Ever hide purchases from hubby?

Ginabean42712 · January 2013

Does anyone ever hide purchases from hubby? I feel like he is constantely up my butt about things that buy. And before I start coming off as a shop-holic, let me tell you that I am 30 yrs old, have a really good job, have an 850 credit score, no debt, one credit card, one debit card, have a descent savings account, and pay all my bills off in full every month. So I do value the dollar and am really good with money. I dont own a lot of stuff, but now and then I like to treat myself to a new pair of shoes, jewelry, ect. Whenever he see's that I buy something he gets up my butt about it! He'll say things like "Another pair of shoes?" or "how much exactly did you spend on those?", ect. ect. I feel like it shouldn't be any of his business, and I hate having to defend myself everytime I spend a little bit of my own money. I think why I am angry about this is because my whole life my parents were the exact same way when I was growing up. They were the type of people that had really good jobs, but save and hoarded every single penny they earned, and we never went on vacations or had anything nice because they were alway so cheap. Now that I am an adult I shouldn't have to deal with this anymore. I am also mad at him tonight. Things usually bother me more when I am angry. Sigh.

misssunshine17 · January 2013

FI and I live separately and have separate bank accounts, but if he ever (after we're married) nagged me in the situations you're describing, we would be having a serious conversation. Even now, we talk over big purchases, but if I want/need anything, I don't have to 'clear' it with him. You sound more than reasonable, so I suggest having a serious conversation with him about it.

libby2483 · January 2013

If you guys have a joint bank account, maybe you guys need to have a converation about budgeting. Perhaps he feels that you should be saving for major, long-term expenses whereas you value being able to splurge every now and then. You could budget for a certain amount of fun money for each of you each month, so that if you come home with a purchase that he considers frivolous, he knows it came from the budgeted fun money. If you guys have separate bank accounts, what you do with your money really isn't his concern as long as you are not having any trouble paying bills or contributing to joint costs (which it sounds like you aren't).

I understand your frustration because my H is also very frugal. He grew up very poor, and he just has this mentality that we really don't need most things and we don't need to spend money on them. Getting him to give input on our wedding registry was a pain because he kept saying, "We don't NEED anything." I explained to him numerous times that we were not just registering for what we needed, but for upgrades of old things or things that we would like to have, even though they aren't necessities. Something he literally said to me five minutes ago was, "I think it is finally time for me to get a new pair of sweatpants. These have a lot of holes, and I did get them as a hand-me-down from my high school girl friend's older brother." Seriously.

So, I get where you are coming from. I think an honest conversation about budgeting and monetary goals would do you guys a lot of good.

Summer2011Bride · January 2013

If you have separate accounts and you only pay for shopping with your account, I agree that he doesn't need to be so involved in purchases.

But if you have a joint account, you do need to communicate when spending joint money. While I don't agree in getting "permission" to spend money that is also yours, I do always let H know if I am spending a chunk of money or heading out shopping just so he is not shocked when he sees a chunk missing from our account when he checks it. I think communication regarding money is so important; it's one of the things couples fight about most. Let him know it bothers you when you feel he is "checking up on you," but also maybe communicate more with him about your spending.

JillianNJohn · January 2013

I would never lie to FI about money. We live together and have our own accounts but we still discuss purchases. I have my bills, he has his and we split households. As long as we pay our own bills we don't really care but we do agree on alot of things first. He will ask me about my spending from time to time and ill give him more specifics in my acct status (we don't discuss how much is in there or check up on each other though we have access nor does he know how much my checks are). I came from a very controlling relationship where I had to ask permission to get gas in my car and FI knows this so he will just let me be for the most part. I don't advise lying but a good talk sounds in order. Good luck

Avion22 · January 2013

I only hide things from him when they are FOR him, and he usually still finds out.

Is it possible that your H doesn't intend to nag, but it's just coming across that way? Does he know about how you feel about your parents' relationship with money?

I think a good honest non-confrontational discussion about money and spending is in order between you and your H. There are a few things you might consider:

1. Giving each of you an "allowance" every month. I cringe at the term "allowance" and it's connotations, but it might work for you. You could decide that each of you gets a certain ammount of your discretionary income (say, $100) each month to spend as you wish, no questions asked. Anything you want to buy that's over and above that ammount must be agreed upon. This works if you both get the same "allowance" every month.

2. Decide on a dollar figure that requires joint approval. For example, my husband and I have decided that we feel pretty comfortable having both of us make purchases on our own without needing to know what the other is up to -- unless the dollar figure exceeds $300. Any single purchase/shopping trip over $300 needs to be approved by both of us.

3. Separate bank accounts. They can both be joint accounts, but you have one that you us and are responsible for, and he has one that he uses that he is responsible for. Your income goes into your account, and his income goes into his account. You each pay for some bills based on how much you bring in each month, making sure that you are both left with the same amount of discretionary income each month (better than an allowance, but you need two bank accounts).

