is love enough?

oo00oo · September 2010

I wouldn't say I'm a reg, but I do post sometimes so I made an AE because I don't want this to follow me since I really like you ladies.

FI proposed to me the day before he lost his job a year ago (Thursday will be exactly a year). It was no big deal since he was almost done with school, but he still hasn't found a job. He has been done with school since October and mostly sits home while I'm at school/work and plays online games. I can't say that he isn't looking for a job, but it seems like he's not THAT concerned with it. Now that he is so far behind on paying his child support, he is looking at having to go to court in October and possibly jail. I have given him all the money I can give to help him out, but I have to take care of myself and my bills.

Recently, him not having a job has been especially hard on our relationship because I am gone for a good chunk of the day and when I get home I don't feel like I should have to clean all evening, then cook, clean the kitchen, and then finally get around to my homework. I've tried to talk to him but it only helps for a day or so. I'm starting to resent him for it.

Don't get me wrong, he is a great guy and I love him so much. I'm justs really concerned with if he's ever going to get a real job or if he is just lazy. My mom (who adores FI) always told me that sometimes love isn't enough, but I haven't wanted to believe that. What do you think? Should I continue to wait it out?

ricksang · September 2010

He doesn't sound like that great of a guy. Sorry

I would not stay with a man who doesn't pay his child support or at least make a concrete effort to work. Basically, you are taking care of an adult child.

katiewhompus · September 2010

Honestly, he sounds a lot like my ex. He lost his internship with the CIA and spent more time playing video games than finding a job. This was before the economic crash too, so it's not the same job situation as now. I cooked, cleaned, and worked 14 hour days to pay for our rent and utilities.

I finally kicked him out when I realized that I was a working mom to a 23 year old boy and couldn't handle it.

I think you really need to sit down and tell him he needs to improve or you will be moving on. Yes you go through hard times, but this is not fair for you or a good indication for a future. He needs to realize how hard you are working and how much of a slacker he is. I didn't work over the summer (education) but you had better believe dishes were done, carpets were vacuumed and dinner was made.

So no, in my world love is not enough.

marisah83 · September 2010

In my opinion, if he is going to be home all day, the least he can do is clean and cook dinner. I know it is a tough economy and that jobs are hard to find, but the way you describe it sounds like he really isn't doing much. Do you think this "laziness" stems from his own frustration about finding a job, or do you think it is a character trait that will stick around? I would sit down and talk with him about the fact that his actions may land him in jail and may cause even more tension in your relationship. If he isn't willing to do anything about finding a job and taking care of his responsibilities, I think I would have to really reconsider if the relationship will last.

thesuninherhead · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_love-enough?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:370e31bb-a31f-4ad8-b01b-7ca6a50b8c04Post:c6b6017b-336b-43b2-af28-b5342944917c">is love enough?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't say I'm a reg, but I do post sometimes so I made an AE because I don't want this to follow me since I really like you ladies. FI proposed to me the day before he lost his job a year ago (Thursday will be exactly a year). It was no big deal since he was almost done with school, but he still hasn't found a job. He has been done with school since October and mostly sits home while I'm at school/work and plays online games. I can't say that he isn't looking for a job, but it seems like he's not THAT concerned with it. Now that he is so far behind on paying his child support, he is looking at having to go to court in October and possibly jail. I have given him all the money I can give to help him out, but I have to take care of myself and my bills. Recently, him not having a job has been especially hard on our relationship because I am gone for a good chunk of the day and when I get home I don't feel like I should have to clean all evening, then cook, clean the kitchen, and then finally get around to my homework. I've tried to talk to him but it only helps for a day or so. I'm starting to resent him for it. Don't get me wrong, he is a great guy and I love him so much. I'm justs really concerned with if he's ever going to get a real job or if he is just lazy. My mom (who adores FI) always told me that sometimes love isn't enough, but I haven't wanted to believe that. What do you think? Should I continue to wait it out?
Posted by oo00oo[/QUOTE] I'm sorry that you're in this position, but to answer your question, love is definitely not enough for a marriage to work. Love comes and goes. If you two cannot work as a team now and you feel as though you're pulling his weight to little effort from him, your resentment will continue to grow- and rightfully so. It may be that he has some depression as a result of his employment situation- and if you suspect that, talking to him about getting some help could be appropriate... but whatever the reasoning, what you're describing doesn't sound like a partnership, nor does it sound like the type of lifestyle that one should commit to forevermore. I'm sorry.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · September 2010

I know you love him... but for most people, when they're laid off, they actively pursue work and do whatever they can to fulfill their responsibilities. It doesn't sound like he's doing that, or making much of an effort.

