I have found it! The one perfect way to uninvite somebody! *tongue-in-cheek post to vent/voice dis

scstar17 · August 2012

I don't find that to be an attack, just honest statements. Nothing was said in an accusatory manner. Her constant name calling, now that is what is rude and unnecessary - along with obviously not helping the topic of the post at all. But again, it's a message board so why be so concerned?

button6004 · August 2012

Your "honest statements" are offensive attacks that have no truth or facts to back them up. Please tell me how that makes them "honest" when in reality your commentary is a bunch of hogwash. And you're right, OP, I did call you crazy pants. But that's because stating that I must be a victim of violence because I believe in fostering positive relationships with people and in seeing the good in my friends is pretty crazy.

scstar17 · August 2012

No, again the enabling behavior is what's a tell of a victim. No worries.

button6004 · August 2012

In Response to Re:I have found it! The one perfect way to uninvite somebody! tongueincheek post to vent/voice disbelief:[QUOTE]No, again the enabling behavior is what's a tell of a victim.nbsp; No worries. Posted by scstar17[/QUOTE]

Seriously, OP. Enlighten me as to how I am an enabler. I genuinely dont think you know what that word means. Also, are you dense? How many times do I need to explain to you that I am NOT a victim? I am blessed to not have experienced what you continue to state. Don't you have any respect for people who might be reading this who actually are victims of violence? Something tells me you've never even met a person who experiences violence in their life.

scstar17 · August 2012

I explained it several times. So now you want me to go on about it? I thought you wanted me to stop? You keep acting like being a victim is an accusation but it's not. I didn't say "no you definitely are a victim," not even once. I stated my opinion and you keep saying you're not, so that's fine. I never said you were lying or hiding anything.

button6004 · August 2012

Okay, OP. You are far too warped for me to try to comprehend. Good luck dumping your friend.

SachaBee · August 2012

I agree with OliveOilsMom, I think even if it is not PTSD, the army should know that this guy gets drunk and violent occasionally (frequently?). Maybe you could discuss that with one of the guys who called him the morning after since they seem closer to him.

I understand Meegles' point about situations being different, but I also understand having a zero-tolerance policy to violence and I'm honestly not sure how I would react in that situation. It just sounds scary for all involved so I understand not wanting to have him at the wedding (especially as he said he wasn't sorry to the other friends).

ootmother2 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-have-found-it-the-one-perfect-way-to-uninvite-somebody?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:545a335d-19d5-47d1-8d45-21c94d48008dPost:9f027e84-19b7-494c-9bae-860e44a27ba6">Re: I have found it! The one perfect way to uninvite somebody! *tongue-in-cheek post to vent/voice disbelief*</a>:
[QUOTE]I know you am but what am I? Seriously this is so freaking oddly childish and defensive of a violent act. It's not 'having the last word' when it's the post I made. Someone trying to wave me off makes no sense when I made this. She can simply leave the post.
Posted by scstar17[/QUOTE]

scstar just won "Dumbest Post of the Day!

congratulations

StephBeanWed61502 · August 2012

In Response to Re:I have found it! The one perfect way to uninvite somebody! tongueincheek post to vent/voice disbelief:[QUOTE]No, again the enabling behavior is what's a tell of a victim.nbsp; No worries. Posted by scstar17[/QUOTE]

Stop flinging around psycho babble when you clearly have no idea what it means. Recognizing a person's behavior as possibly indicative of a serious problem and helping intervene to get them the help they need, as Button is advocating, is NOT, in any way, shape, or form, enabling.

If anything, you and your friends are the real enablers, because it sounds like you all have been ignoring a hell of a lot of disturbing behavior from this guy up to this point just because he was directing it at strangers instead of you.

Do whatever you want with this particular friendship, but please stop pretending you know what you're talking about when it comes to victims of violence. It's annoying and offensive to those of us that ACTUALLY have knowledge and training about the topic.

Julie2013 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-have-found-it-the-one-perfect-way-to-uninvite-somebody?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:545a335d-19d5-47d1-8d45-21c94d48008dPost:f82bdbdc-df40-4b87-a067-38934faca049">Re: I have found it! The one perfect way to uninvite somebody! *tongue-in-cheek post to vent/voice disbelief*</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I have found it! The one perfect way to uninvite somebody! *tongue-in-cheek post to vent/voice disbelief* : I really don't get their POV keeping in touch with agressive and violent people either. <strong> We will have to call him tonight after thinking of what to say.</strong>
Posted by scstar17[/QUOTE]

After getting a bunch of grief on this thread, I realize you may decide not to answer this, but how did the call go last night? FWIW, there's no way, after all you've said about this person and how you've explained your relationship to him, that I would let that guy at my wedding, either! I hate it that you have to deal with this.

Julie

KellyBrian2013 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-have-found-it-the-one-perfect-way-to-uninvite-somebody?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:545a335d-19d5-47d1-8d45-21c94d48008dPost:c8ab902e-2896-4257-bd13-171e7582c831">Re: I have found it! The one perfect way to uninvite somebody! *tongue-in-cheek post to vent/voice disbelief*</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I have found it! The one perfect way to uninvite somebody! *tongue-in-cheek post to vent/voice disbelief* : I was thinking he may have PTSD earlier. He was in Iraq but (and I am not 100% on this) I am pretty sure he didn't see actual combat. I remember a conversation he had with a Marine friend and he said something about the only time he had been scared was walking through a town after an explosion had gone off...? Like patrolling AFTER it not actually present for it. But I'm not sure I heard it all or correctly.
Posted by scstar17[/QUOTE]

You do realize that PTSD is possible even if "he didn't see actual combat".

Many military men - marines especially - won't freely admit (especially to people who they are not incredibly close to) that they were scared overseas. Sometimes, it's not even about being scared; it's about being scarred, overwhelmed, and subconsciously bothered by everything you've seen and everything you've been trained for.

It sounds like your non-friend might have some issues that are especially present when alcohol is involved. Ignoring it isn't going to make it get any better... he really should be seeking professional help and some REAL friends who are willing to intervene to get him that help, instead of shunning him and ignoring the problem.

marycs · August 2012

I think that violence is an acceptable reason, but I agree that you need to tell him ASAP and have real conversation about it, and still devote some time to him because of it. I can imagine you felt this friendship was over before this happened, got over the "mourning" period and at this point are just angry.

Remember, no matter how justified you are in uninviting, it is still a rude act, so you owe him personal time to uninvite. If you don't know how to talk to him about his issues, then don't attempt to, just calmly tell him your feelings.

Good luck with that!

scstar17 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-have-found-it-the-one-perfect-way-to-uninvite-somebody?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:545a335d-19d5-47d1-8d45-21c94d48008dPost:7a2dcb00-2caa-478b-95f2-c6abcaaf3966">Re: I have found it! The one perfect way to uninvite somebody! *tongue-in-cheek post to vent/voice disbelief*</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I have found it! The one perfect way to uninvite somebody! *tongue-in-cheek post to vent/voice disbelief* : scstar just won "Dumbest Post of the Day! congratulations
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

Hmmm you realize the first sentence was in response to her strange continuation to have the last word, but then blaming me for it?

scstar17 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-have-found-it-the-one-perfect-way-to-uninvite-somebody?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:545a335d-19d5-47d1-8d45-21c94d48008dPost:b8c6710f-bacd-4011-8d06-0123f36f72f4">Re:I have found it! The one perfect way to uninvite somebody! tongueincheek post to vent/voice disbelief</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:I have found it! The one perfect way to uninvite somebody! tongueincheek post to vent/voice disbelief: Stop flinging around psycho babble when you clearly have no idea what it means. Recognizing a person's behavior as possibly indicative of a serious problem and helping intervene to get them the help they need, as Button is advocating, is NOT, in any way, shape, or form, enabling. If anything, you and your friends are the real enablers, because it sounds like you all have been ignoring a hell of a lot of disturbing behavior from this guy up to this point just because he was directing it at strangers instead of you. Do whatever you want with this particular friendship, but please stop pretending you know what you're talking about when it comes to victims of violence. It's annoying and offensive to those of us that ACTUALLY have knowledge and training about the topic.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

Lord, and you know my training or knowledge how? The word 'enabler' is very simple to define, and this is the exact behavior. To say it was a mistake and allow someone to stay in your life after violence is enabling.

scstar17 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-have-found-it-the-one-perfect-way-to-uninvite-somebody?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:545a335d-19d5-47d1-8d45-21c94d48008dPost:bd197461-e008-4115-bc5f-9affdd722fe4">Re: I have found it! The one perfect way to uninvite somebody! *tongue-in-cheek post to vent/voice disbelief*</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I have found it! The one perfect way to uninvite somebody! *tongue-in-cheek post to vent/voice disbelief* : After getting a bunch of grief on this thread, I realize you may decide not to answer this, but how did the call go last night? FWIW, there's no way, after all you've said about this person and how you've explained your relationship to him, that I would let that guy at my wedding, either! I hate it that you have to deal with this. Julie
Posted by Julie2013[/QUOTE]

Funny, when we went to call him his phone was disconnected - not totally weird for him since he generally has no money and pushes the bill past due a lot. I'm sure it will be turned on again soon. He deleted his fb and instagram, as confirmed by friends in common (so I know it wasn't just a block). He lives two blocks away so on my way home from places I've seen that he has other friends over, so he's not gone over the edge naked in a ditch somewhere. This is actually a show of remorse or embarrassment so I guess it's good? We will have to put off talking to him until his phone is back on.

He also planned a show with his band and backed out, because like I said people are not happy with how he acted. So another person is stepping in and probably taking his place entirely since h'es not the reliable sort. His general way of handling things is ignoring them so that's what he's doing right now.

scstar17 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-have-found-it-the-one-perfect-way-to-uninvite-somebody?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:545a335d-19d5-47d1-8d45-21c94d48008dPost:e34b1294-0e5c-4f69-b82c-f5d270f20cef">Re: I have found it! The one perfect way to uninvite somebody! *tongue-in-cheek post to vent/voice disbelief*</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I have found it! The one perfect way to uninvite somebody! *tongue-in-cheek post to vent/voice disbelief* : You do realize that PTSD is possible even if "he didn't see actual combat". Many military men - marines especially - won't freely admit (especially to people who they are not incredibly close to) that they were scared overseas. Sometimes, it's not even about being scared; it's about being scarred, overwhelmed, and subconsciously bothered by everything you've seen and everything you've been trained for. It sounds like your non-friend might have some issues that are especially present when alcohol is involved. Ignoring it isn't going to make it get any better... he really should be seeking professional help and some REAL friends who are willing to intervene to get him that help, instead of shunning him and ignoring the problem.
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

You're right, I wasn't thinking very much about what PTSD truly includes when I answered. He might, I do know he was an angry person before the Army too and sometimes it can help people, sometimes hurt further to join.

Other people have tried plenty with him. It's not odd for people to want a few days away from an unstable person.

I have found it! The one perfect way to uninvite somebody! *tongue-in-cheek post to vent/voice dis

Re: I have found it! The one perfect way to uninvite somebody! *tongue-in-cheek post to vent/voice dis

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