I am at my breaking point

threemarie24 · January 2010

VENTING HERE.

I understand this is a public site, and well I should not be venting here, but really I do not have anyone else and I need some clear eyes to look at this and give some advice. My "best friend" who is my only BM, standing up next to my MOH, sister, is stressing me out. I have 2 months till my wedding TWO MONTHS. We are getting married in Vegas, a larger destination wedding, with about 50 guests coming. Invites just went out on Monday. We are getting our dress fittings on the 17th, and when asking my MB if she has found her shoes yet...she drops the bomb on me... She isnt even sure if she can afford to come!!! I asked her to be in the wedding well over one year ago. In my mind, if she felt that being at her BFF's wedding she would have saved for it. Is our relationship not worth $350!!??

I am freaking out. I talked to FI and even said who else would I ask to take her place. First off I cant replace HER, but we are only having two people on each side so it will look really funny having it so lopsided. He mentioned that these are our wedding pictures, and they will be forever...I know it sounds mean of us but are we over reacting? TWO months out!!! WHY? So I have to call her tomorrow and put her on the spot, ask her if she will actually be coming. Since we will have to figure out the details if we decide to ask someone to not replace her, but stand up for us. I will have red and puffy eyes tomorrow...work is going to be "fun".

LittleSweetie · January 2010

::big hug::

I'm sorry darlin

Can you offer to help her out somehow? I hope she comes to her senses and realizes how important it is to be there.

akstanl · January 2010

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Money issues are never easy to talk about. I really hope things work out for you and FI and that your relationship with her isn't hurt for the long term.

veijes · January 2010

Aww that's not a fun situation!! I would talk with her about the money thing, maybe she will be getting money back from taxes? Or like LS said, maybe you could help out a little? I know that you are already putting a lot towards your wedding, especially with how your venue is about stuff but is $100 or so worth more than having her there?

I'm so sorry that you are in this predicament

drdifabio · January 2010

Wow that is tough. I would for sure talk to her about it and straight up ask about her money situation. If she is your BF then I am sure you will be able to talk to her. I would also reiterate that this isnt a birthday part or some other event - this is your wedding. Maybe she is just getting nervous about money and just wanted to talk about it. I thinking sitting down and talking to her about how you feel would really help.

threemarie24 · January 2010

thanks ladies! Yeah the funning thing about it is that I have tried to talk to her about everything thing. I have brought up some wedding details early on in our planning and she actually went as far to tell me that she didnt want to hear about my wedding, as i talk too much about it already!? WHAT! Some friend huh? So I didnt talk to her about it, and that hurt me A LOT. I gave her a chance thinking she just might be sad that she isnt engaged or at that time in her life, but I just dont know what it is. Like I said when I try to talk to her about anythign wedding related I feel guilty for talking about it.

I was planning on taking her out to CraftSteak while down there...FI and I are talking the wedding party out there, as their wedding gift. So I will let her know that was our plan, and I could give her the $100 for her flight instead of dinner.

I also wish she would understand where I am coming from. I am stressing out over not having my best friend at my wedding. and she wont even let me bring it up. I have to stop thinking about this or I will be a ball of blubber at work. NO good. --I'll let you know how our conversation goes. I have already tried to call her, and text her but she wont answer, I think at this point she might be embarrassed by the fact she cant afford to go. But really have always been up front about that, and if she jut cant afford to go to let me know, I would have preferred her telling me this a few months ago!! I did send her a email, so she knows how I feel and I asked for her to make this conversation a priority this weekend.

beka0404 · January 2010

As PP suggested, I would have a heart to heart with her. I know she has had a long time to save, but perhaps she is having financial troubles that you're not aware of and she's too embarassed to disclose her situation to you up front. I am sure your best friend is not intentionally trying to hurt you - there has to be a reason...

If she truly cannot go, I don't really think you can ask someone else to take her place - it's a wedding, not a Broadway show. It's mildly insulting to whomever you ask to take her place (hello, B-List) and truly, is it worth the drama to have an even number? People have "lopsided" wedding parties all the time - think of it this way, your sister can walk down the aisle with two fellas on her arms!

I totally understand why you're upset, but deep breaths! Deep breaths! As long as you and FI get hitched, that's all that truly matters.

threemarie24 · January 2010

Beka..I know!! I SO can not replace her! (or if anyone was not able to make it) I do not care about being lopsided, and like I said I agree with the b-list thing, who would like to stand up for us then....So I am not saying that at all. I just wished she would have talked to me about this earlier.--after I have repeatedly tried to ask her.

beka0404 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_am-breaking-point?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:81Discussion:3d2327e5-1f67-4f72-902d-360585f31d16Post:f83d68dc-ddc9-4f2d-8dee-ebf7ba62e45f">Re: I am at my breaking point</a>:
[QUOTE]Beka..I know!! I SO can not replace her! (or if anyone was not able to make it) I do not care about being lopsided, and like I said I agree with the b-list thing, who would like to stand up for us then....So I am not saying that at all. I just wished she would have talked to me about this earlier.--after I have repeatedly tried to ask her.
Posted by threemarie24[/QUOTE]

Ack! Sorry, I must have misread your post.

AmberDerek · January 2010

That sucks! I hope she comes to her senses.

I have had some experiences with some close friends where they have barely even talked to me about the wedding and they have acted like I'm not even getting married.

I think some people don't realize they are hurting your feelings and it is a shame.

threemarie24 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_am-breaking-point?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:81Discussion:3d2327e5-1f67-4f72-902d-360585f31d16Post:f7ac91c5-3746-4a8a-b86d-f3a1833e45d4">Re: I am at my breaking point</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I am at my breaking point : Ack! Sorry, I must have misread your post.
Posted by beka0404[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>No big deal...I can understand about misreading posts. :) </div>

polichik · January 2010

I really hope your friend comes to her senses. Honestly, with everything you've said, it sounds like there might be some deeper friendship issues going on. Her not wanting to hear about your wedding was a red flag to me... Either she was upset about something else, or us brides can get a little carried away with wedding talk! Not at all saying you were in the wrong, but it sounds like she's upset about something else. I'd just level with her.... "I have to admit that I'm upset that you might not be able to come, but I'm also concerned that something else might be wrong. Have I done something to upset you?"

I hope she comes around... Good luck!

dc*prep · January 2010

That freaking blows. Sorry, but I think it's absolutely ridiculous that she's just now telling you about the money issue. And I never understand people who are MEAN about brides talking about their wedding. It always seems to me that those people have jealousy issues.

Our wedding party will be lopsided too, because I'm having a Man of Honor in addition to my BMs. Most people don't even notice those things

threemarie24 · January 2010

Oh thanks ladies, you are helping me feel a little better!

Like I said I dont care that it will be lopsided, I think it could just look funny since we have a super small party to start with, two on each side. I agree of the underlining issues here, but I cant even talk to her about them, since she hasnt returned my phone calls or emails!

--and I have to admit in the early parts of planning I was excited and talked a bit about the wedding, SUE me!

but after she actually said she dont want to hear about it anymore I shut up and keep it all inside. Some friend huh!

Its said how weddings either make or break friendships.

hkiesling · January 2010

I like Vegas. Just throwing that out there if you need a last minute replacement.

Anyway, on a serious note, it is a huge bummer, but try not to let it put a damper on the rest of your planning. I'm sure that if you talk to her, the two of you can work something out.

Also, I'm always available for a good vent if you want to email or call me.

leggwilliams · January 2010

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this, esp. so close to your wedding! I agree with previous posts that talking to her to find out why this issue is coming up right now is the best bet, but it sucks she's not really giving you that opportunity and is shutting you out. I also agree she might be embarrased about her financial situation and not want to talk about, but she also needs to stop being selfish and realize you are her best friend and this is the most important day of your life and at least be willing to discuss it with you. Good luck!

MesmrEwe · January 2010

I agree with the PP in that it definitely sounds like there's something else going on in her psyche... May be nothing, but think about the last time you asked your parents for money because things were so tight you didn't have anything, how did you approach the subject? It's one thing if you know that she doesn't have a lot of money at all and is one step away from the poor house, it's another when it sounds like it's a cover for "please let me out of having to do this!"...

And, if she's looking for an "out", let her have it, sure you may be bummed, but it's a lot easier on your wedding to be surrounded by happy helpful faces than someone who had sour grapes for breakfast and lemons for lunch complaining about everything wedding. One of our BMs did this and it takes away from your day more than losing someone ahead of time to stand up ever could.

LOL... since it's a Vegas wedding, if she's out, you could have the "BM lottery" and give all the women in attendance an envelope with one containing a "prize ticket" and they're you're guest attendant...

Don't fret, it's just not worth it, it just puts more stress on you to be dealing with someone that just doesn't want to be there.

I am at my breaking point

Re: I am at my breaking point

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