one guest should be in the same room with the reason who called CPS ( something that, at the very least costs someone extreme emotional distress, at the worse can cost them their jobs and even freedom) on them? And twice? Let me ask those posters, what if that was you? What if your SIL called CPD on YOU? Would you SERIOUSLY be ok going to a family reunion? Now ask yourself if your child wanted to invite the person to her wedding? After years of loving her,, raising her, and now going through a criminal investigation, your DD actually looks at this lying Iyar who lies as an equal to you? If this were my daughter, I would lose all respect for my child as a basic human being. Becuase how hurtful is SHE to think that.
    Posted by Ilumine[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Nope, I get ya.  I'd be pissed as hell too and the family fueds we had in my family, I've sided with my immediate family.  I guess I was just confused and read it as the OP might want her aunt there.  I have reading comprehension fail on this one.   My bad.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_someone-i-cant-invite-assumes-shes-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:240928fe-9eaf-44f2-9ede-aca0e675210dPost:108ff170-ed74-436b-ab7f-de131cc79ecb">Re: Someone I can't invite assumes she's invited</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Someone I can't invite assumes she's invited : It's a tough situation. But I'm on my dad's side. Though I've forgiven her I can understand why my dad hasn't and never will. If someone bore false witness against you multiple times and tried to have your kids taken away from you you wouldn't want them in your life. I would never dishonor my father by denying the only request he has made for my wedding. So to me inviting her is impossible and not even worth consideration. I just feel bad that she expects otherwise and will likely have hurt feelings.
    Posted by arendiva[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Yeah, I apparently sucked at reading last night and somehow read something else into it.  I'm sorry.  I retract my previous post.  </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_someone-i-cant-invite-assumes-shes-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:240928fe-9eaf-44f2-9ede-aca0e675210dPost:33c1a8df-65f2-4f2e-8f96-a456d6674666">Re: Someone I can't invite assumes she's invited</a>:
    [QUOTE]She called CPS on your dad when you were 19?  That's not even logical.
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

    I have 2 much younger sisters. so the second time she called CPS I wasn't actually involved in the investigation. I was away at college. But that doesn't change my feelings on the subject it was still an affront to my family and totally unsubstantiated accusations.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • It's your decision to have whatever kind of relationship you want with your aunt.  However, there are other kinds of relationships besides being facebook friends--I think it was a mistake to friend her (plus a separate mistake to post wedding details on FB), and you should unfriend her.  If she asks you about it, just say you still want to have a relationship with her, but you don't think it's a good idea for you to be FB friends with her.  You're saying that she made up lies about your family twice so that your dad would get in trouble and potentially lose his kids?  I would not give someone that did that access to the details of my life on FB, however innocuous they seem.  If you're FB friends with other family members, she might be able to access their info, too, depending on their privacy settings.  I would not give her those opportunities.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_someone-i-cant-invite-assumes-shes-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:240928fe-9eaf-44f2-9ede-aca0e675210dPost:f25be75a-4650-4a96-9fa8-d36b7e142b7d">Re: Someone I can't invite assumes she's invited</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's your decision to have whatever kind of relationship you want with your aunt.  However, there are other kinds of relationships besides being facebook friends--I think it was a mistake to friend her (plus a separate mistake to post wedding details on FB), and you should unfriend her.  If she asks you about it, just say you still want to have a relationship with her, but you don't think it's a good idea for you to be FB friends with her.  You're saying that she made up lies about your family twice so that your dad would get in trouble and potentially lose his kids?  I would not give someone that did that access to the details of my life on FB, however innocuous they seem.  If you're FB friends with other family members, she might be able to access their info, too, depending on their privacy settings.  I would not give her those opportunities.
    Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

    I live 2 hours away from her and haven't seen her in years. I don't even have her phone number. When she friended me on facebook I accepted because it's really the only way I could have contact with her. My primary interest in having any continued contact with her is because I love my cousins and I like to hear about them through the grapevine. I wasn't worried about her learning the details of my life via facebook because honestly I rarely update my status. This was an isolated mishap. I can't really unfriend her without her noticing (she was so excited when I accepted her) and I think that would cause even more hurt. I will just have to refrain from any future wedding references on facebook.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I have to agree that posting about wedding stuff on FB can cause a lot of these sorts of problems.  In this situation, just send out your invitations and see if she says anything then. 

    Also OP, and I mean no disrespect by saying this, but is your aunt seriously such a terrible person that she made up false accusations?  Or was she perhaps genuinely concerned about something going on with your siblings?  Obviously I don't know the situation, but having worked for CPS for three years, usually a relative doesn't just make something up unless they have a serious grudge or a vested interest in seeing someone's kids removed (ie, ex calls CPS to get primary custody).  It just seems a little odd that she would just make something up unless there is a lot more to the story than you are saying. 

    Maybe I'm a cynic, but if this were me, I'd be asking myself if there was anything my parents had done that would justify someone's legitimate concern for my siblings. 

    Again, I don't know the story, but it sounds fishy to me.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_someone-i-cant-invite-assumes-shes-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:240928fe-9eaf-44f2-9ede-aca0e675210dPost:d7f0c634-f1ca-4e76-bc08-56d421aea2b6">Re: Someone I can't invite assumes she's invited</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Someone I can't invite assumes she's invited : I live 2 hours away from her and haven't seen her in years. I don't even have her phone number. When she friended me on facebook I accepted because it's really the only way I could have contact with her. My primary interest in having any continued contact with her is because I love my cousins and I like to hear about them through the grapevine. I wasn't worried about her learning the details of my life via facebook because honestly I rarely update my status. This was an isolated mishap. I can't really unfriend her without her noticing (she was so excited when I accepted her) and I think that would cause even more hurt. I will just have to refrain from any future wedding references on facebook.
    Posted by arendiva[/QUOTE]

    <div>I just have trouble seeing FB as an appropriate tool to maintain this relationship.  Friend your cousins if you want to keep tabs on them and email your aunt back and forth.  What if someone posts a picture of your wedding on FB that includes your younger siblings?  Are you ok with her seeing that?  Do you think your siblings are ok with her seeing that?  I am not a big FB user, either, but once you're on it, it is really hard to limit the info that is out.  I would restrict what she can access on your page, and advise your siblings/dad/etc. (if you're friends with them on FB) that they should make sure their privacy settings are set to be totally locked down so that "friends of friends" cannot access their info.</div>
  • arendivaarendiva member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited October 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_someone-i-cant-invite-assumes-shes-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:240928fe-9eaf-44f2-9ede-aca0e675210dPost:d32f49b3-0995-4f6b-96dd-0aba07ee97aa">Re: Someone I can't invite assumes she's invited</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to  Re: Someone I can't invite assumes she's invited : I just have trouble seeing FB as an appropriate tool to maintain this relationship.  Friend your cousins if you want to keep tabs on them and email your aunt back and forth.  What if someone posts a picture of your wedding on FB that includes your younger siblings?  Are you ok with her seeing that?  Do you think your siblings are ok with her seeing that?  I am not a big FB user, either, but once you're on it, it is really hard to limit the info that is out.  I would restrict what she can access on your page, and advise your siblings/dad/etc. (if you're friends with them on FB) that they should make sure their privacy settings are set to be totally locked down so that "friends of friends" cannot access their info.
    Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]


    Ugh. The situation is just so complex. I'm not at all concerned about her seeing pictures of my sisters online. One of my sister's (who is turning 18 in December) is currently living with her. Though that is a whole other situation that frankly even I don't currently understand.

    As to questions about whether or not there was validity to her calling CPS I will say this. Many years ago when she was married to an abusive husband who was beating her and her children my parents called CPS because her kids were being beaten. We believe that her calling the first time was an act of revenge, petty as that sounds.The accusations she made at that time (molestation) were completely unfounded. I have never been molested.