He sounds like a sponge and you're letting him suck you dry.

I hope I don't offend you by saying what I have. But I ditto thesuninherhead - love is NOT enough to make a marriage work. It's a very important component, of course - but look at what you just wrote. This isn't okay.

He needs to shape up and get his life together, otherwise, he doesn't deserve you.

oo00oo · September 2010

I know he is depressed about not having a job yet, but I would think that would be more motivation to keep looking. Its so frustrating. He's so far behind on child support because it was being taken out of his paycheck, since he hasn't had one in quite a while I've paid it a few times but I can't pay it every month - I'm a full time student and barely make enough for us to survive. I've stopped with wedding plans (even though my parents are paying for the most of it) because I will not get married in this financial situation. Thanks for the advice so far.

edited for errors.

katiewhompus · September 2010

I think you definitely made a good call in stopping wedding plans. I know it's hard but that is the last thing you need right now.

I could see moping around for a little while, but a year is just too much. Would you be open to couple's counselling to see if you can get to the core of the issue?

I think at this point he needs to get any job, even if it's flipping burgers at McDonalds.

oo00oo · September 2010

that is exactly what I told him today, Katie. ANYTHING. I'd be open to counselling, but I seriously doubt he would though. He went through something very hard a few years ago (I've mentioned it before, so I don't want to give away who I am) and refused to get counselling then.

PharmacyBride · September 2010

Don't tolerate this behavior.. raising children with him will be a nightmare.

This isn't about having a job or not.. but about stepping up and doing your part to raise the family. He should get whatever job he could find, even if it was minimum wage. If he is at home.. he should do all the work around the house.

You two are partners now (I think it starts at the engagement if not before) so you should support each other in various ways. He isn't supporting you now and I think it is a preview of the rest of your life.

My advice.. lay it out for him. Tell him you are considering leaving him. Let him know how serious you are and how much this matters to you. Give him the chance to step up. If he chooses not to, or his actions only last a few days, consider it his decision to not stay with you and leave him. (Who knows, he may surprise you- sometimes people need a kick in the ass to get going- maybe he's slightly depressed and low on energy/motivation as a result.)

I hope he grows up!

I am sorry you are going through this!

AllAboutTheBenjamin · September 2010

Yeah - I agree with KatieWhompus - desperate times mean you have to sacrifice your dignity for a while and get any job you can while you look for a better one.

Maybe his depression about not having a job is actually hindering his motivation. You know, like a slippery slope. He may need something else to motivate him, since he's spiraling into a really deep financial hole that he may perceive to be too difficult to get out of.

katiewhompus · September 2010

I think this might be a good time to give an ultimatum. Let him know that you can no longer make ends meet with your current finances and will be moving to a more affordable place (if you need to, it sounds like it might help). He has X amount of months to get a job, any job, or else you will be moving alone. Once he gets a job then you can talk about repairing the relationship (if that is what you decide you want to do).

Breaking up with my ex was really hard, even with everything wrong. It really took Scott and my friends kicking me in the asss to really see what I was going to be in for for the rest of my life to want to make a change.

*hugs*

thesuninherhead · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_love-enough?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:370e31bb-a31f-4ad8-b01b-7ca6a50b8c04Post:998c4e5e-d06b-4eb3-9fb0-9963b38f7466">Re: is love enough?</a>:
[QUOTE]that is exactly what I told him today, Katie. ANYTHING. I'd be open to counselling, but I seriously doubt he would though. He went through something very hard a few years ago (I've mentioned it before, so I don't want to give away who I am) and refused to get counselling then.
Posted by oo00oo[/QUOTE]If he is not open to counselling and is unwilling to change, you need to lay down boundaries and make it clear that his behaviour is unacceptable and you cannot continue to compromise your happiness in this way. Depression or not, you can't continue to enable him in this manner- it does more harm than good for both of you. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind- even though it's hard to do.

oo00oo · September 2010

I've been thinking about doing that. It's just really hard to come right out and say it because I know it would hurt him (obviously that's not my intentions). I know its hard to find a job right now, but a year and he can't even get a part time/minimum wage type of job?
Thanks for all of your support though.

katiewhompus · September 2010

Just remember the cardinal rule of discussions.

I feel, I need, I am seeing.

I cannot make ends meet with my current job. I need you to help me support us, and to support your family. I feel like you are not trying as hard to get a job. I know it's a tough economy but all I am seeing is that you are sitting at home, while I am being the adult in the relationship.

It's better for him to hear this conversation now, than to have it 10 years from now. I also think if he's at least trying then it will help you feel better about the situation. There's a big difference with someone applying for 10 jobs a day and not having a job, then a person applying for 1 job a month and not having a job.

pirategal03 · September 2010

You don't want to hurt him, and that's understandable, but he's hurting you, right? You said yourself that you're beginning to resent him because of his actions. It's time to come clean and be honest. Use your "I" and "me" sentences. "I'm feeling stressed because..." "I'm worried because..." "I can not do xyz because..."

Relationships are work. He should be willing to talk with you and work with you. If not, he's not really willing to have an adult relationship with you.

[Deleted User] · September 2010

Nope. Not cool at all. The fact that he doesn't pay his child support is a major problem. He should be taking any job he can so that he can make sure that his responsibilities to his children are met first and foremost. There's just no excuse for that.

I'm sure he's dealing with his own issues from being out of work for so long, but you having to come home and clean the house while he's been playing games all day long, is just not cool at all.

I don't know whether or not love is enough in your particular situation, but there would be some major changes necessary for me to feel right marrying a man that behaved this way.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I wish you all the best.

ExpatPumpkin · September 2010

No, love is not enough. As the other posters have already pointed out, you have to work as a team. And it sounds like he's not pulling his weight.

Aside from your current problems, what happens if you have a child together? Sorry, but he already has a family that he's neglected. He should be delivering pizzas and/or newspapers, mowing lawns, and doing odd jobs to pay his child support. If that were the only problem, it would be a dealbreaker for me. Sorry

lixiechick · September 2010

Remember - everything is easier said than done (or posted than done).

Just go with your gut - if you think he'll get through this, then stick it out.

If your gut is telling you to jump ship, then rip that bandaid off as best you can.

Good luck, lady bird!

reddy123 · September 2010

Have you seen him work hard at a job? Is he the type of person who has an excellent work ethic no matter what job he takes on?

If the answers are yes, I would use that in the discussion you have with him. "I've seen you work hard before, we need to get you back to that stage, what has changed?"

If the answers are no, you need to not worry about hurting his feelings and be a blunt as possible with the points that katie was mentioning above. He needs a reality check into adult living and adult relationships (two separate things, but very connected)

Blueyed228 · September 2010

I have zero tolerence for people (men in particular) who dont work.

People who dont pay their child support are gross.

Get a job, you made a baby and owe it to that child to provide for it.

I would worry that once you are married and wanted a baby, how would you be able to take care of it? Do you really want to be working 9 months pregnant? Or 4 weeks after you deliever? Not cool.

ETA: Tell him to sell that gaming system. That should pay a few months child support.

ExpatPumpkin · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_love-enough?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:370e31bb-a31f-4ad8-b01b-7ca6a50b8c04Post:ff51072d-6d3a-4b58-884d-8c3f97ed9ef2">Re: is love enough?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have zero tolerence for people (men in particular) who dont work. People who dont pay their child support are gross. Get a job, you made a baby and owe it to that child to provide for it. I would worry that once you are married and wanted a baby, how would you be able to take care of it? Do you really want to be working 9 months pregnant? Or 4 weeks after you deliever? Not cool.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

Ditto, ditto, and ditto. Sorry, but he's already shown how he handles the responsibility of having kids. Do you really want to end up in his ex's shoes?

oo00oo · September 2010

reddy- when we started dating he was at the same job that he lost right before we got engaged and had been there since right out of high school (about 3 years), he worked hard (from what I understand) but had a major dispute about having his hours cut then called into work 3 days in a row at the last minute, ending result was him being terminated.

blue- i completely get what you're saying. COMPLETELY. if I were reading this about someone else, I'd say he was a dead beat skeez... it's not that he doesn't want to pay his child support, i think thats been the hardest part on him. he doesn't ge to see her often (when his ex left, she moved across country) but she is the light of his life. That was the reason I was paying his child support when he first lost his job, so he could see her during his visitation time. But I am completely with you on the fact that "you made a baby, you owe it to her to provide".

Blueyed228 · September 2010

Sounds like the 2 of you need to have a serious talk.

jasmineh7777 · September 2010

You've gotten some great advice.

You can love someone who does not treat you as you deserved to be treated. You are supporting him and he is not contributing financially or at home. He is also not taking care of his responsibilities to his child.

If he really wanted to pay that child support, he would be working anywhere- McDonalds, Walmart, anywhere. He wants to pay it so long as he doesn't have to take a crappy job, or so it appears.

I understand that you don't want to hurt him. Yet, you need to stand up for yourself. He is taking advantage of you. I really like Katie's suggestion as to how to approach the conversation.

Best of luck. I hope he mans up and you guys get things worked out.

oo00oo · September 2010

Yes, Jas, I have gotten some great advice - I knew I would here

Thanks for the support. I am planning on having the talk with him tomorrow. I plan on giving him 2 months to get a job - any job. Do you think thats enough time (I know some places can take longer, but if he's in the hiring process in 2 months I'll probably wait to see what happens)?

jasmineh7777 · September 2010

I don't know where you are, but I'd say two months is more than enough time to at least find something. I think you do need to be firm with that timeline though, so he knows you are serious.

I do want you to know that I don't think your relationship is doomed or anything. A lot of couples have hard times like this, and once he knows you're really serious, it just may kick his butt in to gear.

ExpatPumpkin · September 2010

Is he going to have to go to jail in October or not?

I really hate to be the downer here, but the facts speak for themselves:

He didn't pay his child support to the extent that he's FACING JAIL TIME. I mean, what does it take to get this guy off the couch? If a sense of responsibility to his daughter isn't enough to make him take any job, isn't impending jail time sufficient motivation?

If you - a working student!!! - hadn't paid his child support for him some of these months, wouldn't he already be in jail?

oo00oo · September 2010

He won't go to jail in October (at least from what we've been told). The state that his ex wife and daughter live in just handed the child support over to the state we are in, so from what I understand (and could be off some because I have no idea how these things work), he will go to court in October, from that day he has 30 days to come up with at least half of the child support (roughly $800) he owes, if he doesn't, his drivers license is suspended and he has another 30 days to come up with the full amount, if he doesn't then he gets another court date, if he doesnt have it then he goes to jail.

npasquale16 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_love-enough?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:370e31bb-a31f-4ad8-b01b-7ca6a50b8c04Post:3d26d2bd-167d-47ee-83b8-cb32780d4797">Re: is love enough?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, Jas, I have gotten some great advice - I knew I would here :) Thanks for the support. I am planning on having the talk with him tomorrow. I plan on giving him 2 months to get a job - any job. Do you think thats enough time (I know some places can take longer, but if he's in the hiring process in 2 months I'll probably wait to see what happens)?
Posted by oo00oo[/QUOTE]
I really feel bad for your situation, but my advice would be to cut your losses.

Honestly, he doesn't even take care of his own child. Can you say he'd do better for you if you were unemployed? Pregnant? Sick? If he won't even get off of his ass to support his own daughter (when he's facing JAIL TIME no less), I can't really see him picking up the slack if something happened to you.

Everyone goes through ups and downs, but this really seems excessive. You work, go to school, and manage to function like an adult and he stays home and plays video games? He allows you to support his daughter financially (when you can afford to send in payments for him). I know that you love him, but you really need to look at the bigger picture here. Marriage is a team effort and it seems like you are doing all of the work.

vegasgroom · September 2010

If he was having child support taken out of his pay check, that means he was already skipping out on it before he lost his job; courts don't garnish your wages until you've shown your a douche and aren't going to pay reliably. Between that and the fact that he's not making a concerted effort to find new work when he has a kid to support, he sounds like a loser. If a human being he helped to create doesn't get his attention, what makes you think down the road that you'll do any better than his kid? I'd say time to cut your losses.

is love enough?

Re: is love enough?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards