FH's sister as BM

SineadHickey · October 2010

Hi there,

My FH has 3 sisters, I would like to ask one of them to be a bridesmaid. I was curious if this will be like a slap in the face to the other 2. I'm basically saying "I like this sister the best." (which I do.) I am not trying to be rude, but I am just wondering if it will come off that way.

Thanks in advance for any advice!

alixzafiris · October 2010

Are you actually friends with this sister or is a courtesy-ask?

squirrly · October 2010

If the one you're asking is close to your age, you socialize with her, etc. AND the others are either 40+ or under 13 OR hate your guts, I suppose it's ok.

I'd involve them all or none.

SineadHickey · October 2010

They are all one year a part, so no real age diferences. I have just bonded the most with the younger sister and find the other 2 kind of irritating.

DodgersBride · October 2010

I would ask the one that you are closest too only. It might hurt the other 2 feelings but I would rather not be asked then a courtesy ask.

waltzingmatilda13 · October 2010

Put yourself in her sister's shoes and ask yourself how you would feel. I think you would feel pretty crappy and I don't think that is it a good idea. Ask them all or don't ask any of them.

opalsky007 · October 2010

I would ask them all. They're going to know how you feel about them if you pick their sister and not them. It's not like you have to be besties forever, they just come to your pre-wedding parties and wear a dress.

Being a bridesmaid: temporary. Being sisters-in-law: hopefully permanent. Don't start a dispute that's going to follow you around forever.

sclams · October 2010

I'd say it depends on your relationship with the other 2 sisters. If all of you hang out together and there was no prior indication that you like one so much better than the others, then I'd say ask all or none. If it's been obvious from the start that you are closer to the one sister, and you are friends with her apart from the time you spend with FI's family, then maybe it'll be alright because no one will be surprised- you'd be asking her because you two are close, not just because she's FI's sister.

squirrly · October 2010

Are you having readings? Maybe you could have them (all 3) do either a reading each, or do a longer reading together?

noodle_oo · October 2010

Yeah, I would not only ask 1. I would ask either all or none. I know I would be so hurt if my sister was asked to be in my brother's wedding and I wasn't, especially since they are all so close in age. I think you are just asking for resentment and future issues if you pick only your favorite.

SineadHickey · October 2010

Well one of his sisister is already a groomsmen, but my FH said they've always had a special bond, so none of the sisters minded.

So there would only be one sister not involved, but she is getting married 3 weeks after me and didn't ask me to be a BM. (I would never have expected her to.) I'm just saying we like each other, but know we're not that close.

I really feel a strong connection with the sister I want to ask, but I think after hearing your responses. I just wont ask her. I'd rather do none than all, I dont want to start adding people to my party just because.

Moneypenny424 · October 2010

Well, in that case, I'd feel pretty crappy if I was the one sibling left out. Either include the other 2 or neither of them.

I think the better question to ask is if your FI is in his sister's wedding. You are her future SIL, which is different than including siblings in the wedding party. I'm not saying you have to do tit for tat, but it might help you figure things out.

heyimbren · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fhs-sister-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6b850f04-daf3-4ebd-b8d7-4524377c4b38Post:a4af607d-6628-4e4f-bc31-da22a4aa678b">Re: FH's sister as BM</a>:
[QUOTE]Well one of his sisister is already a groomsmen, but my FH said they've always had a special bond, so none of the sisters minded. So there would only be one sister not involved, but she is getting married 3 weeks after me and <strong>didn't ask me to be a BM</strong>. (I would never have expected her to.) I'm just saying we like each other, but know we're not that close. I really feel a strong connection with the sister I want to ask, but I think after hearing your responses. I just wont ask her. I'd rather do none than all, I dont want to start adding people to my party just because.
Posted by SineadHickey[/QUOTE]

Why would she ask you to be a BM?

So one sister is already involved, and you want to involve the other one. I don't know, I think you should ask the engaged sister too. She might decline if she feels she's too busy. But I think if you have 2 involved in the WP, and not the other one that seems kind of rude. Could your FI include the other sister?

SineadHickey · October 2010

I was trying to say that I would never have expected or have even wanted her too include me in the WP. I think she feels the same way about me, but still might find it rude that I asked her other sister to be involed. My FH is really not that close with this sister, I think she would find it weird to be a groomsmen. I think I'm just going to leave both sisters out, it seems easier that way.

Gismo123 · October 2010

I don't see anything wrong with it....but just to keep peach between the family I would ask the other sisterr to do a reading or maybe to do a special toast at the reception so she doesn't feel left out.

carlieanddanwedding · October 2010

My FH has two sisters; one of them (the middle sister) I have really bonded with, the other (oldest) not as much. I like his oldest sister just fine, but she's very busy, and we just haven't had the opportunity to connect; his middle sister, on the other hand, has made numerous visits with her two little boys, and we have a lot in common and have become total buds. So, I asked his middle sister to be a bridesmaid, and not his oldest; his oldest sister totally understood. Additionally, my FH asked his adopted brother to be a groomsman, meaning the oldest sister is the only one not in the wedding party. I AM asking her to do a reading though, because I wanted to include her in the ceremony, and she is perfectly happy with that.

brookelynpaisley · October 2010

I personally would include all his sisters or none at all. This is your future family, and there's not telling you may soon be closer with one of the other sisters. To me, it's not worth causing a rift with family. Weddings are a joining of families, and I'm a firm believer that siblings should be included. And no, I'm not personally a fan of mixed-sex bridal parties.

It's not my experience, but a former friend that I'm drawing from. Her fiance had 7 siblings (step, half, and full) in all. He asked both of the brothers to stand on his side. She asked the two younger sisters to be Jr. bridesmaids and 1 of the older sisters to be a bridesmaid, leaving 2 sisters out. One of those sisters was so hurt she didn't attend the wedding at all. The other eventually decided to go, but debated until the last minute. All my former friend had to do was ask them to be BMs and the situation would have been fine.

SineadHickey · October 2010

brookelynpaisley you wouldn't like my wedding very much at all! We've got mixed parties on both sides.

Anyways, I ran your responses by my FH. I told him that you pretty much all gave me a resounding "No you can't do that." So I figured that it musn't be the way to go. He disagreed however, he said I absolutley must ask his sister to be BM if that's what I want and not to worry about the other sister as she's got her own day 3 weeks later.
I'm not for sure going to listen to him, but it was interesting how adamant he was that there's nothing wrong with asking just one sister.

mica178 · October 2010

Sinead, please realize that what guys think is okay to do often exists on a plane completely separate from waht girls think is okay. For example, my FI believed that it'd be okay to extend last minute (essentially B list) invitations to his friends when a bunch of no RSVPs came in the mail. That might be fine for the guys, but I have to believe that most women would see through it and be peeved.

I agree with PPs and would either involved all or none of the sisters. If the 3rd sister is too busy with her own wedding planning, she'll bow out from BM responsibilities, but at least she'll know that she's as welcome to be part of your wedding day as her siblings.

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