    The second time she called CPS her accusations were that my dad beat my mom and that he used drugs. My dad has never laid a finger on my mom. Though I will admit that he occassional recreational uses drugs with friends (never at home in our presence).

     I'm not wiling to remove her as a facebook friend because my cousins don't actively use facebook and it really is the only way I stay in the loop about what is going on with them. I'd like to maintain that tenuous connection. My mom has basically forgiven her and she and my sisters see her. So hiding pictures of my sisters on facebook would be a silly and pointless effort.

     My dad will never forgive her. I don't expect him to. She has accused him of horrible things that he is not guilty of. I wish time could be rewound but it can't. I just can't invite her. Even though she was my favorite aunt and we were once very close.

     I guess my real point in starting this thread is to ask. Do I have a sit down with her and explain to her in person why I can't invite her? Or do I just not invite her and let her figure out on her own that she isn't welcome? Those are really the only two viable options. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited October 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_someone-i-cant-invite-assumes-shes-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:240928fe-9eaf-44f2-9ede-aca0e675210dPost:00193dfa-b647-48f0-a4f2-5213253230b8">Re: Someone I can't invite assumes she's invited</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have to agree that posting about wedding stuff on FB can cause a lot of these sorts of problems.  In this situation, just send out your invitations and see if she says anything then.  <strong>Also OP, and I mean no disrespect by saying this, but is your aunt seriously such a terrible person that she made up false accusations? </strong> Or was she perhaps genuinely concerned about something going on with your siblings?  Obviously I don't know the situation, but having worked for CPS for three years, usually a relative doesn't just make something up unless they have a serious grudge or a vested interest in seeing someone's kids removed (ie, ex calls CPS to get primary custody).  It just seems a little odd that she would just make something up unless there is a lot more to the story than you are saying.  Maybe I'm a cynic, but if this were me, I'd be asking myself if there was anything my parents had done that would justify someone's legitimate concern for my siblings.  Again, I don't know the story, but it sounds fishy to me.
    Posted by nextrightthing[/QUOTE]

    With you having experience with CPS you have got to know that this situation happens a lot. I know plenty of people who have called CPS while angry. My sister's boyfriend called on her when my niece wasn't even a month old. He did it because they were arguiing and he got angry (he is a SS in himself). It does happen.

    OP it seems like you've figured it out. I would honestly have a sit down IMO. Its definitely a rough situation. I've not spoken with my grandmother in years, however she is on my facebook (I will probably delete her now that I am thinking about it). I can totally understand being firm in my convictions but also feeling bad about it as well. Its natural. I do agree with you on the point where I have a lot of the people I graduated HS with on my page, and I know none of them would expect an invitation (and I've had those friends post about their weddings and its not bothered me). I'm one of the few with that state of mind I guess.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_someone-i-cant-invite-assumes-shes-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:240928fe-9eaf-44f2-9ede-aca0e675210dPost:610a15ad-ac29-4b22-851b-24ab756b6a05">Re: Someone I can't invite assumes she's invited</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Someone I can't invite assumes she's invited : With you having experience with CPS you have got to know that this situation happens a lot. I know plenty of people who have called CPS while angry. My sister's boyfriend called on her when my niece wasn't even a month old. He did it because they were arguiing and he got angry (he is a SS in himself). It does happen. OP it seems like you've figured it out. I would honestly have a sit down IMO. Its definitely a rough situation. I've not spoken with my grandmother in years, however she is on my facebook (I will probably delete her now that I am thinking about it). I can totally understand being firm in my convictions but also feeling bad about it as well. Its natural. I do agree with you on the point where I have a lot of the people I graduated HS with on my page, and I know none of them would expect an invitation (and I've had those friends post about their weddings and its not bothered me). I'm one of the few with that state of mind I guess.

    It does happen a lot out of revenge.  I just didn't understand from OP's post what might have triggered this.  Now it makes sense, but without more facts I had to wonder.

    OP, no, I don't think you owe her an explanation, either way. 
    Posted by Letstrythis1001[/QUOTE]
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards