Before or after?

57rainbows · December 2011

Ladies, as experienced military wives and/or brides going through this...

If you had to choose between getting married a few months before a deployment, or a few months after, which would you choose? We do not live together and are not intimate, if that matters. I think it'd be a bummer to start married life with him away, but it might be even more of a bummer to get married after we've been apart so long and are trying to reconnect + plan a wedding + do the newlywed thing. You know?

We'd probably get married and have a weekend getaway before, then a bigger honeymoon vacation when he returns, if we do it before.

If after, then we'd have to figure out how many months we wanted to allow ourselves for re-connect time (and just-in-case-he's-delayed time) and live separately until that date, then we could do the wedding and honeymoon.

What thinketh you? Currently I'm leaning towards doing it before. That's his choice too, and many people I've talked to say the same thing. My biggest concern I guess is that I dont' want our wedding to be something that feels rushed, laced with disappointment (either because we won't get to do some nice stuff, or just because we'll be thinking about his impending deployment throughout), or that it'd be like starting off on the wrong foot and we'd spend years making up for that somehow. Anyway. Please let me know.

(and obviously I can't provide more specific information about dates)

Beachy730 · December 2011

How long have you been together? Have you been through a deployment before?

My immediate advice is to do it after. I don't know your situation, but as someone who will have spent 10 months together at our 2 year wedding anniversary, I will say that it's not fun. Take a few months when he gets back, and then plan your wedding when you can have some time enjoying being newlyweds with eachother.

kyrgyzstan · December 2011

I would choose neither. I would wait longer than a few months after the deployment. Maybe 6 months or so.

H and I set our date when he was non-deployable, and thought (to both of our disappointment) that he was staying that way. When his orders were changed to a deployable unit, we were ecstatic that he'd get to actually deploy, but it ended up being a little over two months before he left. It kind of sucked, because literally four days after the wedding, he was gone for pre-deployment training for a month. I dealt with it, because we've been together for three and a half years, and living together for much of that. If I hadn't been living with him, I really think it might have been super difficult for me to get married, have him leave for a month less than a week later, come back for a month and change, and then leave again. As it is, we're both handling this pretty well, but this is not his first deployment, nor is it the first one I've dealt with, we're older, 27 & 29 (that's huge because when we were younger, deployments equaled melodrama), we lived together for more than a year beforehand, etc. I cannot imagine getting married, moving in together for a month or so, and then he goes. I really can't. As it is now, even with my handling it well (and I think I am), I am sad that our first year will be apart (if I get the job I want, I'll be leaving just after he gets home). I see my knot countdown "days since your wedding", and I'm kind of bummed it hasn't been together newlywed time. We'll take a honeymoon later and all, but it won't really be the same. I'm okay with that, but I'm not sure I would be in your shoes, since you've never lived together.

He can absolutely make it so you are the recipient of his SGLI (life insurance), pay, etc. (everything but remains) BEFORE you are married, so that should not come into play. He can take care of you legally if something awful happens while he's gone. Very many units are finally getting into their heads that rushed marriages are bad for morale, and so they too are encouraging people to wait, and wonderfully, this means that girlfriends/fiancees can and are being included in things by the Family Readiness Officers/Groups. Have him talk to his to get you put in the loop.

Good luck, and I truly hope you listen to what I've had to say. I want the best for all service members, and I think going through a deployment together prior to marriage is important for a successful military marriage.

SamiJoeB · December 2011

As my ticker says, my 1st anniversary is coming up, and I have spent 2 weeks with my H this year. He's forward deployed (stationed overseas on unaccompanied orders). He comes home in a few months, and his new unit is being deployed soon there after... So I'm like Beach in that at our 2 year anniversary we will have probably spend only a couple of months together. That's the reality of marriage in the military.

Honestly, I would say wait.. use wedding planning as a distraction from missing him while he's deployed.. But don't try to plan it for the minute he gets back either because dates with deployment can and often do change. I would aim for 3-5 months after his projected return date.. He'll be able to call and email while deployed (not frequently mind you) so you can send him pictures and talk about things, but I would caution you against monopolizing the conversation with wedding planning when he does get to call.. Maybe if you do decide to wait, sit down with your FI and talk about how you both see your wedding. Write things down so that you don't lose sight of what you both want. Also, make sure that you get military clauses in ALL of your contracts!!!

Ditto what Stan said about making you a beneficiary. There's absolutely no reason to rush into marriage just because he's being deployed. NO Legitimate Reason.

kara811 · December 2011

Before answering your question, like the others, I'd like to know first if you've been through a deployment before. If this is your first time going through it, I highly recommend waiting until after he gets back, and not just a few months like Stan said, people need the time to readjust to regular life after such a long deployment. I don't know what branch your FI is in, but sometimes it also helps knowing which one it is.

With that said, H and I were engaged for a year and a half and got married a few months before a supposed deployment. We didn't anticipate being engaged that long but had to change our date around a few times due to schedule changes. We had to choose a time we knew would work out best for us since he's gone for half the year every single year, it made choosing a date quite difficult.

Our entire first month of marriage was a bit of a mess and quite stressful, and we were separated for a few months after that too since he was deployed, you just never know what the military will throw at you. You see, H was stationed in Japan, and when the earthquake/tsunamis and nuclear problems hit, many things changed, especially their ship's schedule and people were literally very panicked at the time since nobody really knew what anyone were supposed to do. Their entire schedule changed, then things calmed down and it went back to normal. Thinking back to it, I think we handled the situation quite well, in situation like these, you just have to go with it, suck it up and move on with life. I always just think to myself that we were lucky our wedding was a week before the quakes hit, because if it hadn't been, we wouldn't have even been able to get married.

We're together again now and at a new duty station stateside, it's been amazing getting to spend all this time together finally, but it's also an adjustment since we never really lived together beforehand. Although, for our 2nd year of marriage, we know that we won't be spending much of it together at all since H will be on deployment again, it won't be fun to say the least, but we have to deal with it and we're okay with that.

Whether you choose to get married before or after a deployment, things may change quickly, so always be prepared for anything. Like Sami said, get those military clauses in your contracts. Planning a wedding is a very good distraction from a deployment. I still do recommend that you wait after though, especially if you haven't been through a deployment yet.

ggirl2001 · December 2011

My answer depends on the same questions. Have you been through a deployment before etc?

In that, My H and I got married a few weeks after he returned through deployment (his dates for deployment are usually a bit more concrete). We chose to wait, not rush the wedding, save for the wedding we wanted, and have me stay home with friends and family while he was deployed. While he was gone, I was looking for a jobs at his duty station. I ended up obtaining one while he was deployed, and moved before he got back from his deployment.

I recommend waiting, go through the deployment, let him come back and adjust, and then get married.

I also would like to know how long the deployment is, and where. For example, my H wasn't deployed to a combat zone, so his readjustment is a heck of a lot different than somebody in the middle east. He just missed being in the states basically, so for us it was relatively easy to settle into life together.

BinxRose · December 2011

I know a lot of ladies say you should go through a deployment together first. And if he plans on staying in for quite a few more years, or making it career, I completely agree. It's a lifestyle you will have to be sure you can handle. In my case, however, we started officially dating right after he returned from his first deployment. And his contract is up just a few months after his next deployment. Our first deployment together will also be his last. Therefore, we don't see the need to wait. We will be getting married before his next deployment. But FTR, we've already been living together for a year, and have known each other since middle school. So like the other ladies here, my answer to you really depends!

57rainbows · December 2011

First deployment, and most likely not a career choice. Might fit in one more before his contract is up, not sure. So it could be his last.

I'm surprised that you all said wait because everyone else, including some older military wives, have said do it first. It's going to be hard to be apart whether we're married or not, and just because we wait for this deployment doesn't mean we'll have a newlywed year together. He could be sent again at any time, on equally short notice as this one.

SamiJoeB, I don't think that just because he can set up his finances means there's NO legitimate reason to do it before. Finances aren't my concern, and it's not rushing into a marriage it's just moving up the date. We'd already made the decision to be married, it's only a matter of when we do it.

Thanks for your thoughts ladies, I have so much to think about right now. Yuck.

Irishcurls · December 2011

I find it hard to believe 100% of the ladies here said wait and 100% of ladies elsewhere said don't wait.

ggirl2001 · December 2011

Ok, but I dont understand why the need to rush it? If the deployment wasn't happening when would you have gotten married? Being married will change absolutely nothing about the deployment. I also think that while he is deployed you could keep yourself busy planning wedding things too.

kara811 · December 2011

OP, you're confusing me a bit now too, I don't know if it's just my lack or sleep or whatnot.. Does it even matter what date you get married? I just don't see the point of moving it up a few months, he'll go on deployment no matter what.

crownsuperstar · December 2011

We are spending our first year apart too. We didn't plan our wedding based on his deployment. It sort of happened like this: we got engaged in July of last year and we talked and wanted a spring wedding so we picked a day and month and got all of the vendors and everything set.

Well such is life he move to a new unit because of the type of job that was open and he loves that type of work. Any way just a few short weeks after moving into the new unit they found out they were next up for deployment. We decided to keep everything the way it was and still get married with the looming deployment soon after the wedding. This is our first deployment for us a a couple as he was back stateside for almost two years. I have stayed put in my job so I am keeping busy. He has a wonderful commander and she spent many days talking to me as did he about what to expect and other things.

I am getting through this as I am still working in a job I love and still live very close to all of my friends and family which makes this deployment much easier as my support system is just minutes away. I will be honest and say I am not sure that I would be able do adjust so quickly if I was not around my family and friends. I know that is something that I will not have so close by in the future since H is on the promotion list and he has made the military a career. He has way too many years in to get out now and he likes what he does. (If that makes any sense)

Was this how I wanted to spend the first year of marriage? No

I am not saying you should wait and I am not saying that you should jump right into marriage. For us it was the right decision to go ahead with the wedding because we had already planned it and it had nothing to do with the looming deployment. We would have gotten married that month regardless. If you know what I mean. Again it was our personal choice that may not be right for everyone. I will admit that it does suck big time not getting that newlywed year but such is life and we are getting through it.

Good luck with everything. There are some wonderful ladies that give great advise here. Don't be afraid to ask any questions.

kara811 · December 2011

If his schedule just changed dramatically, it may very well change again. If it was us, we would just pick a date that would work best with the schedule. I wouldn't want to risk the schedule changing again so close to the wedding, so the best bet would be to wait until after the deployment, not just a few months maybe like 6 months after. At least this way you'll know for sure that they will be back here and will likely be able to get time off.

Am I making sense here? lol

calindi · December 2011

I mean, I know what the ladies are saying - that a deployment can change the dynamic of a relationship, and sometimes it can change people, so it's best to weather one before getting married if possible. Since it's a "right before or right after" situation, I'd rather have a few months after as planning a wedding is a good distraction, and most guys don't seem to want to participate in it much anyway.

That said, I won't go through a deployment before we get married, either. It could easily be another 4-5 years before FI gets a chance to deploy, so it made no sense for us to wait as we will have been together 4 years by the time we get married. So I get that it isn't a rushed thing you're trying to squeeze in before he deploys - you were already planning to get married, and the deployment falls right in between your planned time frame.

My vote would also be to wait. However, if you can plan the wedding you'd want before he goes (and remember, it might be harder for him to get leave leading up to a deployment, so it's unlikely you'd get a honeymoon before he goes) and that's what you want to do, you could do that. The benefit would be that you guys would make a little bit more money while he's gone that you could put into savings for a nice reunion vacation when he gets back to makeup for missing a honeymoon. But then again, if you wait, you can actually enjoy a honeymoon right after your wedding. I think personally I'd have a hard time getting married and then be immediately separated. I'd rather look forward to the wedding AND his return at the same time so it doesn't feel like I'm constantly waiting for something.

You guys are going to do what's right for you, but those are the thoughts I'd have in your situation. Good luck either way!

ggirl2001 · December 2011

Ok, I guess it depends on whether or not you want to rush and plan a wedding or take longer to plan a wedding? I had a similar option and I chose to weight. I spent his time away planning the wedding, looking for jobs at his duty station, and being with family and friends. If we had rushed the wedding and then I had to move, that's stress that wouldn't have been needed. I, personally, would wait. I enjoyed the time planning and not rushing. I know beachy moved her wedding up, and planned quickly so it can be done. Also, remember date change and leave might be difficult before the wedding. Another factor to consider. Edit*wait not weight. Fail.

AmandaSC1988 · December 2011

Well, I am not going to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. I really don’t like even speculating on what I think you should do! Every relationship is different…but I was very very much in your situation a few months ago. My FI and I have been together for about 3.5 years, 2 of those years have been long distance (see each other once a month or every other month), and it hasn’t all been military caused long distance.
After getting engaged, we had set a date in summer 2012, a few months later he found out he was going on long cruise during that time. So we were left with the choice of either before or after the deployment. I sat on deciding what to do for over a month, weighing the pros and cons of both scenarios. I know it isn’t advised on this board, but we decided to do the Wedding before the deployment, it just seemed like the best choice for us all things considered. It actually turned out being the better option because his dates got pushed back and our “after” date (which was a couple months after he was to get back) was actually at the end of his deployment.

On the other hand, we made the choice to change dates when we still had over 9 months to plan our current wedding. Nothing is rushed and I am not going to feel like I missed out on our “perfect wedding.” Additionally, His “deployment” is only at most about 6 months; while it IS a long time, it isn’t a year like some deployments.

We can’t decide for you! You need to talk with your FI, family and other people that you trust to figure out for yourself.

LuluP82 · December 2011

I think how old you are and how long you've been together affects the answer for me, as well as if you've ever been apart as if he's been deployed.

Like Calindi, I didn't go through a deployment with my H before we got married, because of his MOS, he wasn't eligible to deploy for awhile (even now, he won't be until next year). We'd been together for 4.5 years when we got married, though, and we're older (late twenties/thirties, we didn't even meet until our mid-twenties). We also went through OCS and TBS together, where he was gone forever it seemed like, with little communication with the outside world; and we lived apart for some time during our dating phase, when I was working abroad. We'd lived together for 2 years before we got engaged, too.

If I were you, I'd wait. And that's just because, mentally, I think I'd want something to do/look forward to while H was gone. I have a demanding job, and I also stayed near friends and such when he was at OCS and TBS, but it was nice to have the wedding planning as a distraction, too. I don't think financially it makes a huge difference if he's married or not, and like everyone said already, you will be included in communications and he can make you his beneficiary, etc if he so chooses even if you're engaged.

The first year of marriage is hard; it was hard for me, and very little changed other than my last name (we had shared finances before marriage, lived together, etc.); I think it will be an especially tough adjustment for you since you haven't lived together or been intimate. It's a lot of changes in a very short amount of time. It would suck to have a wedding and then be separated. I'd wait the extra 10 months, and then be able to do the wedding/honeymoon/first home together stuff with my husband.

57rainbows · December 2011

I know, I didn't expect that either. I've had a couple people who didn't offer an opinion on what was best and everyone else said do it first. Ladies and men btw but that probably isn't significant. I was going to go ahead and do it first but I wanted to talk to a larger group of military brides first (here) before deciding for sure... now I feel very lost. :-/

57rainbows · December 2011

We were already planning a wedding, it was just going to be later than this one would be. About four months different. If we were just dating I wouldn't rush the decision to get married; no way! But we were already in the process. The difference is, a) it'd be several months sooner [and only a few months away], and b) he'd be leaving right afterwards. We are choosing between moving up the wedding about four months and being married before he leaves, or holding it off about ten months depending on how long after deployment we wait.

Maybe I didn't make that clear before, sorry about that. Not thinking real straight right now.

ggirl2001 · December 2011

Would you be moving far? Or do you live near each other now? Would you get married and wait to move after he deploys? How long have you been planning your wedding thus far?

57rainbows · December 2011

The date matters because the original date won't work now, we have to set a new date for either before or after. we thought it would be well before, but his schedule changed dramatically.

We are 40min apart right now. When we get married I would move to where he is. If we do get married before I'd move and stay at the new house. It's in a better neighborhood than where I am now, and that way he woul d have a home to come back to. We have been engaged since Nov 6ish and planning on it since before that.

Does that answer everyone's questions? Hope it helps clarify.

Irishcurls · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_before-after?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:f8a1e2cf-74ff-440e-99c0-9f1635a9ab5bPost:759d8757-f65a-4abf-952a-364e5214116a">Re: Before or after?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Before or after? : random: Every single person in H's squadron told us to get a JOP before deployment [last year] if we didn't have time to plan a wedding and have the "real wedding" later. Every. Single. Person.
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]
Hey lady!!! I guess I'm glad I never had to ask anyone that then <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

aykayp · December 2011

Best advice I was ever given:

If it feels right to marry before, do it.
If you both want to wait it out, wait.

=]

Beachy730 · December 2011

We bumped up our wedding from New Years Eve to July, but it wasn't because of a deployment. I originally had planned on moving with H when he PCSed and getting married a few months later. When we found out in February that we were moving to the other side of the country (from NY to WA) we bumped up the wedding to before the move to make it easier. At the time we had no idea about the deployment schedule he would have. As it turns our they were deployed soon after moving, so a little over a month after the wedding, and he would have been deployed for our original date had we not changed it. Honestly OP I think age has a lot to do with it. H and I were both 26 when we got married and knew a lot more about ourselves and what we wanted and how we would handle deployments. Our first deployment was after the wedding because we both knew me well enough to know I could handle it. I have to tell you though that even as strong as I know I am, this schedule has been hellish and extremely difficult. He is now on another deployment less than 8 months after getting back from the last one, and went out 3 different times in between for a total of about 3 months. H and I have both seen countless marriages crumble to an end in this time frame because people just can't handle it. The difference between us and the people you're talking to in real life is that they are probably looking at it short term. Some people think the extra couple hundred dollars a month is worth way more than it actually is, and think the status of "military wife" earns more respect than fiance or girlfriend. A large chunk of military marriages are rushed into because of these reasons, and many times these are the same marriages that make up the drastically high divorce rate in the military. Rushing and getting married before the deployment offers instant gratification for some, but doesn't guarantee a lifelong marriage. Obviously no marriage is guaranteed, but in the military it's even less. Basically OP you and your FI need to decide what is right for you, not what is right for anyone else.

firsttimersluck · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_before-after?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:f8a1e2cf-74ff-440e-99c0-9f1635a9ab5bPost:bb948507-ed3a-4ba0-b227-6dbb79708f1c">Re: Before or after?</a>:
[QUOTE]I find it hard to believe 100% of the ladies here said wait and 100% of ladies elsewhere said don't wait.
Posted by Irishcurls[/QUOTE]

<div>random:</div><div>Every single person in H's squadron told us to get a JOP before deployment [last year] if we didn't have time to plan a wedding and have the "real wedding" later. Every. Single. Person. </div>

firsttimersluck · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_before-after?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:f8a1e2cf-74ff-440e-99c0-9f1635a9ab5bPost:547de63d-7b70-4d25-b4a7-469322acc5fe">Re: Before or after?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Before or after? : Hey lady!!! I guess I'm glad I never had to ask anyone that then
Posted by Irishcurls[/QUOTE]

<div>Hello lover :) </div><div>haha Yeah.. we definitely never asked people.. We can be very stubborn and rarely listen to outside advice when the two of us have made up our mind as a couple... but man people certainly liked to give their unsolicited advice! I was really surprised to hear it from so many people, even the O4s. </div><div>We have a couple in the squadron that has been married for well over a year now, and their families still think they're engaged... -_-</div>

melbelle24 · December 2011

FTL, can I just say that you are BEAUTIFUL??? I keep thinking that every time I see a new one of your wedding photos. Love the siggy pic! :-)

AmandaSC1988 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_before-after?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:f8a1e2cf-74ff-440e-99c0-9f1635a9ab5bPost:b08726ef-79f2-4bcb-9ed9-9fffa892b773">Re: Before or after?</a>:
[QUOTE]FTL, can I just say that you are BEAUTIFUL??? I keep thinking that every time I see a new one of your wedding photos. Love the siggy pic! :-)
Posted by melbelle24[/QUOTE]

<div>SECOND! I can't see siggies at work, but my goodness that is a nice looking couple! =)! </div>

firsttimersluck · December 2011

awww mel!!

I promise it's the good makeup and the good photographer

tehehe

Zimsgirl · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_before-after?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:f8a1e2cf-74ff-440e-99c0-9f1635a9ab5bPost:b08726ef-79f2-4bcb-9ed9-9fffa892b773">Re: Before or after?</a>:
[QUOTE]FTL, can I just say that you are BEAUTIFUL??? I keep thinking that every time I see a new one of your wedding photos. Love the siggy pic! :-)
Posted by melbelle24[/QUOTE]
I agree!

Zimsgirl · December 2011

Op, I agree with the other ladies. I'd say wait and use wedding planning as a distraction while he's gone. It really helped me last year while FI was deployed. We nailed down our big vendors before he left and I signed contracts while he was gone. Playing on TK and working on all the other little details was a good distraction

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