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Etiquette

advise/thoughts please

okay so my soon to be brother in law is has just joined the army and is away at his on the job training right now and will need to fly in for our wedding.

I want all the wedding party to match, girls and guys. In the midst of discussing the grooms/ groomsmen attire i ask, how will we get the measurments for my future bil, to my fiance. He immediatly gets offended and says , "what do you mean? He is wear his army dress blues (the army dress suit), he dosen't need to be measured".  This thought had never crossed my mind. I pictured everyone in the same thing. I am not sure if i like that idea. But I am wondering if i should just compromise and let him wear the dress blues anyways , if it will make DH happy. What are the thoughts on that? Should i want him in a tux with everyone else, or will that be okay to let him wear it with out a fuss. My coworker said just put him at the end of the line up so it looks better, or have him wear a tux for the wedding /pictures and then let him change into his dress blue uniform.

thoughts please.

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Re: advise/thoughts please

  • Let him wear his dress blues for the entire thing. Don't make him change from a tux to his dress blues. Your pictures won't be ruined because of this.
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  • msuprincess04msuprincess04 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    edited December 2012
    Wearing a dress uniform is an honor. Not only for the solider who is riskin his life for his country, but also for you. It shows that you have pride in your family, your country, and support the sacrifices he's willing to make. It won't look strange, mismatch, or stand out. Let him wear it, and be proud of him.  
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
  • Dress blues are equivalent to tuxes and are acceptable to wear to a wedding.  This issue is between your FI and his brother.  You don't get to pick what they wear. You can pick out your side of the wedding party, but the groom's side is his decision.  If the groom doesn't care, then BIL can wear what he wants.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I don't think there is anything wrong with you asking your FBIL to wear a tux.  I am not a fan of people in the military wearing their dress uniforms to non-military events.

    If your FI is really insistent about him wearing his dress blues and you can feel a huge fit coming on about it then I would just drop it and let him wear his uniform.

    But I think you should ask your FBIL what he will feel most comfortable in.

  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 The Witch City member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    My brother was a groomsmen and he escorted me down the aisle in his mess dress uniform (this is the short jacket, rather than the longer tux length jacket).

    He looked fantastic and trust me no one questioned that he wasn't in a tux (white dinner jackets actually) like the rest of the groomsmen.  And the pictures look just fine too.

     

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advisethoughts-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d0998da4-de03-41e5-bdb1-b20458727da2Post:7917e14d-b86b-4782-b5ab-b50072b05ed8">Re: advise/thoughts please</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think there is anything wrong with you asking your FBIL to wear a tux.  I am not a fan of people in the military wearing their dress uniforms to non-military events.
    Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this. I think it looks great if the groom is in his dress blues and some of his GM are, or even if a lot of the GM wear dress blues, but if he is the only person in the entire wedding party in the military, I don't think it's wrong to ask him to wear a tux.
  • Not everyone has the honor of a member of service standing up for them at their ceremony. Why try to tuck it away or hide something that you should feel honored about? Let him wear his uniform, there's absolutely no way to insist on a tux without looking like a terrible person.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advisethoughts-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d0998da4-de03-41e5-bdb1-b20458727da2Post:77dfaaa2-4205-429d-a8c7-82b74956209a">Re: advise/thoughts please</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think it's ever wrong to ask someone in the WP to wear a tux, even if they are military.  However, I think since it's FI's groomsman AND FI's brother, FI should be the one to decide and if he wants his brother in the dress uniform, that's fine.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    Ditto stage
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  • The GMs attire should be up to your FI.  If he wanted all of his GMs in tuxes, then I would say the brother should agree to it.  But from what you described, your FI thinks his brother should be in his dress blues.  The only thing I would add is for your FI to make sure his brother actually wants to wear his dress uniform.  If he does, great.  You should consider it an honor to have a service member in your family and wedding party, and do not try to hide him or put him at the end of the line.  The wedding party is meant to reflect your relationship to these people - your nearest and dearest - and not how well they match one
    another. 

    You could still have him match better with the other GMs by having them wear matching bouts, and perhaps even have the other guys in navy suits instead of black.
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  • Anyone who risks their life for our country should be able to wear whatever they want.
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  • I think this is between your brother in law and fiance. They should figure it out.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advisethoughts-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d0998da4-de03-41e5-bdb1-b20458727da2Post:537fc6b2-b9f6-4bf1-8712-aed64f1b2c0d">Re: advise/thoughts please</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: advise/thoughts please : I agree with this. I think it looks great if the groom is in his dress blues and some of his GM are, or even if a lot of the GM wear dress blues, but if he is the only person in the entire wedding party in the military, I don't think it's wrong to ask him to wear a tux.
    Posted by cwaggoner07[/QUOTE]



    Agreed.
  • I think that if he wants to wear his dress blues, and FI is okay with this, you should let him.  Sure, you could ask him to wear a tux, but if wearing his dress blues is something that is important to him and okay with your FI, it really isn't a hill you want to die on.  I don't think that it will look odd at all - in fact I've been to two weddings where just one GM was in dress blues and it looked just fine.  
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advisethoughts-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d0998da4-de03-41e5-bdb1-b20458727da2Post:0acff9d2-6859-40db-9cb4-57ecaf593247">Re: advise/thoughts please</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think that if he wants to wear his dress blues, and FI is okay with this, you should let him.  Sure, you could ask him to wear a tux, but if wearing his dress blues is something that is important to him and okay with your FI, it really isn't a hill you want to die on.  I don't think that it will look odd at all - in fact I've been to two weddings where just one GM was in dress blues and it looked just fine.  
    Posted by libby2483[/QUOTE]

    Agreed. Was at a wedding last summer where all the GM's but one were in suits and the army guy was not even in dress blues, just his greenies. It looked great!
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    My father was in the military when he married my mother, and he wore his dress uniform at their wedding. 

    I'd let it go and be happy that the FBIL can even attend the wedding rather than insisting that he wear a tux.  He risks his life every day for our country-shouldn't that have priority over wedding party members wearing matching outfits?
  • I should add that we haven't even discussed the attire with his brother yet, so I don't even know if the BIL expects to wear the dress blues. Also, my fiancé is an Army Iraqi war Veteran, but has been inactive for about 8 yrs.
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  • I don't see why the grroms brother would want to look different then the other groomsmen. The fact that he is in the army has nothing to do with his role in the wedding. It would be fine for him to wear them as a guest since they are appropriately formal for a wedding but I think you are perfectly within your right to explain toyour fiance that you would prefer that the groomsmen all match. I do agree with PP's that ultimately it is your FI's choice though.
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  • I think that it will look a bit out of place if the only male WP member wearing something different is NOT the groom. It's not the end of the world, but you should have some say in what your wedding party wears. Just like the groom shouldn't have to put up with bridesmaids dresses that he hates. It isn't ONLY about what the bride OR the groom wants, especially in this day and age. 
  • I'm a MOB and a 26 year vet.  I strongly feel that the uniform needs to be invited to be worn at civilian functions.  Sounds to  me like your FI wants his brother to wear his uniform.  Since your FI is a vet, I'm guessing he has strong feeling about this and you need to let it be.

    I am also a strong believer that the bride doesn't get to "let" groomsmen wear anything.  The BM's are your call, the Groomsmen are your FI's call.  This isn't your decision to make.

    Since you guys haven't discussed it you should.  Communication is key in marriage.  Please don't think it will look wierd or out of place in any pictures.  No one will be confused by who the groom is.  If your FI wants the uniform to be worn by his brother then FBIL should wear if IF HE WANTS TO.  (I never ever wore my uniform to civilian events and my friends don 't either.  No desire whatsoever).  If your FI wants his brother to wear a tux, he should get measured.

    Let this go, it isn't your decision to make or allow.
  • You know, I am absolutely NOT pro-military.  Had my husband still be in the Air Force when I met him, I'd never have dated him, let alone married him.  And I dislike uniforms.

    However, when we were wedding planning, my then-FSIL (H's sister) was in military school (Navy).  She couldn't afford the BM dress because their mom pulled her support & we couldn't afford to buy it for her, so she asked if she could wear her dress uniform.  She wasn't the MOH, and all the BMs we wearing the same dress & I didn't want her to stand out.  So I said no.  She wasn't a BM.

    That right there is my BIGGEST regret from my wedding day.  I should have said yes.  I realized it later and apologized to her, and we're good friends.  We get along great, and she seems to not care.  But I should have said yes, and here I am, almost 4 years later, still regretting it.

    Don't make the same mistake.  Leave it up to FBIL.  It's not worth it.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advisethoughts-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d0998da4-de03-41e5-bdb1-b20458727da2Post:77dfaaa2-4205-429d-a8c7-82b74956209a">Re: advise/thoughts please</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think it's ever wrong to ask someone in the WP to wear a tux, even if they are military.  However, I think since it's FI's groomsman AND FI's brother, FI should be the one to decide and if he wants his brother in the dress uniform, that's fine.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
    I agree with Stage, actually.

    Just like you wouldn't want your fiance to say that all your girls have to wear a dress (as opposed to formal pants) or that they need to wear heels or what ever, neither should you get to decide what the BIL wears. I mean, it's acceptable attire, ya know?
    In the end, it's probably not a battle worth fighting. And you don't even know what BIL wants to wear, so it's probably something to discuss with him, anyway.
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  • Just my two cents, my Bridesman wore his dress blues, and our colors were black, red, and silver. Obviously, not a matching scheme here. But, he looked great, my pictures don't look silly, and it didn't cause a scene (some brides worry it will take attention away from them, or some such nonsense.)

    As many have said, while there's nothing wrong with asking BIL to wear a tux, it's up to your FI what his side wears, unless it's something completely inappropriate. Which a dress uniform isn't. So, leave it up to your FI. I promise, it'll look fine, and you're not even really going to notice what people are wearing the day of, or in pictures. You're just going to see happy faces of those you love. That's what matters. 
  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2012
    Another ditto to Stage. And definitely have your FI ask his brother's preference. My brother wore a tux in our wedding rather than his marine dress blues by his choice. But if he does want to he should be allowed. Also, no idea on the army's rules around this, I'm more familiar with the marines, but pretty sure they don't allow extra add ons like a bout to dress uniforms, just fyi. And sorry for the lack of punctuation and paragraphs; on my phone
  • I think that it's ridiculous to say that the bridesmaids dresses are ENTIRELY the bride's choice and the groomsmen's attire is ENTIRELY the groom's choice. Is it really so difficult to make these decisions together? The groom is entitled to an opinion about the bm dresses; after all, he will be posing in photos with them all day and they are standing up in HIS wedding ceremony. Similarly, the bride should get some say in what the groomsmen wear. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advisethoughts-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d0998da4-de03-41e5-bdb1-b20458727da2Post:7151d284-0e43-4663-8357-e9d8154b1d5e">Re:advise/thoughts please</a>:
    [QUOTE]Another ditto to Stage. And definitely have your FI ask his brother's preference. My brother wore a tux in our wedding rather than his marine dress blues by his choice. But if he does want to he should be allowed. Also, no idea on the army's rules around this, I'm more familiar with the marines, but <strong>pretty sure they don't allow extra add ons like a bout to dress uniforms, just fyi</strong>. And sorry for the lack of punctuation and paragraphs; on my phone
    Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

    Ah ok, I didn't know that!  Either way, OP, I think FI's brother will look fine. 
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  • The people in your wedding party are supposed to be your closest friends, not props for your photos.
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  • don't know the armys rules on such but i can tell you that the marines are a no-go on the bouts...
  • Wedding...not a military base....honor or not...if u in my wedding, u r in a tux...my BIL also just joined the Army....he will be in a TUX as bestman...my suggestion and FI was in total agreeance..
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advisethoughts-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d0998da4-de03-41e5-bdb1-b20458727da2Post:efe66064-39c4-4870-942c-fbdccbb606f2">Re:advise/thoughts please</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wedding...not a military base....honor or not...if u in my wedding, u r in a tux...my BIL also just joined the Army....he will be in a TUX as bestman...my suggestion and FI was in total agreeance..
    Posted by aquari0216[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Just curious, what would you have done if your FI wanted BIL in uniform?

    </div>
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