All in all, you really need to sit down and talk about how money makes you feel, how spending makes you feel, and what your goals are. Once you understand each other's emotions about money, I think the solution will jump out at you:-)

thejucheidea · January 2013

No, because we have a joint account for purchases that are for both of us/the house/family members and then our own personal accounts for things that we want. Clothes come from the joint account because they're kind of a necessity in polite society, but if I want something fun of my own or a gift for him, I use my account.

Maggie0829 · January 2013

Your situation is why H and I have our own separate bank accounts along with a joint account for joint bills/house bills/large joint purchases.

I think your H and you need to have a serious talk. Like a PP said he may not even realize that he is nagging you about your purchases. But seeing that you are very responsible with your money and aren't in debt then he really doesn't have any right complaining that you bought a new pair of shoes this month. Now if you went a bought a new car without consulting him or a house or something else extremely large and expensive then yes I can see him getting upset.

RailWayWife · January 2013

No, we have a joint account and have Never fought about money. Getting a joint account was the best thing we ever did. We now both know where our money is going and how much we have.

achiduck · January 2013

H and I have a joint account that our paycheques go into and things like the mortgage, gas, groceries, car insurance, etc come out of. We also each get a set amount of spending money each month that is transferred to our personal accounts to do what we want with. We are not responsible to each other for this money and don't have to explain what we did with us (unless one of us runs short and needs extra - which has only happened once). So I guess to answer your question, I don't hide purchases from H but I also don't come home and advertise what I bought.

Bottom line is you two need to figure out how you're going to handle money sooner rather than later. Being constantly nagged is going to cause bigger problems in your relationship.

BostonGIrl4732 · January 2013

Right now things are separate for me and my FI. After we get married, things are going to be joint. We both spend money very differently, but that's OK. My FI asked me recently how much money I actually spend on myself (after a shopping trip - he was curious). I showed him the bank statements from the last two months just to prove a point. Shoes for our wedding and two dresses (for the holidays that I'll also wear throughout the year). That was it in the last two months. Everything else was food, gas, bills, or gifts for other people. He realized pretty quickly that I don't spend the same way he does and that I save up and splurge, while he tends to spend money on himself in smaller quantities (but it all adds up). I think we're going to work on a "fun money" thing per month (probably $200). That's just us though. Could you sit down with your hubby and show him where the money is going? Maybe it would work for you too.

Maggie0829 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_ever-hide-purchases-from-hubby?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:225b6af0-1269-4935-ac60-eaf2b46440cbPost:c770c24f-5375-453e-9125-117ead54b1a0">Re: Ever hide purchases from hubby?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ever hide purchases from hubby? : I disagree. Shoes can be very expensive. OP did not say how much she spent on the shoes. For all we know they could have been $700 shoes which would give him every right to complain since they haven't yet worked out fun money limits.
Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]

Ok, fine. OP how much exactly are you spending on fun items? Are you buying yourself Christian Louboutin shoes every month or are you going to Macy's and finding a nice pair of heels for $80 every now and then?

I still feel like, even with a joint account, not every purchase needs to be discussed. I would go crazy if I had to run buy every soda or panera sandwhich I bought with my H. It doesn't seem like OP is going out and spending every dime she makes on jewelry and shoes. She said herself that she is financially responsible and makes sure that all bills are paid on time every month.

OP, does your H go out and spend money without discussing it with you? If so, what type of things does he buy? Do they cost about the same as the things that you buy yourself? If you are both doing this, responsibly of course, then I do not see why he is nagging you about it.

Again, this is why I am for separate accounts. Money is a big factor in many fights and divorces so I believe in a ours, yours and mine type of relationship when it comes to money. We both contribute to our joing savings and checking with a pre-determined amount each pay period. Whatever is left over is ours and can be spent however each of us wishes. As long as both people are saving and contributing equally (or however determined) then I do not see anything wrong with buying some fun things every now and then.

Maggie0829 · January 2013

After re-reading her post, no where did she mention that she and her H hadn't discussed finances. Maybe they have. Maybe he is just a saver and hates when she buys anything.

In the end, I really think it comes down to trusting the person you are with. He needs to trust that she isn't going to make them bankrupt from buying herself an item or two and from her past financial history she provided she seems pretty smart and savy in that area.

She also noted that she is spending a little bit of "her own money" which makes me think that she isn't spending their joint money but rather her own money she has saved. Since it is her own money he really should not have any say in how she spends it.

I am not hell bent on proving her H wrong, but I do have my opinion of the situation. And I can only provide my opinon from what she provided.

I did say in my other posts that she should talk with her H about finance if they hadn't already so I am no way saying that she is right and to go about spending all the money she wants without any thought but I do think that she has a right to buy herself something every now and then if she can afford it.

bridalmarch · January 2013

We only have a joint checking account. I stay at home with our daughter PT and pick up some shifts at a baby boutique during the week, so I don't really contribute monetarily to the household. His paychecks go directly into our joint account, and we cash my checks for spending money, dates, or other fun things. We save up for those and if we can't pay cash, we don't get it.

ETA: I forgot the original question. I don't "hide" things,but I don't tally up all of my spending for him to see, either. If it's expensive, I'll check with him first (and he with me) but otherwise, no. If I'm going shopping I'll use cash so he knows exactly how much I'm spending. He's a sports nut so he's more likely to spend money on a round of golf than new pants or something, which he also uses cash for.

mcda04 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_ever-hide-purchases-from-hubby?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:225b6af0-1269-4935-ac60-eaf2b46440cbPost:6e677a32-4664-400b-930c-aa958229425f">Ever hide purchases from hubby?</a>:
[QUOTE]Does anyone ever hide purchases from hubby? I feel like he is constantely up my butt about things that buy. And before I start coming off as a shop-holic, let me tell you that I am 30 yrs old, have a really good job, have an 850 credit score, no debt, one credit card, one debit card, have a descent savings account, and pay all my bills off in full every month. So I do value the dollar and am really good with money. I dont own a lot of stuff, but now and then I like to treat myself to a new pair of shoes, jewelry, ect. Whenever he see's that I buy something he gets up my butt about it! He'll say things like "Another pair of shoes?" or "how much exactly did you spend on those?", ect. ect. I feel like it shouldn't be any of his business, and I hate having to defend myself everytime I spend a little bit of my own money. I think why I am angry about this is because my whole life my parents were the exact same way when I was growing up. They were the type of people that had really good jobs, but save and hoarded every single penny they earned, and we never went on vacations or had anything nice because they were alway so cheap. Now that I am an adult I shouldn't have to deal with this anymore. I am also mad at him tonight. Things usually bother me more when I am angry. Sigh.
Posted by Ginabean42712[/QUOTE]

No. We have a joint checking account so it'd be dumb if I "tried" to keep it from him, I do call him to INFORM him that I'm spending $50 on x,y,z. He doesn't really care when I spend it on myself but he's doesn't like it when I buy our kids super expensive clothes since they grow out of it way too quick.

We are also smart shoppers though, we only buy sale items and use coupon discounts as much as possible. I am now hooked on the discount websites like hautelook, beyondtherack, ideeli, ruelala, plndr, etc.... and I don't splurge every single month, I just browse on my free time and if I come across a sale I can't pass up, I just buy it. For example, last month, I bought some boots on rue la la for $50 and their regular price was $300+. Oh and before my online purchase, I'll google the item to confirm the "regular" price is correct and it's truely a deal.

Maggie0829 · January 2013

Yes but then there are some individuals that have $100,000 or more dollars in the bank and think that buying a $1 sandwhich at McD's is going to make them go bankrupt.

I am in no way saying "buy away". I am saying that since OP seems to be very good with money (I doubt she would have an 850 credit score if she wasn't) and values a dollar which she stated in her OP that she would go buck wild crazy with buying herself something every now and then.

I think that we need to agree to disagree on this situation because we both think differently when it comes to what the issue is.

What it comes down to, OP, is that if you haven't had a money talk with your H then you need to now. If you had and you are sticking to your agreement then you need to talk with your H about his nagging. If you aren't sticking to the agreement then you need to re-evalute your spending habits and adjust accordingly.

Ginabean42712 · January 2013

Thanks for all the responses! I am very reasonable with my purchases. I never spend more than $50 on a pair of shoes, and if I want something more expensive I will either ask him if I can buy them, or ask for them for my birthday/christmas. And as far as clothes, I wont spend mroe than 20-30 on a single item (Shirts, jeans, ect.).

He also has a second car, an old 1967 Nova, that he considers his 'baby' and works on restoring it most weekends. He is constantly buying parts on it, so his spending habbits are just the same as mine.

Clothes/shoes/fashion aren't a priority to him so he doesn't always understand why I want those things, as I have a pretty shitty car and don't understand why he puts so much money into his. I guess our priorities are just different, but I will have a talk with him.

Also I might add, I'm a runner and my ipod broke a few days before Christmas, so I've been running with my huge 10 year old portable cd player every day since then because I feel guilty spending money on a new ipod...haha!

pesematology · January 2013

My partner's only comment when I bought myself a kind of pricey dress this week was that he thought it was a well-earned reward for helping with his job search. And that's despite the fact that money is tight right now.

I don't really have any advice for you, I'm just gloating about having the best partner ever.

RamonaFlowers · January 2013

We keep a joint account for the bills (So we can both see that they're getting paid on time) and separate accounts for everyday/personal spending. As long as the bills are getting paid on time and we're not using credit cards to pay for stuff, we're pretty uninvolved in each other's "fun money".

But, because we aren't using credit cards and we have full disclosure on how all of the bills are being paid, it's not like we really have a reason to get all up in the other one's grill if they buy a new video game or pair of shoes or something. If I bought a new dress with my fun money, and then immediately had to take money out of our joint account because I couldn't afford to gas up my car that week, DH would be annoyed with me, and I feel he'd have the right to be.

Ever hide purchases from hubby?

Re: Ever hide purchases from hubby?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards