Do I have a best friend? Who will be my Maid of Honor?

abugg · April 2010

My fiance and I are having a short engagement and I'm having a hard time making decisions (I always do...). I need to pick a MOH before it's too late, but I can't, for the life of me, figure out who. I'm not planning on including the others in a wedding party. it's going to be a MOH and my sister. Basically, I don't feel particularly close to anyone besides my fiance at the moment, but I have friends that I love and would like to share this with. I don't want more than two in my wedding party, so the others would just be guests...

1. Miranda. A good friend (former roommate) who has a bad history with my sister and possibly my family. Haven't talked to her very often since moving out, but only because we're apart. She would be very helpful and creative while planning a wedding. We've been through a lot together.

2. Sara. A friend I see often (we go to school together) who knows my fiance and I relatively well (probably better than other friends), but we haven't had personal time in a long time. She didn't seem thrilled when I announced our engagement. I still enjoy her company, but she may be too busy. She knows the Best Man and they mesh well. She was my first friend when I came to college.

3. Sarah. A long-term friend that I talk to every six months or so. We always enjoy each other. She's incredibly sweet and always helpful. We haven't been in close contact in years, but she has at least met my fiance. Because of conflicting travel plans, we won't be able to get together to do anything until about a week before the wedding, unless I get to ask her soon and our schedules line up during the next couple of weeks. The good thing is, I'm not planning a very elaborate wedding because of the short engagement party and I don't really want a bachelorette party or bridal shower.

4. Amanda. A good long-term friend. We always have fun together, but maybe aren't very "close." She'd be incredibly willing to help and I would love to have her, but she's planning her own wedding right now.

Any thoughts???

andy71781 · April 2010

I feel kinda weird making this personal decision but I'd go with (#1). My best friends live all over the country and my BM in DC has been the most instrumental in my planning. My MOH is also planning her wedding right now which is why I'd stay away from (#4) because it can get a little sticky - even when you all love each other.

mbcdefg · April 2010

It sounds like yoru main concern with all of these girls would be their willingness and availability to help you plan the wedding.

MOH is not required to help you plan the wedding, and that should not be the criteria when choosing your MOH. The MOH should be your closest friend. No matter where she lives, no matter what's going on in her life at the moment, no matter how willing or able she may be to help (or not).

If you cannot definitively say that one of these girls is your best friend, then you probably shouldn't pick one at random to be the MOH. You do not need a Maid of Honor. It is a totally optional role in one's wedding. People who want to help you out will volunteer their services, whether they're the MOH or a bridesmaid or not even in the wedding. If they are not interested in helping you plan, then they won't do it even if you ask them to be MOH. The MOH title does not magically change people's personalities.

The person most interested in my wedding plans and who most wanted to talk abotu them was a lady at work whose daughter is marrying soon (and the lady wasn't even invited to my wedding), and the person who was most helpful on my wedding day was the Best Man's FI (who was not a bridesmaid, although she did one of our readings). My mom, I found out after the fact, was the one who volunteered to throw a shower; DH's cousin and aunt helped out with some things; my sister/MOH put together a bachelorette. But they all volunteered. I didn't ask any of them for those things, and I didn't pick my sister as MOH because I figured that she'd be the best and most helpful planner ... I picked her because she's my sister.

Just tell them that you love them all equally and will not pick and choose among them, and they are all your bridesmaids. The "duties" of a Maid of Honor consist of standing next to you in the ceremony, holding your bouquet and FI's ring, maybe giving a toast, and signing the license. You can divvy up those things during the rehearsal amongst the four of them, according to what's easier or who prefers to do what.

gottahavashorti · April 2010

If you don't know in an instant who your MOH should be, have them all be bridesmaids. A MOH is not required. If you do have a BM, the MOH doesn't have to get along well with him, it's just a walk down the aisle.

The bridal party is also not required to help with anything, so keep that in mind while you're planning. Their obligations are to show up clean and sober in the requested attire within reason, walk down the aisle, stand or sit quietly during the ceremony and smile for pictures. Anyone can throw you a bachelorette or shower (you can't ask for one, but you can turn them down if you wish). While the bridal party often does throw parties and help with wedding projects, it should not be required or expected.

CA2MT4EveR · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-will-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:792a9d1b-6532-48c7-a1b5-40ad739d01cdPost:0354a5ec-aed6-46da-9dde-30036f6ce74b">Re: Do I have a best friend? Who will be my Maid of Honor?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you don't know in an instant who your MOH should be, have them all be bridesmaids. A MOH is not required. If you do have a BM, the MOH doesn't have to get along well with him, it's just a walk down the aisle. The bridal party is also not required to help with anything, so keep that in mind while you're planning. Their obligations are to show up clean and sober in the requested attire within reason, walk down the aisle, stand or sit quietly during the ceremony and smile for pictures. Anyone can throw you a bachelorette or shower (you can't ask for one, but you can turn them down if you wish). While the bridal party often does throw parties and help with wedding projects, it should not be required or expected.
Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]

This

mrsredmoose · April 2010

I think you're okay not having a MOH and asking them all to be bridesmaids.
I agree with pps, don't ask with any expectations. Ask who you love and want standing beside you that day.

CTGirl30 · April 2010

Don't choose a MOH on the basis of proximity or who you think will be most available to help you plan or host parties. You would chose a MOH based on whom you feel your closest friend is. If you can't choose one person, don't have a MOH - have all the girls be BMs. That's what I did - I have a group of very close friends whom I love equally and I couldn't choose between them so I didn't.

They discussed amongst themselves who would like to speak at the reception to give the toast even though they all collaborated on the toast. The lineup for the ceremony will be determined by height. They are listed in the program alphabetically by last name. My 2 aunts hosted a shower for me with the help of the BMs. (And showers or bach parties are not mandatory, nor are they the sole responsibiilty of honor attendants - anyone except the bride can host these events). There's plenty of ways to have a wedding w/o a MOH designation.

i think if you can't automatically think of the 1 or 2 people who are your best friends (you could have co-MsOH if you wanted also) then don't randomly pick. Have them all be equal as BMs in that case. That's totally fine.

aecappelli · April 2010

I posted a similar situation a few weeks ago, I also have not decided on a MOH. I have a few very close friends as well. I received many of the same responses as you did. After reading everyone's advice, I agree that it isn't a bad idea to have co-MOHs or maybe no maid of honor. However, since then, I am also considering asking my brother to stand up as my man of honor! We are super close (even though he lives in Arizona now), and these days anything goes! Hope this is helpful!

CTGirl30 · April 2010

You raise a good point, aecappelli.

OP - your attendants don't have to be female. If you have a very close male friend or brother whom you'd like to honor, they could certainly stand on your side as well. You aren't limited to only women on your side. Just sayin'. And to reiterate, you don't have to ask anyone to be "Maid" or "Man" of Honor if it's too difficult to decide. It should be easy to think of one or two people whom you are closest to friendship-wise. If not...skip the "Honor" designation for your attendants and consider them all equals.

katieanne85 · April 2010

Maid of honor is an honorific anyway, it has no practical application unless you assign an application to it (not a great idea, many brides take the maid part litterally) just honor them all

Do I have a best friend? Who will be my Maid of Honor?

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